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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I am. Mucked up.

254 replies

whattheheckisgoingon · 04/03/2020 20:30

So I was on the way home and popped in to the supermarket to pick up a couple of bits for the kids‘ tea.

When I saw all the emptying shelves I just panicked! Ended up spending 30 mins doing a ridiculous panic buy of the basics, just in case we need to self isolate. Completely irrational. (We’ve had a case confirmed in the town next door - the news came through just before I went into the shop - and I think that sent me over). I feel so stupid.

But the other thing is that DH needed the car to get to football training this evening. So I have made him very late for that. I called on my way back - apologised that I was running late and admitted I was acting irrationally- but he just hung up. He was apoplectic when we go back home, and wouldn’t accept any attempt at an apology. Almost exploded when he saw the shopping. He is very, very angry.

He has also previously been very clear that we should not stock up and I have blatantly done the complete opposite which he will take as massively disrespectful. I just lost my head, I guess.

I’ve sent him a text saying how sorry I am. I am; I know I shouldn’t have done it.

He’s going to be super angry when he gets home. I’m so worried about this. He says I am very selfish. I didn’t mean to be, but I know I was.

I know I’ve been an idiot. I just don’t know what to do when he comes back still extremely angry. I honestly don’t know how to appease him. He’ll be back in 45 minutes and I’m readying myself for his anger over it all.

Don’t know why I posted really. Sounds stupid in writing. I’m just very worried. I know I was unreasonable. Sorry if I posted in the wrong bit.

Any advice?

OP posts:
fantasmasgoria1 · 04/03/2020 20:33

I can understand him being pissed off about it but if he's still behaving that way when he gets back he will be behaving badly. My fiance would say to me why on earth did you do that when you know I'm going out then upon his return he would have probably taken the mickey for a while and that would be it. You have explained everything and apologised. He needs to think about it and process it.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 04/03/2020 20:33

Ok hang on for a second and breathe.

Now I dont believe in panic buying nor does DP , however if I said the same to him as you have said he would have rolled his eyes, uncalled me crazy pants and given me a hug because he recognised that I had a panic moment.

Has this put you in financial hardship? As in spending money you dont have ? If so figure out a plan for how to manage that.

The key here is that noone should be so worried about their husband or partners reaction to this extent. Listen I've done some breathtakingly stupid things (I'm not saying this was stupid but you've explained you had a panic moment ) and even when DP was cross with me I was never this afraid of him. Vice versa.

This really is more worrying how frightened you are of his reaction.

HAhelp101 · 04/03/2020 20:34

He really shouldn't be too angry about this. Don't apologise again. You have done it already and it won't fix anything to keep doing it.

Can you return some bits you don't need? If it's things that last that you will otherwise use then stick them in the garage and don't buy any more.

I'm more worried about you being worried of him being angry. It's not the worst thing to have done. My dh would probably be a bit grumpy for 5 minutes and then laugh at me for being stupid.

Asimovsfutureishere2020 · 04/03/2020 20:34

@whatheheckisgoingon

I am no expert on this at all but you sound frightened of him. I don't think his response of anger is OK. You are both adults, you made a decision and OK, you now regret it but he has to accept it.

I don't know, OP - something about your post says the problem is not the shopping. You are an adult, not a naughty child waiting for Dada to get home and tell you off. He has no right to put you in that place emotionally and i can't believe a decent man would.

Firsttimelottie · 04/03/2020 20:37

I get why he is pissed but his reaction sounds irrational. Are you scared of him OP? We all do silly things sometimes. It doesn't mean we deserve to be punished.

AppleKatie · 04/03/2020 20:38

I don’t think the problem is the shopping either! Poor you OP, I’m sorry Flowers

Somewheredreamingofcheesecake · 04/03/2020 20:38

Assuming you have the money, being angry anything but momentarily for the shopping isn't right. However, if DH knew I needed the car for an appointment and he just extended his shopping without warning and made me very late then I'd be pretty pissed off.

DICarter1 · 04/03/2020 20:40

You sound very very scared of him. Is he angry a lot?

1WayOrAnother · 04/03/2020 20:40

It sounds like he is controlling and you are scared of him. You need to think about that. Do you usually do what he says for fear of upsetting him?

FudgeBrownie2019 · 04/03/2020 20:40

You are never meant to be afraid of the reaction of the person you're married to. Never.

