Do other people's OH's do this when they get home?

[Toomuchtooyoung01]

Currently a SAHM with newborn and 2.5yr old.
OH works full time, often does extra hours here and there as overtime pay is good. I'm very appreciative of him working hard, taking on the financial burden etc. After he's home I do baths and bedtime for both kids, am breastfeeding both of them (obviously newborn round the clock and toddler has fairly regular comfort feeds), he doesn't really need to do anything when he gets in but it would be really helpful if he held newborn etc so i could gave both hands to do whatever it is I'm trying to do. When he gets home, he will without fail say "let me get in, let me get in" and by this he means make himself a coffee, settle on the sofa with it, spend time tapping away on his work laptop, usually a good half an hour after he gets home before he's of any assistance.
It's not even a massive peeve, it's more I've had a rough day with the kids today and when I thought of him getting home in a while I realised actually I could add on an extra 30mins before I can expect any help and just wanted to know if this is usual in other households where one parent is working full time and the other is at home? Am I being unfair in sometimes feeling irritated by him desperately requiring coffee etc before he can be expected to hold one of his children so I can get on?

My children are grown up now. My DH used to have a cup of tea and watch the news then completely take over including bathing and putting our sons to bed.

When we had a toddler and a newborn DH used to come in, quick wash and change. We'd all eat together (obviously not newborn but I'd usually be feeding him while eating), he'd play with the kids while I cleaned up and then he'd do bath time so I had some quiet time to myself. Both of us would put them to bed then we'd crack on with the evening.

He was always hands on in the evening, and weekends, because he missed the children when he was at work.

Didn’t you say he was doing work emails? Is the problem that you don’t like seeing him work at home? I don’t quite understand this one.

I think it's outrageous. My husband gets home between 5.45-6.15 and he takes our 14 month old immediately. Bedtime is at 7. The baby is fed, changed ,teeth cleaned etc and he spends that hour playing/reading to him and puts him to bed.
He gets that I've also had a hard day and need a break.

We both work but I’m home first , he helps as soon as he gets in without fail

There’s no way I would have accepted this if my dH has ever tried it. When I was in your position, I did ALL night wakings and DH never did anything in the mornings childcare wise as he leaves the house at 6am and usually we were all just waking up between 6 and 7.

So, he got to sleep ALL night every night, get up and shower in peace, make himself a coffee and get dressed and drive to work in his own car with his own space and music. He got his time to himself in the mornings if you ask me! I also put the kids to bed (although he would read a story to one or the other once both were old enough)

When he came in in the evenings he knew it would be witching hour/time to get cooking/running kids’ baths (this is if he was home at all, often works away) and he would walk straight in and get stuck in. To be honest I would have lost respect for him if he had ever tried to fuck off upstairs for half an hour knowing I’d been responsible for the kids for the previous 19/20 hours. He had it good, and I think he knew it and so wouldn’t have slacked off just having come in from work.

We both work FT now and kids are teens. I do understand the desire to sit with a cuppa and chill after work before cooking etc and mine are of an age where I can do that. But when they are tiny, you simply can’t do that in the evenings, there is too much to do so you just need to keep going till you can relax after they’re asleep in bed. Why should OP opt out of that?

5 mins max to take coat/shoes off, go to the toilet/wash hands/get out of work clothes and put the kettle on and make YOU a cuppa. Doesn’t need any more time than that till later in my opinion. He has had his baby-free time ALL DAY.

Some nights when I had a newborn and a toddler, it was a small miracle that I didn't chuck one or both of them at him as he came in the door! DH was immediately in the thick of it, helping with bath, bums and bed, their tea having been done.

I've got kids of a similar age and my husband comes in and makes us both a coffee if everything calm. If not, he takes kids while I finish laundry/dishes then takes older one for bath/bed.

We either both have a coffee/sit down or neither one does.

My children are 18 months apart so I know how it feels having both children all day on mat leave, but equally I know how it feels when you’ve been out since 7am and just need a brew and to chill out for half an hour after work.

I don’t understand what’s so desperate and pressing that you need him to jump to attention on arriving home? Do you not sit down and have a brew with him? When I was on mat leave I’d usually stick the kettle on and we’d have a brew and a chat for half an hour, then he’d go and make dinner and I’d see to the children (I hate cooking).

Are you running an army camp or what? Looking after 2 small children is hard, but given you are mumsnetting it isn’t 24/7 now is it, let the man have half an hour.

