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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do other people's OH's do this when they get home?

465 replies

Toomuchtooyoung01 · 03/03/2020 16:49

Currently a SAHM with newborn and 2.5yr old.
OH works full time, often does extra hours here and there as overtime pay is good. I'm very appreciative of him working hard, taking on the financial burden etc. After he's home I do baths and bedtime for both kids, am breastfeeding both of them (obviously newborn round the clock and toddler has fairly regular comfort feeds), he doesn't really need to do anything when he gets in but it would be really helpful if he held newborn etc so i could gave both hands to do whatever it is I'm trying to do. When he gets home, he will without fail say "let me get in, let me get in" and by this he means make himself a coffee, settle on the sofa with it, spend time tapping away on his work laptop, usually a good half an hour after he gets home before he's of any assistance.
It's not even a massive peeve, it's more I've had a rough day with the kids today and when I thought of him getting home in a while I realised actually I could add on an extra 30mins before I can expect any help and just wanted to know if this is usual in other households where one parent is working full time and the other is at home? Am I being unfair in sometimes feeling irritated by him desperately requiring coffee etc before he can be expected to hold one of his children so I can get on?

OP posts:
saraclara · 03/03/2020 17:43

Where's your half hour to sit down with a coffee?

If I'm honest, most of the time as a SAHM I had no problem having downtime with a coffee during the day. Or down time at a friend's house drinking coffee. Yes there were a few insane periods, but mostly, let's be honest, being a SAHM isn't without it's relaxing or fun times.

My daughter, as I did, meets her friends at least twice a week, and has friends round at other times. She's responsible for my grandbaby all the time, but not 'at work' every minute of the day in the sense that most people would understand work. Just as I wasn't back when she was a tot.

My DH needed time to nip to the loo and change his clothes, but in general, found his commute gave him enough time to get into home mode. But not everyone's the same.

Unreasonablyextravagant · 03/03/2020 17:45

I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable here, as loads of people have already pointed out it is difficult to switch gears the minute you come in the door.

However most stay at home parents have no option but to drop all and tend to their children as soon as needed, whether they’re busy with something else or not and most do not have the luxury of half an hour to unwind before bedtime.

You both need to have some flexibility. I do think you should try to give him 10-15 mins (not half an hour!!) to get changed etc but he should also expect to jump straight in if you’ve had a difficult afternoon.

No two days are the same and it’s part of parenting to adapt as needed so he needs to prepared to do so.

LoveIsLovely · 03/03/2020 17:46

My husband would never do this in a million years and I feel sorry for any woman defending this shitty behaviour, what low standards you set for yourselves.

Ydl22 · 03/03/2020 17:47

Dh comes in, potters about in the kitchen for 5 mins then goes upstairs to shower and shave. This takes him around 30/40 mins, sometimes more. I usually write off the first hour after he’s back.

Parky04 · 03/03/2020 17:50

I couldn't wait to get home to cuddle my newborn or play with the elder one. I'm so glad we didn't have mobile phones back then otherwise I may have been tempted to look at my phone. He should show more interest he is their dad after all!

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 03/03/2020 17:52

I think it's more the timing of his unwinding break that's the issue.

The OP has had her hands full with the DC all day and is probably longing just to go to the loo in peace or put a wash on without having to think about the DC! I think it would make more sense for him to come in, change, grab a coffee if he likes one right after work and then take over with the kids for a hour so you can get a few things done, get dinner going, etc. Once the DC are fed, bathed and in bed, you can both have some downtime.

You both need and deserve a break, just not at that crucial time of day.

KatharinaRosalie · 03/03/2020 17:53

most of the time as a SAHM I had no problem having downtime with a coffee during the day.

Of course jobs are different, but in my 20something years of working, I have not been in a job where I can't take a coffee break during the day yet.

Sunnyjac · 03/03/2020 17:54

How long is his journey home? That’s my wind down time before collecting the kids. Totally understand that need from him but actually you need it too!

DryHeave · 03/03/2020 17:58

What’s his commute like? We’re lucky enough to have a walking commute so can expect to have decompressed on the way home. If it was a long or stressful drive, I wouldn’t expect immediate assistance unless there was a (metaphorical) fire to put out.

marmitepasta · 03/03/2020 17:59

I think he is taking the piss.

