to think the silent treatment is cruel?

[probablysue]

I’d like some opinions on this please.
AIBU in asking my DH to stop giving me the cold shoulder/silent treatment every time we argue? His view is that it’s his way of dealing and it’s down to him to decide if that’s ok or not and it’s not punishment but my view is different. Ok to take a few hours out, a day but his silent treatments are lasting up to a week in length. During that time he checks out of childcare and it’s impossible to live life normally. He walks out of a room when I walk in etc. Even if I apologise and I have to email that because I can’t physically talk to him, it still doesn’t end the cold shouldering. My view is that people argue, you don’t always agree but you carry on living while you discuss your issues. He completely shuts himself away. No sleeping together. No touching. Nothing. How on earth am I supposed to deal with it? It leads to no conflict resolution although if it’s him being snappy/argue starting then I’ll accept his apology and hug it out and we move on with our day. I believe the silent treatment is punishment, he disagrees and says it’s self protection. AIBU?

He sounds immature. Tell him ParsleyPot says grow up a bit.

I'd say it sounds downright abusive, myself. Particularly that he abdicates his parenting responsibilities during his prolonged sulk. What kind of an example is that to set to your children?

He’s being a controlling arse and trying to teach you not to argue with him. No grown adult needs to ignore someone who disagrees with them for a week for self protection.

I couldn’t tolerate a day of it, let alone a week. Change the locks when he goes out and then he’ll have to speak to you!

It's abusive! Suffered with this as a child. What happens when he does it to the children?

The silent treatment is the most frustrating, nasty shit to deal with.

To resolve a conflict, you both state your opinions/reasons/points/whatever and then you need to compromise. Failing to understand this is a deal breaker. Not speaking for a week to protect oneself? Anyone would think he'd witnessed a mass murder. What a cunt.

I agree it’s controlling. What on earth could be causing him to need so long to process something? What’s he protecting himself from? What are you arguing about that’s so impactful?

That's controlling abusive behaviour, and yes it's very cruel. Also cruel for your kids to grow up thinking its normal. Please contact womens aid for help and info

It's controlling and abusive. It's sufficient grounds for divorce. You have to draw a line, because people like this don't stop unless they are made to. So tell him you will not put up with it. When he does it again, divorce the fucker.

Well that’s the thing @herocomplex it can be anything. This last time I got stroppy over something silly. That happens sometimes! I apologised but it goes on and on. He’d got stroppy with me over something silly a few days previously. Apologised a few hours later. Hugs and done but it’s not the same situation in reverse. I find it unfair and the longer the silent treatment/no resolution goes on, the more down, upset I get because I’m trying to keep the kids going and myself and I then start chasing him to try and resolve. What do you do if somebody won’t accept an apology but expects the same if it’s them?

Particularly that he abdicates his parenting responsibilities during his prolonged sulk. What kind of an example is that to set to your children?

You see how damaging this is right? I mean seriously. For you and the children.

So what do I do when he starts the silence/withdrawal? Exactly what do I do? Approaching him doesn’t work. I’ve tried emailing my opinion/thoughts but that just results in vitriol and responses that I’m bullying or accusing. It’s such emotive language.

It's abuse! He's teaching you not to argue with him in the first place

Leaving eachother alone for a few hours, or whatnot Is normal, weeks on end of ignoring you, having you tread on eggshells to know what to do is abuse. X

What do people think about his view that it’s up to him if he withdraws or not and that it’s not punishment? Surely I get to say if it’s punishment or not?

Op you file for divorce..
It solves this abuse most effectively.

It is abuse.

I'd leave. I really would. Its not easy to just up and leave I get that but I'd certainly use the time I'm in Coventry to plan it. Take back a bit of control.

and then I end up chasing trying to fix the marriage and resolve when for example, the last week long silence was because a long term male friend (many many years) had given me an inexpensive funny gift

My dh stopped doing this when I started to enjoy the peace and quiet, being able to watch what I wanted and not having to cook etc. He struggles with emotions and takes time to process things and that's fine but using silence as punishment is not. Its taken us a good few years but it no longer happens, in my case I am very glad we worked through it.

I'd tell him you're off to see a solicitor and that the silent treatment is usually administered by covert narcissists.
It's also a solid reason for divorce on the grounds of mental cruelty. His behaviour falls within the coercive control legislation and the police will arrest him once you disclose.

My ex used to do this to me. It's the worst type of emotional torture. You don't gave to pit up with it. Make sure your kids know this isn't a way to treat people or expect to be treated

Its abuse. A couple of hours to calm down is one thing, but days and days? Either hed go speak to a counselor with a view of developing a healthier response to conflict or I'd see a solicitor personally.

It’s abuse. The silent treatment is abuse.

I endured it as a child, it’s so, so damaging.

I would suggest marriage counselling for you both and if your DH still refuses to deal with disagreements in a healthy way then I would leave, because it won’t stop.

Where is your limit OP. Do you still want to be dealing with this 5, 10, 20 years down the line?

See it for what it is, OP, emotional abuse. I agree with a PP that a hour of grumpy silence and avoiding each other is normal (certainly happens in our house, I can't stand the sight of DH sometimes) but this is ridiculous.

I think you need to confront it head on. Sit him down and tell him that this behaviour can't continue and that if he doesn't change, your relationship will be in jeopardy.

i know that sounds extreme, but he needs to be shocked out of it, IMO. My DH once sat me down and told me that my behaviour needed to change or we'd be over (not controlling my temper was my issue ) and I knew he meant it. I did change, because I didn't want to lose him, and I'm glad I did. That was several years ago and we're much happier now. Good luck.

Taking a few hours out to calm down or think things through is fine. Even saying you dont want to discuss it til you've slept on it (I always feel a lot more calm about most situations the next morning). But a whole week is punishment territory.

Someone who needs a number of days of complete isolation to get over something either has limited mental capacity to process what has happened, or has something else going on eg the argument was traumatic or involved physical violence or triggered memories of past traumas. If none of this applies and he is mentally competent and healthy and has no wider issues, then it must be designed to punish you. At the very least he is completely dismissing the effect on you - so he 'protects himself' at the expense of your mental health. Surely he can see that sleeping somewhere else in response to a snappy comment is over the top?

Worse than his treatment of you though is his treatment of his own children. So you disagree on something and he takes it out on your children for days at a time rather than be an adult about it and confront it? This is disgusting behaviour. He needs to find a way of resolving conflict with you that doesnt involve stopping being a parent. This would be non negotiable for me