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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think the silent treatment is cruel?

245 replies

probablysue · 04/03/2020 13:51

I’d like some opinions on this please.
AIBU in asking my DH to stop giving me the cold shoulder/silent treatment every time we argue? His view is that it’s his way of dealing and it’s down to him to decide if that’s ok or not and it’s not punishment but my view is different. Ok to take a few hours out, a day but his silent treatments are lasting up to a week in length. During that time he checks out of childcare and it’s impossible to live life normally. He walks out of a room when I walk in etc. Even if I apologise and I have to email that because I can’t physically talk to him, it still doesn’t end the cold shouldering. My view is that people argue, you don’t always agree but you carry on living while you discuss your issues. He completely shuts himself away. No sleeping together. No touching. Nothing. How on earth am I supposed to deal with it? It leads to no conflict resolution although if it’s him being snappy/argue starting then I’ll accept his apology and hug it out and we move on with our day. I believe the silent treatment is punishment, he disagrees and says it’s self protection. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
probablysue · 04/03/2020 15:07

@Cloudyapples I’ve read LOTS on this. I’ve reframed all of my approaches and now I do the “I feel like this when you...” thing. It makes no difference. I then get told that he’s not interested in my emotional bullshit and to stop playing the victim and that I’m the bully.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 04/03/2020 15:09

I then get told that he’s not interested in my emotional bullshit and to stop playing the victim and that I’m the bully.

What a prince.

TheDailyCarbuncle · 04/03/2020 15:11

The only response to the 'bully' nonsense is 'If you think I'm a bully then I really think you should leave, for your own safety.'

I guarantee, he doesn't think you're a bully. He just wants you to shut up.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/03/2020 15:14

He just wants you to shut up.

Reread this a few times.

Original poster
probablysue · 04/03/2020 15:15

Yes you’re all right. It’s just that if I can’t solve this I spend lots of the rest of my life without my babies. It’s just horrific.

OP posts:
onceandneveragain · 04/03/2020 15:15

If he thinks that the silent treatment is an appropriate and the "correct" way of dealing with arguments, what would he do it you did it to him?

Also what if you both checked out of the childcare because you were sulking with each other? What does he think should happen with the kids? Or is it only him who is allowed to react in this way?

Ferretyone · 04/03/2020 15:15

@Littlebluetruck @probablysue

If there is - in your mind - any hope for this please consider the advice to go to Counselling Flowers

AcrossthePond55 · 04/03/2020 15:15

My ex was an abusive screamer who would verbally vomit his rage then start the silent treatment so I wouldn't be able to respond. I kicked him out after 4 years of it.

Whilst we were still together I actually looked forward to him getting to the 'silent treatment' stage. I learnt to just ignore his sulking and 'enjoy' the quiet. He never listened to me anyway and at least if he was silent he wasn't yelling.

But yes, for the most part the silent treatment is cruel.

IHateUserName · 04/03/2020 15:16

It's a particularly cruel & calculated form of abuse that is designed to break the victim down into never challenging or questioning the abuser & it will soon make you doubt your own perceptions & judgement. Which you are already doing. He is psychologically abusing you but when he throws that word in your face accusing you of being abusive, you believe him & back down & spend your time panicking that you are the one in the wrong. You need to talk to him about this, & if he won't listen & isn't prepared to change you should think about leaving, for your sake & especially for your children's sake. You are allowed to get angry, to have emotions, to lose your temper. When your partner punishes you for that, he is being abusive.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/03/2020 15:17

Are you sure he would want a significant amount of contact if you split?

maa1992 · 04/03/2020 15:17

Id threaten to leave

Original poster
probablysue · 04/03/2020 15:17

@IHateUserName he says it isn’t though. He says it to protect himself. So he can be safe.

OP posts:
PerfectParrot · 04/03/2020 15:18

It’s just that if I can’t solve this I spend lots of the rest of my life without my babies.

You can't solve it. You can only decide if you are prepared to accept it or not. And bear in mind that if you do accept it your babies will grow up in a toxic household, which is incredibly damaging to them.

