To not want my parents going to my ex's wedding

[TequilaMonster]

Hi,

A bit of background- ex and I broke up for 7 years ago. We have a teenage DC together, so obviously have regular contact. I'm married and obviously, he's about to be.

The split was messy, but soon amicable, purely for the sake of our DC, but it's been tough.

We had a very volatile relationship. Argued a lot and I don't think either of us respected the other. Ex was often very aggressive towards me and would quite regularly scream and shout in my face. My parents witnessed some of this and even had to intervene at times.

He has some good qualities, yes, but they know he didn't treat me well and to be perfectly honest, hasn't been the best dad either.

Really struggled to get CM out of him for the first couple of years, even though he was taking gf number 103 on swanky holidays and buying himself designer clothes. He would quite often call me on the one day he had DC and ask if he could bring them back early, because he's run out of things to do 🙄 And sometimes would turn up to collect DC with a hangover/still drunk and I'd have to turn him away. They know all this. I was living with them at the time.

Anyway, he still lives quite close to my parents and will sometimes do work for them round the house- he's a builder. Not only that, but my dad will go out for the occasional pint with him (doesn't ask my now DP who treats me 100 times better)and my mum insists on talking about him in front of my DP, at length, as though he's part of the family. Of course he's DC's dad, but that's it.

So to cut a very long story slightly less long, he's sent them a wedding invitation and they've accepted.

I'm very uncomfortable with this, as you'd think they would be! I don't know why they have so much loyalty for him. My dad had to pull him off from me once!

They know I think them going is inappropriate, but we haven't had the full blown conversation yet. I've been told by another family member fo expect my mum not to budge on her decision and it's making me really angry.

Also, I very much doubt his soon to be wife, will want his ex's parents there!

Thoughts please? I'm preparing myself for the awkward conversation, so opinions and advice very much welcome.

TIA

If my parents made a point of remaining close friends with an ex that was physically aggressive towards me along with generally treating me like crap, felt no remorse and deliberately alienated me and my subseqeuent partner in his honour, then I would probably go NC with them.

^^ This - though LC is probably less drama and I'd change the subject any time ex was mentioned or not repond.

Obviously you can't stop them going but you can manage how you respond to them doing that.

I feel for you. I had a similar situation but it was my brother inviting my ex to his wedding. That was my ex who brought his girlfriend to our home and slept with her in my bed, who spent every spare penny on alcohol, who was never there for his kids.

I didn't go, caused alot of upset but i wasn't prepared to be put in that position by my own brother. SIL never forgave me.

The ‘girlfriend number 103’ or whatever number it was comment plus the comments about designer clothes etc just sound like jealousy by the way.

Jealously? Jealous that he was spending his money on casual gfs and material things, rather than on our DC? Jealous?! Wtf? If our DC had been financially taken care of and then he went off and spent all his money on fancy holidays etc, I couldn't have given a toss!

Anyway, to those of you who are asking about my relationship generally with my parents, on the whole, we're actually very close. I know they love me and I love them to pieces, but looking back, there have always been odd situations regarding my ex, especially with my mum. I remember once I told her that I wanted to leave him and she said that she didn't think my MH could handle it and so I should stay with him. I stayed with him for another 5 years because I thought she was right. I wasn't strong enough and didn't deserve better.

You sound jealous and also we have only heard your side of the story.

OP this time 11 years ago I could have written your post with the exception of the children (I never had them with him).
The first time my exH was violent towards me he called MY parents to come help me.
He was full of apologies etc and I forgave him. My parents loved him and just said things like ‘marriage is hard work’ and ‘you have to take the rough with the smooth’. I finally found the courage to leave him after 7yrs of marriage. It was when I had this wake up call that if I didn’t leave him, he would eventually kill me (or even me him).
My parents supported him through the divorce, despite the fact he took me for every penny I had and fought over everything we owned - down to the air freshener in the lounge. My parents took his side because he was the one begging me for another chance, said he would do anger management and therefore it appeared that I was the one walking away because I said no.
It was a couple of months after our separation that I found out my Dad had been playing golf with him and even been to the pub with him. It was like a massive kick to the gut finding this out.
I said at the time I was so sad and upset that he could go down the pub with the man who had strangled me and my Dad commented that the abuse ‘wasn’t that bad’.
The only way I have managed to move forward with my relationship with my Dad is to acknowledge that my ExH was a master manipulator and brilliant actor.
Despite this the lack of loyalty and feeling of betrayal will always stay with me and I have never felt like I ‘forgive’ my Dad.
The only thing you can do is ask for absolutely no details of their relationship with him and try and calmly make it clear why you feel so sad about this.

