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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think the silent treatment is cruel?

245 replies

probablysue · 04/03/2020 13:51

I’d like some opinions on this please.
AIBU in asking my DH to stop giving me the cold shoulder/silent treatment every time we argue? His view is that it’s his way of dealing and it’s down to him to decide if that’s ok or not and it’s not punishment but my view is different. Ok to take a few hours out, a day but his silent treatments are lasting up to a week in length. During that time he checks out of childcare and it’s impossible to live life normally. He walks out of a room when I walk in etc. Even if I apologise and I have to email that because I can’t physically talk to him, it still doesn’t end the cold shouldering. My view is that people argue, you don’t always agree but you carry on living while you discuss your issues. He completely shuts himself away. No sleeping together. No touching. Nothing. How on earth am I supposed to deal with it? It leads to no conflict resolution although if it’s him being snappy/argue starting then I’ll accept his apology and hug it out and we move on with our day. I believe the silent treatment is punishment, he disagrees and says it’s self protection. AIBU?

OP posts:
MuggaTea · 04/03/2020 15:36

my techniques:
(disclaimer we have no kids, any his sulks only last hours)

  1. same as InfiniteSheldon --- enjoy it!
  2. pretend he isn't ignoring you .... have a conversation, statements like " do you have any objections with this decision? no? good i'll do that then..." ..... basically don't give him the reward he is expecting.
CrazyToast · 04/03/2020 15:37

He doesn't get to decide if you have the right to your feelings. He doesn't have to agree or understand, but he should be able to see that he has hurt you and at least try to resolve that. He is punishing you for not behaving as he wants, then trying to frame it as you controlling him. I've had this. Call bullshit on it every time. Sadly the main power you have is to withdraw from the relationship if he wont learn to treat you with compassion and respect. An hour or so of sulking, even a day, is fine but what you are describing is way beyond, and is emotional manipulation.

JaceLancs · 04/03/2020 15:39

Presumably the argument has nothing to do with your DC so why should he stop parenting them
I’d be very tempted to avoid his silent treatment by checking into a hotel, leaving him with DC to look after n ask him to email you to let you know when his need for self protection is over

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/03/2020 15:39

he left me a note saying he had an important meeting in the morning and to wake him up at 6am

The fucking arrogance of the man.

Jellybeansincognito · 04/03/2020 15:39

I don’t tolerate silent treatment, it is abuse. It is really cruel.

If someone can’t communicate with you when it’s really needed, there’s no chance of a relationship ever working.

Mistystar99 · 04/03/2020 15:40

Next time he does it, just go and stay with a friend or your mum for a week. Leave the kids with him!

RandomMess · 04/03/2020 15:43

He is just plain nasty.

Silent treatment gives him all the power and he knows it. You probably avoid conflict with him to avoid receiving the silent treatment.

He is very happy with this as he gets to rule the roost whilst keeping a veneer of appearing not to be abusive but he very clearly is!

Windyatthebeach · 04/03/2020 15:45

Leave a note.
Dh it's time to get up....

Roussette · 04/03/2020 15:47

What a nasty nasty man. He's no different to Geoff off of Corrie who is literally torturing his wife.

I would not last one day of someone ignoring me, it's a control thing and yes it is abuse. You cannot live like this, think of your children.

I am speaking as someone married over 30 years. Yes, we row, yes we need to take a breather and not talk for an hour or so. But neither of us deliberately ignores the other.

Your DH knows he is hurting you. You have told him. Yet he carries on. He is vile.

When he is talking to you, tell him that the next time he does this, you are going to pack up the children and yourself and go somewhere (friend, your DM, whoever) until he texts you that he is now talking to you. That will give him a chance to get used to the idea that you are not going to put up with it.
When you get back, tell him that if he does this again, you are going to file for divorce.

ironicname · 04/03/2020 15:48

It's called sulking and it's a petulant attempt to make you feel guilty.

IckyIsAFuckingStupidWord · 04/03/2020 15:51

My best friends husband does this to her. She has many times come to me in tears because of it. It’s awful to watch and know you can’t do anything to help her and as much as I’d love to give him a mouthful over it, I can’t. I feel for you op.

drina27 · 04/03/2020 15:53

It is abusive behaviour and stinks heavily of control.

