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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my parents going to my ex's wedding

233 replies

TequilaMonster · 04/03/2020 12:46

Hi,

A bit of background- ex and I broke up for 7 years ago. We have a teenage DC together, so obviously have regular contact. I'm married and obviously, he's about to be.

The split was messy, but soon amicable, purely for the sake of our DC, but it's been tough.

We had a very volatile relationship. Argued a lot and I don't think either of us respected the other. Ex was often very aggressive towards me and would quite regularly scream and shout in my face. My parents witnessed some of this and even had to intervene at times.

He has some good qualities, yes, but they know he didn't treat me well and to be perfectly honest, hasn't been the best dad either.

Really struggled to get CM out of him for the first couple of years, even though he was taking gf number 103 on swanky holidays and buying himself designer clothes. He would quite often call me on the one day he had DC and ask if he could bring them back early, because he's run out of things to do 🙄 And sometimes would turn up to collect DC with a hangover/still drunk and I'd have to turn him away. They know all this. I was living with them at the time.

Anyway, he still lives quite close to my parents and will sometimes do work for them round the house- he's a builder. Not only that, but my dad will go out for the occasional pint with him (doesn't ask my now DP who treats me 100 times better)and my mum insists on talking about him in front of my DP, at length, as though he's part of the family. Of course he's DC's dad, but that's it.

So to cut a very long story slightly less long, he's sent them a wedding invitation and they've accepted.

I'm very uncomfortable with this, as you'd think they would be! I don't know why they have so much loyalty for him. My dad had to pull him off from me once!

They know I think them going is inappropriate, but we haven't had the full blown conversation yet. I've been told by another family member fo expect my mum not to budge on her decision and it's making me really angry.

Also, I very much doubt his soon to be wife, will want his ex's parents there!

Thoughts please? I'm preparing myself for the awkward conversation, so opinions and advice very much welcome.

TIA

OP posts:
Chloemol · 04/03/2020 13:14

To those that are saying what happened is history, the parents have a good relationship with him so no issue in going I say your wrong

You seriously think that it’s acceptable that parents of someone who was verbally abused, that had to chase for money to pay for children, who had to pull the ex of their daughter remain such friends with the abuser and go to his wedding

Well I don’t. Loyalty should lie with their daughter, and why on earth remain friends with such a person

I am not sure this is something I could get past, that they think how be behaved was acceptable, and would be reducing contact

Tyersal · 04/03/2020 13:14

I don't think you're unreasonable at all and the voting reflects that. I do think if this was in the step parent section it would be a different response

Oldbutstillgotit · 04/03/2020 13:14

My DD’s ex was abusive to her and I can’t imagine ever speaking to him again let alone go to his wedding . I am shocked on your behalf . Yes, it is their decision but it is a bad one and I think they are being unfair and unkind 💐

flirtygirl · 04/03/2020 13:15

It's very disloyal. It's also telling and sad that some posters can't see that.

*heartsonacake,

*YABU. All that backstory is irrelevant and this is nothing to do with you. He’s your ex.,

They are clearly still amicable with him and might even still be friends. There’s nothing wrong with that; they’re not doing a disservice to you.

Of course the back story is relevant, how rude and how short sighted.
There is absolutely something wrong with a survivor' family members being friends with an abuser. Talk about how to mitigate and lessen the perceived impact of the abuse that the op suffered. If my friends and family did this then I would go low contact with them.

This is why our society accepts deadbeat dads and abusive men so readily. Everyone sees to fall over themselves to be super accepting. Instead of standing up and saying "no, your behaviour is/was not acceptable and never will be."

If Ops parents do so then it is wrong and op YANBU. They are showing a tacit acceptance of your ex and therefore an acceptance of his past behaviour. It is doing a disservice to the op.

Thurmanmurman · 04/03/2020 13:15

YANBU. Where's the family loyalty?

Marnie76 · 04/03/2020 13:15

I can’t believe people are saying YABU!
So all those that are, one day if your child and grandchildren are treated badly by their expartner, you would be great friends with them? I think that’s a horrible slap in the face.

OP, I would tell them exactly what you’ve said here. It probably won’t change anything they do, but they need to know what you think of their behaviour.

MrsBeeluga · 04/03/2020 13:15

I don't think the main issue is about being hurt. It's the disloyalty, we all want to be loyal to our dc and we should be able to expect loyalty from our parents... surely.

I wouldn't be able to have a close relationship with someone not standing up for me after abuse.

flirtygirl · 04/03/2020 13:16

And my stars failed. Mumsnet when will we get an edit button?

tiggerkid · 04/03/2020 13:16

A lot of people would say move on and if the world was black and white and everything about human feelings was also black and white, it would seem like a rational response to tell you that your parents are separate beings and can have their own relationships with your ex and blah, blah, blah... However, the world of human emotions isn't as black and white as we would like, so given that not all our feelings are rational, I totally get how you feel. I think I would be pretty upset too.

I certainly know that my friend is pretty upset with her parents talking to her ex as if nothing happened when their split was messy and she was very badly treated. There is something of a betrayal there, and I totally get why you could be upset with this.

MashedPotatoBrainz · 04/03/2020 13:16

You being hurt shouldn’t stop other people doing what they feel they want to do.

It should if they care about her. You can't claim to love someone while doing things you know are hurting them.

