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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He forgot cancer appointment

196 replies

brushingwateruphill · 05/03/2020 16:42

Hi all! Am going through worrying time with my health at moment. After all clear for cervical cancer a few weeks ago i had to go for blood test today to check for signs of ovarian cancer. I told OH appointment was booked 3 days ago and have obviously been really worried about it. OH is not working at present as he is self emplyed in weather dependant job, and said he would take me to appointment. He then went out for the day early and when he got home and i told him he unleashed a barrell of abuse because i should have reminded him this morning and he had things he wanted to do today. I dont often ask for his help or time but had explained how important and worrying this was for me. I feel not only like i am not getting the support i need with this but i am also getting abuse for objecting to him "forgetting" when he has known how worried i am about this.

OP posts:
OoohTheStatsDontLie · 05/03/2020 17:24

You did remind him, yesterday! I woukdn be able to forgive the forgetting. I've forgotten massive things when I'm busy or have a lot on my mind, even related to things or people I care a great deal about.

I would struggle more to forgive his outburst. Whys he getting angry at you for his mistake and making you feel worse when you're already stressed? Instead of supporting you he is making everything worse. And who made you his secretary, it's not your responsibility to remind him, he could have put it in his diary / phone

pallisers · 05/03/2020 17:25

Is he always like this?

You are worried about a blood test. You tell him the date and ask him to go with you. He forgot and when told his response is to throw abuse at you and tell you it was YOUR responsibility to remind HIM. Where does he get off? Did he even ask how you were? How did it go? Apologise for forgetting? Does he seriously think that you should apologise to him??

The best case scenario is he was mortified that he forgot and tried to deflect. But that's a pretty nasty response to making a mistake - telling the person you hurt and forgot that it is their own fault. I would get very very very angry at him and I would frankly let rip - not tolerate this shit.

I hope all goes well with the test, OP.

Musseswoofles · 05/03/2020 17:28

Outbursts are hard to deal with when you’re feeling anxious but I know my partner wouldn’t see the test as something to worry about his approach is worry about something when it happens. He would say a bit of perspective he forgot a blood test after an a clear screening. Forgetting an appointment to discuss results would be upsetting. Hope your results are negative but try not to worry about something that isn’t there to worry about yet.

Original poster
brushingwateruphill · 05/03/2020 17:30

It feels like bit of a forgone conclusion at mo.. Had health issues for years before we met which put me at extremely high risk. Trying not to think about it too much.

OP posts:
Lweji · 05/03/2020 17:31

You haven't said if this is a common behaviour on his part.

pallisers · 05/03/2020 17:32

The OP isn't upset just because he forgot the test. She is upset because he blamed her for his forgetting and gave her a barrel of abuse.

MadamePewter · 05/03/2020 17:34

Coujd it be that he’s a bit fed up that you’re assuming the worst? And the blood test in question is routine for certain symptoms and doesn’t mean you have cancer. I know it’s worrying. But maybe try to think more positively?

diddl · 05/03/2020 17:34

"I cannot even begin to imagine how his behaviour could possibly be excused."

Absolutely.

It may be "just" a blood test-but he offered ffs!

Dreadful behaviour.

pallisers · 05/03/2020 17:35

Coujd it be that he’s a bit fed up that you’re assuming the worst?

When you are a bit fed up do you give a barrel of abuse to your partner and blame them?

longtompot · 05/03/2020 17:35

That's awful. I agree with what @happytoday73 wrote.

I hope the appointment went well Flowers

Thelnebriati · 05/03/2020 17:37

There are some, er, interesting posters busy here this afternoon which I hope accounts for that 9% who say YABU.
You obviously are not being unreasonable. I went through something similar with an ex when I had a breast lump, and thats how he ended up becoming an ex. It killed any feelings and respect I had for him.

Good luck with your results.

