To think I couldn't hate my husband any more than I do right now

[Oliveorangutan]

We went out for an evening, everything was fine. I stupidly made a factual comment about something that happened last year that he did that really hurt me.

He went mad. Threw his drink down and shouted at me to f off. He then disappeared for over half an hour, leaving me on my own in the dark in the middle of town. When he comes back to the car, he is furious with me, tells me he hates me, he doesn't love me and only is around for the dc.

I am in bits. Even if he apologises tomorrow, I can never unhear all those things.

What happened last year that you brought up? If it is a case of him forgetting to do the dishes when he promised, you are being unreasonable. If it is infidelity and your are still working through that, then you are not unreasonable. In fact, anything that happened last year but has consequences today is fair game.

Bflatmajorsharp I disagree. If you say you forgive someone, you have to forgive them. You don't have to forgive every transgression, but if you do, then it's done. If the person hasn't acknowledged your feelings, why would you forgive them?

I feel like incidents keep happening that he expects me to forgive and forget straight away but the minute I say something he doesn't like, he will destroy me and tells me he HATES me

@Oliveorangutan
Please don't stick around waiting for him to do that again.

See a solicitor. Figure out where you stand in financial terms. File for divorce even if you feel shaky about it. You will be better off in a great many ways when you don't have to deal with this.

Life is too short to spend it with an angry narcissist.

I suppose if I did something one time last year, thought it was dealt with, and then DH brought it up to me now I'd probably not be real happy. Especially if it was something I had ended up apologizing for and/or saying I wouldn't do it again. But if I was doing it (or something similar) now I can see him bringing it up.

Do you mind giving specifics? So much depends on what it was and your tone of voice, as well as the context you brought it up in.

At any rate, his reaction was way over the top and completely unacceptable. I also feel that if someone throws "I don't love you" in your face, believe them. Either they mean them or they are unbelievably cruel and don't care how much they hurt you. Either way, that's LTB territory.

He doesn't love you. You need to not care. LTB. For your dc.

Just to clarify my earlier post - even if you brought up something incredibly minor from last year that should be long forgotten, it does not justify his response.

He said he hates you. You said the same about him in your title. Please, move on, get your ducks in a row, LTB, get a shit hot lawyer.

MN really needs an acronym for all of that!

Why did you decide to wait in the car?

He sounds like an absolute embarrassment. Life's far too short to waste on this loser.

He said he hates you and you say in this post you hate him. I'm not saying those two things are equal but clearly neither of you are happy.

The relationship sounds like it's been too damaged to recover, because a number of things are causing underlying resentment and ongoing tension. It sounds a bit death by a thousand papercuts.

I know it's so sad and so hard but this doesn't sound like a relationship that is healthy, it's turned toxic because too much has happened.

He can't take back those words that hurt you, just like he can't take back the thing that he did a year ago. You won't be able to forgive tonight's words either (which is fair enough) even if you agree to move on.

And in a year, you'll likely bring this occasion up, he'll do something else and on and on this will go.

Life's too short to be this unhappy.

So leave then

Ok, so a man is verbally abusive to is wife, because she TALKED to him, and most of you all defend HIM!!

No fucking wonder DV is not getting any better.

Just from another perspective. My DH complained about something when we were on a date. I didn't act the way your DH did at all but was enjoying our night until he brought up the past. He has suggested many date nights since but I'm not really interested. Bringing something up on a night out that could be discussed at any evening/lunch/morning/day doesn't and didn't make any sense to me. I'm not condoning your DH reaction but can't understand why you would bring up problems(that could be discussed at any time) on a date night.

This belief that op is NEVER allowed to mention how he hurt her, or what he did to her in order to keep the peace is so archaic, and makes us not only vulnerable but downtrodden and afraid to have a voice.

Sorry if my post came across as defending OP's husband, that wasn't my intention. My point is that if he is doing / saying things that are so hurtful that OP can't move on from them then the relationship has become unsalvageable and needs to be ended.

He has an image in his head of 'nice guy'.

Anything that brings it home to him that he isn't a 'nice guy', causes rage.

You reminded him that he is, in fact, a fucking horrible, narcissist, therefore you had to be punished.

Get away from this no mark.

Walking on eggshells for the rest of your (potentially short) life is not worth it.

If you hurt someone, you don't get to decide that you didn't hurt them, or control when/where they need to process it.

For all we know, op may have felt safer bringing it up in public due to this kind of behaviour

@differentnameforthis that’s not the thread I’m reading. The comments are split between those just saying leave him, and pretty much all of those suggesting she might not immediately leave have said that his behaviour wasn’t justified. It doesn’t help that OP has given scant information.

It sounds as if it's over. Do you want dcs growing up in that environment?

Why don't you give a full description of the incident?

Why were you opening up an old wound on a night out? I would be annoyed too.

@steff13 If you say you forgive someone, you have to forgive them.

That's great ... for you doesn't mean we all have to lie by that rule.
Plus, to forgive doesn't mean to forget and never to mention again. if you can't deal with your indiscretions being bought up further down the road, then don't do anything that someone can hold against you.

@AcrossthePond55 Do you mind giving specifics? So much depends on what it was and your tone of voice, as well as the context you brought it up in.

It doesn't matter, he was verbally abusive towards her and no one deserves that, regardless of what/how she said it.

@KatherineJaneway Why did you decide to wait in the car? Why shouldn't she? Perhaps she had no other way of getting home?

@ShesCurly Nah, wasn't your post. It's the "both of you should've handled it better" "was he drunk" - (excusing him) "do you usually bring up the past a yr later" "why did you bring it up again" "it's over, you don't bring it up again"

Whether you can get over this or not, I don't know. However I don't think you should.

He’s just not that into you. LTB.