To not want my parents going to my ex's wedding

[TequilaMonster]

Hi,

A bit of background- ex and I broke up for 7 years ago. We have a teenage DC together, so obviously have regular contact. I'm married and obviously, he's about to be.

The split was messy, but soon amicable, purely for the sake of our DC, but it's been tough.

We had a very volatile relationship. Argued a lot and I don't think either of us respected the other. Ex was often very aggressive towards me and would quite regularly scream and shout in my face. My parents witnessed some of this and even had to intervene at times.

He has some good qualities, yes, but they know he didn't treat me well and to be perfectly honest, hasn't been the best dad either.

Really struggled to get CM out of him for the first couple of years, even though he was taking gf number 103 on swanky holidays and buying himself designer clothes. He would quite often call me on the one day he had DC and ask if he could bring them back early, because he's run out of things to do 🙄 And sometimes would turn up to collect DC with a hangover/still drunk and I'd have to turn him away. They know all this. I was living with them at the time.

Anyway, he still lives quite close to my parents and will sometimes do work for them round the house- he's a builder. Not only that, but my dad will go out for the occasional pint with him (doesn't ask my now DP who treats me 100 times better)and my mum insists on talking about him in front of my DP, at length, as though he's part of the family. Of course he's DC's dad, but that's it.

So to cut a very long story slightly less long, he's sent them a wedding invitation and they've accepted.

I'm very uncomfortable with this, as you'd think they would be! I don't know why they have so much loyalty for him. My dad had to pull him off from me once!

They know I think them going is inappropriate, but we haven't had the full blown conversation yet. I've been told by another family member fo expect my mum not to budge on her decision and it's making me really angry.

Also, I very much doubt his soon to be wife, will want his ex's parents there!

Thoughts please? I'm preparing myself for the awkward conversation, so opinions and advice very much welcome.

TIA

'Honestly, I am gobsmacked by your parents' behaviour. Being civil for the sake of their grandchildren is one thing, but this is way beyond that, isn't it?'

Yes, this is so hurtful. They are either thick or just don't care. Either way there is no excuse. The odd pint with an ex who was abusive is bad enough but to go to his wedding .

I would have to say how hurtful and disappointing it is that they don't put loyalty towards you first. I bet the abusive ex would love it if he knew how much this has hurt you, or is that why he's done it.

At a minimum I would openly and calmly stop chit chat about him in the future. With an open reminder that he was an abuser.

Eg "Dad, you pulled this man off me while he tried to strangle me. I'm not interested in his day to day life"

I'd be tempted to say something similar regarding the wedding. Amicable for the children is one thing. It's just a line crossed to go to his wedding.

It's as if they're under some sort of control.

I dont pick up on jealousy here. Some tool always claims that when a woman mentions a grievance with her ex. But I wouldn't blame you for being angry about several aspects of this.

I suspect they are like my parents (mother really, father goes along).
My mother is a people pleaser, to everybody except me. When it comes to me, her policy was to USE me as a tool in her people pleasing. she doesn't consciously see this.

And if your parents are similar, like, basically flawed but decent people, they are trying to walk this tightrope without losing anybody's approval. They don't realise they've lost YOURS and that should be more precious to them than his.

They thought they always had your love, approval. But his is precarious. His could be withdrawn, so they pander to HIM and hurt you because they think they'll always have you.

It's not even conscious.

My mother does, i'm collateral damage in her people pleasing. Or I was. She was forced to view things through a different lens three years ago when I reacted very differently to a very hurtful thing she did.

If you had split but he’d been good to you, I’d say YABU.
As he was not good to you and your parents know that, YANBU

Unless they are planning up to stand for the 'does anyone know of any reason why' bit and announce he's a twat who had to be pulled off you, then no, they should not be going.

Maybe he wants them to be there to take the DC off to bed in the evening?

Crap wrong thread