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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do other people's OH's do this when they get home?

465 replies

Toomuchtooyoung01 · 03/03/2020 16:49

Currently a SAHM with newborn and 2.5yr old.
OH works full time, often does extra hours here and there as overtime pay is good. I'm very appreciative of him working hard, taking on the financial burden etc. After he's home I do baths and bedtime for both kids, am breastfeeding both of them (obviously newborn round the clock and toddler has fairly regular comfort feeds), he doesn't really need to do anything when he gets in but it would be really helpful if he held newborn etc so i could gave both hands to do whatever it is I'm trying to do. When he gets home, he will without fail say "let me get in, let me get in" and by this he means make himself a coffee, settle on the sofa with it, spend time tapping away on his work laptop, usually a good half an hour after he gets home before he's of any assistance.
It's not even a massive peeve, it's more I've had a rough day with the kids today and when I thought of him getting home in a while I realised actually I could add on an extra 30mins before I can expect any help and just wanted to know if this is usual in other households where one parent is working full time and the other is at home? Am I being unfair in sometimes feeling irritated by him desperately requiring coffee etc before he can be expected to hold one of his children so I can get on?

OP posts:
CecileMilkins · 09/03/2020 12:58

I should add that I also used to require him to do all nappy changes when he was around (given I had to do most of them when he wasn’t), which he wasn’t keen on, but which I felt was important to make a point that he’s a parent too.

Fleamaker123 · 10/03/2020 10:21

ShockAsking husband to hoover when he comes in from work when I've been home all day
Come on....

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 10/03/2020 10:24

I thought that was a fair balance given he got lunch breaks at work.

I bet you did. He was at work all day, did the shopping, bathed the children and did stories and bedtime, then did the hoovering and the washing and did all of the night time wakings.

What did you do?

namechangedforthis1122 · 10/03/2020 11:35

Fucking hell your living the Dream aren't you

mbosnz · 10/03/2020 11:37

Wow. Why have I got the word 'whipped' reverberating in my head?

Fluffybutter · 10/03/2020 13:47

So what the hell did you do all day ?? Fucking hell , he must be exhausted

Ready4abreak · 10/03/2020 13:55

Other way round here. I work full time (or did before starting mat leave 2 weeks ago) and DH is SAHD.

Once through the door our DS was mine. I wanted it that way as I haven't seen him all day. Sometimes DH would disappear to have 30 mins to himself if a stressful day, otherwise he would cook dinner as he saw that as a break from being parent all day.

I do bath and bed, whilst DH does dishes, tidies and I help finish up once bedtime done. We both then sit down together.

It's the only fair way.

G5000 · 10/03/2020 13:57

When I was working full time and DH was a SAHD, I would of course also do my share of housework and childcare and all night wakings until the baby was weaned. Only normal. Why would the SAH parent need to work 24 hours and the working parent just 8, putting their feet up at home? Those men who claim that they are working SOOOOO hard in their comfy offices that they can't be asked to hoover or do any shopping and have to be met with pipe and slippers have a cushy life indeed.

Namechangexyz1 · 10/03/2020 14:03

A full time working working woman posted this about her DP who was a SAHD. She said she got in from work and he sat there on his arse and made coffee leaving her to her kids after she had been at work all day.

The yanbu was unanimous in that she had been out to work and he was a lazy git and should do something because she had been at work all day

Look what happens when sex is switched.

pipnchops · 10/03/2020 14:10

Cecile, you lost me at the point where he starts doing the laundry etc, surely that's easily done during the day? And hoovering when the kids are in bed? They must be heavy sleepers. And the bit where you say "you expected him to..." followed by a list of things he has to do. I think it sounds a bit like you're the oppisite end of the spectrum to the OP's partner.

mbosnz · 10/03/2020 14:14

I knew one person, who, their definition of what they felt was their 'job' in terms of being a SAHP, was solely related to childminding. Not keeping the house, not the washing and ironing, not the cooking etc.

I couldn't be doing with that. That was full on taking the proverbial. Especially since their partner had a full on demanding, very physical job.

pipnchops · 10/03/2020 14:22

Just to add, if he's happy with that arrangement and it works for you then obviously it's fine. Sorry, I read what I wrote back and it sounded a bit judgey which I have no right to do to someone I don't know.

4Smalls · 10/03/2020 14:46

When I was a small child my father used to come home from work and head straight upstairs for about 30 minutes before coming down to play with us, help our mum, etc etc. My mother used to say "he needs a few minutes to become himself". Even as a small child this didn't seem unreasonable to me, and it doesn't seem unreasonable to me now.

