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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my parents going to my ex's wedding

233 replies

TequilaMonster · 04/03/2020 12:46

Hi,

A bit of background- ex and I broke up for 7 years ago. We have a teenage DC together, so obviously have regular contact. I'm married and obviously, he's about to be.

The split was messy, but soon amicable, purely for the sake of our DC, but it's been tough.

We had a very volatile relationship. Argued a lot and I don't think either of us respected the other. Ex was often very aggressive towards me and would quite regularly scream and shout in my face. My parents witnessed some of this and even had to intervene at times.

He has some good qualities, yes, but they know he didn't treat me well and to be perfectly honest, hasn't been the best dad either.

Really struggled to get CM out of him for the first couple of years, even though he was taking gf number 103 on swanky holidays and buying himself designer clothes. He would quite often call me on the one day he had DC and ask if he could bring them back early, because he's run out of things to do 🙄 And sometimes would turn up to collect DC with a hangover/still drunk and I'd have to turn him away. They know all this. I was living with them at the time.

Anyway, he still lives quite close to my parents and will sometimes do work for them round the house- he's a builder. Not only that, but my dad will go out for the occasional pint with him (doesn't ask my now DP who treats me 100 times better)and my mum insists on talking about him in front of my DP, at length, as though he's part of the family. Of course he's DC's dad, but that's it.

So to cut a very long story slightly less long, he's sent them a wedding invitation and they've accepted.

I'm very uncomfortable with this, as you'd think they would be! I don't know why they have so much loyalty for him. My dad had to pull him off from me once!

They know I think them going is inappropriate, but we haven't had the full blown conversation yet. I've been told by another family member fo expect my mum not to budge on her decision and it's making me really angry.

Also, I very much doubt his soon to be wife, will want his ex's parents there!

Thoughts please? I'm preparing myself for the awkward conversation, so opinions and advice very much welcome.

TIA

OP posts:
DisappearingGirl · 04/03/2020 13:30

I think YANBU. I consider myself a very reasonable person and I would be hurt by this too! If it's any consolation, I guess it's because they still consider him a friend (rightly or wrongly), as opposed to trying to spite you. Still insensitive though.

I would probably try and tell them calmly that I'm not very happy and why - and then leave them to their decision. I'd try not to hold a massive grudge, but at the same time, it would colour my view towards them.

Abouttoblow · 04/03/2020 13:30

YANBU

My parents would struggle to even be civil to someone who treated me so badly, never mind go to their wedding or stay in regular touch with them. I realise there's not a lot you can do about it but you're not wrong to be hurt.

JaniceBattersby · 04/03/2020 13:35

I will always be 100% in my kids’ corner. It’s important they know that, whatever they do. It must be incredibly hurtful for you OP and YANBU.

You being hurt by it should be enough for them to decline.

Longdistance · 04/03/2020 13:35

Blimey, that’s like a slap in the face Sad

Nanny0gg · 04/03/2020 13:35

You being hurt shouldn’t stop other people doing what they feel they want to do.

It's the fact that they want to do it that's the problem!

They really shouldn't after he's treated their daughter badly. (and their DGC)

OhCaptain · 04/03/2020 13:38

I'd wonder at what sort of parents wanted to remain chummy with someone who'd had to be dragged off their daughter.

Of course you can't do anything about it. But honestly, what sort of man wants to sit and have pints with the man who abused his daughter??

These are questions I'd be asking them, OP. I really would.

Rabblemum · 04/03/2020 13:38

I feel your pain, your parents are being ignorant and disloyal. My ex was abusive and a raging drug addict, I had a quick look at his Facebook and he’d managed to give up drugs for two weeks and there were my old mates praising him. I went teetotal and was bringing up his two kids but nobody said anything. Abusers are crafty by nature and people can green, pity your parents. Ask them never to mention your ex or see them only when you have to.

elliemcx · 04/03/2020 13:42

I would find the whole thing very wierd and hurtful if i was you! I totally disagree with people who say YABU, they are your parents and should be loyal to you, not your abusive ex for God's sake!

AlternativePerspective · 04/03/2020 13:43

Is it possible they’re compartmentalising here?

So, they know what he was like as a partner to you, but now they associate with him in his own right iyswim, i.e. his doing building work for them etc. Do you come up in conversation do you know?

You’re not unreasonable to be upset, however I do wonder whether this is more a case of them having a separate relationship with him as someone in his own right rather than your ex, iyswim?

I wouldn’t be limiting contact with them, I would however have a conversation with them wrt how you feel, and give them a chance to explain.

Wetcarparkrain · 04/03/2020 13:43

YA def def def NBU. I would retreat from the relationship a bit.

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 04/03/2020 13:46

YANBU. They are condoning his abusive behavior to you by remaining friendly with him. I too would be furious with your parents.

GA2012 · 04/03/2020 13:47

YANBU. It’s good they get on with him I guess but no they should absolutely not go in my opinion.