However this plays out, you shouldn't need to apologise for a moment like that; you haven't hurt anyone, you haven't done anything even remotely dramatic.

AllPointsNorth · 04/03/2020 20:41

You sound very dominated and frightened, Will he still be angry hours later? You seem to know how this will play out, how many times has this sort of over-reaction on his part happened?
Yes, you might have temporarily lost the plot, you are by no means the only one, and it’s not as if you went full-on Rambo.
If he returns, still angry, then he’s the one who is not only unreasonable, but looking for a fight. He needs to get a grip.

PinkiOcelot · 04/03/2020 20:43

So what. You panic bought and stocked up. Were a bit late back so he was a bit late going to training.
His reaction seems a bit OTT and you seem frightened of him. Not good.

SnoozyLou · 04/03/2020 20:45

OP, that was inconsiderate and a bit silly. But to still be "extremely angry" hours and hours later is disproportionate. And he's lucky he has time to indulge in his pastimes - I'll bet you don't.

Eastie77 · 04/03/2020 20:45

Hate to sound melodramatic but this is one of the most disturbing posts I've read on MN in a long time. Hope you are ok OP. You seem absolutely terrified. I wonder if the underlying stress of living with an explosive DH is driving you to make what you describe as irrational choices.

adaline · 04/03/2020 20:46

I don't think you've done anything wrong here. Assuming you've bought cupboard supplies that won't go out of date, why is it such a problem?

Is everything else in your marriage okay? You shouldn't be scared of your husbands reaction Sad

0hT00dles · 04/03/2020 20:46

You sound very afraid of him?

You're afraid of being isolated for 14 or more days. How would you eat?

I did a big online shop last week and we only had 1 confirmed case in our country. That's risen by 5 in the last 24 hours.

I did the shop to pre-empt the panic buying to ensure I had everything the kids eat....I only stocked up on art supplies as there was massive sale on. My dh thought I was crazy for that, but as I said, if we're locked down for however many days, what will the kids do. The sale saved me over €100 in art supplies.

Panic buying is going to happen and he shouldn't be angry.

What would he do if you had no food in? Would he get angry then too?

FortunesFave · 04/03/2020 20:46

If he fucking shouts or scares you OP, call the police. I'm not exaggerating.....everyone else's posts confirm that. He sounds AWFUL.

People make mistakes....and we're currently going through a bit of a crisis...it's understandable!

TotesGodsWill · 04/03/2020 20:46

You’re an equal in your relationship. Why does him not wanting to stock up trump you wanting to? His anger seems unjustifiably extreme for the situation. Yes it’s annoying thst you made him late but you’ve apologised and it was football not work.

It’s not normal for him to be so angry and for you to be so afraid of him.

Rosspoldarkssaddle · 04/03/2020 20:46

He is not.your dad. You are not 12. He has not caught you smoking behind the shed. You are an adult, you had a moment. You have apologised. That's it. Let him rant. Ask him whether he has finished when he stops to breathe. Then find something to do somewhere else...like put all the food away.

coffeeforone · 04/03/2020 20:46

My DH would go nuts too if I did this, and we had previously agreed not to. But if he gets too angry then surely it will get to a point where he is the one in the wrong for overeacting and you should be angry at him, no? I usually just turn the tables and become pissed off with him and demand an apology if he is still having a go after I've already agreed I'm wrong and apologised.

GrumpysOtherHalf · 04/03/2020 20:47

What do you think is going to happen when he gets home?

SenselessUbiquity · 04/03/2020 20:50

First of all: Football? Get a grip, H.

Secondly: you are an adult. you can shop if you think best. he isn't in charge.

longtimecomin · 04/03/2020 20:50

Lose the B, domestic abuse is not just violence. Call women's aid and discuss his behaviour

Original poster
whattheheckisgoingon · 04/03/2020 20:52

Ok and breath. Thanks everyone for taking the time to post. Maybe I’ve got it wrong and he’ll calm down by the time he is back home. I’ll let you know how it plays out I guess.

OP posts:
PRL73 · 04/03/2020 20:53

I actually don’t think YABU! You’re an adult and can make your own decisions. There are worse things that happen in the world.

Okay I’m not stocking up myself but if you get isolated you can be all smug and use all the stockpile yourself 😏