He forgot cancer appointment

[brushingwateruphill]

Hi all! Am going through worrying time with my health at moment. After all clear for cervical cancer a few weeks ago i had to go for blood test today to check for signs of ovarian cancer. I told OH appointment was booked 3 days ago and have obviously been really worried about it. OH is not working at present as he is self emplyed in weather dependant job, and said he would take me to appointment. He then went out for the day early and when he got home and i told him he unleashed a barrell of abuse because i should have reminded him this morning and he had things he wanted to do today. I dont often ask for his help or time but had explained how important and worrying this was for me. I feel not only like i am not getting the support i need with this but i am also getting abuse for objecting to him "forgetting" when he has known how worried i am about this.

perhaps it does give just one side of their conversation Happygoldfish but your interpretation "her partner forgot a thing, she is pissed off (understandably)* is just your made up version of what happened.

I'll stick with the OP's version of what happened since she was there. IF the partner wants to pop on here and explain his side, fine but I'd rather not take your version since you know nothing other than what the OP said - and you seem to have difficulty comprehending that.

Interesting to know that you'd have done the same as him though.

It wasn't Just a blood test!!

It isn't for checking if she's a bit anemic, it's to check the possibility of cancer!

Some of you bloody super heroes might be able to sail through that but most people would be apprehensive as to what it might herald the start of.

She didn't ask for him to take her, he bloody offered.
He then got angry that he had forgotten!

So no, she shouldn't be 'making it up with him' he should be apologising.

For this one instance I wouldn't say LTB, But is it a pattern? Is he ever kind and thoughtful? Or is this a precursor of her treatment if, god forbid, she does become ill?

Interestingly, I wasn't aware that you could have a blood test to test for ovarian cancer.

I don’t understand the angst tbh. If it had been an appointment for results then I get it, anyone would be both livid and upset that he forgot and didn’t turn up. But a blood test? You won’t get the results there and then, what is he meant to do there? I’d be very perplexed if anyone including my kids (now grown) asked me to be there for a blood test but I’d be there in a flash for results.

Happygoldfinch, your posts are just beyond belief on this thread.

Oh the poor mens, they just can't remember things, we have to allow for it. Or how about learning some techniques for remembering things - diaries, paper or electronic, phone reminders, that kind of thing.
It's just training and practice.

You said:
SunshineCake - it was just a blood test that he forgot about. He hasn't abused OP.
Yes, yes he did, in fact that's exactly what she said he did.

And unleashed a barrel of abuse - but what specifically did he say? If he was nasty I'm behind you completely
What kind of abuse isn't nasty? Really? You're contorting yourself enormously, trying to find a way to blame the OP and exonerate her highly unpleasant husband.

Jesus wept, they talked about it around twelve hours before she went. How difficult would it have been to remember, or failing that, not act like a shit when told he'd forgotten?

Ok so clearly we are supposed to assume men are halfwits who remember nothing. This is pretty insulting to the good ones out there. The fact that telling a grown man something three days running isnt enough reminder for some people shows low expectations or respect for men in general. In the midst of the amount of appointments i have attended over just the last three months, my wording "cancer appointment" is more of an issue than the fact i am apparently a selfish bitch because he has things he wants to do too and its my fault he forgot because i was too stupid to phone him and round him up when he vanished. To those of you who actually read and got the point of my post Thank You

All this 'he is rubbish' is pretty meaningless unless we know what the OP's DP is usually like. And she hasn't told us.

Perfectly understandably, the OP is very worried. So she describes a blood test that can reveal quite a number of conditions as a 'cancer test'. To her, that's legitimate; to others it's exaggerating.

The OP's partner forgot - or suppressed - the fact that he'd said he'd go with her. Why? Was he careless and thoughtless, or unable to cope? We simply don't know.

When the OP complained, her partner got angry. That was horrid, an in most circumstances pretty unforgiveable. But these circumstances are not normal. As I said before, heightened emotions, including aggression - directed at partners or medical professionals - can be par for the course in such stressful situations. It's might be nothing more than reflection of his feelings, and - in particular -his inability to cope with them. Or it could of course mean that he's selfish and uncaring. That would be very worrying. But without further information, it's absolutely impossible for any of us to know.

To those saying what a supportive partner 'should' do - there are no rules. We all need and want different responses from those who love us.

It's not as if you haven't discussed it since Monday... its 3 days not 3 months or years!

He should have been there, and in no way is him giving you a load of verbal acceptable. Is it possibly a bit of an immature response like a teenager - immediately on the offensive if caught out or in the wrong.

I do hope your tests come back ok, have been there many times so totally understand the anxiety and stress.

Wait until you've both calmed down, see if he tries to make amends, if not sit down calmly and explain why you were so upset and how his response made you feel.

I think the OP may have little experience with health services. A blood test is just that. You queue up, you get called, they stick a needle in your arm, they take blood into little containers, they label them, they stick a bandage on your arm and you're done in maximum 2 minutes. It's not something you'd generally require someone to be present for. They tell you when you ring your GP for the results.

@pallisers Yes, I think I would have done the same as him - I would have been annoyed at myself that I had forgotten and annoyed that she hadn't reminded me - because that lack of communication in the morning - or by phone later on - does smack of OP testing him a bit. But I would have made it up by now, and if he hasn't then he does need a few truths to be told. I don't disbelieve OP - I'm not sure where you get that sense from. I think we might actually all be closer to the same page than we think - we want OP to feel happier (I'm just nervous that encouraging a reaction from her whilst she's in this state will worsen a situation that doesn't need worsening).

