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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think the silent treatment is cruel?

245 replies

probablysue · 04/03/2020 13:51

I’d like some opinions on this please.
AIBU in asking my DH to stop giving me the cold shoulder/silent treatment every time we argue? His view is that it’s his way of dealing and it’s down to him to decide if that’s ok or not and it’s not punishment but my view is different. Ok to take a few hours out, a day but his silent treatments are lasting up to a week in length. During that time he checks out of childcare and it’s impossible to live life normally. He walks out of a room when I walk in etc. Even if I apologise and I have to email that because I can’t physically talk to him, it still doesn’t end the cold shouldering. My view is that people argue, you don’t always agree but you carry on living while you discuss your issues. He completely shuts himself away. No sleeping together. No touching. Nothing. How on earth am I supposed to deal with it? It leads to no conflict resolution although if it’s him being snappy/argue starting then I’ll accept his apology and hug it out and we move on with our day. I believe the silent treatment is punishment, he disagrees and says it’s self protection. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
probablysue · 04/03/2020 14:25

He’s saying that he has to withdraw because I’m unreasonable in getting cross in the first place. Yes sometimes I get cross. As does he. We have small kids, life is stressful and I’m not perfect. But I always apologise if I’m in the wrong. Sometimes I even apologise when I’m not in the wrong! It’s also surely ok to agree to disagree sometimes. It’s not ok to withdraw for an entire weekend or a whole week though is it?

OP posts:
AmICrazyorWhat2 · 04/03/2020 14:26

Re. It's up to him. Well, you can let him know that if he chooses to continue behaving this way, it'll be your choice to dump him.

You both have choices!

Original poster
probablysue · 04/03/2020 14:26

@InfiniteSheldon how did you work through it?

OP posts:
LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 04/03/2020 14:26

To give you the other side, before reading on mn that it's abusive, I would give DH the silent treatment if upset. It was my way of expressing he had hurt or annoyed me without shouting or getting into a personal attack. I try not to now but I find it hard. I feel like there should be consequences of some kind if you upset someone. Talking then getting an apology seems like an easy route. I worry dh gets into a pattern of doing annoying things and taking 'the hit' of having to listen to me for ten minutes. If I withdraw from the relationship for a day by being quiet it makes him suffer as I feel I'm suffering iyswim

TopShelf · 04/03/2020 14:26

It's passive aggressive abuse and it messes with your mental
well being.

My ex used to do this, from a psychologist I read that in his experience
the only thing that might work is telling him that he either stops or the marriage
is over.

My ex did get better when I told my mother, in front of him, what he did.

She asked him why he expected me to put up with it - he gave an
embarrassed laugh but he never did it again.

I don't think it's one of those traits you can be subtle about, you have to
lay it on the line.

Grumpos · 04/03/2020 14:27

Sorry but stonewalling is abuse.
It’s a very purposeful, tactical punishment, designed to inflict as much insecurity, anguish and pain as possible. It means that he will always win an argument, you will always give in and try to smooth things over, apologising when you shouldn’t need to etc.

It is incredibly manipulative what he is doing. And he’s not even doing it just to you - withdrawing from family life and childcare etc affects the family not just your relationship.

Whilst we are all entitled to take time to process our thoughts and feelings and sometimes that might take a few days or more, we aren’t entitled to treat others with complete contempt whilst we do it.

He is completely unreasonable to go to these lengths. Is this how you want to raise your kids and live your life? I’d be laying down a ultimatum - get therapy to work out why you go to such extreme lengths to punish the people who love you or leave.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 04/03/2020 14:27

I know how pretty this all sounds of course.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 04/03/2020 14:27

*petty

HollowTalk · 04/03/2020 14:29

You know it's abusive, OP. There are a million articles about it online. Do you want this for the rest of your life? People who use that as a weapon don't change.

Avocadohips · 04/03/2020 14:29

You get to say what the effect on you feels like.

He gets to say whether or not he chooses to continue to perform that behaviour.

It's all on his terms isn't it? At the moment;

He gets to call it taking time out and not manipulative arsehole sulking/punishment.

He gets to say if he's allowed to carry on doing it and can't be called out on it.

