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Original poster

To think I couldn't hate my husband any more than I do right now

176 replies

Oliveorangutan · 29/02/2020 23:13

We went out for an evening, everything was fine. I stupidly made a factual comment about something that happened last year that he did that really hurt me.

He went mad. Threw his drink down and shouted at me to f off. He then disappeared for over half an hour, leaving me on my own in the dark in the middle of town. When he comes back to the car, he is furious with me, tells me he hates me, he doesn't love me and only is around for the dc.

I am in bits. Even if he apologises tomorrow, I can never unhear all those things.

OP posts:
Nanna50 · 01/03/2020 07:38

So tell him to pack his bags and leave or make plans to leave yourself.

I don’t agree with bringing up the past, I don’t know why his reaction was so extreme but who wants to live with a man who doesn’t love them and hates them?

Shoxfordian · 01/03/2020 07:40

Sounds like your relationship isn't great anyway op
How are things this morning? Can you look into your options for leaving him?

PatchworkElmer · 01/03/2020 07:43

This doesn’t sound like a healthy environment for anyone OP, especially your children.

copperoliver · 01/03/2020 07:46

He sounds like he has anger issues and is not very nice due to the things he says, also they seem to be getting worse. I'd ask him to leave. It will be a nicer environment for you and your children. X

Enchiladas · 01/03/2020 07:46

Fully agree with kirkman

pollyflicks · 01/03/2020 08:00

Wow he's so angry.

Sorry you're feeling so hurt, he sounds nasty. You deserve better.

CalleighDoodle · 01/03/2020 08:05

I also agree with Kirkman, who i believe may be my sibling Grin

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 01/03/2020 08:17

Sounds to me like 6 of 1 and half a dozen of the other OP...I guess if you brought up something thats painful for both of you to deal with,knowing this to be the case,and out of the blue it could have thrown your husband,However his reaction was beyond usual..He could have handled the situation better than he did.If your marriage is going to survive and thrive then I would suggest the issue is not solved now as last night showed and you both need to sit down and bash out the issue between both of you and listen to each other properly.It is obviously not resolved and it needs to be,clearly and properly resolved otherwise both f you cannot move on,Failing to properly address this issue whatever it is is causing resentment and lack of trust and lack of honesty and transparency in your relationship.It sounds to me like there is an elephant in the room which is being sidestepped by both of you by trying to ignore it for fear of either one of you saying something or doing something you shouldnt in order to try not to upset the other,,this will never work long term as it tends to end up being more of an issue by no one being prepared to deal with it, For a small step this morning ,tempers permitting from both of you I would suggest dc going to grandmas and you two going for a coffee on neutral grounds and talking ,calmly and listening and trying to both resolve the issue.You need to do resolve it and let it go,but you can only do this together,openly and honestly.If either one of you cannot get over the issue for whatever reason that is fine but then you have to accept your relationship is tainted and then you have to decide things are not as you both want and cannot go back to pre issue days...the healthy thing then to do is to move on..seperately.Last night seemed like someone had tripped a switch unintentionally or intentionally and then it couldnt be turned off.this shows your issue on both parts hasnt been as resolved as much as you thought it had....thats not a good place to be for you ,your husband or your children....Talk ...Listen ..accept or be done seems to be your options....

LizzieSiddal · 01/03/2020 08:27

Do not allow yourself to stay with someone who treats you like this.

How old your dc- I suspect quite young. I’d bet my house that once the dc are older and start having their own views/opinions, he won’t be able to stop himself from getting very vey angry with them too.

Whichonewhichone · 01/03/2020 08:30

It depends what you raised context is everything

He could be totally out of order or for all we know you could have mentioned something along the lines of you cheating on him/a fight you had where you hit him

Sounds like he was in the wrong but unless there’s more info nobody can say for sure

ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 01/03/2020 08:37

Your relationship is over. He hates you, doesn't love you, shouts and rants at you in public. It doesn't matter whether you previously forgave him. Nothing justified that reaction. Gather yourself together, and get him out.

doodleygirl · 01/03/2020 08:45

If you allow someone to treat you this way they won’t stop.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 01/03/2020 08:46

I can't believe that there are people minimising his behaviour or blaming the OP in what essentially boils down to a 'she asked for it' mentality.

The OP brought up a past hurt and he reacted with violence and caused her fear.

The two are not comparable.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 01/03/2020 08:49

I really doesn't matter what the incident in the past was; what / how the OP does or does not keep on bringing things up. It is utterly immaterial.

Today both OP and her DH don't make each other happy.

Today OP and her DH need to start working on separating, divorce etc.

Today both of them need to realise that they are keeping each other / themselves in a miserable marriage and that they don't need to. They can act like adults and agree to separate!

Today... right now... start getting the relationship ended!

Isthisit22 · 01/03/2020 08:50

Even if this was somehow an argument and OP was partially responsible, which clearly is not the case, it still shows that the relationship is over.
If someone repeatedly tells yoh the hate you and then tells you they don't love you, believe them.
Time to start planning your separation I'm afraid Flowers

whataballbag · 01/03/2020 08:51

What an absolute bastard

TheVanguardSix · 01/03/2020 09:00

I don't know what issue you raised but the point is, his reaction was just abysmal and nothing warrants such a reaction.
He doesn't have to love you. He doesn't have to accept being in an unhappy marriage. He doesn't have to stay and flog a dead horse if that's where your marriage is at. BUT what he can't do his throw this shit in your face in the most humiliating and hurtful manner, then abandon you to wallow in it. That's just no way to deal with the end of a marriage. All of those years invested in each other as a couple, as a family, the good times and the bad, and the painful incidents leading up to this watershed moment, deserve a bit of grace from both of you. You're both broken and, I believe, done with your marriage (I could be wrong). This is not the time to yank a still-beating heart from the body, throw it to the pavement and stomp on it.

