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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I couldn't hate my husband any more than I do right now

176 replies

Oliveorangutan · 29/02/2020 23:13

We went out for an evening, everything was fine. I stupidly made a factual comment about something that happened last year that he did that really hurt me.

He went mad. Threw his drink down and shouted at me to f off. He then disappeared for over half an hour, leaving me on my own in the dark in the middle of town. When he comes back to the car, he is furious with me, tells me he hates me, he doesn't love me and only is around for the dc.

I am in bits. Even if he apologises tomorrow, I can never unhear all those things.

OP posts:
june2007 · 29/02/2020 23:17

I expect he is hurt to you were bringing up the past reopening wounds. Perhaps he thought it was over, perhaps he still has feelings about this. You both sound angry so I think you both need to talk about how you are making each other feal and how you can move forward.

Mummyshark2019 · 29/02/2020 23:17

Ltb

looondonn · 29/02/2020 23:17

No
You go

Get the fck away
What scum :(

Wineandpyjamas · 29/02/2020 23:17

I’m so sorry. Regardless of what you said that reaction is completely out of line. Had he been drinking?

Sleep on it but then I think you and he need to have a very serious conversation. Out of interest, what was it that caused you to bring up the incident from last year? Unmumsnetty Flowers

Waveysnail · 29/02/2020 23:19

Was he drunk?

PickAChew · 29/02/2020 23:19

What was the incident? Clearly not something you'd brush under the carpet, whatever his hopes.

Original poster
Oliveorangutan · 29/02/2020 23:19

No, he wasn't drunk

OP posts:
daffodilbrain · 29/02/2020 23:20

I think you touched a nerve alright. Try and get some sleep and deal with it in the cold light of day x

Ellisandra · 29/02/2020 23:21

I don’t understand the point about leaving you on your own in the middle of town in the dark? You were in a bar?

It sounds like he did something bad last year, but isn’t in the least bit sorry. Should he be? It certainly sounds like he’s not very nice to you - and you shouldn’t put up with it. But you haven’t actually explained much.

Kikkoman · 29/02/2020 23:22

wow he certainly battered you verbally didn’t he? I’d ask him when he is leaving.

Dig deep for your self respect

Elieza · 29/02/2020 23:23

Um, both of you could have handled that better, sorry.

Do you usually bring up the past a year later on a night out when you’re supposed to be out enjoying yourselves? Whatever it was should have been discussed at the time or dealt with over the next few eeeks or in counselling or whatever and sorted and you should have moved on by now instead of casting it up again to guilt trip him or something. It should have been finished and if you couldn’t forgive him or he didn’t apologise you should have left him if it was important to you.

That being said, he really shouldn’t have blown up like that. But perhaps the truth is in what he said. Even if he was horrible about it? That it’s time to go your separate ways?

Sorry OP, sounds like things arent the best. Everyone deserves to be happy. Perhaps it’s time to think about what you both want.

Original poster
Oliveorangutan · 29/02/2020 23:25

I feel like incidents keep happening that he expects me to forgive and forget straight away but the minute I say something he doesn't like, he will destroy me and tells me he HATES me. Tonight was the last straw though, he told me he didn't love me Sad

OP posts:
steff13 · 29/02/2020 23:26

My personal belief is that if you choose to forgive something, it's over; you don't bring it up again. So if your "factual comment" was about a past transgression that you'd chosen to forgive, I don't think it was fair to bring it up. That doesn't excuse his behavior, though.

In this case, it sounds like your marriage is over. I wouldn't be able to unhear those things either.

Thisismytimetoshine · 29/02/2020 23:30

Wrong time and place for both of you. His reaction was extreme, but I don’t know why you felt the need to refer to the incident in a “factual” way when you’d gone out to have a good time?
Was it the first time you’d brought it up?

MashedSpud · 29/02/2020 23:33

Someone who loves you wouldn’t say and do those things.

Mamato2gorgeousboys · 29/02/2020 23:35

What did you say for him to react like that? Did he cheat and you brought it up? I ask as it must have been something awful for him to have had such a strong reaction. He sounds like he was a total dick anyway!

saraclara · 29/02/2020 23:35

OP has said she shouldn't have brought it up, so I'm not sure why people are going on about it like they've just thought of it.

I'm afraid that it is over, OP. But don't blame yourself. If it hadn't been this that sparked it off, it'd have been something else.

Ellisandra · 29/02/2020 23:36

So you’ve previously accepted him telling him he hates you, but for some reason him saying he doesn’t love you has made you crack?

You don’t seem to want to actually give much information. But I will say that any relationship where people are using the word hate, is dead in the water.

KaleidoscopeEyes · 29/02/2020 23:36

It's easy to say you can forgive and move on - not so easy when it happens though, and you've been hurt.

What did he do?

Bflatmajorsharp · 29/02/2020 23:37

steff13 I'm not sure that forgiveness works like that. It's a two way process - the forgiveness needs to be received as well as given, meaning that the person being forgiven needs to engage properly with whatever the issue is.

It's not really possible to forgive if your feelings aren't accepted by the other person.

CalleighDoodle · 29/02/2020 23:38

Youre not over whatever he did last year.

Just leave now.

Orangecake123 · 29/02/2020 23:38

Honestly his reaction reminds me of my own father down to the walking off.

It was horrible living like you were walking on egg shells as anything could set him off. More then anything it was the feeling of being unsafe which I'm sure your kids will pick up on.

You deserve so much than this OP.

BigChocFrenzy · 29/02/2020 23:39

LTB

because he keeps shouting he hates you and will destroy you

Nothing justifies that, certainly not repeatedly

Listen to what he is saying

NotTerfNorCis · 29/02/2020 23:39

He shouldn't say he hates you. And you say you hate him. You need to think about whether the relationship is worth it.

FishingPaws · 29/02/2020 23:39

@Oliveorangutan - your last post makes it sound as though there are a back story and a pattern here, that's generally not a good combination!

The hurt you --> convince you to forgive --> expect it never to mentioned -> repeat process doesn't suggest a healthy relationship, maybe you need to think about your relationship as a whole and see if it's a good one or not.