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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my parents going to my ex's wedding

233 replies

TequilaMonster · 04/03/2020 12:46

Hi,

A bit of background- ex and I broke up for 7 years ago. We have a teenage DC together, so obviously have regular contact. I'm married and obviously, he's about to be.

The split was messy, but soon amicable, purely for the sake of our DC, but it's been tough.

We had a very volatile relationship. Argued a lot and I don't think either of us respected the other. Ex was often very aggressive towards me and would quite regularly scream and shout in my face. My parents witnessed some of this and even had to intervene at times.

He has some good qualities, yes, but they know he didn't treat me well and to be perfectly honest, hasn't been the best dad either.

Really struggled to get CM out of him for the first couple of years, even though he was taking gf number 103 on swanky holidays and buying himself designer clothes. He would quite often call me on the one day he had DC and ask if he could bring them back early, because he's run out of things to do 🙄 And sometimes would turn up to collect DC with a hangover/still drunk and I'd have to turn him away. They know all this. I was living with them at the time.

Anyway, he still lives quite close to my parents and will sometimes do work for them round the house- he's a builder. Not only that, but my dad will go out for the occasional pint with him (doesn't ask my now DP who treats me 100 times better)and my mum insists on talking about him in front of my DP, at length, as though he's part of the family. Of course he's DC's dad, but that's it.

So to cut a very long story slightly less long, he's sent them a wedding invitation and they've accepted.

I'm very uncomfortable with this, as you'd think they would be! I don't know why they have so much loyalty for him. My dad had to pull him off from me once!

They know I think them going is inappropriate, but we haven't had the full blown conversation yet. I've been told by another family member fo expect my mum not to budge on her decision and it's making me really angry.

Also, I very much doubt his soon to be wife, will want his ex's parents there!

Thoughts please? I'm preparing myself for the awkward conversation, so opinions and advice very much welcome.

TIA

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 04/03/2020 14:53

Jellybean your whole attitude is very worrying.

so if someone abuses my daughter I have to abuse them back for that to be ok then?
My son and daughter come first, always- but that doesn’t mean I have to instantly hate and throw abuse at anyone who crosses them, especially if they have children with this person.

You don't have to abuse them back, but I think there is something deeply wrong with someone who would still want to be friends with someone that abused their child. Not "crossed". Of course they are friends, they go to the pub with him for God's sake. How does that benefit their grandkids? And is it honestly so important to be close to their grandkids other parent, that it's worth not supporting (and actively antagonising) their own daughter about the man who abused her? How could anyone imagine their child in that scenario and want to be friends with that person?

This absolutely takes the biscuit when it comes to MNers caring intensely about anyone underage but not giving a shit about their own child once they've grown up.

Jellybeansincognito · 04/03/2020 14:53

They’re not ignoring ops wishes- op hasn’t mentioned anything to them at all by the sounds of it.

I am far from selfish, I put everyone else before myself. If my child said they didn’t want me to speak to their ex of course I wouldn’t, but I’d also be wondering why they felt that way if things were truly amicable.

pallisers · 04/03/2020 14:54

Because they’re his kids grandparents and things are amicable @ pallisers

come on. You are really trying to hold two incompatible thoughts here. They are not friends at all just civil AND it is perfectly reasonable for them to go to his wedding.

If it was just civil, they would send a polite refusal to him - not actually go.

No one invites their ex's parents to their wedding just because they are grandparents of teens (not small children needing to be minded) and things are "amicable". And if they do, they would understand perfectly if they got a polite refusal. Can you imagine what his fiancee thinks?

AtrociousCircumstance · 04/03/2020 14:55

Fuck, where is their loyalty Angry

Their boundaries sound appalling. You have every right to be upset about this OP.

Jellybeansincognito · 04/03/2020 14:55

@ aSofaNearYou

My attitude is worrying to you?

How on earth does going for a pint with someone make them the bestest of friends, and also- they are close with op, it hasn’t affected her relationship with them. Op is also amicable.
Being amicable with someone, doesn’t mean you forgive their past behaviour or condone it all.

Craigm00rnet · 04/03/2020 14:56

Buckle up !! my DH's mother has so much involvement with his EXW - even after 3 husbands and 15 years since divorce, that we had to go NC as it was infuriating us every day with her sneaking about and having the EXW invited to all family occasions. Good luck if she is as stubborn as my MIL.

Nancydrawn · 04/03/2020 14:58

I can't imagine my parents actively seeking out the company of a man who they once had to "pull off me."

It's not okay.

Throughthegate · 04/03/2020 15:01

The weddings not the thing though really, it's the continued contact and socialising - going to the wedding is quite natural in the light of that. They clearly don't believe his behaviour was that bad, so maybe that is what you need to speak to them about - how he made you feel and the support they haven't given you.

littlejalapeno · 04/03/2020 15:02

“Their boundaries sound appalling”

This. Very much this. And it’s often the kids of people with poor boundaries, and people with poor boundaries themselves that end up with charming, manipulative abusers.

