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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do other people's OH's do this when they get home?

465 replies

Toomuchtooyoung01 · 03/03/2020 16:49

Currently a SAHM with newborn and 2.5yr old.
OH works full time, often does extra hours here and there as overtime pay is good. I'm very appreciative of him working hard, taking on the financial burden etc. After he's home I do baths and bedtime for both kids, am breastfeeding both of them (obviously newborn round the clock and toddler has fairly regular comfort feeds), he doesn't really need to do anything when he gets in but it would be really helpful if he held newborn etc so i could gave both hands to do whatever it is I'm trying to do. When he gets home, he will without fail say "let me get in, let me get in" and by this he means make himself a coffee, settle on the sofa with it, spend time tapping away on his work laptop, usually a good half an hour after he gets home before he's of any assistance.
It's not even a massive peeve, it's more I've had a rough day with the kids today and when I thought of him getting home in a while I realised actually I could add on an extra 30mins before I can expect any help and just wanted to know if this is usual in other households where one parent is working full time and the other is at home? Am I being unfair in sometimes feeling irritated by him desperately requiring coffee etc before he can be expected to hold one of his children so I can get on?

OP posts:
SheWolfofFrance · 03/03/2020 16:57

Have you asked him to help?

When my DH gets in he comes in for a chat, does a few odd jobs I haven't had time to (home full time on maternity with 4 month old, 20 months and 7 yr old) and goes upstairs to get into his pjs. Usually takes 15-30 mins max and then I got start on dinner for us all. If I need to do dinner faster or need a hand I always just say "DH can you please help me do xyz" if not I leave him to his routine! He has long days and commutes 1.5 hrs each way (he moved to my town as I had a child in school when we met so I wasn't prepared to upheave him during reception)

AryaStarkWolf · 03/03/2020 16:58

Not a SAHM but that would annoy me alot if I were, children are a 24/7 job, he starts contributing to that job when he gets in the door. And lets face it looking after 2 very young children like that can be absolutely mind melting and draining

JasonBrun · 03/03/2020 17:02

Where's your half hour to sit down with a coffee? You've also been at work all day. It's a shitty attitude from him.

ArthurandJessie · 03/03/2020 17:04

I don't think it's unreasonable that your husband has 30 mins to wind down before he starts helping out tbh ... maybe you can have a chat to him and come to a compromise he has his 30 mins but then maybe you get 30 mins to relax on your own too afterwards ?

JustMarriedBecca · 03/03/2020 17:04

Husband does that here. Upstairs, gets changed then he's ready to pitch in.

TheCrowFromBelow · 03/03/2020 17:04

Nope, DP was really hands on with both of ours as soon as he got home.
He hadn't seen them all day, he wanted to spend time with them.
Just give him the baby and tell him it's his turn, he can tap away on his laptop when they are in bed.

LoveFameTragedy · 03/03/2020 17:05

I agree it is not a great attitude from him. I sometimes need a minute to transition from one to the other though and maybe he finds it easier with that too. Maybe text him before he gets in and forewarn him that you need him on board straight away tonight. No debate. Usually he gets his time, but today you need him straight away.

AsAnActualWoman · 03/03/2020 17:05

You obviously need to tell him that sometimes you're waiting for him to get home and the laptop can wait. If you give him baby you can make him a coffee and do your things. He holds baby until his coffee is cool enough to drink.
My DH is better since I went back to work at weekends, I think it dawned on him that the person at home needs to be given a break!

ColourMyDreams · 03/03/2020 17:06

I do that when I get in from work. I just want a coffee and a shower with peace and quiet to do it in.
I've had people coming at me from all directions at work, so I want a bit of time to get myself together, then you can have my undivided attention all night if you want.
Same goes for the husband. I give him peace and quiet to have a coffee and a shower before he cracks on with the domestics.
Just let him wind down a bit and get his breath.

Skittlesss · 03/03/2020 17:06

Why can’t he sit there chilling out holding his own child at the same time?

PhoneLock · 03/03/2020 17:07

I don't think it's unreasonable that your husband has 30 mins to wind down before he starts helping out tbh

Nor me. I thought you were going to say that he gets in and then slobs in front of the telly until midnight.

