to think the silent treatment is cruel?

[probablysue]

I’d like some opinions on this please.
AIBU in asking my DH to stop giving me the cold shoulder/silent treatment every time we argue? His view is that it’s his way of dealing and it’s down to him to decide if that’s ok or not and it’s not punishment but my view is different. Ok to take a few hours out, a day but his silent treatments are lasting up to a week in length. During that time he checks out of childcare and it’s impossible to live life normally. He walks out of a room when I walk in etc. Even if I apologise and I have to email that because I can’t physically talk to him, it still doesn’t end the cold shouldering. My view is that people argue, you don’t always agree but you carry on living while you discuss your issues. He completely shuts himself away. No sleeping together. No touching. Nothing. How on earth am I supposed to deal with it? It leads to no conflict resolution although if it’s him being snappy/argue starting then I’ll accept his apology and hug it out and we move on with our day. I believe the silent treatment is punishment, he disagrees and says it’s self protection. AIBU?

you said it OP - he doesn't think you have a right to your own feelings. Not only that, but he is in a rage because you dare to even think you can have those feelings.

What are his own family dynamics like? What are his parents like together? You know your children are already assimilating that this is a normal way for a man to treat a woman?

This is no way to live.

I got really very angry with my DH over this. Interestingly, while my feelings of distress over the sulks didn’t get through, my withering contempt did.

I told him family life had to go on so he had to engage with me about things, whether or not he was still angry with me. The D.C. notice, and hate it plus it is a terrible example to set them. The thing that really seemed to have an impact was when I told him that each time he does this I lose a little bit of my respect for him, especially given that he was actually abandoning the children and relying on me to step up. I asked him if he honestly wanted to pass the legacy of his dysfunctional family onto our children (I know he doesn’t, he wants more than anything to keep them far away from it).

And also, everything “InfiniteSheldon” said: I leave him to it as much as possible, including taking the children out with me and leaving him to his nonsense. As a result, he has got miles better.

By the way, I think this has to be dealt with as a completely separate issue from whatever you have argued about. Do work on the underlying issues by all means, but I have always refused to do so along with the whole stonewalling thing because it is otherwise too easy for the sulker to claim that the sulking is a reasonable or proportionate response to the argument. In fact, it never is.

PS I had a good friend who lived in silence with her (now) ex for a couple of years. The effect on the children was awful. They changed so much. She did it to force him to leave, but he refused to discuss anything so she stuck it out. It's abusive IMO.

Taking time out to calm down from a situation is fine.

Controlling someone else with your own silent treatment is shitty, controlling and abusive.

You've hit the nail on the head OP when you said "I haven't got a right to whatever feelings I've got". If one person in a relationship isn't willing to listen, to respond respectfully or to compromise, you don't have a relationship; you have a dictatorship.

He doesn't have the right to tell you that you are not permitted your feelings about things. No-one gets to tell another person that they are not allowed their subjective emotional response.

Have you read the threads of @jamaisjedors about her sulky husband?

Start here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking

@probablysue

Can you see how unreasonable he's being, though? I honestly think that you need to cut through the crap and tell him no, you do have the right to express/have an opinion and he needs to listen to it.

If he doesn't respect you enough to listen to your opinions without getting angry, etc., you have no future together. Tell him that upfront, OP. I know it's horrible but if you don't take a stand, his behaviour will continue. That's what my DH did with me. I can still clearly remember that sentence and his expression when he told me that he wasn't putting up with my short temper anymore, that we'd be finished if I didn't make an effort to control it....

Make a stand, OP, and if he can't change, he's honestly not worth your time.

In a healthy relationship, two people respect and love each enough to assume that when the other person says they're upset, they mean it and their feelings are legitimate. Equally the upset person assumes that the hurt wasn't deliberate and that maybe they've got the wrong end of the stick. The hurt person says why they're upset, the other person listens, they discuss it (maybe with some emotion, but not with swearing, name-calling or anger) and either sort out the misunderstanding or sort a way for it not to happen again. There is no punishing each other, or making each other suffer or deliberately manipulating the other person. Once you get into that territory you're on to a complete loser IMO. You don't punish or manipulate someone you love and respect.

If you say you're upset and the other person tries to tell you you're wrong then basically they don't care about how you feel, they're more focused on deflecting blame than fixing the situation. No amount of saying it the right way will fix that.

OP do you genuinely not see what is happening. You aren't allowed to disagree with him, get annoyed with him, do anything he doesn't like. You are simply not OK to do that. If you do he will withdraw love, affection and support. You have to grovel and apologise.

He is allowed to get annoyed. He is allowed to disagree. He is allowed feelings. He is allowed to punish you for transgressions. He never has to apologise or act in any way other than what he wants.

If you think the above is a relationship you want, carry on. I wouldn't.

The more you say the worse he sounds OP.

He doesnt speak to his whole family for a week because you got a small present from a friend?

You're not allowed to have feelings or Express yourself because you're implicitly criticising him, but hes allowed to blame your behaviour for his epic sulks?

Your feelings about his shitty behaviour are all on you and nothing to do with him?

It is normal and healthy in a marriage to disagree about things and talk them through, without yelling or personal insults or bringing up past arguments or sulking

If it happens again just let him sulk, dont try and discussions with him, but also no washing, no food or anything. If he checks out of conversation,you can check out as well

To be honest I couldn’t live like that and would be looking to leave

Pathetic reactions by him!

