To not want my parents going to my ex's wedding

[TequilaMonster]

Hi,

A bit of background- ex and I broke up for 7 years ago. We have a teenage DC together, so obviously have regular contact. I'm married and obviously, he's about to be.

The split was messy, but soon amicable, purely for the sake of our DC, but it's been tough.

We had a very volatile relationship. Argued a lot and I don't think either of us respected the other. Ex was often very aggressive towards me and would quite regularly scream and shout in my face. My parents witnessed some of this and even had to intervene at times.

He has some good qualities, yes, but they know he didn't treat me well and to be perfectly honest, hasn't been the best dad either.

Really struggled to get CM out of him for the first couple of years, even though he was taking gf number 103 on swanky holidays and buying himself designer clothes. He would quite often call me on the one day he had DC and ask if he could bring them back early, because he's run out of things to do 🙄 And sometimes would turn up to collect DC with a hangover/still drunk and I'd have to turn him away. They know all this. I was living with them at the time.

Anyway, he still lives quite close to my parents and will sometimes do work for them round the house- he's a builder. Not only that, but my dad will go out for the occasional pint with him (doesn't ask my now DP who treats me 100 times better)and my mum insists on talking about him in front of my DP, at length, as though he's part of the family. Of course he's DC's dad, but that's it.

So to cut a very long story slightly less long, he's sent them a wedding invitation and they've accepted.

I'm very uncomfortable with this, as you'd think they would be! I don't know why they have so much loyalty for him. My dad had to pull him off from me once!

They know I think them going is inappropriate, but we haven't had the full blown conversation yet. I've been told by another family member fo expect my mum not to budge on her decision and it's making me really angry.

Also, I very much doubt his soon to be wife, will want his ex's parents there!

Thoughts please? I'm preparing myself for the awkward conversation, so opinions and advice very much welcome.

TIA

Some people seem to be extremely defensive of abusive men and their enablers. I can only imagine why...

You can't tell your parents what to do, but you do have a say in how your relationship with them works. Don't bring him up anymore, and change the subject when they do. Just reject all ex based content until they get the hint or you have a discussion.

Sorry @TequilaMonster so your siblings are laying low. Is this because your parents have form for being shitty with their dc or are they afraid of a family row?

Whatever you choose, you will be the one to live with it. As I have said previously, I would find it hard to maintain a 'closish' relationship with parents being so unsuportive. Perhaps (if you have the stamina) explain to your parents. If the outcome of talking is as expected, go lower contact.

"my dad will go out for the occasional pint with him (doesn't ask my now DP who treats me 100 times better)"
Your dad's an arsehole.

"my mum insists on talking about him in front of my DP, at length"
Your mum's an arsehole too.

Honestly, I am gobsmacked by your parents' behaviour. Being civil for the sake of their grandchildren is one thing, but this is way beyond that, isn't it?

Your parents are making it perfectly clear that this man who abused you is just fine and dandy in their eyes. To be blunt, they have picked a side OP, and it's not yours .

There is no way I'd be letting your mother continue this behaviour. @baubled suggested a way of dealing with that which I think I would try.
"I would also be nipping it in the bud when your mum mentions him in front of your new DH "oh are you talking about my ex H who dad had to pull off me again" "are you talking about my abusive ex H again?" "Oh yeah and the time where he chose not to pay a penny for the kids and would turn up drunk" follow it up with "I'm not sure we need to keep going on about him, especially in front of DH who is the complete opposite of all that" make her feel embarrassed as she should be absolutely ashamed of herself."

And I'd maybe have a ponder on points raised by other posters too:

@Cailleach1 "It almost perpetuates the abusive behaviour a little, keeping this sort of connection going through your parents. Even sabotaging / compromising /affecting your parents care and loyalty to you."