Lweji · 05/03/2020 17:37

The few posts excusing abusive behaviour would be laughable if they weren't sad.

champagneandfromage50 · 05/03/2020 17:39

There is no excuse. I have never missed any of my OH appointments. When he was going through the investigation stage I went to everyone. It's not something you forget. Shocked that he is being abusive because your upset that he forgot. At times like this you need people around you who you can't rely on to provide you with the emotional support you may need. He clearly isn't one of those

PurpleDaisies · 05/03/2020 17:39

How did you get there? Had he gone before you got up?

If it had been me, I’d have sent a text as soon as I realised he wasn’t in the house given that he’d said he’d drive and attend the appointment.

Him shouting at you seems really out of orde though

MadameMeursault · 05/03/2020 17:39

That’s horrible OP, there’s no excuse for him to give you a barrel of abuse, you’re going through enough already. He should be apologising.

On a separate point is this the CA125 test? Did they explain to you that even if it comes back as a high number it doesn’t necessarily mean you have cancer? Other conditions e.g. cysts can cause it to be high too. Hope it goes well and please try not to worry (easy to say I know)

ilikemethewayiam · 05/03/2020 17:42

No excuse, does he have a mobile phone? I’m guessing yes? So when HE offered to take you, HE should have clarified date and time and HE should have put it in his phone with an alert to remind HIM. He is utterly infantile.

I’m gobsmacked that anyone thinks His behaviour is excusable. OP you need to have the talk with him.

I’m keeping everything crossed for you Flowers

Original poster
brushingwateruphill · 05/03/2020 17:45

Hi PD! I drove myself but more upset by response.

Madame! Yes it was ca125 and one other i cant remember without checking letter. Had endometriosis for 23 years so everythings pretty trashed inside at this point. TY

OP posts:
Finallyatooth · 05/03/2020 17:45

I had a man in my life who was a bit like this. One time I was a victim of a minor non violent crime which was still distressing however and I was naturally upset. He became aggressive with me, shouted at me and basically blamed it on me. Didn't offer a drop of kindness or sympathy.

I think it was because he didn't have the ability to process negative emotions so because he was upset about what happened, he just turned it on me instead of dealing with it in a healthy way.

I never forgot it and I never trusted him after that.

I'm sorry you are going through such a stressful time.

silver1977 · 05/03/2020 17:47

Perhaps you should suggest he has some tests for memory loss symptoms... Very odd to forget by the next morning when only talking about it the night before Hmm

Original poster
brushingwateruphill · 05/03/2020 17:52

Well its still all my fault. No "how did it go?" Or "sorry". A friend once said "THA CANNAE POLISH A TURD" however crude it keeps springing to mind

OP posts:
AnyOldSpartabix · 05/03/2020 17:52

Mr husband and I are separated, but I know that if I had a health scare, he'd be there for me. As he was previously when we were going through a bad patch. As I would be for him.

Mine too. And he’d be mortified to forget.

Sorry OP. Sounds like you’ve discovered a horrible side to your OH. Does he have form?

Eddielzzard · 05/03/2020 17:53
Flowers

It would be a dealbreaker for me. This is a major part of a relationship and what builds trust and deep love. Sticking with it when the going gets tough and showing compassion and kindness.

He's not got your back. He's not giving you support when you really need him. What's the point of him exactly?

Original poster
brushingwateruphill · 05/03/2020 17:55

It's beginning to look that way. It's the first time i have needed support frim him. If he can't support with this....

OP posts:
Happygoldfinch · 05/03/2020 18:01

I definitely wouldn't have expected my husband to accompany me to a blood test. I'm not sure why - I think I would just feel embarrassed for wasting his time for an occasion that wasn't newsworthy! The results, yes, but not the actual test. Sorry, OP - maybe not the support you were after - but I can say that our men suffer a lot in ways that are mysterious to us when we are ill! He's probably massively annoyed with himself.

Largeyellowdaffodil · 05/03/2020 18:02

It was blood test though? So not a specific cancer appointment?

My DH has cancer and blood test are constantly required- he just goes to the blood test department- gets a ticket etc. Blood test- leaves- no consultation?

I dont get the people saying they would be there? Its as a blood test- something that is very routine?

I may sounds harsh but having spent the last 18 months dealing with multiple cancers I cant get why a fuss about a blood test.

Sorry.