Job aside,what doe he do as a partner and father? What time does he spend with his children?

Why is he not getting involved with bath and bedtime? He can bath them and read stories surely? He hasn’t seen them all day!

That would piss me off! YANBU. He needs to realise that with kids that age there is no luxury of 'let me get in' unfortunately!!

No, it's not normal. I'm not a sahm anymore but only work PT.
I wasn't at work today. DH got in from work and cooked us dinner, I tidied up after dinner while he played with DS and he's now gone to run DS bath.
We both sit down together to relax at 7/7.30pm.

It’s not fair but it is very common.

The people I know fall into two groups on this issue:

1. Mums whose partners have relatively undemanding (lower pay) jobs. These guys seem to still have emotional resource when they get in. They are immediately helpful and do bathtimes etc and their wives are baffled that any dad would not be like this.

1. Mums whose partners are in high pressure (usually higher pay) jobs. These guys often arrive still ‘working’ in their heads - thinking about emails, maybe still making phone calls, etc. These guys do not help in the evenings, they don’t seem to have anything left to give and become angry when asked for assistance. Often they expect to be fed.

🤷‍♀️ No judgement just how it is round here.

YABU as he's still working when he gets in. Also it's in my opinion easier being home with babies than being in work. Probably depends on the job I guess. Mine did nap at lunch so I used to have a lie down too.

YANBU in that he could help with children then work once they're in bed. I always had to do marking/planning after they were in bed.

Maybe just ask him if he could change the schedule slightly?

It depends a bit on his commute, I would say. My DH comes home pretty harassed every day because he can never get a seat on his train journey home and the whole thing is pretty stressful. I don't blame him for wanting to catch his breath.

Sometimes when I have had a bad day and a dreadful drive home, I am just too frazzled and need time to recalibrate, a commute isn't always the time to wind down and that breath catching time is very much appreciated.

I was the sahm with two small ones, sometimes I woul literally dump a child in his arms and disappear, other times I didn't need to. What annoyed me most was he would go upstairs whilst I was trying to serve tea with ankle biters at my feet.

But now we have swapped and I do sometimes just need 5 mins.

30mins is a long time though, maybe he will compromise with a shorter time.

It all depends. It's isn't fair to say 'my dh would never do this' as if it's black and white. My sister has a job (OT for the nhs) where she is absolutely broken every single evening when she walks in the door. She has chosen to not have dc because of it. On the other hand, I had an office job once where I sat around on Facebook all day and booked holidays.
It just all depends.

Mums whose partners are in high pressure (usually higher pay) jobs. These guys often arrive still ‘working’ in their heads - thinking about emails, maybe still making phone calls, etc. These guys do not help in the evenings, they don’t seem to have anything left to give and become angry when asked for assistance.

high salary does not excuse being a twat and 'not having anything left' is not an option when you have DC

I used to have to do this no kids then but after work and the commute I jsut needed some downtime before I could talk without arguments etc because I was tired form the day.

I understand you are tired of course but I know quite a few DH who need a 30min after work 'cool down' before they can be present

Wow, I'm amazed at people saying what he's doing is fine and so he should!
My children are the same age as your OP, except my DH now works from home - it is an unwritten rule in our house that 5pm onwards that he does his second job, being a daddy. Evenings are super busy, as you know so it's all hands to deck. He should be waiting for his sit down and coffee until the kids are in bed, just like you have to.
Before he worked from home I used to put 1st baby in his arms and walk off saying I had stuff to do (which I did) and it was his turn!

No. We carry equal load when both around.

The "wage earning man needs a break between commuting and parenting but stay at home mother to a baby and toddler does not need a break until her man is good and rested, if then" posters are straight from 1950!

It's very common indeed to pick your baby and toddler up from the childminder or nursery on your way home from work - do the parents doing that magically not need the break that special menz with SAH partners need?..

equally I know how it feels when you’ve been out since 7am and just need a brew and to chill out for half an hour after work.

No-one needs this. It’s a “nice to have” thing, the same way it would be nice for OP to hand both kids over to her DH and bugger off upstairs for some “me time”. But the kids do need to see that their dad is interested in them and doesn’t rush upstairs ignoring them after being away from them all day. Poor buggers.

I would love to have 30 min of downtime when I get home, but I don't think it's quite fair to sit on the sofa relaxing while DH runs around after the DC like a blue arsed fly. So I don't do it. Must be the lack of penis..