to think the silent treatment is cruel?

[probablysue]

I’d like some opinions on this please.
AIBU in asking my DH to stop giving me the cold shoulder/silent treatment every time we argue? His view is that it’s his way of dealing and it’s down to him to decide if that’s ok or not and it’s not punishment but my view is different. Ok to take a few hours out, a day but his silent treatments are lasting up to a week in length. During that time he checks out of childcare and it’s impossible to live life normally. He walks out of a room when I walk in etc. Even if I apologise and I have to email that because I can’t physically talk to him, it still doesn’t end the cold shouldering. My view is that people argue, you don’t always agree but you carry on living while you discuss your issues. He completely shuts himself away. No sleeping together. No touching. Nothing. How on earth am I supposed to deal with it? It leads to no conflict resolution although if it’s him being snappy/argue starting then I’ll accept his apology and hug it out and we move on with our day. I believe the silent treatment is punishment, he disagrees and says it’s self protection. AIBU?

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras I agree. It’s extreme. He also uses extreme language like I’ve “accused” him..I said “you haven’t committed murder!” whenever I try and explain my side of a conflict or my point of view it’s taken as blaming and accusing! It’s so dramatic. He’s the one who sat there one evening googling things I said about a tv programme to “prove me wrong” and then gloating that I wasn’t right. Fine with me. Happy to be proved wrong but it’s the mechanism and the way he goes about it so determinedly. It’s just a bit soul destroying, nasty and weird. I’d lost something a few weeks ago and he found it for me. I gave him a big hug and said thank you. Brilliant. Amazing. Thanks SO much. Yay...etc then he got arsey and said back “actually get down on your knees and say thank you”!!!

So when he does no childcare ypu mean yo say he will sit in the house and watch you do everything? Also does he eat dinner you've made etc? Do the dishes? Just trying to work out how a normal day in your house goes? Seems to me you wouldnt really miss his help/presence? It goes without saying hes a gas lighting prick but could he also be a lazy arsed slob who engineers this supposed slights so he can do as he pleases? Either way i couldn't live with it

@HelenUrth thank you. That’s really useful info

The last weeks worth of silent treatment he sent me an email saying “it’s time..” (after my friend gave me the present) saying that the marriage was over and using foul language, accusing me of an affair in vile language.

Find this email and reply to it. Say "I've been thinking a lot about what you said. Obviously there is no affair but you are right that this marriage is over. Thank you for seeing that so clearly. Let's discuss how we separate. "

He’s mentioning that after a minor disagreement he is so angry with you he can’t speak to you or he near you for a week. That’s not normal. Nobody needs a week to cool down after a trivial argument. Have you ever thought of him of having a lot of aggression or a volatile temper?

It is psychologically abusive and so awful. DH's parents used to do it to him as a teenager over really minor things they would deem he had done wrong. He would arrive home to have them blank him and not speak to him, his younger brother would also join in on the silent treatment. Dh was very well behaved teenager but any little thing they would find. They are now estranged and wonder why!

Find this email and reply to it. Say "I've been thinking a lot about what you said. Obviously there is no affair but you are right that this marriage is over. Thank you for seeing that so clearly. Let's discuss how we separate. "

Genius.

OP, he sounds so utterly horrible. He’s making you miserable. He’s failing to be a supportive father and husband. He needs counselling to get to the bottom of why he’s behaving so apallingly or you need to start planning a way out of this.

Haven't RTFT, but my dad was like this when I was a kid - the longest he stopped talking to all of us was three weeks. It was hideous. It was like constantly walking on eggshells, wondering if today was the day he'd deign speaking to us again. I'm pretty sure it played a huge part in why I ended up being such a people pleaser. I always swore I'd never end up with a sulker and thank god I haven't.

What your DH is doing is cruel and pathetic and it WILL be having a detrimental effect on your DC. Tell him you'll no longer tolerate him sulking for days on end and if he doesn't change, please seriously consider whether you want this for the rest of your life.

it’s not fair on them to disrupt their lives

but it's fair forcing them to live in this toxic environment? Children are more adaptable than you think.

At first you'll manage but then you'll thrive.

This self-righteous prick of a husband of yours won't bother with the kids as much as you expect once you leave, I bet you.

Can you get out and move to your family with your DC?
Don't tell him.
Just pack up what you need and get gone.
Do you have any family you could get to who would support you?
You must have learned to accept this behaviour from somewhere so I'm wondering about your parents?

@pallisers hits the nail on the head with their advice;

First of all I wouldn't apologise to someone who treated me like that.

Then if/when he gets over himself calmly sit him down and tell him the very next time he does that to you, you will leave him. That this is your way of dealing with it and it is up to you to decide if it is ok or not.

He holds so much fake power over you because you gave given it to him.

He holds the power to do this because you don't want to not have the children full time - do you really think that it's healthier for your children to grow up with him abandoning them and you like this? Do you really think that he wants sole charge of the children 50% or more of the time? Of course he doesn't, he's not at all interested in raising his kids, he abandons them for a week or more at a time, regularly!

You can't leave him because you don't have anybody to help with childcare - I've got news for you, you are already a single parent with the most flakey of childcare "help" going!

STOP giving him power over you. The sooner you realise that it is HIM who stands to lose (his emotional punchbag, his childcare, his children, his loving wife) and empower yourself to leave him if it suits you, the sooner the power dynamic shifts.

