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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think the silent treatment is cruel?

245 replies

probablysue · 04/03/2020 13:51

I’d like some opinions on this please.
AIBU in asking my DH to stop giving me the cold shoulder/silent treatment every time we argue? His view is that it’s his way of dealing and it’s down to him to decide if that’s ok or not and it’s not punishment but my view is different. Ok to take a few hours out, a day but his silent treatments are lasting up to a week in length. During that time he checks out of childcare and it’s impossible to live life normally. He walks out of a room when I walk in etc. Even if I apologise and I have to email that because I can’t physically talk to him, it still doesn’t end the cold shouldering. My view is that people argue, you don’t always agree but you carry on living while you discuss your issues. He completely shuts himself away. No sleeping together. No touching. Nothing. How on earth am I supposed to deal with it? It leads to no conflict resolution although if it’s him being snappy/argue starting then I’ll accept his apology and hug it out and we move on with our day. I believe the silent treatment is punishment, he disagrees and says it’s self protection. AIBU?

OP posts:
Electrical · 04/03/2020 23:29

Instead of fawning over him and obsessing over ‘he thinks, he did, he said, he wants’, simply put the focus solely onto what impact it’ll have on your kids being forced to endure existence in an abusive ‘home’.

Their shit male parent opts out of parenting for huge periods of time and makes you all pander to him, walk on eggshells, live in an unsafe, tense building with cortisol and adrenaline flooding their developing brains. I am one of those children, now middle aged, and I despise the people who forced me to live like that, it has damaged my body and mental health for life, my mother put some dude before my safety, wittering that she was ‘scared’. Not as scared as me.

You think he’ll legit want to parent his kids 50% of the time once reality hits? I think not. And they can choose for themselves once they’re teens.
Enjoy his silence, get your kids onto a counselling waiting list, and employ a solicitor to get the scum out of your life.

pallisers · 04/03/2020 23:31

Prawn that is such a great quote.

Glitteryone · 04/03/2020 23:35

I experienced this throughout childhood and my ex also done it to me for years.

I couldn’t be in that situation again. It’s so damaging.

FrenchtoEnglish · 04/03/2020 23:39

Stonewalling. Lots of info if you Google it. It's abuse.

Ifeelinclined · 04/03/2020 23:45

I say this kindly, but please re-think staying with him and putting up with this bs. I grew up with parents who did this kind of shit. It nearly destroyed me. They finally divorced when I was 13, but I knew nothing other than their unhealthy marriage as a model. I don't think your marriage can be saved. Let it go, and work on saving yourself and your children. Get some therapy for yourself. Don't let your children grow up thinking this is normal.

123Dancewithme · 04/03/2020 23:46

My father did this to my mother when I was a child, and he still does it now. It’s an awful environment to live in.

RabbityMcRabbit · 05/03/2020 00:07

My mum used to do this to me. She once went 3 months without speaking to me and I've ended up with a lot of issues around it and a lot of time spent in counselling. It's horrible thing to to

MadameMeursault · 05/03/2020 00:28

He’s an abusive, selfish, immature twat. I couldn’t live like that. Seriously, LTB.

TechnicalSergeantGarp · 05/03/2020 00:50

When I first moved in with DH decades ago he was a sulker. His parents often don't speak to each other for weeks at a time. After about 6 months, I was ready to leave.

After two weeks or more of ignoring me he was suddenly fine. It would take me much longer to get over it and the issues never fully resolved. It took a frank conversation to resolve this issue but I was dealing with a reasonable person. I said it was a punative action and if he decided not to speak to me, then I would decide when this period of punishment was over. And I might decide not to.This wasn't a threat, I totally meant it. I did nothing for him when I was in the sin bin. I'd separate laundry and only do my owm, cook for myself, watch what I wanted etc, go out with friends.

I also had to deal with my own family baggage. In my family we can say frank and horrible things and then be totally ok five minutes afterwards. We drew up our own rules of engagement. We have had very few serious rows since. Cool off time is ok (overnight is okish as a maximum).

This was before we had DC. ILs asked us over when they weren't speaking to each other. I flipped out(when dc weren't there). I don't want to come to their house if they aren't speaking and DC will also not be allowed to go. Same rules apply, they can start the sulk, but I'll end it. The sulk was counter productive. I was full of rage and resentment at the end of it.

No-one ever removed themselves from family life.

DingleberryRose · 05/03/2020 01:03

It’s abusive and a behaviour men seem to more commonly display. If my DH did that I’d have to nip it in the bud pretty sharpish or leave.

Adults communicate, children sulk.

Celledora · 05/03/2020 01:07

Hey OP, have you seen the multiple threads by Jamaisjedors? Thread 1 started with OP writing about her DH’s silent treatment and their subsequent separation, I think DJ’s a year on now and I’m always delighted to read how much better life is for her and her D.C. I’m sorry if it’s been mentioned already, I haven’t RTFT, just your posts.