GoatCheeseTart · 10/03/2020 15:13

Even as a small child this didn't seem unreasonable to me

Yes but you must have been still quite old to remember that. Yes I can also now put my 5yo in front of TV now and take a break. But you can't tell a newborn and a 2-yo to amuse themselves.

4Smalls · 10/03/2020 15:18

@GoatCheeseTart Right, they can't amuse themselves. So, it means OP's looking after the children does have to go on that little bit longer. It's a drag for her, but am just saying her partner's attitude doesn't seem unreasonable, so long as he pitches in once he's had a chance to ... decompress.

GoatCheeseTart · 10/03/2020 15:37

I have 2 DC with about the same age gap, the baby was very clingy and un-put-downable, and toddler had a habit of throwing tantrums whenever things didn't happen to their schedule. I remember how intense the evenings can be.
OP clearly has things that she needs to do, maybe it's toddler's dinner time and she needs to prep and feed the older one - clearly it's a lot harder to do while also holding the newborn, and it would be very helpful if the other adult would just take the baby while he is reading his emails. He can decompress while holding the newborn, it's not like the baby wants to have a long complicated discussion about current affairs.

mathanxiety · 11/03/2020 05:51

The people saying that aren't bring open minded and accepting that different people have different needs, as you are saying.

When the two people described in the OP, with different needs, are parents of the same children, living in the same home, then the question ceases to be academic, and it was never about what anyone else's experience is or was to begin with.

Two people, married, have a baby and toddler. One is saying by his actions that his need for 30 minutes on the couch while his wife clearly has a lot on her plate trumps her need for a helping hand while she puts together a dinner for him and everyone else. He is saying that she needs to serve him, and what's more, do it essentially with one hand tied behind her back.

And some women here are not able to see the power play that is going on.

PoolsOfSunshineThroughTheGlass · 11/03/2020 06:24

Namechangexyz1 several working women with sahd partners have posted on the thread ,- the sex switch posts are never the "gotcha" that posters think they are.

The whole point is neither parent gets to sit on their arse ignoring the children and tapping away on the laptop playing "I'm the most important and stressed person and everyone must tread on eggshells around me until I'm ready to bless you lesser mortals with my very special attention". Neither of them. Very small children are usually at their most needy in the hours around dinner and bedtime. Decent parents both interact with their children and pull together during this time if they are in the house.

It sends a truly staggering message to the two year old that she must tread on eggshells around the Big Man of the House if she sees him sitting on the sofa with his laptop and a coffee and is under strict orders to leave him in peace while her mum juggles the baby and cooking the meal and tells the toddler not to disturb Daddy!

All he has to do is give his toddler a cuddle and hold the baby - done while sitting on the sofa - while his wife cooks, or greet the kids and go and start dinner to "decompress".

Silly sod has an office job - he can drink hot coffee all day!

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 11/03/2020 06:47

Silly sod has an office job - he can drink hot coffee all day!

Does he? Has the op said this?

My husband has to send in time sheets, complete job notes, write reports etc after work and definitely doesn't work in an office

Aridane · 11/03/2020 11:51

Where are these mythical office jobs?

JustInCaseCakeHappens · 11/03/2020 11:55

these 9 to 5 jobs with a 2 hour lunch break to run errands that we talk about so much on MN? God knows, I am still looking

LolaSmiles · 11/03/2020 13:25

these 9 to 5 jobs with a 2 hour lunch break to run errands that we talk about so much on MN? God knows, I am still looking
A number of my friends in technology/science companies seem to have these jobs. They have a certain number of hours they have to do in a week but flexibility within reason as to when it's done (often a large lunch window and a window of start/end times), so one of them works a short lunch and then leaves to pick the children up from school some days of the week, another is able to go home to walk their dogs in their lunch break.
It seems to work well because people can put dental checkups in the extended lunch window and then not have to file time off for it.

TheGreatWave · 11/03/2020 13:40

these 9 to 5 jobs with a 2 hour lunch break to run errands that we talk about so much on MN? God knows, I am still looking

I sort of have one, I work flexi so can have quite a bit of flexibility as to when I start and finish. I don't have to worry too much about cover for me or others so I can leave for lunch when I need to. The downside for me is that I live 30minutes away so not easy to pop out for the dentist, but I generally can make it work.

GoatCheeseTart · 11/03/2020 14:58

I would on the other hand like to understand where you can find a newborn and a 2-yo that allow you do have relaxing days at home with long leisurely lunch breaks. Were mine broken?

mathanxiety · 11/03/2020 19:01

Indeed, LOL at the idea that there is 'lunchtime' for mum when you have a newborn and toddler.

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