BlingLoving · 04/03/2020 15:18

@probablysue - every post makes him sound worse. Think about this - do you want your DC growing up like this? Do you want them to learn this is how relationships work? Do you want them walking on eggshells all the time because of the fear their dad will send them or you to coventry if anything doesn't go his way?

He's a baby who wants his own way. I guarantee that if you threaten divorce he will scream about how he will be taking the kids 100% etc etc etc. But I also guarantee that when it comes down to it he won't. I know this because he's already happy to farm off their care to you simply because he's in a bad mood. I'd be quite surprised if he even manages to take them for any kind of real time if you're separated and I'm 100% sure that if he treats them the way he treats yo u(which he will) you'll find that as soon as they can, they'll avoid seeing or spending time with him.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/03/2020 15:19

Safe from you getting a present?

mbosnz · 04/03/2020 15:19

What exactly is it that you're doing that he feels is so dangerous to him? Are you threatening to kill him? Are you physically assaulting him or threatening to do so?

If not, then he's talking drama llama rubbish.

Mrsjayy · 04/03/2020 15:20

Be safe from what though ? Do you argue a lot in front of the children ?

pallisers · 04/03/2020 15:20

@probablysue - every post makes him sound worse. Think about this - do you want your DC growing up like this? Do you want them to learn this is how relationships work? Do you want them walking on eggshells all the time because of the fear their dad will send them or you to coventry if anything doesn't go his way?

this. Even if he has access to them after a split, they won't see him treating you like this, they won't be learning that this is how relationships are. They are less likely to grow up to marry someone like him or be like him.

DimplesToadfoot · 04/03/2020 15:27

My ex used to do this to me, one of the reasons why he's now an ex, he did actually stop doing this after one night when he wasn't talking to me, he left me a note saying he had an important meeting in the morning and to wake him up at 6am. At 6am I crept into the bedroom and left a note at the side of the bed. The note said "wake up its 6am" He came crashing down about 9.30 screaming why didn't I wake him, I'd preempted this and held up another piece of paper which said "I did" :-)

Not my own original idea, someone else had done it before me and I'd read about it. I thought it was fabulous .. still do

I don't know how to help you with your predicament though, I put up with it for years and only found my backbone in the 3 months before we split up, his bad behaviour nearly destroyed me, I hope you do manage to sort it .. or ltb before he destroys you

ShinyRuby · 04/03/2020 15:31

I endured it as a child, it’s so, so damaging.
It really is.
Please think about a divorce from this man he is unlikely to change.

billybagpuss · 04/03/2020 15:32

How old are your DC? As pp have said you do not want them to grow up thinking this is acceptable.

Do read Jamaisjedore’s thread linked above it chronicles a year of dealing with this sort of crap.

Do you want to stay with this relationship and do you have any real life support? If DH had tried this I would have gone back to my mum.

hellsbellsmelons · 04/03/2020 15:32

How old are your DC now?
It won't be lots of the rest of your life.
And you cannot put the burden of your unhappiness on your DC.
They won't thank you for it later in life when they are abused or become abusers.
Depending on the sex of your DC, as women they won't have any respect for themselves or expect anything much from a man and as a man they won't have any respect for women.
They will learn this from your relationship.
Don't ruin their future lives.
They need you as their role model right now.

pallisers · 04/03/2020 15:34

That's brilliant Dimples :)

Lynda07 · 04/03/2020 15:35

You're not unreasonable, it's vile and cowardly. It would drive me up the wall, I couldn't stand living with someone who did that. Sulky, manipulative sod.

Tell him straight you won't put up with it and threaten to leave - only make it look as though you are really making arrangements to leave. Then don't talk to him.

I feel cross on your behalf.

museumum · 04/03/2020 15:35

I feel like maybe just maybe if he had a very dysfunctional childhood AND he’s willing to seek some kind of therapy (individual and couples) then that’s the only way I could even consider staying with this man.
You can’t change him yourself. Couples therapy might not work but it’d be worth a try.