@TheYearOfTheDog "Part of the reason this man wants his x in laws at the wedding no doubt is to support his script as truth. ''I tried to reason with her!'', and ''she was always upset over very little'', ''she was very sensitive and dramatic''. ''Her parents know exactly what she's like''.. "'her parents know what I went through'' ''Her parents and I are on good terms''. ... I feel sorry for the new bride of the OP's xh because his x in laws attending his wedding is like Tipp-exing over red flags."

Both these points are about your ex's behaviours and motivations, but it's pretty low of your parents to be his accomplices. Personally, I'd have to be stepping back a bit from my parents if they continued to prioritise my ex over me.

At the same time, I think they're worried about taking sides, so it's more a "hmm I do get where you're coming from" sort of agreement.

Worried about taking sides? How can you be worried about taking sides when it's your daughter involved. I don't mean they should agree with you 100% on everything. But even if they disagree with you they shouldn't be making friends with someone you are so hurt by.

Is it really that they are worried about taking sides or that they are worried about losing their free carpentry?

I think it is OP's siblings avoiding to take sides.

Sorry @BoomBoomsCousin, it was a sibling who is not wanting to take sides.

Again. My sister is my sister. I may not agree if she is right but I would absolutely stand by her. Especially over an abusive Ex who screwed my niece or nephew over!!!

No excuse.

You deserve a better family.

Are thing clearer OP, can you talk it over with your dp? Atleast he knows your parents and the dynamics in your family.

My dad had to pull him off from me once!

Your ex assaulted you/attempted to assault you, in front of your parents and they’re mates with him? I’m not surprised you’re not happy. I’d be incredibly hurt and it would damage my relationship with them I think.

Tequila, you really do have to calmly speak to your parents and ask them why they are doing this. You say you are close to them therefore good communication is important. They must have thought about it and have reasons and you deserve to know what they are. Please do that, it will clear the air.

Wow, your Dad had to pull him off you once!
I would also recommend saying to yr parents that they cannot be his friend and still have your trust and respect.

Xx

You don’t sound jealous at all OP- I think your emotions about this are rational and understandable. I don’t think you can stop your parents doing what they plan to do though, and it may be a bit of a waste of your emotional energy to try. I suggest you either pointedly ignore the situation or clearly express your feelings to your parents, just so they know how you feel, but with no expectation that they’ll do anything differently.

Your parents get what they want out of this ongoing relationship with your ex H and that is why they continue it at your overall expense. I am not at all surprised that they are attending his wedding, this is really what such disordered of thinking people do.

Your parents own poor boundaries are again all too apparent here. My guess too is that your mother has seen a kindred spirit in your ex; she and he may actually be more alike than you think. Your father is her enabler and goes along with her out of want of a quiet life. He has also failed you abjectly as a parent too. I would have no compunction about pulling the plug on all contact with them going forwards.

@AttilaTheMeerkat, I think you may be right with the kindred spirit comment.

My mum has been very vocal about his faults, but I think there is some kind of relatable aspect there too. I think she's always felt sorry for him in a way, so overlooks the bad behaviour.

But what about you? 😢

You sound like you expect too little.

Myparents were good to me when i left my x but over time i could see how my childhood had lead to me feeling familiarity in a relationship where i was not allowed to have a need or express an emotion. My parents werent bad people but there are things they dont understand. They jollied me along my whole life which they thought gave me a positive outlook but it made me feel i wasnt entitled to ever feel sad/angry/hurt by them. They simply would not accept it.

My mum did something quite thoughtless about 3 years ago and for the first time ever i would not back down.
I redrew the boundaries a little there.

I dont think my mum will ever understand that as a people pleader herself she used me as a tool in her peoplepleading, but she would hesitate now to go ahead and do someting id asked her not to do anyway. Before she would have thought "oh year ofthedog might object but ill tell her off for being sensitive" but now i think she knows that if she doesnt treat me like she treats her sisters/brothers, i will not let that pass.

The boundaries can be redrawn.

Xx

OP, I am with you on this.