Jellybeans the fact you are trying to justify your cold and contrary opinions by pushing things to extreme examples makes you seem like a troll. I refuse to believe anyone could be so wilfully obtuse and provocative.

Jellybeansincognito · 04/03/2020 15:04

If they were still treating him like a step son and inviting him round for Xmas and meals I’d have to agree but- the occasional pint and him doing work for them?
Doesn’t bother me

Jellybeansincognito · 04/03/2020 15:05

Definitely not a troll.
I just don’t think their behaviour sounds like they’re not supportive of their daughter

aSofaNearYou · 04/03/2020 15:05

*My attitude is worrying to you?

How on earth does going for a pint with someone make them the bestest of friends, and also- they are close with op, it hasn’t affected her relationship with them. Op is also amicable.
Being amicable with someone, doesn’t mean you forgive their past behaviour or condone it all.*

I really can't be bothered to get into a back and forth with you because I can see from your comments to PP that you aren't ever going to budge, but I think you are utterly deluded.

I have never gone for a pint with someone that I wasnt friends with. I certainly wouldn't ever consider going for one with someone I had witnessed abuse someone I loved, let alone my own daughter. They are not amicable with him, they are friends with him. Being friends with someone excuses their past behaviour, and his past behaviour was abusing their daughter.

OP has no choice but to be amicable with him to some extent to arrange the care of their shared children but OPs parents do not, they have chosen to be his friend.

Yes, I do consider it worrying that you honestly believe that is appropriate and would do that with your own children's abusers.

Lynda07 · 04/03/2020 15:06

I don't think you are unreasonable but your parents know more than side to him and have obviously forgiven him for hurting you. Plus time has moved on and he may be far more responsible now than then.

I could shake them for telling you about the wedding invitation, there was no reason for you to know and they should be more tactful than to talk about him in front of you. In your place, I would say as much to them. However your children would probably tell you that the grandparents were at the wedding, I presume they'll be going.

It's a shame for you and I sympathise but you are remarried, it's all over.

Flowers
Finallyatooth · 04/03/2020 15:06

I can understand them keeping up some kind of civil relationship with him, especially as there are children involved.

I do think it's a bit strange to go to his wedding though. I cannot understand your Dad's choice to go out for a pint with him. Why embrace someone who financially neglected his grandchildren.

ShinyRuby · 04/03/2020 15:10

God Jellybeans you sound tiresome & ridiculous, you're determined to hijack this thread with your probably untrue opinions.
OP YANBU, if anyone was abusive to my dc I'd happily never see them again let alone attend their wedding!

BorneoBabe · 04/03/2020 15:11

Says a lot about how society accepts male violence towards women as normal behaviour.

YANBU at all, OP. Flowers

Jellybeansincognito · 04/03/2020 15:14

Well, at least I’m not going around calling people stuff you have.
I am lovely, nice supportive person.

My children will hopefully not fall into this sort of relationship because they will always know they have a place and support in my/ their home

enjoyingSun · 04/03/2020 15:14

Says a lot about how society accepts male violence towards women as normal behaviour.

Yep and non payment of child support.

Delbelleber · 04/03/2020 15:19

Yanbu

Sugarplumfairy65 · 04/03/2020 15:19

@46Jellybeansincognito there is a massive difference between being amicable and what op's parents are doing. Ffs they socialise with him, they are going to his wedding. That's not being amicable, that's close friends. Her ex is probably manipulating the situation because he knows it would be hurtful to op. If it were me in pop's situation, I would never be able to look at my parents in the same light again and would have to go low contact.

littlejalapeno · 04/03/2020 15:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Mrskeats · 04/03/2020 15:29

I cannot imagine a world in which I would go to the wedding of someone who mistreated my daughter. My mum will not have anything to do with my ex at all.
You are right to be upset. Their loyalty should be to you.

Jellybeansincognito · 04/03/2020 15:31

You’re calling me an abuser and asking me to see a therapist?

Because I think life is too short to be hung up on what ops parents are doing?

Right-o

Katypyee · 04/03/2020 15:34

When I split from my ex my mum would still meet up with him when she was visiting. I really hurt my feelings as we had a bad break up due to him having an affair.

I kept quiet for a while and then in the end I had to tell her how it made me feel. I think you at least need to have that conversation with them. Then it is up to them how they choose to proceed.

aSofaNearYou · 04/03/2020 15:40

Jellybean you have made it clear you think life is too short for parents to cease being friends with someone they witnessed abuse their daughter. That definitely makes it reasonable to say you minimise abuse and gaslight. It may not make you an abuser yourself but it certainly goes against your ascertation that your children are unlikely to ever be in that situation because you make it clear to them that they shouldn't accept that sort of behaviour.