to think the silent treatment is cruel?

[probablysue]

I’d like some opinions on this please.
AIBU in asking my DH to stop giving me the cold shoulder/silent treatment every time we argue? His view is that it’s his way of dealing and it’s down to him to decide if that’s ok or not and it’s not punishment but my view is different. Ok to take a few hours out, a day but his silent treatments are lasting up to a week in length. During that time he checks out of childcare and it’s impossible to live life normally. He walks out of a room when I walk in etc. Even if I apologise and I have to email that because I can’t physically talk to him, it still doesn’t end the cold shouldering. My view is that people argue, you don’t always agree but you carry on living while you discuss your issues. He completely shuts himself away. No sleeping together. No touching. Nothing. How on earth am I supposed to deal with it? It leads to no conflict resolution although if it’s him being snappy/argue starting then I’ll accept his apology and hug it out and we move on with our day. I believe the silent treatment is punishment, he disagrees and says it’s self protection. AIBU?

Well done, OP. Let your kids be abused because you won't take proper action. Genius.

Everybody abandon the thread as she won't do anything to help herself and the children.

Your responses about possibly ending your marriage and sharing custody "I can't be without my babies" doesn't sound what's best for the children-unfortunately being brought up in a household with an emotionally abusive father will have consequences it's just what can make it less impactful? Living with their father part time or full time because soon he will be turning his abusive tactics to your children. You have to protect them not just yourself. Call his bluff and get a lawyer

@Trunkysaurus

Did you expect OP to rush out of her house with her children the moment Mumsnet said he is abusive? I'm sure the news hasn't come as a complete shock, but everyone needs processing time.

Practical things need doing, she can't just up and leave.

I think you should leave the thread if that is all the support you offer someone in a time of need. You are not helpful.

@Trunkysaurus
Nice aggressive post there. Absolutely not helpful & don't call for others to abandon the thread just because there's not enough immediate action for you.
This is about someone's actual life.

Yep it took me 5 years to leave DH who game me DH. It’s not easy at all. But it will be the best possible thing to leave. He will never change.

*silent treatment not DH

Please try and do the freedom program - and one thing that you are told is you don't tell anyone to leave, unless an emergency it is important to do it properly as when someone leaves an abuser usually the abuse ramps up and the time that you leave is a very dangerous time.

Ex was a sulky arsehole, mostly it was for a few hours, but when he did it for 10 days once, things had got to a point where actually it was wonderful, I carried on much happier than when he was talking to me, and you know he really hated that he was not making the impact he intended, he never did it again and eventually, he left.

Please don't do couples counselling with an abusive man, get therapy yourself and get an outside professional's insight on your situation. . I get that you don't want to have custody battles [and maintenance ] but it can't be any worse than it is now. It will get worse too if you stay. Why the * can't you have a gift from a male friend? One thing I learned too late about abusers is when they accuse you of something it is often projection, ex used to cause me of infidelity but in fact, he'd been serially unfaithful all our marriage. As I subsequently learnt. It was a way of deflecting attention from what he was doing. I'd not suspect him if he made it clear how he disapproved of infidelity I think was the reasoning behind it.

Eventually you need to leave.

Meanwhile I suggest you stop rewarding his behaviour with attention and apologies.

Ignore him and try to get on with things and life.

Stop apologising for things unless you genuinely mean it.

Stop analysing yourself and your behaviours and trying to fix yourself. You cant, you're not the one that's broken.

So what do I do when he starts the silence/withdrawal*?
*
You leave him, OP, because that's abuse and you and your kids deserve better. What a shocking example to the children, he should be ashamed.

@Trunkysaurus Do you not think OP might need more than 24 hours to go from initially posting to getting her head round this situation to then making a life-changing decision? This isn’t a soap opera you can fast forward through because it’s not going at the pace you want it to - it’s someone’s life. You should be utterly ashamed of yourself for taking it upon yourself to instruct people to stop offering support.

@Trunkysaurus really??? I'm hoping everyone ignores your utter ridiculous and awful post!

Should OP have moved on completely by now, really??

Trunky is a man
A daft one at that

I've had this happen about 4 times for a few hours. I told him , I front of some friends, it was childish , pathetic and actually abusive. I said if it happened again I would leave ( after 25 years )
Not happened for a year. If it does I will go , easier said than done for some, I know.

Op - I have lived this is is mental and emotional abuse.

You cannot fix him, or it.

Only focus on your own actions and reactions and think about a life free is this bullying twat.

I cried my eyes out yesterday 4 years on from when I left, because I'm now in a long term relationship where conflict resolution and hugging, bed sharing and basic kindness are the norm.

If I'd stayed with him I'd never have known it was possible.

Pm me if you want any practical or emotional support about leaving.

Bloody well done @Maladymaker it's not always easy though is it, as I'm sure you appreciate

OP How are things going?
I saw this online and thought of you.

In the opening paragraph is a mention of a clinical psychologist who identifies silent treatment as a form of manipulative punishment.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Silent_treatment

I left a silent sulker. Its cruel and childish.

He is abusive.

He is making you think his behaviour is ok.

He is teaching your dc this is an ok day to treat people or be treated.

He will do this to your dc too.

Do whatever you need to to get away. Move back to your family. It is less damaging to move your dc than to bring them up in an abusive household.

This is him, not you.

It's really emotionally abusive silent treatment behaviour and don't let him convince you otherwise. I'm sorry op

Oh yes he will likely do it to the children as they get older. I've had this happen as an older child growing up