FagashJackie · 05/03/2020 01:07

Or if you stay, next time he sulks into your space, look at him and say, 'shut up you silly old man'.

You should really leave him though. I agreed with the call 101 post, get him out of your house and you will feel better. Can you imagine not worrying about upsetting him, and just getting on with life?

Celledora · 05/03/2020 01:08

DJ? OP!

timeisnotaline · 05/03/2020 01:22

Speak to Women’s aid op. Start a diary file, each day note ‘bob home from 6. Didn’t cook, eat with us, help the children eat, participate in bath story or bed. I asked him politely to do bath and was ignored.

I can’t see him getting 50/50 although you never know. You should see a lawyer. Less attention on him, more attention on your and your childrens future. Look at him playing this pathetic abusive game and imagine you were someone else- what would you think about his actions? I’d be tempted to say loudly and clearly as he sat there uselessly ‘There is no way you are ever getting 50/50 care with me, there is very little evidence you even like your children much less have a clue how to look after them. I can’t tell you how unattractive that is.’

billybagpuss · 05/03/2020 06:24

Are you ok Op this must be a lot to take in 💐

bgmama · 05/03/2020 06:42

I was the child of an emotionally abusive marriage. My DM also used the "I am staying for the sake of the children" excuse, like you do. I can't begin to tell you how guilty you children will feel growing up because of that. After we all moved out, got married etc, my mother started using the "I have no financial independence/support" excuse and after that the "I am not in good health" excuse. In the end, they were all excuses because she didn't want to leave our father and she was hoping he will change. He never did. Please stop using your children as an excuse of why you are not leaving, it is cowardice.

Walkingwounded · 05/03/2020 07:01

Probablysue you describe my life for 15 years.

I am out of it now but when I look back I can see the damage it has done to me and the kids.

Google ‘covert narcissist’ and look at Debbie Mirza’s book on this. Also Lundy Bancroft Why Does He Do That.

The effects on you are awful, but the effects in the kids will be lifelong. I shielded mine as much as I could but do see the effects now they are teenagers.

I shared your dread of splitting because of the effects on the kids. I can’t lie, it’s tough for the first year. After that you find a rhythm and it’s ok.

My counsellor says while I can no longer fully shield the children from exh, I am providing them with a safe space for half the time, where they can be themselves and not walk on eggshells/be afraid of reactions/etc. That is much more protective than living 100% with an abuser and seeing their mother abused.

Good luck. Do the reading. And get some counselling if you can. Once you’re out you won’t believe you put up with it for so long.

AlwaysCheddar · 05/03/2020 07:06

Get rid. He’s abusive and nasty and a crap father. He won’t want 50/50 custody as he’s too selfish. Get rid.

LettyFisher · 05/03/2020 07:12

I also endured this as a child from my mother. So damaging.

OP it's abuse. There's no way of dealing with it.

And actually, your children will be affected by it too -especially since he involves them in the silent treatment, but even if he didn't , they WILL see how he treats you, and the effect of this on you. You need to get them out of this toxic relationship too.

DianneWhatcock · 05/03/2020 08:01

YANBU op and I'm so sorry you have had to put up with this and for him to withhold care of the children is actually vile

I'm currently deciding whether to cut a "friend" off who frequently does this

Reading all this has made me realise exactly how awful it is

Fretfulparent · 05/03/2020 09:06

Just a thought: Could he have deliberately hidden the thing you lost and then "found" it?

Bluetrews25 · 05/03/2020 10:07

That sounds very reasonable @Fretfulparent - it's not often a woman can't find something but a man can. Sorry to be sexist.

PureedSocksAndPants · 05/03/2020 10:25

It’s awful and it is abuse as so many have said. If you can get away then do so. It will affect your dc because inevitably he will do it to them too.

I grew up with this with my father. He’s now nearly 80 and he will still become distant and glares in fury but won’t talk or argue his point or clear the air when there is a disagreement. It used to utterly tie me in knots as a child he would simply withdraw emotionally. His silence could go on for days. Sometimes I had no idea what it was that had set it off.

It has affected my relationship with my parents detrimentally as an adult. The bottom line is it’s about control. You dare not ever disagree and tread on a million eggshells. What kind of relationship is that? Sad

Bringringbring12 · 05/03/2020 11:47

Op.

Do you work?
How old are the children?
Are there any redeeming qualities to your marriage whatsoever? I honestly can’t see any and nothing in this thread to suggest otherwise

Bringringbring12 · 05/03/2020 11:49

* That sounds very reasonable @Fretfulparent - it's not often a woman can't find something but a man can. Sorry to be sexist.*

Oh good lord Hmm