God no, I couldn't be with such a baby, his parents should have stopped this, at two years old, any attraction would be gone, although I'm sure he has many more delightful quirks nobody would accept for a minute.

It is possible to be in a loving, healthy relationship and never argue. Arguing involves two people who disagree with each other trying to get their own point across, often by refuting or denying the other person's point of view. What should happen in a relationship is that two people trust and care about each other enough that even if they disagree or feel hurt they can still get their point across and they can still listen to each other. Arguing is about winning, but trying to win in a relationship means the other person has to lose. If one person always loses, or feels they always lose, what's in it for them? Why bother being with someone who always has to be right and have their own way?

If it were simply the case that he’s struggling to handle his emotions, he’s want to take on board what you are saying. The fact that he sees no reason to change tips it into abusive territory imo. You are asking how to fix this. You can’t not if he doesn’t want to. This leaves you with a few options including :
1 continue as you are
2 reframe the hurt and allow him the space to do what he wants
3 tell him he needs to change or it’s over
4 tell him it’s over

Only point 1 will bring zero change. If you go for 2 and change he has to adapt. At first he may push back and it could get worse. I’d probably try 3.

Just tell him to google 'Stonewalling abuse'
He may get the message.
But right now, this response works for him.
He can check out of all responsibilities and you allow it!!!
You are enabling it.
I would leave him with the DC every single night he didn't speak to me.
'You aren't speaking to me so I'm off out - see you!'
He'll soon sort himself out if he's left to handle everything.
But this IS ABUSE OP!
And I've no doubt it's not the only thing he does to abuse you and the DC.
To HIM OP, your feelings do NOT matter.
That is the crux of it.
It's all about him and you must tow the line and be the good wife and mother and not bother him with any emotions or feelings.
I think it's time to really rethink this relationship OP.
You cannot live like this and you cannot expose your DC to this abusive environment.

Tell him sulking is for 5 year olds and you're not going to put up with it anymore.

OP, this is horrific. On lots of levels. Also, I'm guessing that he's training you never to challenge or disagree with him because you are worrying that if you do, he'll give you the silent treatment for a week or more?

Also, I assume it only stops once you've sufficiently prostrated yourself and begged forgiveness even if you didn't do anything you felt was wrong?

To take some time to calm down is fine. If someone has done something truly awful and you're struggling to process it, I can understand how that might make normal life a bit tricky. But that doesn't mean you get to check out completely and certainly it doesn't mean that you simply decide you're not involved with family life.

i'm not sure what, if any, answer there is here for a happy resolution but I'd be telling him that if he wants to do the silent treatment, that's fine, but you will no longer be tip toeing around it or accommodating it. So go about your life, do NOTHING you wouldn't normally do, if he won't engage, don't engage bak so no cooking, cleaning etc for him. Also, he will be expected to do the same childcare stuff as he would normally and then get on with it.

But I'm not hugely optimistic and I think there'll come a point where it will be easier to just to walk away because this man is clearly not a nice person.

Tha accusing blame thing - how are you expressing your upset? Instead of ‘you said this/did this/made me feel this’ could you try saying ‘when you said this it made me feel like’ try reframing a bit so it’s more about how you felt not what he did and maybe have a discussion about just because he didn’t intend with his actions to make you feel one way doesn’t mean your feelings are invalid etc. Try to take away the accusatory nature of the comment?

But also if he’s ignoring for days I’d ltb that is abuse op. I’d also play him at his own game, I suspect he likes you suffering and begging for communication- don’t. If you are genuinely in the wrong give a kind but form apology once but make it clear that if he doesn’t then communicate that you will not chase him. He will either stay silent for ever or grow up.

Thanks everyone. This is all very useful

I tried various things Inc raging crying ignoring back was what really worked and saying feel free to leave you can keep doing this and every time you do it it chips away a bit more of our relationship I love you a bit less and one day I won't want to make up ill just be over it. I'd stay in the adult zone and if the kids are about I would leave and go out without him I wouldn't let them witness it. If he said it was my fault (which he did) I'd calmly say no you are an adult you are responsible for your feelings and behaviour not me. I pointed out it was deeply unattractive as well. We didn't have joint dc though

and then I end up chasing trying to fix the marriage and resolve

And there you have it!
You enable him to act like a childish twat, then you moan. STOP ENABLING HIM. Stop chasing to fix his problem. Talk to him, if he ignores you, walk out! Leave him with the kids, go visit friends or family, ring in sick at work, but stop letting him behave like a total dick.

@hellsbellsmelons
During the latest episode I sent him a website link to an article on the silent treatment and why it’s so damaging. I simply said that I’d like him to read it as it explains why it upsets me so much when he does it. He wrote back furiously saying the website is bullshit and doesn’t explain anything about our relationship at all. I said you’re right it doesn’t explain everything and that wasn’t my intention. My intention was to highlight to him the impact of the extended periods of withdrawal. I’m then told I’m doing it again and still accusing by email when he’s already told me he doesn’t want me doing that.
I’m pretty much out of options at this point!

Carry on as normal speak to him as you normally would if he choses to ignore you that is his problem making every silent treatment about him is just prolonging the passive aggressive bullshit! My dh used to do this a parent of this did it to them so it was what dh had learned it was a slow process but we actually work out disagreements better these days.