Do other people's OH's do this when they get home?

[Toomuchtooyoung01]

Currently a SAHM with newborn and 2.5yr old.
OH works full time, often does extra hours here and there as overtime pay is good. I'm very appreciative of him working hard, taking on the financial burden etc. After he's home I do baths and bedtime for both kids, am breastfeeding both of them (obviously newborn round the clock and toddler has fairly regular comfort feeds), he doesn't really need to do anything when he gets in but it would be really helpful if he held newborn etc so i could gave both hands to do whatever it is I'm trying to do. When he gets home, he will without fail say "let me get in, let me get in" and by this he means make himself a coffee, settle on the sofa with it, spend time tapping away on his work laptop, usually a good half an hour after he gets home before he's of any assistance.
It's not even a massive peeve, it's more I've had a rough day with the kids today and when I thought of him getting home in a while I realised actually I could add on an extra 30mins before I can expect any help and just wanted to know if this is usual in other households where one parent is working full time and the other is at home? Am I being unfair in sometimes feeling irritated by him desperately requiring coffee etc before he can be expected to hold one of his children so I can get on?

I honestly thought you were going to say he doesn't help at all. I'd agree half an hour isn't bad. If I ever go anywhere it takes me a while to jump back in, a long day at work is worse

YABU and YANBU. I have been in your position and it’s so hard, but put yourself in his shoes too: imagine if you arrived home after a journey/commute and you were immediately met with the demands of another frazzled person. He needs time to settle into home. I hate it when my husband gets in and immediately switches the laptop on - I thought he was home but his head’s still at work. But I also understand why he does it. He hates me moaning about it but he understands why I hate it. So we can talk about it rationally and meet each other halfway.

He probably doesn’t realise just how seriously draining caring for a toddler and baby all day is. If I were you I would have a serious chat with your husband and set out exactly how you feel about it all. Maybe he’ll see his way to some sort of compromise.

I asked on here if i was BU about expecting a little more help and got my arse handed to me on a plate...

REally? I'm surprised by that. He sounds like a dickhead

I get plenty of down time with my newborn (well she's 3 Months now) and my 20 month old. When they napped I got to have a nice little sit down or my toddler is happy to play while I sit with the baby and chill. Yeah SAHM life can be hard some days but not as hard as when I worked full time and had to sort kids when I came home but maybe that's just me

Does he ignore the kids for 30minutes? I can't imagine any mum (and any decent dad) coming home from work, sitting in another room 'chilling' after not seeing their dc all day. Regardless of how tired I was/am I can't wait to see dc at the end of the day. He needs to step up and parent. Do you plan to go back to work?

I am a breastfeeding SAHM, and when I do bedtime I expect DH to take over as soon as he gets home. He gets 2 hours to himself while I get kids off to sleep. I get 1 hour off between him getting home and bedtime. That seems more than fair.

I find it helpful to think of equal time off. So add up the time he gets to have a coffee when he gets in, take a shower in peace, watch telly while you put the kids to sleep, to read a book, meet friends or go to the gym on the weekend. And make sure he takes the kids for an equal amount of time.

Depending on how you want to arrange things for your family, this could be balanced on a day to day basis, or across the week if you don't think you can fit the off for yourself into a weekday. I've found it useful to exclude sleep from these calculations, so you each get as much sleep as you need, or as much as you can if breastfeeding. Then anything beyond that is split equally, you have both been working all day.

Yep my husband comes home and then disappears up to the toilet for 20 minutes leaving me with a tired toddler shouting for daddy while I try and finish off tea. Drives me loopy. Like a PP said, I don’t get a 30 minute break!

He's away from his kids all day, walks in, then ignores them for the first 30 minutes? Next time hand him the baby and say you need a bath, then lock yourself in.

My BIL walks in and the kids are all over him until dinner time. They eat together, then he usually does bath and stories, while my sister tidies up. It's two to three hours of parenting, then they both get their free time.

If he’s on his work lap top he’s still working even though at home. Are you expecting him to do that work later at night, or maybe come home later and finish it at work? What’s your thoughts on when he would be permitted to do this work?

