Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my parents going to my ex's wedding

233 replies

TequilaMonster · 04/03/2020 12:46

Hi,

A bit of background- ex and I broke up for 7 years ago. We have a teenage DC together, so obviously have regular contact. I'm married and obviously, he's about to be.

The split was messy, but soon amicable, purely for the sake of our DC, but it's been tough.

We had a very volatile relationship. Argued a lot and I don't think either of us respected the other. Ex was often very aggressive towards me and would quite regularly scream and shout in my face. My parents witnessed some of this and even had to intervene at times.

He has some good qualities, yes, but they know he didn't treat me well and to be perfectly honest, hasn't been the best dad either.

Really struggled to get CM out of him for the first couple of years, even though he was taking gf number 103 on swanky holidays and buying himself designer clothes. He would quite often call me on the one day he had DC and ask if he could bring them back early, because he's run out of things to do 🙄 And sometimes would turn up to collect DC with a hangover/still drunk and I'd have to turn him away. They know all this. I was living with them at the time.

Anyway, he still lives quite close to my parents and will sometimes do work for them round the house- he's a builder. Not only that, but my dad will go out for the occasional pint with him (doesn't ask my now DP who treats me 100 times better)and my mum insists on talking about him in front of my DP, at length, as though he's part of the family. Of course he's DC's dad, but that's it.

So to cut a very long story slightly less long, he's sent them a wedding invitation and they've accepted.

I'm very uncomfortable with this, as you'd think they would be! I don't know why they have so much loyalty for him. My dad had to pull him off from me once!

They know I think them going is inappropriate, but we haven't had the full blown conversation yet. I've been told by another family member fo expect my mum not to budge on her decision and it's making me really angry.

Also, I very much doubt his soon to be wife, will want his ex's parents there!

Thoughts please? I'm preparing myself for the awkward conversation, so opinions and advice very much welcome.

TIA

OP posts:
sunfloweryy · 04/03/2020 12:49

This is very bizarre and I would be mightily pissed off as well.

You obviously can’t stop them seeing him even though it’s odd that they would want to when he treated you like crap, but this is a step further and I would question their loyalties.

Dontdisturbmenow · 04/03/2020 12:51

Why are you making it about you? You're an adult, opted to separate and move on. They have remained in touch with him and like him. It is totally their choice to go to his wedding if they do wish.

You can ask that they don't talk about him though when you come to visit.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 04/03/2020 12:52

I would be put out but I think it has to be their choice. You can tell them what you thing but if they decide to go just blank out any info about it and pretend its not happening

Laurendelight · 04/03/2020 12:52

I would find this incredibly hurtful and I would question them as to where their loyalties lie.

Are they taking your DC to the wedding? Is that what they think is happening?

To be honest I would have it out with them and tell them that you expect their support and getting a violent ex to do their odd jobs and accepting a wedding invite shows you that they prefer him and are minimising what he did. If they can’t respect your wishes then do you really want to be visiting them and playing happy families?

Nanny0gg · 04/03/2020 12:55

Are they going because of the DC?

I must admit that if someone had treated me badly enough for them to intervene my DF would not be going out for drinks with them, let alone attending his wedding!

Original poster
TequilaMonster · 04/03/2020 12:56

@Dontdisturbmenow, of course I can't physically stop them and if he had always treated me nicely and been a good dad to their grandchild, but I just felt weird about it, then yes, I would be being unreasonable, but everything I've written in my OP they know about and that's just a snap shot.

OP posts:
heartsonacake · 04/03/2020 13:00

YABU. All that backstory is irrelevant and this is nothing to do with you. He’s your ex.

They are clearly still amicable with him and might even still be friends. There’s nothing wrong with that; they’re not doing a disservice to you.

Your relationship with your ex is different to their relationship with him. You’re not a child; stop trying to control who they spend time with.

MrsBeeluga · 04/03/2020 13:00

I think this is very disloyal. I would find it hard to accept and would probably lower contact. Exh was abusive to you, doesn't that mean anything to them?

TheYearOfTheDog · 04/03/2020 13:01

Why are your parents going to the wedding of a man who was verbally aggressive to you? Why do they want to go to the wedding of the man who made it difficult for you to get maintenance?

I have been in a similar situation, I left an abusive man. And although my parents argued with me at times and it was hard in some ways, they always knew what was best for me whehter they did or they didn't, they 100% had my back and only tolerated the bear minimum amount of contact required with my x to arrange handovers etc.

They certainly wouldn't have mixed with him socially, willingly.

If they had done that I would have seen that as a complete betrayal and I would have been so hurt because it would have been like the script had been re-written. Afterall, if your parents are going to his wedding then he can't really have been aggressive or a deadbeat with the maintenance? It must have been you that was unreasonable. .... and that is the image he wants to present. I am so reasonable that my x in laws are coming to my wedding to my new wife.