He says it is to protect himself. So he can feel safe

Please understand this - that this refers to his fragile, fragile ego. His ego is so delicate that he is talking about safety from having to face up to the reality that his behaviour is anything less than perfect. That HE is anything less than perfect. He will avoid ever truly considering that his behaviour is in any way bad or wrong, because his identity is too wrapped up in the need to always be right. That's narcissistic personality disorder - I'd bet my bottom dollar he is a narcissist on the purest clinical sense. If so then he cannot change from this. He can learn to pretend to change but he cannot physically ever have the introspection that is needed. Narcissists will destroy those around them - don't walk, RUN away from this. Learn grey rock technique.

Please speak to Woman's Aid it's incredibly sad that you don't realise how abusive he is towards you and how damaging it is for your DC living in the current environment,

There seems to be nothing healthy about your relationship.

Your kids will be more damaged by staying than leaving.

Tbh you keep making excuses why you have to stay and it's mostly because you have no family support and that you couldn't live without seeing the kids every day.

Take a step back and think how this environment WILL damage your children.

I know it's a different situation and I'm really sorry you are going through it.. but you don't have to keep allowing it.

I just can't begin to imagine how sad you must feel when he's giving you the silent treatment. It must be heartbreaking. And you have tried so so hard to talk to him, and reason with him, and make him understand what it's doing to you.
I am sad for you.
But I think you know it can't go on like this...

OP please listen to the people on this thread. Your dcs are growing up in an extremely dysfunctional environment.

It’s just a bit soul destroying, nasty and weird. I’d lost something a few weeks ago and he found it for me. I gave him a big hug and said thank you. Brilliant. Amazing. Thanks SO much. Yay...etc then he got arsey and said back “actually get down on your knees and say thank you”!!!

This made my blood run cold.

You're posting about these things - surely you're seeing that of course this is not normal or right, in any way?

OP I was part of a toxic, disfunctional relationship which included all types of emotional abuse, including both asking and shouting (nice). As I grew older I began to become aware of the poisonous dynamic, the patterns of abuse, the way we all went round and round again. For the longest time I felt that I could somehow fix it, if I could only find a form of words to get the others to recognize their role in the whole, I read books, I printed stuff off the internet and passed it on. It made no difference.

I'm talking about the relationship between my parents. I was where your children are now. That was my childhood. I dont want to go into details here of what eventually happened, just believe me that it did not end well, especially for my little brother who never really escaped.

Do NOT do this to your children. Just don't.

sulking and shouting

Despite him being (in my opinion) an abusive arse, is he ever nice to you, a pleasant person to live with, do you feel confident that he actually likes you?
Does he always have to have the upper hand like this.
He sounds a thoroughly unpleasant person, please stop wasting your life with him.

My mother used to do this. She wouldn't keep it up as long as a week, but two or three days wasn't unusual. It was incredibly damaging long term for me and my siblings. Every single one of us has struggled with mental health and/or self esteem issues. All of us have ended up with abusive partners at one point (or one abusive partner after another for decades in my sister's case). She still tries to do it now and expects us to play 'guess what's offended Mum this time'.

If your DH is like this with you over a silly, minor falling out, what will he be like when your DC are challenging teenagers? When they don't tiptoe around to avoid offending him, or outright try to push his buttons to wind him up? He'll treat them abusively too.

This is abuse, it is unacceptable and if he won't or can't stop you need to divorce him, sadly.

This makes chilling reading.
The advice is NEVER to go for counselling with an abuser, as it will all get turned on you.
Likewise sitting down and discussing it will only work with reasonable people, and this DH of yours is a long way away from reasonable.
You need to get yourself and your DCs away from him, but prepare carefully and stealthily. MN cites Womens' Aid as a good resource for help.
Yes, the transition period will be unconfortable, but think how happy you will be to be away from this ever-present anxiety. The DCs will thank you for it sooner or later.
Please listen to the advice from PPs, they've seen this a lot.
This is abuse
This is abuse
This is abuse

You don't have to leave. Call 101, explain everything that's happened and say you want him to leave and thre police will escort him off the premises. Make him leave your home.
This is emotional abuse, of you and your children. He's also gas lighting you into questioning your own feelings and self worth.
Get this man out if your home and away from your children, you really really can't bring them up in this atmosphere and allow this man to do this to them

Of course he says you're the one who is bullying him & he needs to protect himself - it's a major weapon in his arsenal of how he has successfully abused & controlled you for so long! Note how he's allowed to abuse you & still have the moral high ground, but you can't even have an emotion he doesn't like, especially emotions that are a direct response from his abuse, without him punishing you for it?

I understand it can seem impossible to leave & so frightening, & the thought of not having your children 100% of the time is heartbreaking, but please look at the options available to you, contact women's help groups, talk to your parents. Every time this man behaves this way he is damaging you & he is damaging your children, teaching them that this behavior is acceptable, either for them to behave this way, or to accept this kind of treatment for themselves. I'm not in the UK & am not sure of the laws, but this kind of silent treatment IS domestic abuse & has been legally recognized as such. If you talk to the police or to a women's group, they should be able to advise you, help you, maybe get any post divorce contact he has with them minimized or supervised. Find out what options are available to you before settling with this man out of fear or helplessness.

He’s a total utter prick. Unforgivable behaviour.