Do other people's OH's do this when they get home?

[Toomuchtooyoung01]

Currently a SAHM with newborn and 2.5yr old.
OH works full time, often does extra hours here and there as overtime pay is good. I'm very appreciative of him working hard, taking on the financial burden etc. After he's home I do baths and bedtime for both kids, am breastfeeding both of them (obviously newborn round the clock and toddler has fairly regular comfort feeds), he doesn't really need to do anything when he gets in but it would be really helpful if he held newborn etc so i could gave both hands to do whatever it is I'm trying to do. When he gets home, he will without fail say "let me get in, let me get in" and by this he means make himself a coffee, settle on the sofa with it, spend time tapping away on his work laptop, usually a good half an hour after he gets home before he's of any assistance.
It's not even a massive peeve, it's more I've had a rough day with the kids today and when I thought of him getting home in a while I realised actually I could add on an extra 30mins before I can expect any help and just wanted to know if this is usual in other households where one parent is working full time and the other is at home? Am I being unfair in sometimes feeling irritated by him desperately requiring coffee etc before he can be expected to hold one of his children so I can get on?

I think it depends enormously on the temperaments of the dc. My dc1 was a screaming clinging nightmare for over two years and it nearly broke me (it definitely hastened the end of our marriage). Whereas dc2 was a placid dream, I could've coped with 3 of him single-handedly.

My DH helps me from the second he gets until and we both relax when everything is done after bedtime and clearing up.I

@bigfootfred, well I’m sorry but what is possible wo children is not always possible with children.

Imo he should be stepping in his role as a father when he gets home. When is the OP ever getting her own downtime to recover from the day whilst HE is looking after BOTH dcs.

I suspect it never happens as the OP says she does it all anyway.
Even though she is entitled to have some downtime too....

Being a SAHM is much easier than working full time. Cut him some slack.

No it is not. Looking after a newborn and toddler is relentless. You don’t get lunch breaks or toilet breaks.

First things first he's not helping ! It's called parenting!! It's 2020 !!

There needs to be a shake up of expectation and communication. Unmet expectations are the death of relationships because they build resentment

This phase the baby years is really hard on everyone. It's ok for him to get in the door and have 1/2 an hour but then he switches it up and does his fare share with the children

The problem is that housekeeper and muimmy duties don't coexist well. You are entitled to the same 1/2 hour break each day too

It could be that you feed the children before he gets in and then do bath time while he tidys up and prepares the evening meal and puts a wash on. Or you do the bath then he gets them ready for bed and does story time while you have a shower or a bath then you join them to settle the youngest.

8 dates by the gottman institute is good as is becoming us by Ellie Taylor

You can do this but you have to pull together in the same direction

In our house I work 2.5 hours a day in the afternoon so I get a good couple of hours after the school run to have my me time.When dh gets in around 5 I'll do tea and he relaxes/ spends time with ds 6.When ds goes to bed at 7.30 we spend time together.

Mums whose partners are in high pressure (usually higher pay) jobs. These guys often arrive still ‘working’ in their heads - thinking about emails, maybe still making phone calls, etc. These guys do not help in the evenings, they don’t seem to have anything left to give and become angry when asked for assistance.

What rubbish. DH earns a lot of money. He's not a twat though

High salary does not excuse being a twat and 'not having anything left' is not an option when you have DC

Hear, hear! And I don’t believe for one minute that just because a man pitches in usually means that he is in a low-paid undemanding job! My DH certainly wasn’t. He still has work to do in the evenings but he got in and got stuck in with family stuff. Because it’s the right thing to do.

Yeah, how much a man earns isn’t a key factor in whether or not he’s a good parent/partner, or indeed a sexist dick.

My DH never had that luxury! Often, I was standing by the door waiting for him to come home and would hand the baby to him before he'd even had time to take his shoes off!

Hilarious that working out of the home all day is described as “baby free time”!!
Paid work is presumably vital for the household to survive? It doesn’t matter which partner is carrying that financial burden, they are working hard and with no doubt more demands from external sources than the SAHP.

If you are at home, you are your own boss much more than he is. There is almost a fetishisation nowadays of being a stay at home parent, it’s not that hard!

If he has a long commute that’s his relaxation after work time. Assuming he has a seat!

Jeez not quite the same but I can completely see where you're coming from. My DH does the same as yours.
DH (on the occasions that he is available and not working away completely) will have picked up DS1 from school. I come in from work with DS2 who I've picked up from nursery on the way back and DH is suddenly Extremely Busy and has Conference Calls that he CAN'T arrange for another time of the day. Bearing in mind this happens regularly. So I have to deal with a 6 year old and a 3 year old who are tired and hungry and I've not even got my coat off but DH shuts himself in a room with his laptop until I call him out for dinner.
Does my bloody nut in.
Excuse: (boils down to) I earn more than you.
FFS.

I have one of those high stress high salary jobs. Way easier than being home with a newborn and toddler, and I don't even know what's it like to add a lazy selfish husband to the mix.