You don’t sound like you’ve moved on at all.
So much anger, jealousy etc coming from you.

Don’t blame your mum for staying with him. That’s bloody awful.

I would be disappointed with them and would go very low contact....and tell them why.

I don't think you sound jealous at all.
Your parents sound really disloyal.
Yanbu.

Yes I have moved on. 100%. I am actually genuinely happy that he is getting married. Mainly for my DC who is very fond of his gf and as I said in my OP, we have been amicable from pretty much the beginning.

If you were genuinely happy you’d not be posting this thread because it wouldn’t be relevant to you, having your parents attend.

Come on. You can be happy an ex is getting married and still remember what a shit he was to you and not want your own parents to be best chums with him.

I can be genuinely happy that he is getting married and not happy about my parents attending.

I'm with you OP I think it's really disloyal of your parents to even be involved with him after he's been so abusive to you. It proves to me that they are really selfish. I have a similar situation with my parents too, who are loyal to my ex who did the dirty on me but they just don't seem to understand it's a problem. I'll never forget their disloyalty and I feel very differently about them now, even though, like you were are supposedly 'close'. It's extremely hurtful. All the people calling you jealous are just being bitchy, don't listen to it

This is something my Mum would do, as, she likes to make her DCs feel like shit. Don't listen to MN insensitives OP - posts like yours will draw out the 'so what, it's up to them' crew.

He does work on their house, no doubt in between that, playing the hard done by victim over a cup of tea.

They can go to the wedding but you then need to learn to stand up for yourself - refuse to allow them to speak to you about it. No discussion, not a word. Be adamant.

Concentrate on your DH and DD, your own little family.

Rude, disloyal parents are the pits. In your shoes I actually wouldn't give them the time of day. Life's too short.

Didn’t seem to bother op until they accept an invite to his wedding?

Anyway, to those of you who are asking about my relationship generally with my parents, on the whole, we're actually very close. I know they love me and I love them to pieces, but looking back, there have always been odd situations regarding my ex, especially with my mum.

My sibling both had abusive relationships and my parents initially took their other half’s side right up to point they started witnessing what was going on then they took their child side and didn't want a bar of the partner.

I was once at the gathering after a family funeral with now DH – several family members made it clear they thought he was great – fine. Came back into the room to find my Uncle saying he should leave me as he could clearly do better and one of my parents and siblings agreeing – DH couldn’t stand any of them.

Oddly I know full well my parents really do love us – they just seem very surprised we have friends and have met partners and manage to function out in the world and people want to spend time with us – it’s very odd – and draining.

Indeed @ DeeCeeCherry life is too short.
She could be like a lot of people and have both parents 6 feet under already.

Life is too short to be annoyed by things like this.

@TequilaMonster.
As hard as this is going to sound, i think you may need to reevaluate the relationship you have with your parents. Regardless if they actually go or not, they have accepted the invite. That its self would be enough for me.

I think you have to talk to them, face to face, and ask them how on earth they can consider going after all he has done to you. Ask your dad, how he can associate with a man who physically attacked his daughter and who he had to pull off.

Im sorry, but what your parents are doing, as far as im concerned, is quite unforgivable. Im close to my parents and love them to bits too, but if they did something like this i genuinely dont think i could have a relationship with them again, certainly not for a long time.

Perhaps write them a letter, if telling them face to face doesnt help.

Have we got an influx of NetHuns in this week or something? There seem to be a small but significant number of posters who think replying "you're jealous" over and over again is putting a reasoned argument to the OP

MN is batshit sometimes - jealous my arse! There are done posters who are determined to find fault with an OP no matter what.
If my parents had such little loyalty to me, I wouldn't want to see them anymore.

I think you're not being at all unreasonable, I would feel the same, but given that there are children involved I also think it's not a bad thing. It's going to be nice & positive for them to see all of their grandparents and father all getting on together. I'm not sure this needs to be about you at all.

Jellybeans, you're being wilfully unkind. Cool if that makes you happy re whatever axe you have to grind.

'She' as you've called the OP, has valid reasons for being upset.

Everybody's going to be 6ft under one day. & not everybody deserves the time of day either. That's life.

My response was to OP not you. That's all.

Yanbu. Their loyalty is fecked up.

Well at least we get a snapshot of how some parents on here will be supportive of their abusive son in laws at the expense of their daughters. It’s really very sad that some of you will put the feelings of a man who might abuse your daughter, over her feelings.

Which is how I’m seeing it @ ScribblingMilly

It’s not really disloyal to you at all op. They just sound they’re being civil with their grandchildren’s other parent which I think, actually shows how nice your parents are.

The alternative- they hate him, nothing is civil, arguments etc.
For what?