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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I am. Mucked up.

254 replies

whattheheckisgoingon · 04/03/2020 20:30

So I was on the way home and popped in to the supermarket to pick up a couple of bits for the kids‘ tea.

When I saw all the emptying shelves I just panicked! Ended up spending 30 mins doing a ridiculous panic buy of the basics, just in case we need to self isolate. Completely irrational. (We’ve had a case confirmed in the town next door - the news came through just before I went into the shop - and I think that sent me over). I feel so stupid.

But the other thing is that DH needed the car to get to football training this evening. So I have made him very late for that. I called on my way back - apologised that I was running late and admitted I was acting irrationally- but he just hung up. He was apoplectic when we go back home, and wouldn’t accept any attempt at an apology. Almost exploded when he saw the shopping. He is very, very angry.

He has also previously been very clear that we should not stock up and I have blatantly done the complete opposite which he will take as massively disrespectful. I just lost my head, I guess.

I’ve sent him a text saying how sorry I am. I am; I know I shouldn’t have done it.

He’s going to be super angry when he gets home. I’m so worried about this. He says I am very selfish. I didn’t mean to be, but I know I was.

I know I’ve been an idiot. I just don’t know what to do when he comes back still extremely angry. I honestly don’t know how to appease him. He’ll be back in 45 minutes and I’m readying myself for his anger over it all.

Don’t know why I posted really. Sounds stupid in writing. I’m just very worried. I know I was unreasonable. Sorry if I posted in the wrong bit.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Bookoffacts · 04/03/2020 21:40

You didn't do anything wrong. Most people are stockpiling. Shelves are emptying and youre an adult. You can do as you like.

We're all worried about your relationship with him. You shouldn't be this scared. Hope you're okFlowers

Quartz2208 · 04/03/2020 21:41

this is not a normal reaction from HIM not from you

You dont need to appease him, in the current climate stocking up is not a stupid decision at all

SonjaMorgan · 04/03/2020 21:42

My DH would have cancelled football, given me a hug, ordered a takeaway and cracked open a bottle of wine.

YABU not to have any buffer when it comes to groceries.

BobbleBun · 04/03/2020 21:44

He has also previously been very clear that we should not stock up and I have blatantly done the complete opposite which he will take as massively disrespectful

Who made him the boss? I'm usually a bit of an eye-roller when it comes to prepping and stockpiling but I've had a bit of a panic today too.

Same as you - confirmed case in the neighbouring town; small county so people commute and shop and have contact with the other neighbouring towns all the time. Whilst I don't believe in clearing the shelves I think its sensible to have a little extra as a backup incase you can't make it out.

Ypur husband sounds like a prize prick and it's concerning how terrified you sound of his reaction. I get him being peeved about running late but it was football practise - not life and death fgs.

Original poster
whattheheckisgoingon · 04/03/2020 21:46

Thanks everyone. Sorry for radio silence. Processing it all I suppose and I’ll be back.

OP posts:
diddl · 04/03/2020 21:46

You're readying yourself for his anger?

He should be well over it by the time he gets back.

It was really shitty of you to make him late, but he has overreacted big time.

damnthatanxiety · 04/03/2020 21:47

He has also previously been very clear that we should not stock up and I have blatantly done the complete opposite which he will take as massively disrespectful.

I beg your pardon? Does he make all the decisions? Do you always feel that not doing what he tells you to do is 'disrespectful'?
I think you have problems that go waaaaay beyond panic buying.

IsisCam · 04/03/2020 21:47

OP it doesn’t sound normal at all that you are so worried about your husbands anger. Your initial post just sounds likeyiu are way way too worried. So much so that I hope it isn’t real.

In case it is please try to extract yourself from this situation. You owe it to your kids if nothing else.

WalkingDeadTrainee · 04/03/2020 21:48

Did you spend money you actually don't have (meant for other bills, cc etc)? If not I don't understand your fear.
But. You might want to work on yourself with the panic buying tbhConfused

Standrewsschool · 04/03/2020 21:50

Unless you can’t afford it, then the only unreasonable aspect of the op is you sounding scared of dh’s reaction. Yes, he may be miffed that you have been sucked into the paranoia, but that’s about it.

Walnutwhipster · 04/03/2020 21:50

Being angry at shopping that I assume won't waste is really not normal. DH couldn't care less what I buy or spend. This is abusive.

pallisers · 04/03/2020 21:51

I can see why he would be angry at you forgetting about him and making him late for football. This would have made me cross too.

It is ridiculous that you are worried that he will still be raging hours later. You said sorry and were sorry. I waited outside a shop in the cold a few weeks ago for dh. He was supposed to be circling the block to collect me - I had run in for one specific thing. He parked instead thinking I would take longer than that and he didn't have his phone. I was bloody freezing and had to stay outside because he wouldn't see me otherwise. When he turned up I said "where the hell were you". He said "sorry I thought you'd take longer" I said "big eejit I was frozen" and then we both forgot about it.