Waveysnail · 04/03/2020 13:17

They have maintained a relationship with him. Your dad having a drink and him doing building work for them - not totally surprising they have accepted the invite. I'm guessing lots of time has past if you have remarried. Perhaps they see your amicable relationship as a cue to live and let live

Mistystar99 · 04/03/2020 13:17

I think this is very disloyal. I hope they have a shit time!

Houseworkavoider · 04/03/2020 13:18

I wouldn’t be able to forgive that! It’s a shame they’re so shit Flowers

pedanticstyleguide · 04/03/2020 13:18

I think it's fine for parents to stay friends with an ex - I still exchange Christmas cards with an ex's mum. But he wasn't violent or abusive to me! And that's the issue here I think. If you just didn't get on anymore, that's fine.

But it's not fine for parents to remain friendly with someone who abused their daughter, mentally or physically or both.

TheYearOfTheDog · 04/03/2020 13:20

@heartsonacake
Is there nobody on earth close enough to you/or who loves you enough that they wouldn't want to stand up and be counted and show you loyalty?

Obviously we can all do what we want. We know that. But there are people we care about, children usually, if somebody hurts them we WANT to show them loyalty.

Because what does it feel like to be on the receiving end of a person close to us who claims they love us/like us who has all the facts and then chooses NOT to show us loyalty?

It feels like gas lighting.

What you have posted is either extremely cold or arguing the toss for the sake of argument.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 04/03/2020 13:20

I wouldnt like it but mine won't even speak to him after what he did to me and the dcs so ate unlikely to receive an invite to his wedding in August

TheMagiciansMewTwo · 04/03/2020 13:22

I'd view it as them going to support the DC. Yy the DC have other relatives there but presumably the other relatives are from your ex's side of the family? They may not be as sensitive as they could be to your DCs' needs or mixed emotions about seeing their father marry someone else.
tbh I can see why the ongoing friendship with him rankles and upsets you but it's that friendship that is the issue not the wedding invite. And that friendship may have been helpful to your DC over the years because your ex is part of them whether he's a tosser or not.

caperberries · 04/03/2020 13:24

Part of the reason this man wants his x in laws at the wedding no doubt is to support his script as truth. ''I tried to reason with her!'', and ''she was always upset over very little'', ''she was very sensitive and dramatic''. ''Her parents know exactly what she's like''.. "'her parents know what I went through'' ''Her parents and I are on good terms''.

This. It's incredibly disloyal of them, I'd be tempted to issue an ultimatum, or at least go low contact.

fruitbrewhaha · 04/03/2020 13:24

I'd be hurt too. I'd have to say something.

I think I'd be questioning my relationship with my dps if they did this.

Balloonsandbunting · 04/03/2020 13:24

This is staggering disloyalty on your parents’ part, and I would be absolutely gutted in your situation.

I have a history of not having awkward conversations with my parents, so I’m not one to talk! But if I were you, i’d prepare a series of questions to try to ascertain where on earth they’re coming from. For e.g.:
Do they remember [insert incident where your dad had to pull him off you]? And other instances of his bad treatment of you?
Do they feel ex was at fault? (Be prepared to hear things you don’t like/agree with- it’s all part of understanding and processing)
Why do they continue to see him?
Do they understand that you feel it’s a massive betrayal of you? And why you feel that way? If yes, why is it so important to them to carry on doing it?
I say this, because i’ve recently started to approach my own parents’ hurtful actions with a spirit of straight-talking enquiry, and I feel SO much better about it (and I don’t have to rant about them to my DH anymore!)

fruitbrewhaha · 04/03/2020 13:24

And caperberries has hit the nail on the head.

herbie01 · 04/03/2020 13:25

It's a bit sh*t of them to be so chummy with Ex and to be going to his wedding after being witness to his poor behaviour towards you over the years (their own behavior sounds like they prefer Ex over your current DH/DP regardless of how Ex treated you?) but at the end of the day you can't stop them going, and it sounds like your mum already has her gloves ready to go to battle about their decision you go.
I think the extent of your coversation will be just that - "I'm feeling very disappointed and hurt that you want to go to Ex's wedding considering what you saw of his behavior to me during our marriage, but I can't stop you going if that's your choice. " you wont change her decision to go so at best you state your piece about how it makes you feel and then get on with your life. Don't give her the fight she seems to be wanting. Focus on yourself & your current DH/DP as I think they've made their preferences clear.

Your mum discussing Ex at length in front of your DH/DP is something i think you need to nip in the bud if she starts though.

Bluntness100 · 04/03/2020 13:25

I think as they have maintained a relationship with him your dad goes out for a drink with him, he comes and helps with their house etc, I’d let this go, you need to be able to separate off your relationship with him and theirs.

You’re remarried now, you say it’s all amicable, the kids will be there. Personally I think you need to grit your teeth. The relationship being amicable between everyone is a positive.

Divebar · 04/03/2020 13:25

I had a boyfriend once who dumped me when we were at his friends wedding. I had to make my own way home on several trains( I was 4 hours away from home) When I got back together with him my step-dad had a problem even being civil with him he was so annoyed at the way he had treated me. I wouldn’t expect a person who was violent to you to be setting foot inside their house and I certainly wouldn’t expect them to go to his wedding. Being polite for the sake of good relations and the DC is one thing socialising is something else altogether.

LorenzoStDubois · 04/03/2020 13:27

That's dreadful.
Really dire.
I wouldn't be speaking to my parents again after that.

I think you should show those two stupid bastards this thread.