Do other people's OH's do this when they get home?

[Toomuchtooyoung01]

Currently a SAHM with newborn and 2.5yr old.
OH works full time, often does extra hours here and there as overtime pay is good. I'm very appreciative of him working hard, taking on the financial burden etc. After he's home I do baths and bedtime for both kids, am breastfeeding both of them (obviously newborn round the clock and toddler has fairly regular comfort feeds), he doesn't really need to do anything when he gets in but it would be really helpful if he held newborn etc so i could gave both hands to do whatever it is I'm trying to do. When he gets home, he will without fail say "let me get in, let me get in" and by this he means make himself a coffee, settle on the sofa with it, spend time tapping away on his work laptop, usually a good half an hour after he gets home before he's of any assistance.
It's not even a massive peeve, it's more I've had a rough day with the kids today and when I thought of him getting home in a while I realised actually I could add on an extra 30mins before I can expect any help and just wanted to know if this is usual in other households where one parent is working full time and the other is at home? Am I being unfair in sometimes feeling irritated by him desperately requiring coffee etc before he can be expected to hold one of his children so I can get on?

My OH doesn’t do this, mainly because my 3 year old leaps on him the second he gets home, but I wouldn’t mind if he did, he has a stressful job (I used to do the same job and I find parenting my two easier than that- not easy, just overall less stressful), and I think it’s reasonable to have a half hour unwind. As long as he’s helpful after that. Or maybe if he’s home bang on bedtime maybe he could help straight away but then have some down time later?

There is almost a fetishisation nowadays of being a stay at home parent, it’s not that hard!

Presumably you have never done it with a very difficult child and a small age gap between two. it is emotionally hard. Very. Lonely too, as most other adults work. Many women get PND.

I’d have been so pissed off of DH had tried that shit. I’ve been at work and I’ve been at home and you simply don’t have the luxury of relaxing for half an hour with a toddler and a newborn. You do at work. Even very busy and important email- late -at -night work like the OP’s DH. He needs to step the fuck up. He’s being selfish and withholding in my view. You’re supposed to be a team.

Do you get an equal amount of break time?

In our house DH gets home, changes clothes, uses loo and then plays with 14 month old while I make dinner or makes dinner at least 2x a week while I play and then we eat, then he does bath time while I check out for 20 minutes. Then we do bedtime together and he puts 14 month old to sleep while I tidy up or have a bath etc then we both chill out for a bit, sometimes together sometimes separately. He has his commute to finish emails/read/listen to podcasts and says he would rather spend the time with DS when home. It’s definitely a struggle for him to leave work on time as there’s always some arse who wants to extend a meeting past 5pm, but he has good boundaries and prioritisation with that sort of thing. If it were me in your shoes I’d be having a frank conversation about needs vs wants and working out an evening schedule that values your time as much as his. It’s 2020 and you’re not her indoors just because you’re a SAHP, or on mat leave.

Not like that in my house. My husband is hands on the second he walks in the door really. He’s amazing. Sometimes he takes over completely so I can have a bath whilst he does supper and story time etc

Nope! I'm not a SAHM but currently on mat. leave and also have a 3yo and a 5yo.

When DH comes in from work he jumps straight in with bedtime, or if w children are already in bed he'll start on the tea while I'm feeding the baby.

He wants to see the children and they want to see him! He gets a chance to sit down and relax after they're in bed. I wouldn't be impressed if he faffed about making coffee! Does he at least make you a coffee as well?!

Presumably you have never done it with a very difficult child and a small age gap between two. it is emotionally hard. Very. Lonely too, as most other adults work. Many women get PND

I agree. Its incredibly hard. My two are 26 months apart and I had no family at all to help me. It was lonely, isolating (I was the first amongst my friends to have kids) and relentless. I felt like I was on a never ending treadmill of feeds, keeping a toddler entertained and struggling to get out of the house every day. Add to that healing from birth, PND, no family support and H working long hours and it was hellish. I could barely get 5 mins to myself to shower! I envied other parents who had grandparents pop round so they could have a nap. It is emotionally and physically exhausting- add sleep deprivation to that mix and its so hard. Hats off to new mums- you work very very hard.

