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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I am. Mucked up.

254 replies

whattheheckisgoingon · 04/03/2020 20:30

So I was on the way home and popped in to the supermarket to pick up a couple of bits for the kids‘ tea.

When I saw all the emptying shelves I just panicked! Ended up spending 30 mins doing a ridiculous panic buy of the basics, just in case we need to self isolate. Completely irrational. (We’ve had a case confirmed in the town next door - the news came through just before I went into the shop - and I think that sent me over). I feel so stupid.

But the other thing is that DH needed the car to get to football training this evening. So I have made him very late for that. I called on my way back - apologised that I was running late and admitted I was acting irrationally- but he just hung up. He was apoplectic when we go back home, and wouldn’t accept any attempt at an apology. Almost exploded when he saw the shopping. He is very, very angry.

He has also previously been very clear that we should not stock up and I have blatantly done the complete opposite which he will take as massively disrespectful. I just lost my head, I guess.

I’ve sent him a text saying how sorry I am. I am; I know I shouldn’t have done it.

He’s going to be super angry when he gets home. I’m so worried about this. He says I am very selfish. I didn’t mean to be, but I know I was.

I know I’ve been an idiot. I just don’t know what to do when he comes back still extremely angry. I honestly don’t know how to appease him. He’ll be back in 45 minutes and I’m readying myself for his anger over it all.

Don’t know why I posted really. Sounds stupid in writing. I’m just very worried. I know I was unreasonable. Sorry if I posted in the wrong bit.

Any advice?

OP posts:
fastliving · 06/03/2020 02:25

Smothering you?
He was trying to kill you, obviously something changed his mind the first time.
What if he goes through with it next time?
The time to go has long passed. I'm scared you're on borrowed time.
Make sure he doesn't read this thread, and make your plans to go.

TheMaddHugger · 06/03/2020 02:58

I had sent her the link privately last night [my time, in Oz] as the link was removed by HQ.
Dont worry. she has the link

TheMaddHugger · 06/03/2020 02:59

Link = free complete ebook

TheMaddHugger · 06/03/2020 03:09

((((((Madd Hugs)))))) OP.🌸

It's not you. it's him

stuntbanana · 06/03/2020 05:36

Smothering you = attempted manslaughter

Have you gradually become more nervous ? Feeling like you are walking around on eggshells to avoid upsetting him ?
Honestly OP this is not how you should live your life , with in your relationship you should be happy and comfortable, carefree and relaxed, equals partners that give confidence and comfort to each other .

I hope you find some external help Thanks

YouJustDoYou · 06/03/2020 06:01

Would he smother/slam his fist down to his boss/a policeman/the 6.5foot tall man down the street? Of course he fucking wouldn't.

Why?

Because you're easy to keep in line. Because you won't fight back. Because you're easy to intimidate/shut up/force to agree that of course he is right and you are wrong. Because he's a fucking bulky and a coward, because bullies and coward only ever use their strength, height, aggression, rage on people they can control and cower.

Just because you love him, doesn't mean he loves and respects YOU enough to not treat you like a piece of shit he knows full well he can treat however he likes.

Candace19 · 06/03/2020 06:03

Wake up! (Please)

FireflyAurora · 06/03/2020 06:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

fuckitywhy · 06/03/2020 06:11

Jesus christ firefly, at least look at the OP's updates before you jump in with an insult. Wtf is your problem?

fuckitywhy · 06/03/2020 06:14

Op, if you have some time, please google "why does he do that, free pdf by Lindy bancroft". That book was a total eye opener for me.

Fairylea · 06/03/2020 06:17

He smothered you and you’re still with him??! Shock

Once is enough. Once is bad enough. Reading your posts sent shivers down my spine. He’s abusive and as long as you stay with him you’re still in danger.

NearlyGranny · 06/03/2020 06:32

Concur with everyone's advice. A punch or a push or a kick can leave a bruise or break a bone, but you're still alive. Abusers who smother or strangle can kill you within SECONDS. He is the most dangerous type of physical abuser. No doubt his defence would be that you 'wound him up' so he 'lost it' and oops - didn't realise how long he stopped you breathing. He'd probably get manslaughter. But what about YOU?

SummerWhisper · 06/03/2020 06:47

Take it easy today. You have indicated a huge realisation about his behaviour. Take your time to reflect, to become you again. People on here want to see you triumph, be safe and find happiness. You must be feeling awful, so just take your time to process where you are at and what you want to do. Don't feel any pressure to update. You don't owe mumsnetters anything (most of them are awesome people and will understand). Wishing you all the very best Flowers

batmancave · 06/03/2020 07:02

He previously smothered you and got really angry because you were panicking about something that quite a lot of people are worried about?