And is it work that actually has to be done or is he one of those types who is just happier working than parenting and so conveniently “needs to just check this/send this/answer this”

OH Katy do go off and educate yourself.

Why not sit with him, then start all the evening stuff?

Depends on what time he gets home, but in our case it's frantic when we get home - dinner and bedtime. Sitting for half an hour simply isn't an option.

Oh gosh no. We shared mat leave. On my mat leave DH would immediately go to the loo and then take over care of DS so I could get stuff done. Then I did the same on his parental leave

@AryaStarkWolf Yup, really!! Put me off AIBU for a while

Anyway... he's an ex now so...

Nope. I have a newly 3 year old and a 9 month old. Also a SAHM. DP gets home around 6 but sometimes later. It's slightly different for us as DS has ASD so I've also got the added task of SALT, finding things for him, etc. I run around literally all day trying to keep on top of things. As soon as DP gets home, he starts seeing to the kids, starts bath time etc. I rarely get 5 minutes to myself during the day. When he starts bathing the kids, I tidy up, gold washing leftover, do the dishes and wipe around. We basically divide and conquer so that when both kids are alseep, we can both collapse on the sofa to either watch TV together or read etc. DP has a demanding job (project manager) but he also knows that I have a lot more of a mental load especially with dealing with DS's appointments, school stuff, a busy and demanding baby who doesn't sleep.

Newborn and toddler is HARD. Where exactly is your 30 minutes? You could both have 10 minutes each when he gets home then start mucking in together.

What’s your thoughts on when he would be permitted to do this work?

When I need to work in the evening then I do it when DC are in bed, I would guess most working parents would prefer to spend some time with their DC in the evening?

It depends a bit on his commute, I would say. My DH comes home pretty harassed every day because he can never get a seat on his train journey home and the whole thing is pretty stressful. I don't blame him for wanting to catch his breath.

katy1213 why is op BU to breastfeed her toddler and newborn??

I'm the working parent and the 45 min drive home is my quiet time. same when I was on the tube for over an hour and listening to a podcast or reading the paper ..
the 30 min to an hour lunch break was also time out which my wife wasnt getting at home -so I thoroughly expect to get straight Into helping out the second i'm through the door! he needs to step up.

Why are there so many people saying his behaviour is ok?! How many men and women work FT and go straight from work to nursery then home? I know I do, and I can't just lounge around for half an hour, ignoring the baby because I want to wind down from my day or finish a few emails. Jesus Christ! If you want to do extra hours on the laptop, you do so after the baby is in bed - that is certainly my life and the life of many of my friends and family. I can only imagine the vitriol towards a mother who behaved like this. Why does his penis ownership mean he should get mollycoddled and to opt out of domestic labour?

SheWolfofFrance
That's lovely for you but not the reality for everyone.
I'm a SAHM to a 3 year old and a 9 month old. The baby doesn't nap much at all except in the car and my toddler has ASD, GDD, non verbal, very rarely naps but only in the car. Life is hectic and I'm barely holding it together some days, even with a wonderful partner. It's not always rainbows and butterflies.

Mine is, and always has been the same. We have 3 dc age 7, 6 and 2. All are a handful in different ways. I have not had any time to myself for 7 years, nor does he help out. I'm starting work when youngest goes to nursery in September and if it continues I will be laying down the law because I am physically and mentally burnt out.

God that would piss me off. I had a very high needs baby and was counting the minutes till xh came home. If I couldn't have shared the load when he got in, I'd have either cried or screamed.

When I worked and he didn't, I'd mentally prepare myself on the way home so I could take over for a while once I got in, to give him a break.

Our dc were WAY harder than any paid work I've ever done.

spend time tapping away on his work laptop
since when is working your way of "winding down"?

So many threads when the poster complains that the father is not up to scratch with the kids, but when it's a SAHM it's impossible to cope without help...

Why not sit with him, then start all the evening stuff?

Depends on what time he gets home, but in our case it's frantic when we get home - dinner and bedtime. Sitting for half an hour simply isn't an option.

Actually I think it’s not a bad idea to just sit with him on the sofa and only when he starts doing all that stuff, should the OP move to do it too. It might drive the point home that what he’s actually doing by sitting on the sofa is waiting for OP to do it all.