This is ridiculous - I am the wiring parent and my dh is the sahp in our family and I come in and take over immediately to the point where if I need the loo our dc tends to follow me! I have a commute on public transport and a busy stressful job with constant work, people and responsibility and when I get home I often have work to still do which I do after my dc goes to bed. I will never have this time again so I do what I have to more because I know that it won't be forever but your dh is just taking the mick. I think you need to suddenly find urgent tasks to do outside the home as soon as he gets in a couple of evenings a week!!!

30 mins in the evening when you’ve got two young kids is a lot of time.

He’s taking the piss.

Or take his car keys and say 'just popping to the shops' as he walks in. I used to bloody love an evening food shop.

I used to do this when I was on mat leave with kids same age as the OP's - I just needed a break! SAHP can be so much more relentless than working.

I do now have a full time, stressful job with long/extra hours so I know what it's like to do both! I'm exhausted when I walk in, and unless the DC are asleep (like tonight) I can't just sit down and get my laptop back out until they are asleep.

I have a people focussed job which means I'm out of the house for 24 hour stretches (leave at 11:00, 45 minute drive to work, work 12:00-22:00, on call at work but allowed to sleep - bedroom provided - 22:00-06:00 (obviously not actually able to go to bed at 22:00, usually between 23:00 and midnight depending what's happening, up at 5:15 to shower and dress and be working by 06:00) work 06:00- 10:00 but usually 10:30 because of handover, drive home, arrive at 11:15 or so if I haven't done the supermarket shop on the way home, 12:30 if I have.

If it's a Friday to Saturday the kids swarm me the moment I get in. They're pre teens and teens. I wouldn't dream of telling them to sod off for half an hour while I had time with my laptop.

Is it only special "high earners" who some MN posters at this time in the evening think are somehow incapable of parenting immediately after commuting? Why on earth would that be? 25 years ago I had an office job which was soul destroyingly pointless, being all about making rich people richer, but very well paid indeed and didn't render me incapable of being a human being after my London commute any more than my current very different, more fulfilling but worse paid one does!

DP was always straight in and keen to see the baby/toddler, after a long day and long commute. You can’t be a parent only when it’s convenient for you!

Does he go on the laptop because he has to finish work emails? I remember the guilt off always being the one leaving the office early because I had to be back for the nursery run. I would always invariably log in when I got home, as I wanted to show that I was still committed. My employer was brilliant but I was embarrassed to always be the first one out

I just couldn't imagine my husband doing that. When the kids were babies he would walk in get changed and take baby or toddler then do a switch for bedtime so he spent time with both.
Sometimes take both if I cooked dinner and without fail he cleared the kitchen every night so it was clean to come down to. Frankly I wouldn't accept anything less. It was really tough at that age and he knew work was the easier option!! I think also if you both "work" in the evening with the kids you then get to switch off at the same time together later in the evening.
I've never understood the posts I've read here where someone (usually the SAHM) is slaving away until 10/11pm while their other half is merrily crashed in front of the TV, playing on phone etc!!

I think he’s saying he’s more important than you.
I’d give him both kids and go out.
Cheeky sod!!!

Fuck that shit. I get home and manage to turn on being mummy and let my nanny go home. I don’t piss around for 30 mins. I am home so I check in with my kids and give them the little time I’ve got. DH the same even when I was on mat leave. Even if he got home at 1am (which wasn’t uncommon when our twins were tiny). He is a Parent. So parent.

I don't think either parties are being unreasonable. Some people need to decompress after work (if I don't have 15/20 minutes alone time my anxiety and depression flares up, call me selfish all you want but I know my limits). You need to have this conversation with him, calmly and collected. Discuss what you both want and need and reach a compromise.

This is not ok. Not at all.

You probably can't even pee alone.

