To not want my parents going to my ex's wedding

[TequilaMonster]

Hi,

A bit of background- ex and I broke up for 7 years ago. We have a teenage DC together, so obviously have regular contact. I'm married and obviously, he's about to be.

The split was messy, but soon amicable, purely for the sake of our DC, but it's been tough.

We had a very volatile relationship. Argued a lot and I don't think either of us respected the other. Ex was often very aggressive towards me and would quite regularly scream and shout in my face. My parents witnessed some of this and even had to intervene at times.

He has some good qualities, yes, but they know he didn't treat me well and to be perfectly honest, hasn't been the best dad either.

Really struggled to get CM out of him for the first couple of years, even though he was taking gf number 103 on swanky holidays and buying himself designer clothes. He would quite often call me on the one day he had DC and ask if he could bring them back early, because he's run out of things to do 🙄 And sometimes would turn up to collect DC with a hangover/still drunk and I'd have to turn him away. They know all this. I was living with them at the time.

Anyway, he still lives quite close to my parents and will sometimes do work for them round the house- he's a builder. Not only that, but my dad will go out for the occasional pint with him (doesn't ask my now DP who treats me 100 times better)and my mum insists on talking about him in front of my DP, at length, as though he's part of the family. Of course he's DC's dad, but that's it.

So to cut a very long story slightly less long, he's sent them a wedding invitation and they've accepted.

I'm very uncomfortable with this, as you'd think they would be! I don't know why they have so much loyalty for him. My dad had to pull him off from me once!

They know I think them going is inappropriate, but we haven't had the full blown conversation yet. I've been told by another family member fo expect my mum not to budge on her decision and it's making me really angry.

Also, I very much doubt his soon to be wife, will want his ex's parents there!

Thoughts please? I'm preparing myself for the awkward conversation, so opinions and advice very much welcome.

TIA

Indeed @ DeeCeeCherry life is too short.
She could be like a lot of people and have both parents 6 feet under already.

Mine are six feet under, but they were cunts, so meh. 🤷‍♀️

You don’t sound jealous. Jellybeans is gaslighting so just ignore them.

They sound like they’ve been thoroughly manipulated by him. I’m sorry they can’t see it for that and it is disloyal of them to go. It would do damage below the water of my relationship with my parents if they did that in those circumstances. People are funny though, as jellybean and some of the other gaslighter-ish posters have shown!

It might be hard to approach it with them without looking petty, unfortunately. I would ask them not to go directly and see what the reaction is. If they try to push it back on you and say it’s no big deal then you know what their priorities are, as hurtful as it will feel.

You can only be responsible for you so focus on treating your daughter how you would want your parents to treat you and enjoy yourself with your new partner. Like a pp said, nice hotel break to distract, and a bit of distance from the parents. You deserve loyalty, compassion and consideration from your parents first and foremost before anyone else gets it, especially abusive exes. Good luck

Jellybeans so if you had a daughter whose ex was abusive to the point of being dragged of her, you would think it perfectly fine to become friends with him?

This place is fucking mental.

@Oswin I wouldn’t want to be friends with them no. But I’d grit my teeth and remain amicable for the sake of my grandchildren yes.

The alternative- they hate him, nothing is civil, arguments etc.
For what?

They could have politely decline the wedding invite of a man they had to pull of their DD or not have him round for coffee, not go out for drinks or mention him a lot in front of OP or her new DP.

I don't think rows are needed - OP just needs to get very busy with her children and DP and change the subject or leave when wedding or anything to do with ex is brought up.

Going to someone's wedding is a lot more than civil.

My ex was abusive and my dad is civil with him. This just means not telling him what he thinks of him when he sees him. He is polite.
My dad would sooner bury the bastard then go to his wedding.

Well however close if this was my parents I would not be speaking to them. This is so disloyal and minimising of your ex’s disgusting behaviour.
It is such misogynistic behaviour.

My exh was abusive.
Outside of court he tried to speak to my dm.
She told him to Fuck Off..
As she should have imo...

My dd has been in an abusive relationship.. Won't be responsible for my tongue if i see him..
And it won't be an invite for bloody coffee /such.

But I’d grit my teeth and remain amicable for the sake of my grandchildren yes.

At the expense of your daughter’s happiness, even if it affected her relationship with you? This pandering to abusive people in order to keep others happy, is part of the reason abusers are able to continue bullying new partners.

But jellybean they aren't doing that. This isn't just being civil for grandchildren.

This is an actual friendship.

@Oswin they’ve had him round to do work and gone for a few pints.

It’s hardly a friendship. Their grandchildren will be at the wedding too!

well, I think I would let the wedding go, even though I would be unhappy.