@TequilaMonster you are NOT being unreasonable to be upset about this. I think your parents' priorities are strange. What is their motivation for going to his wedding? Why do they care more about keeping him sweet than they do about causing you a great deal of pain, awkwardness and disloyalty.

xx Wine fuck me, you need another one Wine

Whichoneofyoudidthat · 04/03/2020 13:01

It never takes long for someone to say ‘well it’s THEIR decision’. Well yeah. No one is suggesting otherwise.

It’s a very strange and disloyal decision! I’m with you, OP

user1423578854468 · 04/03/2020 13:02

He's a domestic abuser and they want to go to his wedding?

Original poster
TequilaMonster · 04/03/2020 13:02

They don't need to go for our DC. They have other grandparents who can keep an eye on them and they're not really little anyway.

OP posts:
TheYearOfTheDog · 04/03/2020 13:05

It's like a form of gaslighting.

Have they not taken on board the actual facts?
Do they not care?
Have they acknowledged that their attendance is a betrayal of what you went through? Have they offered up any justification for their decision to attend?

OP, sorry for all of the questions but even without my parents going behind my back to re-write history to suit my x who would happily have gaslit me in this manner if my parents had been stupid, it took me about 5-7 years to get over the relationship and thrive as megs would say :-p

I second the advice to go really low contact, grey rock with your parents.

What does your new husband think? I hope he has your back?
Is he shocked your parents would do this to you!?

potter5 · 04/03/2020 13:05

Simply because he was violent to you. That's why they shouldn't go.

However it is their decision and you can't influence them.

choli · 04/03/2020 13:05

This is not about you.

Original poster
TequilaMonster · 04/03/2020 13:07

@heartsonacake, the backstory is irrelevant? Really?! So anything could have happened, but because I'm an adult, I should just suck it up and not feel hurt?

OP posts:
MrsBeeluga · 04/03/2020 13:08

Of course it's about the op. What her parents are signaling is hurtful and minimizing.

Nomorepies · 04/03/2020 13:08

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

aSofaNearYou · 04/03/2020 13:09

I wouldn't be surprised that they are going to the wedding given how much they still have to do with him, but tbh I think that's quite disgraceful given he has been aggressive towards you. They are your parents, what the hell are they thinking?

I can empathise as my partner's parents are similar with his ex despite knowing the problems she has caused him and continues to cause him, and it has created no end of problems and upset. I also agree with you that if I were your ex's fiance I wouldn't be thrilled about them being there, but that's by the by.

If my parents made a point of remaining close friends with an ex that was physically aggressive towards me along with generally treating me like crap, felt no remorse and deliberately alienated me and my subseqeuent partner in his honour, then I would probably go NC with them.

TheYearOfTheDog · 04/03/2020 13:09

@heartsonacake that's such a ridiculous response. I know you think its mature but it's not. People do owe loyalty to those they love. Parents owe it to their children not to got to the wedding of their daughter's x abuser.

People should stand up for what's right. Few do. Few rock the boat. But parents should definitely consider it worth rocking the boat for their own child.

He's not their boss or their neighbour or a relative. Taking a stand and declining a wedding invitation is the right thing to do in this situation.

MashedPotatoBrainz · 04/03/2020 13:11

YANBU If any man laid a finger on my DD he'd never darken my doorstep again. My first loyalty would be to her, always.

Windyatthebeach · 04/03/2020 13:11

In their dotage they can ring Golden Boy then cant they?
Can't imagine being able to continue to see them personally..
I appreciate I am very black and white..

heartsonacake · 04/03/2020 13:11

the backstory is irrelevant? Really?! So anything could have happened, but because I'm an adult, I should just suck it up and not feel hurt?

I never said your feelings were wrong. You can feel as hurt as you want. You shouldn’t be trying to control others with your hurt emotions however; that’s the line.

You being hurt shouldn’t stop other people doing what they feel they want to do.

TheYearOfTheDog · 04/03/2020 13:13

@aSofaNearYou This is a different lens.... but still. Part of the reason this man wants his x in laws at the wedding no doubt is to support his script as truth. ''I tried to reason with her!'', and ''she was always upset over very little'', ''she was very sensitive and dramatic''. ''Her parents know exactly what she's like''.. "'her parents know what I went through'' ''Her parents and I are on good terms''.

The last point on earth that is relevant here is how the new bride feels about her groom's x in-laws attending the wedding.

I feel sorry for her because their attendance would lend weight to all of the times he has portrayed himself as the calm, sane, reasonable one who just wanted harmony.

I feel sorry for the new bride of the OP's xh because his x in laws attending his wedding is like Tipp-exing over red flags.

Babytigerrr · 04/03/2020 13:13

YANBU at all. Its like theyve forgotten what an arsehole he was! I would be angry too, OP.

Similarly, DP's parents are friendly with his ex who is batshit, restricted contact with DSS for ages, did DP out of literal thousands, and is still 8 years on a spiteful horrible cow. I can well imagine they would go to her wedding.

I think DP would excommunicate them to be honest. I know thats probably not what you want to do here, but it would cross a massive line for me.

Swipe left for the next trending thread