What's his good points op?

mumto2teenagers · 06/03/2020 07:23

His behaviour is abusive, you should not be worried about your partner coming home.

It was a bit stupid to panic buy and had I done that DH would have probably commented in a jokey kind of way. If he was waiting for the car to go out he might have been a bit pissed off and moaned about being late, but that would have been about it. I certainly wouldn’t have given it a second thought after he left.

Banging his hand on the table would worry me, especially with the previous incident.

mathanxiety · 06/03/2020 07:24

fuckitywhy, it looks as if Firefly posted on a wrong thread?

CanIHaveATiaraPlease · 06/03/2020 07:57

Op - I used to be a family solicitor specialising in domestic violence.

Believe me - It’s never ever the victims fault. It’s always the abusers because it’s a control issue. It’s their problem not yours.

Please believe me when I say your posts have made my blood run cold. He will kill you at some point. He smothered you. That’s trying to kill you. Not many of my clients had that happen to them.

Leave please leave.

fuckitywhy · 06/03/2020 07:57

No its them berating the OP for her first post about having a panic. Pointless and rude.

Hyrana · 06/03/2020 08:01

Oh OP, That is not good behaviour from a husband. You did nothing wrong and a man should not be banging his hand on a table ever, not to you, not to your kids, never. That is abusive.

I have no experience of this, but many other women here have so listen to them and look after yourself Flowers

Pinkerpellosa · 06/03/2020 08:12

I skipped a few pages and as I read comments re smothering I thought it meant stifling your personality. I am horrified to discover that he actually chose to forcefully stop your breathing. No wonder you're terrified of him. He could genuinely kill you any time he wanted. And has shown you that. Wonderful people do not do that.

Dillydallyontheway · 06/03/2020 09:07

I agree with the comments that smothering = attempting to kill you. It is only recently with counselling that I have really understood the full truth of this myself. For years, I downplayed my ex strangling me... that feeling of struggling for breath is terrifying. I used to downplay it as him having an anger problem and that his violence wasn’t that bad as at least he never put me in hospital/ broke bones etc. It took my counsellor to point out how close I came and how easy it would be for him to just go that little bit further and for me to be dead. He also pointed out that what he did would be regarded as attempted murder by the police. I had spent so long in denial/ downplaying things that that comment really shocked me to the core. But it explained the pure terror I used to feel when my ex was angry. Please please come back to the thread OP, I know all of this is a lot to take in but we can help you make sense of things/ take measures to keep yourself safe. This post is so upsetting to read and I am genuinely frightened for you... I don’t think I’ve ever said that on a thread before. This is really serious, you need help

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/03/2020 09:25

What you need to ask yourself, OP, in terms of him being "wonderful" , is how YOU have to behave to ensure that he is "wonderful". Do you have to take care over what you say, what you do, how much noise the kids make, etc.? in other words, are you considering everything that might upset him and avoiding it to have a "wonderful" husband? Because if you are then that does indeed mean that he is NOT wonderful, he is a controlling twat who is keeping you on eggshells by kicking off the second you step out of line.

I hope you're absorbing all this - it can be a monumental headfuck to realise how bad things have got without you really noticing - like boiling a frog. Abusers turn the heat up slowly and steadily until you're boiled to death, like a frog. Please be careful.

katkit · 06/03/2020 09:30

OP, you remind me of me. I got out, eventually. Is the thought of uprooting your life too much to bear, and so you are taking risks by staying with a dangerous partner?

What are the practical obstacles that prevent you from leaving?

Any pets? A charity can foster them, while you get on your feet.

Sorry to jump in with this, but it seems as if you don't feel able to leave. Practical ways to help you do this might, i hope, make it seem less overwhelming.

user1423578854468 · 06/03/2020 09:39

No wonder you were so frightened when you're living with someone who's capable of trying to kill you.

You blame yourself, but I wonder what it would take for someone to "make" you smother them? What could your kids do that would "make" you smother them as punishment? Anything? Or is there nothing anybody could do that would cause or justify that response from you?

Nursejackie1 · 06/03/2020 09:48

Smothering you is a huge red flag to him ending up killing you. You really need to take this seriously OP. His controlling behaviour towards you is petrifying. Honestly you need to stop minimising, stop blaming yourself and make plans to get out safely. There’s a much better life waiting for you when you are free of this shit.