He gets to end the silence when it suits him.

He gets to opt out of childcare.

He gets the "conflict resolution" method of his choice not yours.

He gets to control the atmosphere (which the children will be aware of and they'll be learning how to walk on eggshells).

..... shouldn't marriage be a partnership? Shouldn't two adults who are married to one another, who have a disagreement, be able to talk it through? Shouldn't they be able to exist civilly in the same room together?

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 04/03/2020 14:30

Have you ever just left him to it and not tried to resolve things?

I'd totally ignore the bastard as long as it took, and then I'd serve him with divorce papers.

Please don't chase him.

Alicenwonderland · 04/03/2020 14:31

It's listed as a method abusers use to control you. It's horrible and in no way okay.

Original poster
probablysue · 04/03/2020 14:31

Thanks everyone. I’m reading with interest

OP posts:
AmICrazyorWhat2 · 04/03/2020 14:33

@LoisWilkersonsLastNerve

I don't think punishment is part of a happy relationship, though. I prefer to tell my DH how much X has upset me and that I really don't want it to happen again. Then we move on. He does the same with me.

I respect him enough to not deliberately repeat something that's upset him, even if I personally don't think it was a big deal! I believe he respects me too - at least, his behaviour suggests that.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 04/03/2020 14:33

Explain to him it's abusive and why, if he has any decency he will stop. If he doesn't then it's not up to you to fix him.

Grumpos · 04/03/2020 14:34

@LoisWilkersonsLastNerve
Do you completely withdraw for up to a week though? Sleep in another room, refuse to help with childcare etc?
Withdrawing and maybe having a day or two of reflection is fair enough but choosing to continue an argument because you don’t feel it’s “enough” doesn’t seem fair.
We all deal with things differently but ignoring someone to punish them for their apparent “wrong doing” is on the abuse spectrum surely? You’re choosing to hurt them further outside of the space of the original argument / discussion

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 04/03/2020 14:34

Well put, @Grumpos.

pallisers · 04/03/2020 14:35

First of all I wouldn't apologise to someone who treated me like that.

Then if/when he gets over himself calmly sit him down and tell him the very next time he does that to you, you will leave him. That this is your way of dealing with it and it is up to you to decide if it is ok or not.

He does this because he is a complete shit. He continues to do it because he is getting the result he wants - you running around after him apologising and looking for his attention and as an added bonus he has no parental responsibilities for the week (a week! how on earth have you not dumped him before this??)

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 04/03/2020 14:35

amicrazy that's a good point, it shouldn't be about punishment. We get on so much better now, I try to be more open and honest rather than withholding.

Avocadohips · 04/03/2020 14:36

Ultimately, if he won't change you get to decide if you want to continue to live with a man child who sulks at the slightest thing. I couldn't.

Original poster
probablysue · 04/03/2020 14:36

@AmICrazyorWhat2 what happens if your husband disagrees with your reasons for being upset? He doesn’t think you have a right to be angry over whatever it is? Would you then just discuss it and still then move on? My husband becomes furious in this situation because I’m “blaming” or “accusing”. So how do I express whatever it is that’s hurt me or upset me without him responding with the extended silent treatment because I haven’t got a right to whatever feelings I’ve got?

OP posts:
Sarah510 · 04/03/2020 14:38

One of the reasons "d"h is now ex-dh. It is soul destroying.

It ate away at my confidence and self-esteem to the point where I would avoid an argument at any cost. Though towards the end I used to start looking forward to the silences. I got used to getting on with own stuff, and talking to friends and family more, and taking dc's out. It's so toxic though.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 04/03/2020 14:38

grumps No, a day or two at most and I still do all the usual things, make coffee, answer texts etc hoping op's husband might reflect as I have. He sounds much more aggressive about it thoughSad

Ponoka7 · 04/03/2020 14:38

You're in an emotionally abusive relationship, which escalates to verbal (via email) if challenged.

This damages your self esteem and you learn to accept more abuse and to not fight back.

You're children are living with the same.

It should be a reason to end things.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 04/03/2020 14:39

@LoisWilkersonsLastNerve Relationships are hard work sometimes, we're all muddling along trying to make everything work. Grin Glad things are better with you now!