Why is he the boss of what you buy? why is it disrespectful if you don't do what he decrees? Honestly, I have a whole theory based on the use of the word "respect" or "respectful" in personal relationships people who use it are almost always twats of the highest order.

morriseysquif · 04/03/2020 21:53

Your husband is a nasty control freak. Most people would have a rational conversation about this, or even laugh a little.

Nothing bad has happened - tins will keep, do you have a freezer? just take the logical route an do not allow him to scare you. You might want to have a long think about your relationship though.

RubaiyatOfAnyone · 04/03/2020 21:59

Oh God, reread your own post

He was apoplectic
[He] wouldn’t accept any attempt at an apology.
[He] Almost exploded
He is very, very angry.
He’s going to be super angry
He says I am very selfish
he comes back still extremely angry.

And you -
I have [been] massively disrespectful.
I’m so worried about this.
I honestly don’t know how to appease him.
I’m readying myself for his anger
I’m just very worried.
I was unreasonable.

I am not dramatic. I have never written LTB. I know what we read is just a sliver of real people’s lives. But oh you poor thing, you sound terrified and he sounds abusive. No one should be that scared of someone who should love them more than anyone else in the world, particularly not over extra baked beans and toilet roll.

AliasGrape · 04/03/2020 22:01

I can understand him bring pissed off at being made late but you apologised, he’s allowed to be annoyed about it but he’s not allowed to make you feel like shit and make you scared, he doesn’t get to ‘punish’ you. I really hope when he comes home he’s ready to hear and accept your apology and to move on, hopefully even apologise himself for his ‘apoplectic’ and way out of proportion reaction. But as others have said you sound really scared and that makes me think there’s more to the problem than that.

As for sticking up - him not wanting to doesn’t mean it’s forbidden or that you’re ‘massively disrespectful’ to think/do otherwise. DH thinks there’s no point to stock up and we haven’t got the space, I’m getting a bit anxious around it all and have been buying a few extra bits anyway here and there because it makes me feel better. DH doesn’t expect to be ‘obeyed’ or have his views on whether we need more beans respected at all times. I really don’t think there’s any need to drink on a weeknight and would probably prefer it if DH didn’t, but he’ll still sometimes have a couple of cans because he’s an adult and allowed to make his own decisions - just like I’m allowed to stash extra loo roll in the car boot if I choose to! As are you. Don’t let your DH make you think otherwise.

CadburyFlake · 04/03/2020 22:02

I want to come and take you away to safety and make you a hot cup of tea. What a shitty man. You've done something that's possibly considered a mistake but EVERYONE makes mistakes. You've admitted your error (if there really is one except maybe delaying him going out) he's really being a tool.

My exH was like this.

This thread reminded me of mistake I made losing house keys at the worst point of depression and sleep deprivation with small kids. I had to collect key from him at work 2 hrs away.

He was so angry with me. But then decided to meet me part way and was even more angry about that. I was in a bad place and so upset at his initial anger that when he threw keys at me and stomped off saying nothing I was terrified of what would happen that night.

It was fucking awful moment and one of the final nails in the coffin of the marriage.

No one should ever ever feel like that about another human being.

Please report back that you are ok. And safe.

WaggleWiggle · 04/03/2020 22:04

I’m a bit worried by you mentioning ‘disrespecting’ him. Respect works both ways, he doesn’t get to command it from you. You sound scared of him. What would he do if he came home as angry as you think he might be?

BrendasUmbrella · 04/03/2020 22:06

What the fuck... You're an adult, if you want to buy food - any food - you can buy it. For him to be "super angry" is very alarming.

mummymayhem18 · 04/03/2020 22:07

Like a lot of others have said, you sound scared of him. Total overreaction on his part.

Thinkingabout1t · 04/03/2020 22:10

OP, you sound frightenedof him.This is not good. He bullies you.

Rosalo · 04/03/2020 22:11

He sounds like a bit of a bully.

Elliesmommy · 04/03/2020 22:14

He sounds like a huge bully. My husband would say you're daft. We would laugh it off. End of. Hope you are ok

Pumpkintopf · 04/03/2020 22:15

Look. You haven't been selfish. You were understandably a bit panicked about not being able to provide food etc for your family, so you stocked up a bit. Presumably this is all stuff you will (eventually) use, so unless you've caused yourselves massive financial difficulty then you were , at most, inconsiderate to make him late - but as others have said I'd have expected him to be understanding that you had a bit of a panic, and move on.

Your level of fear about his return is not normal.

AuditAngel · 04/03/2020 22:18

I also went shopping today.

I didn’t panic buy, but I did buy 4 extra bags of rice and extra pasta, plus some meat for the freezer (I had been running it down to defrost it). I bought some jars of pasta sauce. Not something we normally have, but a brand we use, and they will keep.

I also bought a couple of packs of tissues, some bleach and antibacterial spray.

Handy things if we don’t feel up to going shopping.

Cheerbear23 · 04/03/2020 22:18

Hope youre ok OP.
I swore I wouldn’t do this, thought everyone was panicking unnecessarily but yesterday I saw nearly empty shelves of bread, long life milk & loo roll and decided to get myself some too.

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