Ok 5 mins to get changed and make a drink but then he needs to be getting stuck in with the kids esp as you have a baby and a newborn.

I would go mental if my dh did this. But he wouldn't because he knows I've been on my own all day and I need help!

meow1989 · 03/03/2020 17:59

My DH commutes 90miles round to work, gets in, plays with toddler whilst we chat all together, helps with bath time and books and we do bedtime together (not because he's not capable himself, because it's nice to have a bit of family time). I work 3 days a week.

Settlersofcatan · 03/03/2020 18:00

I'm surprised he is able to do that - my 3 year old would not allow my DH to ignore him for half an hour!

SunshineCake · 03/03/2020 18:05

No. We had a newborn, an under two and a just turned four child and the minute dh got in he would crack on with what needed doing. Heavens I didn't even have to tell him what needed doing or ask him if he'd do something.

Aridane · 03/03/2020 18:06

YABU - or if you’re not, then I am like your DH - ie get in, have a piss, have a Diet Coke, log on and finish the work / emails etc I didn’t quite finish before heading out of the office. Then I’m all yours

Dozer · 03/03/2020 18:10

With DC of that age it’s a selfish luxury to always have “down time” at that busy stage of the evening, at your direct expense. Also crappy parenting.

Cotswolds10 · 03/03/2020 18:11

Yep, mine did the same. Except the ‘getting in’ lasted all evening. Years of begging, pleading, breaking down, threatening divorce didn’t change the situation. He’s now my ex. Yours sounds a lot better, OP, but I understand it’s infuriating.

Giroscoper · 03/03/2020 18:11

After he's home I do baths and bedtime for both kids

So when is he ready to pitch in? It isn't "help" that word implies the children are your sole responsibility. He is a parent, he is equally as responsible.

I imagine you would love to be able to plonk your arse down on the sofa for 30 minutes with a coffee whilst he did the bath time.

KatharinaRosalie · 03/03/2020 18:11

While your DH is breastfeeding a newborn and trying to feed and do bedtime for your toddler, Ariadne?

TheWordmeister · 03/03/2020 18:12

My dh is one of those dads who would sweep in and take over immediately.

I have to say, now I work I realise I’d have not been up to it like he was.

Fishcakey · 03/03/2020 18:12

Being a SAHM is much easier than working full time. Cut him some slack.

ICouldHaveBeenAContender · 03/03/2020 18:13

He commutes 1.5 hours. Is he driving or on a train? Either way, that's his 'transition time'. On a train, he might be able to do some simple emails, maybe on his phone if it's too crowded to get his laptop out. Does he phone you on the way, to see how your day has been, and if you need anything?

Could he put off his 'finishing work' until later? I get that he wants to draw a line under it so he can enjoy the rest of his evening, but would anything terrible happen if he didn't do his emails at that point in time?

Sounds like his working day extends well into his own personal time. Point out how many hours he's actually working and ask him to recalculate his hourly rate!

Reginabambina · 03/03/2020 18:14

It’s normal to get hone, get undress etc. Not normal to get home and ignore your family for half an hour.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/03/2020 18:14

It depends really.
If you get 30 mins to rest during the day (I did when I was a sahm to that age children as they both had a nap for two hours at the same time) then I think this is fine. If not, then all hands on deck. Just be fair to each other.
A friend of mine used to say to her dh, have half an hour rest before you come in, whether it's go for a run, or pub for a pint; so that when you come in, you're ready to be hands on.

Dozer · 03/03/2020 18:15

Caring for a newborn and 2.5yo is harder work than most jobs.

OP SAH is facilitating her DH to be a parent and work as though he had no DC. To the detriment of her earning power. The set up can work well, but this kind of crap from her H is one of the big risks.

shushymcshush · 03/03/2020 18:15

Hmmm whilst its important that those working get down time, it sounds as if him dictating when that takes place is very unhelpful, especially at tea time. The sight of him sitting there tappy tap on laptop would annoy me.

However, I'm a firm believer in that if you need them to do something, you need to tell them and train them. They can't mind read.

Tell him that tea time is the busiest time, you want him to help. Be specific. Get him to help in the kitchen - he's already there making himself a coffee. Get him to set the table or something, supervise the kids washing their hands ready for dinner etc.

It can be done. DH has today used his initiative an on way home from work picked up DS prescription, so we don't have to go out later. I nearly passed out with amazement!

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