WinterCat · 03/03/2020 17:09

No, DH spends around half an hour playing or reading, then does bath time. I feed the baby and then DH bathes the older children and starts bedtime with them until I’m free to help out. His time starts once they are asleep in bed.

ncqtime · 03/03/2020 17:09

I get needing a bit of time - been there, but ten minutes maybe. Half hour is taking the piss. And on occasion if you've had an especially rough day he should pitch in straight away if you ask him to.

Isthistrueor · 03/03/2020 17:10

No, my DH gets in and usually grabs the toddler to play with him. Automatic reaction from him, he’s missed him all day.

JuanSheetIsPlenty · 03/03/2020 17:10

Getting in means, taking coat and shoes off, going to the toilet and possibly changing clothes if relevant. That’s it. Once that’s done he’s in and he’s part of the home life which means taking a child or taking over dinner or running DCs baths or entertaining DCs while you cook. He doesn’t get to just switch off because he’s not at work. His family life is also his work and it’s one he committed to when he chose to have children. Just like if you took on a job you wouldn’t suddenly stop doing anything at home in the evenings. You’d still be a parent, you’d still need to cook and clean etc.

He needs to wake up and realise he’s giving you a shitty deal.

In your shoes I would just hand the children to him as soon as he sits on the sofa and say “so glad you’re home, I’ve been busting for the loo/haven’t sat down all day/been trying to make dinner with one hand. Etc.

WinterCat · 03/03/2020 17:11

I don't think it's unreasonable that your husband has 30 mins to wind down before he starts helping out tbh

But that 30 mins is probably a crucial time with the children and best supported to get them to sleep.

OP, if he wants 30 mins to himself can he start work 30 mins earlier each day so that he is effectively able to start parenting at the equivalent time of when he currently gets home?

MadamShazam · 03/03/2020 17:11

I think your OH is being a bit unreasonable actually. Yes he's been working, but so have you. And why wouldn't he want to come in and cuddle his children while you have a minute? My OH has always been very hands on, and gets stuck into whatever needs doing as soon as he gets in, because thats what you do when you are part of a family!

BarbedBloom · 03/03/2020 17:11

Yeah, 15 minutes to nip to the toilet and grab a drink. I don't mind that as he has a manual job and is shattered

CaptainCabinets · 03/03/2020 17:12

Can’t you just set your newborn down to do whatever it is you need to desperately do in those 30 mins? Confused

He’s asking for a half hour rest/wind down before he comes home from one FT job to another, which I don’t really see a problem with. He’s not sitting down and staying there for the rest of the night?

RUSU92 · 03/03/2020 17:13

I've had people coming at me from all directions at work, so I want a bit of time to get myself together, then you can have my undivided attention all night if you want.

But OP has had small people coming at her from all directions all day too - its not about her wanting undivided attention like some sort of petulant child, its about needing a few minutes off duty, you know, like working people get on their coffee breaks, lunch breaks, loo breaks, even commuting when they put their headphones on or hop in the car and get some time and space to themselves.

BillywilliamV · 03/03/2020 17:13

Wouldn't be fussed about him sitting for half an hour as long as he stepped up to the plate afterwards. Why not sit with him, then start all the evening stuff?

Waterandlemonjuice · 03/03/2020 17:13

I would be throwing both kids at him and making myself a coffee frankly. YANBU, he’s taking the piss.

TwoZeroTwoZero · 03/03/2020 17:15

It used to annoy me when dh did this when I was on maternity leave, especially with dc2, who was a bit of a handful! It evened out when I went back to work because I'm usually home by 4p.m. and have half an hour in an empty house before going to collect the dc. What still annoys me though is that he can decide on his way home to, for example, stop off somewhere for a sandwich or whatever but I have got to be back by a certain time so can't just randomly come in an hour or two late. I do get all the weekend morning sleep-ins though if he does this.

Make sure that you're getting your fair share of the breaks because if he gets a daily half hour to unwind, you should too. You might not be getting paid but you're still working.

HelloCanYouHearMe · 03/03/2020 17:16

My ex used to do this. Would come home and go up stairs for an hour or so "chill and relax" conveniently appearing 5 mins before DCs bedtime

I asked on here if i was BU about expecting a little more help and got my arse handed to me on a plate...

Its not on OP - 10mins to make a drink and sit and then he needs to step up.

Bluntness100 · 03/03/2020 17:16

If he’s on his work lap top he’s still working even though at home. Are you expecting him to do that work later at night, or maybe come home later and finish it at work? What’s your thoughts on when he would be permitted to do this work?