And he gets to commute without children. THAT's his downtime after work frankly. He can drive his car in peace, listening to what he wants to listen to, or sit on a train and do so. He can drink coffee while he's commuting.

when he gets home, time's up and he needs to throw in with HIS children. His job doesn't end when he leaves the office while yours is round the clock unless he deems to 'help'.

hand him the baby when he gets home and tell him to get over himself.

Why can’t he sit there chilling out holding his own child at the same time?

^This

Riverviews he's not leaving early for the nursery pick up though is he? The toddler and baby are at home with OP. He's getting in and insisting on being left on peace to go on his laptop with a coffee without the explanation of having left the office at a set time to fetch the children from childcare. Wtf is "let me get in" about? "Let me get in means let me get through the door and take my shoes and coat off, possibly change clothes if in a suit which needs to be kept clean so as not to dry clean daily, or work clothes which might be dirty/ carrying germs. That's it. The rest can be done later. Kids first.

Why isn't the 2.5 year old running to daddy for a cuddle as he opens the door? Has she been trained to leave important daddy alone when he comes home until he signals that he has time for her?

I am your DH in this scenario. I have a very stressful job (not a high earner though!) and a long commute on top of a 12hr shift. I am exhausted when I get home and I always take half an hour to do absolutely nothing. Sometimes on the sofa, sometimes I even lie on my bed. I literally could not jump straight into having more demands placed on me the second I walk through the door.

And for the PP who said his commute is his down time, it really isn’t. I have a 50 mile drive often in chaotic traffic and poor conditions at this time of year. Hardly relaxing!

SAHM here, since eldest was born 5yrs ago.
I try my utmost to get both kids in bed before DH gets in at 7.
If I can’t or don’t then the VERY most he ever does is a goodnight kiss.
I never expect or ask him to do more. This is partly because he wears expensive suits that I don’t want them getting trashed by the kids, but also because I honestly see it as my job.
I know you can argue that my hours are longer, its tough at home alone with 2 children etc but I also remember very well what it’s like working a demanding job, where you don’t really switch off. The last thing I would have wanted to do when I got in after a 12 hour+ day is change a nappy or deal with a tantrum.
Plus, the upside is that we get to spend the evening together and both chill because the kids are in bed and he spends that bit of time getting showered and changed.
The weekend is when I ‘expect’ him to take over, give me a lie in and his share and then some.
This arrangement seems to work for us.

YANBU

I'm a SAHM and when my DH gets home from work I am so relieved to finally get some help. As soon as I see his car pull into the drive I feel a huge weight lift. He walks in the door and immediately he's occupying the DCs, playing with them or giving them a cuddle and having a chat about their days, and I have a bit of a breather to get dinner ready without one child hanging off me and the other demanding snacks! I would be gutted if he came in and just got himself a coffee, got his lap top out left me to carry on doing everything by myself. In fact, I'd be livid.

As soon as he's home it's family time and it's all hands to the deck until the DCs are in bed and even then neither of us will sit down and relax until the house is straight again.

The way he sees it and always has is that we've both been hard at work all day, he just gets paid, gets lunch breaks, has a chance to go to the toilet on his own and drink hot drinks without having to microwave them 50 times!

Do you ever leave your DH to get on with it all while you take a break? If not, do so and hopefully he'll understand how hard it is!

Yabu but only in the sense that he's having to tell you to let him get in and have his half an hour.
Let him get in an have his half an hour THEN insist on yours. Gives your point alit more weight.
It's my pet hate to walk in a door and be needed instantly I at least like to turn my self round to switch on or off from one mode to the next. Because I hate it I always let others have their moment too.

I work FT, but when I was on maternity leave the first thing DH would do when he got home would be wash his hands/change clothes if needed (he is a tradesman so needs a wash when he gets home), then he'd be straight to playing/feeding/bathing ds, or if he was bf'ing he'd put the dinner on until he could get him.

Working all day he would miss him and actively want to spend those couple of precious hours with him before bedtime.

Once I was back working we both were keen to spend time with ds in the evenings and bath time became dh's thing to do with him. I would have really struggled to understand if he didn't prioritise time with ds before bedtime above unwinding alone. Playing with your child after not seeing them all day should be all the unwinding you need!