BigFatLiar · 01/03/2020 09:06

I stupidly made a factual comment about something that happened last year that he did that really hurt me.

You've obviously not moved on from this if you're still bringing it up, unless you're using it to goad him.

Does he 'hate' you or was he simply angry. My kids often 'hated' me but I knew they were just upset they weren't getting their way.

You can't unhear it neither can he unhear the reminders of the past.

Everyones saying you should leave him for saying it, perhaps he should leave you for using the past as a weapon.

incognitomum · 01/03/2020 09:08

Hope you're ok OP?

pinkyredrose · 01/03/2020 09:13

I feel like incidents keep happening that he expects me to forgive and forget straight away well that's the problem. He's treating you like a cunt and expects you to accept it.

For your own self worth you should leave him.

Bluntness100 · 01/03/2020 09:15

This is very difficult to judge.

On one hand he could have anger issues, and you’ve done nothing but factually mention something. On the other hand you might keep doing it, and it was that straw that broke the camels back and he can’t take it any more.

Looks like your relationship is over any way. You can’t forgive him for whatever it is, and he can’t take any more of you casting it up.

We don’t know it could be anything from joking you’d put on some weight to shagging your sister. So as said, it’s hard to comment.

Wereallsquare · 01/03/2020 09:16

I was raised by parents like you, who stayed together for the DC sake. Please, for the love of your DC, end this marriage immediately. You will RUIN your DC lives if you stay together. Unhappy parents raise miserable children who perpetuate the terrible cycle.

Tortoiseontheloose · 01/03/2020 09:21

I’m surprised by people saying it’s fault on both parts.

No it isn’t. Your DH is an adult.

If someone at work said something to him that he didn’t like, would he scream at them to fuck off and storm off?

If this is the way he behaves with everyone = anger issues (and you don’t have to stick around).

Just this way with you = abusive (and you don’t have to stick around)

It does not sound, what what you have posted about him saying he hates you if you say something he doesn’t like, as if it is a one off and he is normally a decent man.

I guess he will soon be trying to mess with your head and tell you the argument was your fault and that YOU ruined the evening. You didn’t.

The comments on here saying that you both need to look at yourselves might make you doubt yourself even more.

If you’d brought up something from last year and he’d punched you in the face and said he hated you, would people still he saying it depended on what you’d brought up?! Of course not.

You do not deserve to spend your life with someone who verbally abuses you if you say something they don’t want to hear. I hope you can access some real life counselling so you can sort though it all in your mind while you make some decisions Flowers

Mydogatemypurse · 01/03/2020 09:22

This sounds like my marriage with my ex. A very regular occurrence. I forgave him for so many things. But inevitably I hadnt the breach of trust and disgust in the things he did always let to me bringing them up periodically because I still thing I didnt understand how he could have done them and stupidly I think I was searching for a proper apology or explanation. I never got one and I never will.
Resentment will grow between the two of you. He will do something again. You will bring it up again. In our case he started drinking and would get very angry throwing things at me, smashing up the house and disappearing for days.
He would stonewall me, block me on his phone, stay in the spare room and literally not speak to me for days in tbr house. I would try and cook family meals to keep normality for the kids (as if???) He would eat. Not speak and get up and walk away from the table. It would kill me.
I had to go to the police and my doctor in the end as he refused to leave. He went absolutely ape shit. It was horrendous. But in the end he went and oh my god the sun come out.
Hes still a prick and the divorce Is horrendous but I come home to a happy home with my kids and I'm not eaten up with anger and fear. You dont have to live like this. You will get Ill and it will impact on the children. My kids will clearly have been affected my this. I should have found the strength earlier but all i can do now is try my best for them.
I'm skint but I am able to offer them my time and attention which unfortunately was dominated by him before.
I will always regret what they witnessed and feel like I failed them but I had to build up my strength to do it. You dont realise how living like this makes you week and damages your self esteem. Please find the strength for a better life. Sending love and understanding xxx

SchadenfreudePersonified · 01/03/2020 09:23

My personal belief is that if you choose to forgive something, it's over; you don't bring it up again. So if your "factual comment" was about a past transgression that you'd chosen to forgive, I don't think it was fair to bring it up. That doesn't excuse his behavior, though

None of us know the context of OP's comment.

I'm sure that she didn't just come out with "And by the way - XYZ"

It will have been within the context of a conversation or another incident - and whatever that context was, his reaction is ridiculous - and also telling. He knows that what he did that hurt her wasn't accidental, and that it was cruel and unreasonable, but he expects her just to put it out of her mind. Be fair - if your other half did something that brokke your heart, could you forget it?

He has massively over-reacted and demonstrated himself to be a vile and cruel bully.

OP - don't wait for him to destroy you. Get your ducks in a row regarding finance, your home, your children etc and then GET RID OF HIM.

This will not get better, and you really need to protect yourself in this horrible, soul-destroying situation.

I'm so sorry you have to cope with this, but he's awful and you deserve so much more.

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