It’s awkward for you of course. I’m not sure how awkward your parents are about it maybe they are too polite to decline? But how does his new wife to be feel about his ex in laws coming to the wedding? I’d be fuming!

pallisers · 04/03/2020 13:48

They are clearly still amicable with him and might even still be friends. There’s nothing wrong with that; they’re not doing a disservice to you.

Of course there is something wrong with staying friends with a man who treated your daughter so badly - wouldn't pay CM, had to be pulled off her? Come on - people should have standards when it comes to their friendships and parents should have some basic understanding of loyalty to their own daughter.

YANBU OP but I suspect your parents would enjoy the argument with you if you raise it with them. I would say nothing. If they raise it in front of you just say "I have no interest in hearing about ex. As you well know he treated me and the children very badly so why on earth do you think I want to hear about him". I'd also have your current partner say it to them if they start talking about him - just shut them down. They are awful.

HazelBite · 04/03/2020 13:49

You and your ex were obviously a bad fit.
You cannot, because of your history with this person dictate who your parents associate with, they obviously have a very different relationship with him to the one you had.
It's obviously not a problem with his wife to be, (I personally think that if anyone has a "beef" with this it should be her)
By now I would have thought you would feel indifferent to your EX you have obviously moved on and it really shouldn't be falling out with your Mum and Dad over this, it suggests to me that you "care" just a bit too much.

EverythingChanges321 · 04/03/2020 13:51

Selfish arseholes? They don’t want to lose access to their handyman?

I think they’re being massively unsupportive towards you by attending his wedding and in your shoes, I’d probably have limited contact for a while.

Neptunesgiraffe · 04/03/2020 13:51

I think their behaviour is odd and I'd be really upset if they were my parents. I'm sorry you're going through this. What's your relationship with your parents usually like?

OhCaptain · 04/03/2020 13:51

I would "care" too if my parents wanted to socialise with my abuser.

It's not about her ex. It's about what her ex did and her parents not giving a shit about it.

JemSynergy · 04/03/2020 13:52

I am surprised his new wife to be even wants his exes parents at the wedding?!

Intelinside57 · 04/03/2020 13:52

Have you told them how you feel about your friendship with him? I think I'd have to sit down with them regardless of the wedding and ask how they can be friendly with the man who treated you and your children so badly.

Jellybeansincognito · 04/03/2020 13:56

Yabu. None of this is about you.

Your parents are still amicable with your ex, that doesn’t mean they agree with how he was in your relationship or that how he has been afterwards with you is justified.

You’re making this all about you when in reality your parents are seeing the bigger picture and just being amicable with the other parent of their grandchildren.

The ‘girlfriend number 103’ or whatever number it was comment plus the comments about designer clothes etc just sound like jealousy by the way.
Why can’t they talk to you about him in front of your new partner? Is he 14 with serious jealousy issues?
Does he not understand that you’ve got a past with substantial history?
Can your parents only be amicable with your current partner?

probablysue · 04/03/2020 14:00

YANBU but if it was me, I’d suck it down and be OTT supportive about it. Reverse psychology.
He’s expecting a battle and to piss you off. It’s probably one of the reasons he’s done it! Right? It’s a bit of a weird thing to do. He’s deliberately showing off. Don’t play his game. I’d be all like “ah that’s lovely. Hope you have a nice time. Take some photos!” Smiley face. In front of him (the ex) I’d be all like “ah that’s lovely that you invited them. Great that we can all get along. Have a lovely day and hope this one lasts longer for you hahaha joking” the more bothered you are, the more power you give him. I’d even take my mother dress shopping but I’m passively stroppy like that.
Just think...it’s one day. You have a fab partner. Who gives a crap about his wedding. Not you. Water off a ducks back. Send them all off to his wedding, book yourself and your partner into a fab hotel with a big water bed/spa, get drunk and spend the day having lots of sex while toasting your lucky escape

OhGodWhatTheHellNow · 04/03/2020 14:00

This happened with my grandmother, she stayed super friendly with my DF during his and DM's bitter divorce. DM never forgave her, right up until she died, she clearly read it that her mother had preferred her husband to her daughter. I think DM was right. If you have to pick a side, you don't pick the one giving your child a hard time!

Isthistrueor · 04/03/2020 14:00

I find it strange but I do know people who are like this so it’s perfectly normal to some people. They have family parties where the ex wife and her new partner attend, it’s always utterly baffled me but they don’t seem to bat an eyelid.

Your parents obviously still think a lot of him for whatever reason.

Saladmakesmesad · 04/03/2020 14:01

He's using your parents to make himself look very reasonable to the next woman he's going to abuse. Them being there is SUCH an endorsement of him - it's like they even support him over you, so he can tell her that he was the good guy and the relationship breakdown was all your fault. I hope they feel proud of themselves being used to set the stage for his next violent relationship.

freeingNora · 04/03/2020 14:01

With parents like this it's easy to see how you got into an abusive marriage I'm sorry this is happening to you

I wouldn't comment or have a conversation that's just what he wants! bugger the lot of them I'd make sure he had the DC's for the whole weekend then turn my phone off n bugger off to spa with some friends ThanksWineGin