But,

You can't stop them.

I would accept that by going they have zero loyalty to you and adjust your relationship accordingly.

But you know this.

Try not to upset yourself any more than you have.

They have been disloyal to you and your children for years.
They have rewarded his behaviour with friendship and work.
That they maintained a relationship with him after how he has behaved, tells me they are complete twats with neither intelligence, loyalty, nor loyalty.

Completely unforgivable.

Wishing you well

TequilaMonster Thu 05-Mar-20 19:52:13
@AttilaTheMeerkat, I think you may be right with the kindred spirit comment.

My mum has been very vocal about his faults, but I think there is some kind of relatable aspect there too. I think she's always felt sorry for him in a way, so overlooks the bad behaviour.
.............
That's interesting.

Your're divorced, remarried so not been with him for a long time. Is it possible that he has changed, become more mature and responsible in recent times? Obviously I don't know but I'm different to how I was years ago, my husband changed quite a bit over the years and I've seen changes in others.

Have you talked to your mum and dad about this issue since posting this thread?

Wow your parents are knobs.
How horrible can they be, they know how he treated you. They don't care they have no loyaly to their own child.
I'd be cutting back on seeing them myself. Save having to hear about the trips ou for a pint and you Mum waxing lyrical about the godsend of an ex.
I bet your Ex frinds it hysterical that they chose him over you.

Your parents are twats. The fact they don't like your nice DP but are all pally with your abusive ex says to me they don't like you very much and are doing this to hurt you. If they have form for this sort of thing id be reducing contact or NC.

Lynda07

Becoming mature and responsible does not excuse past abusive behaviour and most abusive people do not change. They simply change who sees and/or receives the abuse. And nothing excuses abuse.

Too many people refuse to see abusers as they are and that's why so many get away with it.

flirtygirl Sat 07-Mar-20 04:12:14
Lynda07

Becoming mature and responsible does not excuse past abusive behaviour and most abusive people do not change. They simply change who sees and/or receives the abuse. And nothing excuses abuse.

Too many people refuse to see abusers as they are and that's why so many get away with it.
......
Can't argue with that, flirtygirl. Some things do go too deep.

All I know is I have forgiven people and been forgiven, life does go on and the op has divorced and remarried.

It might have been better for her parents not to have told her about their involvement with her ex husband. They have been insensitive.

I really hope she has a deep conversation with her parents about this, I hate the thought of her being so hurt.

Op your parents are undermining you.
You decisions about your past relationship dont matter.
Your feelings about your past relationship dont matter.
Your parents , particularly your Mother with the talking about your ex, are trying to show you how little they care about your decision/feelings.
They have poor boundaries and still see you as "child" rather than as an adult who can make decisions for herself.
Totally agree your ex is using this as a way of rewriting things "she was crazy" even her parents prefer me.
Its a control game ( particularly your mother) step out of the game , withdraw slightly and shut down the talking about the ex .
Remain "adult" polite but firm and dont be drawn into argueing with them.
Im so sorry , its awful behaviour from them.

So @TequilaMonster have you and your husband discussed what you're going to do going forward, with regard to your parents?

I don't believe he's changed.

If he had any sensitivity at all he'd get that it's weird even in an amicable split up to invite your ex in laws to your next wedding.

He knows that your father was a witness to his violence to you. He knows your parents know. Their refusal to take a stand really supports his narrative that he is a reasonable guy. He needs them as their inability TO TAKE A FUCKING STAND really supports his narrative that he is a nice guy, did nothing wrong etc..

Your parents have a lot of power here. His house of cards could suffer a bit of a wobble if they were to say to him ''No, it's not right that we go to the wedding of the man who was abusive to our daughter so while we hope your second marriage is more successful than your first, we won't attend''.

I would also be tempted to put in a bit about treating his second wife with more respect and more kindness than he treated their daughter.

Draw a line under it.

I hope you're still reading OP.