@StrangeLookingParasite I know - I'm starting to wonder if I've married a complete moron who can't organise a thing. But arguments happen between couples - that isn't abuse. If this behaviour demonstrated by him is sustained, then yes, but one argument with pent-up frustrations being aired is not tantamount to abuse. I struggle to see why people are struggling to accept that he forgot this blood test. Are they saying that he deliberately didn't go? Because the OP doesn't suggest that at all.

I am a more mature lady with a few miles on the clock, a professional career behind me and plenty of years where I in turn was a trailing spouse to a highly successful professional man. I have fought the good fight for respect for women throughout and earlier thought we had made so much progress. Nowadays I think things are going backwards, and fast.

I will take a benevolent view and assume he’s worried and deeply embarrassed he forgot.

My advice is whether that’s right or not, this is the moment when you should discover your inner Roar.

I have sometimes thought within my local area, as a former part time singer, I should give shouting classes for women in the local village hall.

You sound absolutely lovely, but like so many of us women you work very hard to make your partner happy. Does he reciprocate? Is he equally considerate to you? It doesn’t currently sound like it.

I am married to one of the finest men on the planet, but even with him from time to time I need to remind him I am an autonomous human being and will not put up with him trying it on. This may or may not result in a full and freak exchange of views ( never nasty or disrespectful) and we sort it out. With respect.

It makes me so sad that as women, even today, we are still conditioned to accommodate our men and dance around them. The best of them don’t have a problem with it when called up in it from time to time.

Are rest of them truly worth bothering with?

I wish you well.

*frank, not freak. 😄

Skierdery the CA125 test to which (I think) the OP refers is not a cut-and-dried test for ovarian cancer. It can raise suspicions for that, but also for many other less alarming things:

ovarian.org.uk/news-and-blog/blog/ca125-blood-test-your-questions-answered/?gclid=CjwKCAiA44LzBRB-EiwA-jJipB2h31AocHg576w2FAk7Rd_mIAI8ekcc91JV8AhN6zzvdRqgsxLzBhoCMtYQAvD_BwE

@brushingwateruphill i am apparently a selfish bitch because he has things he wants to do too Oh my God, did he say this? That you are selfish for wanting him to make good on his promise to drive you because he had other things he wanted to do that day? That makes him a bit more unsavoury.
I kind of get him questioning why you wouldn't phone him, though. When it became clear that he either had forgotten or was deliberately standing you up, why didn't you?

He sounds appalling, OP :( I have one of these coming up within the next fortnight, and I understand how worrying it is. Your OH should have understood and wanted to go along to support you

@Skierrdery, not if you are on a cancer pathway. Yes, she wouldn't have got the results there and then, but he offered to go with her. It's the CA-125 blood tests. A high reading indicates a tumour.

I've been on the cancer pathway twice and although the tests are 'simple' ones you are a bit numb and your mind is racing.

You don't need a reaction from a partner that the OP got, on top.

He let you down on a very important day, then he blamed you. And then he went on abusing you. OP, he’s not going to change. You deserve much better than this.

I don't want to belittle anyone's fears or experiences, but "A high reading indicates a tumour." is not really true. A high reading can indicate cancer, but also other several conditions, from fibroids and kidney problems to a chest infection.
However, once the C-word is mentioned people quite understandably don't remember this. Having a blood test is not - physically - much of a problem for most people. Waiting for the results is often much, much more stressful and I really do hope that the OP has support and comfort and love to help her get through that.

Happygoldfinch if you are genuine, please, stop picking at a scab that is not yours to pick. This is not a situation for chopping logic.

Happygoldfinch
I did consider calling but, whether he had forgotten or stood me up, i was trying to "man up" and make myself go to the appointment with as little stress as possible.
I couldn't cope with phoning and causing difficulties with him, which is what it would have been because he is basically a bully and being shouted on and having the whole thing turned on me later on has confirmed that.
Despite over 20 years of health issues i support everyone around me and would expect the same decency in return.
We are now several hours on and he is sulking because i said he had forgotten and no more than that.
I am known for being very laid back but frankly am ready to kick his sorry ass out of my house after this

Skierrdery OP has had biopsies, scans, chemo in the past, think she knows how health services work, and unsurprisingly due to her history she is feeling anxious having more tests, so it would be nice to have a supportive partner.

Is your DP my ex-boyfriend? He was a gardener.

He was mostly very sweet, but by GOD, he could never admit to being wrong (and he was a bit thick, bless him), so would end up being unpleasantly defensive whenever he’d fucked up, which was often. IT’S NOT MY FAULT! Er, yes it is.

OP, you say he's a bully; is he sometimes a saboteur, too? After all the discussion that went on, it's hard to believe he really forgot. If you're thinking, "Not again, please!" so will he be, but of course he can detach and you can't.

Do you think he set you up with the offer so as to trigger a conflict and make it easier for him to distance himself? He seems to have been ready with the "selfish bitch" comments as if he was anticipating anger from you that you didn't in fact express.

He sounds like a fucking asshole and typical of a self-absorbed, unsupportive partner.
I'd reassess the relationship.