But at some point I would sit down with them and say
This man hurt me, physically and emotionally
This man was treated me badly
This man was a crap dad to your gc.

Why do you feel the need to have a friendship with him?
Why do you talk about him and make a fuss of him more than my current DP, who treats me well?

How do you think it makes me feel to know you are friends with someone who you once had to physically pull off me to stop them hurting me?

I think this is reasonable because they are yoru parents. if no-one else stood up for me, then I would expect my mum to. (unless I was being undreasonable!) I would stand up for my dc.

I think a PP hit it in the head. They don't want to rock the boat. Being civil to local builder and all that.

‘ At the expense of your daughter’s happiness, even if it affected her relationship with you? This pandering to abusive people in order to keep others happy, is part of the reason abusers are able to continue bullying new partners.’

^ so if someone abuses my daughter I have to abuse them back for that to be ok then?
My son and daughter come first, always- but that doesn’t mean I have to instantly hate and throw abuse at anyone who crosses them, especially if they have children with this person.

You can behave amicably with people you hate, there is no gain in the opposite.

How can you not see there is middle ground between abusing the ex and being friends with them?

You talk like these are the only choices . They are choosing to have a friendship with a man who abused their child.

If it had been an amicable breakup and there hadn’t been financial issues etc, then I can see why they might want to remain friendly with him if they liked him. Even then, going to his wedding, where he makes the same promises he made to you, OP, would be a very uncomfortable experience for most people.

In the actual circumstances, then they are being bizarrely disloyal to their daughter.

Being nasty to someone doesn’t change the past, being amicable with them doesn’t change the past or your opinions on it either, but it does allow people to move on and is positive for the grandchildren in this situation.

You can’t fight fire with fire and all that.

Op is amicable with her ex too, the situation would be weird if op wasn’t.

This is so awful and hurtful. Yadnbu.

I wouldn't give them the pleasure of asking they don't go to the wedding - it gives them the opportunity to call you petty and jealous (see replies here).

I would however tell them that you do not want to hear his name mentioned again except when it relates to the children and if they persist bringing him up that you won't be visiting.

They are disloyal and uncaring. I am glad you have found a happy relationship.

They’re not being friends with him though? He’s done work for them @Oswin

sometimes I think you could post on MN "My mum roasted and ate my much loved pet dog AIBU to cut contact" and someone would respond "YABU at least you have a mum. Mine is six feet under"

If they are not friends with him why are they invited to his wedding and why are they going?

Because they’re his kids grandparents and things are amicable @ pallisers

Not only that, but my dad will go out for the occasional pint with him (doesn't ask my now DP who treats me 100 times better)and my mum insists on talking about him in front of my DP, at length, as though he's part of the family.

That sounds more than a work relationship to me.

I can quite understand your feelings, annoyance, feelings of disloyalty etc.

My MIL kept up a good working relationship with my SIL’s ex-husband. She knew what had gone on - or a lot of it.

She saw it as her role, to keep the peace and help her grand chldren as they grew up.

It wasn’t easy for her or my SIL and my MIL had to swallow a deal of pride and take deep breaths.

Because of this there has been peace, the children have had an easier passage through childhood into adulthood and there has been little aggro.

But I can quite understand some aspects stick in your throat!

All the best

Jellybeansincognito

No one said anything about you being abusive and you say your children come first, but the fact that you would ignore your adult son or daughter’s wishes, regarding their ex, shows that isn’t quite true, is it? This isn’t about being civil, this man is working on their house, going out for pints with her father and now they’re going to his wedding. If you think that’s just being civil and shouldn’t affect your abused daughter or son, that’s an incredibly self centred attitude.

There is no need to hate him, also no need to cultivate a friendship. Pints down the pub and going to the wedding are cultivating a friendship.

I recently bumped into a dad from my dcs primary school. There was a complicated split, dad had kids for a while, we were friends, because our kids were close, then mum had kids and we became friends with mum, dad disappeared. I eventually found out that he was abusive.
I am still friends, but not close with mum

So, bumped into dad. I was friendly and polite, asked how he was, we were friends 5 years ago before dcs moved in with their mum, I don't know the official story. He asked if we see his dcs (I know he doesn't) I was very very careful what I said. Careful not to give away one single detail about them, I know they have moved, new schools, mum remarried. I kept it careful and general "yes my goodness, all at secondary now, doesn't time fly"

There is no way in a million years I would accept an invitation from him for a drink, have any closer contact with him, because I know he was abusive.
The family he was abusive to, are not even close to me, let alone my own daughter.

Still, I wasn't going to make a scene in the shop, just polite and move on.