Original poster
probablysue · 04/03/2020 15:54

I get what everyone is saying but my family support is too far away to pick up the kids and go and still do school runs. We’ve got responsibilities here and it’s not fair on them to disrupt their lives. There’s no way I’d leave them. That’s punishing me and the kids, not him. He’d also delight in telling them that their mum has abandoned them. I literally don’t know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
WaggleWiggle · 04/03/2020 15:56

It’s controlling, selfish and unacceptable. If he continually demonstrates that he can’t talk about things which bother him like an adult without resorting to a week-long strop, I’d personally consider that an irreconcilable difference.

Tessie87 · 04/03/2020 15:58

@probablysue sounds like an awful situation to be in. I can appreciate someone withdrawing for an hour or two to avoid the argument escalating or to just cool off but no, any longer is just unacceptable and with small children it's not fair on anyone. Sets a terrible example to your little ones. I feel for you because I would say you need to have a conversation but it doesn't sound like you'd get anywhere 😩

Original poster
probablysue · 04/03/2020 15:59

The last weeks worth of silent treatment he sent me an email saying “it’s time..” (after my friend gave me the present) saying that the marriage was over and using foul language, accusing me of an affair in vile language. I still then sat and tried to resolve it and tried to see it from his perspective. When does he get held responsible for his reactions? I have to be responsible for mine! The thing is that I’m on my own. I have no family support around me so if I leave I’m on my own. Two small kids. Self righteous ex...I just can’t see how I’d manage without them. They’re my everything. They need their Mum!

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 04/03/2020 15:59

If you don't feel you can leave him atm you are going to have to find ways to live with him . PPs have given some advice how do you see yourself handiling him because this scurrying around apologising to him isn't working for you,

Roussette · 04/03/2020 16:01

How often does the silent treatment happen?

Saing 'It's time' is horrible. He's torturing you AFAIC

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 04/03/2020 16:02

What does he mean by needing to keep himself safe? Thats quite a weird turn of phrase isnt it?

Is he afraid you'll hurt him or that he'll hurt himself?

WaggleWiggle · 04/03/2020 16:03

No, it’s not up to him if he withdraws for a week. He lives in a household with a wife and his children and whether or not he’s in a massive petulant sulk, life goes on and he has parental responsibilities and a duty towards you as your spouse to not make life utterly miserable. What he is doing is absolutely disgusting. Just because he feels entitled to blank you for a week doesn’t mean that he gets to do that without any questioning about why he’s being so utterly pathetic.

RandomMess · 04/03/2020 16:03

Seriously LTB he is so abusive you just aren't able to see it yet.

Thanks
drina27 · 04/03/2020 16:05

Sadly yes.

mbosnz · 04/03/2020 16:06

So he's both verbally and emotionally abusive, and also seeking to isolate you from your friends? This is going nowhere good. . .

WaggleWiggle · 04/03/2020 16:08

Also agree with Topshelf that mentioning that he blanks you for a week at a time in front of other people so that he can see their shocked and uncomfortable reactions might make it crystal clear to him that this is not normal behaviour and it’s actually a form of controlling abuse.

HelenUrth · 04/03/2020 16:09

Horrendous situation for you OP. My mother does this so I can sympathise. I have gone very very low contact with her. She will never admit to her behaviour, she lives by the narcissists prayer:

That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did...
You deserved it.

You need to look after yourself. You can't change him. So you need to decide are you going to live with his abuse or not. If you do, this will carry on another generation as your DC will learn this is how a man treats the mother of his children. Chances are he learned this behaviour during his own childhood. You may find that he will try to improve if you threaten consequences (you must mean them) but I doubt it, it sounds like he completely refuses to listen to you. Should you finally leave him (which he deserves) he will probably be all upset about he didn't mean it and he loves you so much and give him another chance, don't break up our family etc. etc. Because life is all about him and he doesn't feel the need to accommodate anyone else's feelings. Then when he has to face consequences it's always someone else's fault.

Here's an article you may find helpful, it gives an insight into the mind of someone who gives the silent treatment: narcissisticandemotionalabuse.co.uk/the-sound-of-silence/

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