Mums whose partners are in high pressure (usually higher pay) jobs. These guys often arrive still ‘working’ in their heads - thinking about emails, maybe still making phone calls, etc. These guys do not help in the evenings, they don’t seem to have anything left to give and become angry when asked for assistance.
Did your unhelpful dh tell you this ??
My dh manages 800 in his organisation and while it’s true that he doesn’t “switch off”
He still helps as soon as he gets in and that includes cleaning the kitchen after dinner , helping dd get ready for bed and taking / picking her up from school some days if he works from home.
Really no excuse

It’s quite worrying the amount of (presumably) women who seem to have gone back to the pinny, pipe and slippers era.

Hand him baby.
Go and get in a bath.
Or have your trainers on and go for a C2K jog (maybe more appropriate a bit further post-Partum)
Or take his car keys and say 'just popping to the shops' as he walks in. I used to bloody love an evening food shop.
Just make the kids his responsibilty, solo, for 1hr a day. You do the other 10/12/23...

Dh gets in from work. Quick hello and runs off to gym. Back by 7pm showers at gym. Spends some time with toddler does her bedtime. Then we have dinner. He then spends time with newborn dd then goes to bed around 10pm I follow at 11 after baby last feed.
Works well for us both as I get some time alone to shower relax etc after toddler in bed and he's with baby.

If it’s only half an hour or so I’d say that’s completely fair.

To be honest I’m childfree and I’m so exhausted after work I have no idea how people get home and are then expected to parent. I think my mental health would plummet if I had to to that.

I have one of those high stress high salary jobs. Way easier than being home with a newborn and toddler

Absolutely. Depending on the child, it can feel like you're on the edge of losing the plot completely. I used to describe it as like being underwater and breathing through a snorkel, and only when someone else was in charge of dc1 could I actually lift my head above water.

First time a friend took him out for 30 minutes, at a few months old, I sat on the floor and cried with relief.

He was an insanely intense baby though, and I was deep in post-natal anxiety and had crippling insomnia.

If dh had come home and not helped me, I honestly think I'd have had to go back and live with my mum!

All those SAHM's commenting how they didn't need a break as their little ones practically raised themselves...how helpful

I know what it's like to clock watch for my DH's return because baby has been grisly all day and I haven't stopped.

When he's through the door he uses the loo (sometimes I have to remind him not to watch loads of videos on his phone as he could be gone hours) and gets changed. He takes baby and I make us a coffee and we ask each other about our days. If I've had a tough one he insists I go up to have a bath in peace or if I know he has tonnes of work I'll pop baby in high chair in kitchen and feed baby tea/ make ours.

Bath time is his, last feed is me then we are both free agents. In the early days of sleep deprivation sometimes I'd just burst into tears when he got home, hand baby over and go up to nap, I never felt the need to ask if it was okay.

We both work in the same field so I can categorically say that looking after a child all day after a night of interrupted sleep is harder. I can pee in peace at work, drink a tea whilst it's still hot and have a quick moment to myself, doesn't happen at home.

YANBU.

My kids are older now and I was never a SAHM, but I'd say him getting in and making himself a coffee wouldn't bother me, but I wouldn't see why he couldn't make a coffee (5 mins) and then sit cuddling the newborn while he drank it. Half an hour farting about on the laptop seems unnecessary.

I am your husband! I need a while to adjust to being at home once I get home from work. Kind of to replenish and just settle for a bit.
HOWEVER, considering that at the moment you need all hands on deck as you have a hectic household I dont think its unreasonable for him to help. I totally get why it pisses you off - being a SAHM is exhausting, relentless and you dont get a break. At least at work you can pee in peace without little people banging on the door!

I think you need to talk to him and work out a compromise. Say- he can have 10 mins instead of 30, then he needs to be 100% present to help you. At least then you'll know its only another 10 minutes before you can have a break. Thats not unreasonable at all

Nope my DH doesn't do that. I had a newborn and a 17 month old and when I had my third I had a newborn, 2 year old and 3 old and DH would sometimes be met virtually on the doorstep :)

Parenting is a partnership. Yes your DH may work hard and yes he might have a commute but I'm sure your day starts early too and if its anything like mine was with a newborn then you are on the go all day long. My DH would often tell me where he'd been for lunch, the chats and laughs he'd had during the day and I would sometimes really resent him because I hadn't had time to eat let alone sit somewhere for an hour eating at leisure and I hadn't seen anyone all day.

In my opinion once DH is home, 10 mins to change clothes and make a drink and then it's all hands on deck until all the little people are in bed.

What if the Mum is the high pay parent in the stressful job does she get 30 mins when she gets in? DH was a SAHD.

If there was an immediate crisis I would pitch in otherwise I used to go up and change as that helped me get out of work mode. Even if I had work to do it would wait until later.

Part of the “just got to send some emails” is self importance and avoiding perceived parental drudgery.

I work in the City and it’s rare someone can’t wait for an email in the evening.