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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I couldn't hate my husband any more than I do right now

176 replies

Oliveorangutan · 29/02/2020 23:13

We went out for an evening, everything was fine. I stupidly made a factual comment about something that happened last year that he did that really hurt me.

He went mad. Threw his drink down and shouted at me to f off. He then disappeared for over half an hour, leaving me on my own in the dark in the middle of town. When he comes back to the car, he is furious with me, tells me he hates me, he doesn't love me and only is around for the dc.

I am in bits. Even if he apologises tomorrow, I can never unhear all those things.

OP posts:
Honeyned · 01/03/2020 00:35

Was the thing you referred to a throw away remark about something inconsequential and a sort of jokey thing? or somethings that's been on your mind for a while? was your night out going well before that? How is the relationship generally? Has he ever done anything like this before?
There really are.no excuses for him doing that either way.Im only trying to get context.
He's obviously really angry about something but from his reaction I feel it's not you. I don't really have any advice but no partner should say such hurtful things. Flowers

differentnameforthis · 01/03/2020 00:35

@Ellisandra It doesn’t help that OP has given scant information.

I disagree. Op doesn't need to tell us anymore than she tried to mention X and he went off on one, verbally beating her and storming off.

Op doesn't owe anyone any information, and nothing would justify his response anyway, so what she said was irrelevant.

AcrossthePond55 · 01/03/2020 00:36

@differentnameforthis

I said in my post that his reaction was unacceptable. I also said it was LTB territory. OP didn't deserve what happened.

But it's also unacceptable to bring up things that happened in the past, unless there are ongoing issues having to do with it.

Honeyned · 01/03/2020 00:41

@recycledbottle were you both drinking? I completely understand what you meant that it could be brought up at another time!

DingleberryRose · 01/03/2020 00:45

His reaction was OTT but who wants to go on an evening out and have someone dredge up the past?? Think you should both apologise to be honest!

Ellisandra · 01/03/2020 00:47

@differentnameforthis no, OP doesn’t have to say any more. But you’re usually going to get a more helpful thread if you’re a bit clearer. FWIW, I said it was unacceptable in my reply - so I agree with you, even based on the scant info, that his behaviour was wrong.

I can’t speak for everyone on the thread, but my motivation in wanting more information isn’t to justify his behaviour. I don’t think it’s justifiable. It’s to help OP further. My ‘best guess’ is that he had an affair (fully physical or otherwise) and she’s agreed to “move on”. If that’s the case, it might help OP to have responses specifically on that. It can help to know that actually, it’s normal to not be able to move on, and it’s perfectly normal to expect the guilty party to still allow you talk about it. I get the impression that the OP has lost sight of normal boundaries - because she has accepted him saying he hates her multiple times, but sees that as less of an issue than saying he doesn’t love her. That’s right into the territory of him abusing her, but her thinking she’ll stay because he “loves her”. It could help her to understand that saying you love someone is a lie, if you tell them you hate them. In case tomorrow, he says “oh baby but you know I love you really” Confused

Sometimes it helps to give more information to have the support of people saying “no, that isn’t normal”, when you’ve lost sight of what is.

So no, OP isn’t obliged to expand. But I think those of us suggesting that she does, most aren’t saying it because we think there’s a reason to stay!

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 01/03/2020 01:17

He said he hated you and you said here you hate him as well.

Step back from it, sleep separately, and tomorrow with a cold head discuss what happened tonight and whether there is a way forward. Even if he apologises this is not one of those things you can just brush under the carpet. This a difficult one to disentangle.

VenusTiger · 01/03/2020 01:47

Were you bringing up something that you'd forgiven him for and moved on OP? Would he normally become violent and is learning that walking away is best for both of you, for him to calm down?
When you say he threw his drink down and then left you in town in the dark, which is it?
I wouldn't be happy if I were him or if I were you tbh - sounds like you were having a nice evening and you brought up something which obviously was still bothering you but he didn't realise it was - he shouldn't have reacted that way, but I can't help but wonder if he's feeling lost and wondering if he can't do right for wrong - I mean, you were out together, isn't that a good thing?

It's difficult only hearing a small part of one side of the story here.

Being told your partner doesn't love you is awfully painful - but is it true or does he just say vile things to get a reaction?

Thinkingabout1t · 01/03/2020 01:56

I'm not sure that forgiveness works like that. It's a two way process - the forgiveness needs to be received as well as given, meaning that the person being forgiven needs to engage properly with whatever the issue is. It's not really possible to forgive if your feelings aren't accepted by the other person.

This

BecauseReasons · 01/03/2020 02:05

I may be adding two and two and getting five here, OP, but,

I feel like incidents keep happening that he expects me to forgive and forget straight away but the minute I say something he doesn't like, he will destroy me and tells me he HATES me.

Sounds potentially abusive. When you say he expects you to forgive and forget, what does that entail? Does he minimise what he's done and make it seem like you're unreasonable to be upset?

differentnameforthis · 01/03/2020 02:14

@AcrossthePond55 But it's also unacceptable to bring up things that happened in the past, unless there are ongoing issues having to do with it.

Yeah, it's really not. Some things can take years to process for some people. Women are told on here that if your dh has an affair and you find out, then he should always be willing to talk about it, if that is what the op needs. How do we know that isn't one of those situations?

Lynda07 · 01/03/2020 02:20

Olive: "...tells me he hates me, he doesn't love me and only is around for the dc".

Why stay with him, who would want a man who doesn't love her?

AcrossthePond55 · 01/03/2020 02:32

@differentnameforthis

Read the second part of my sentence..... unless there are ongoing issues having to do with it.

But we don't know the facts in this case, do we? OP has chosen not to tell, as is her right. I stated my opinion, you disagree. We each have the right to our opinions

adayatthebeach · 01/03/2020 03:55

Men like him don’t change. So sorry you deserve much better.

Maduixa · 01/03/2020 04:45

What matters is how YOU feel about what he did and said. I'm sorry; I know it hurts. Do get help if you need it.

He went mad. Threw his drink down and shouted at me to f off.
I might forgive this, if he had a reasonable explanation.

He then disappeared for over half an hour, leaving me on my own in the dark in the middle of town. Rude, but not a big deal for me - I know how to get home.

When he comes back to the car, he is furious with me, tells me he hates me, he doesn't love me and only is around for the dc. I would dump him.

EmeraldShamrock · 01/03/2020 05:06

He is hypersensitive to your words. As I don't know what words passed it is hard to judge if forgiving deserves forgetting.
You're hurt and needed to talk, his screaming is awful. I'd seriously consider leaving him for that alone. Is he often volatile.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/03/2020 05:11

That sounds very difficult for you. I used to have a much more volatile relationship with my dh. He is growing up very slowly now that he’s the wrong side of 50. I’ve done the therapy btw to fix a lot of my issues. But he hasn’t yet caught up. I’ve been in the situation, where you are right now. We did split for a while. This was pre dd btw. Then got back together. It’s really so very hurtful what your partner is doing. Please come back and talk to us some more so that you can start to make plans for yourself and what you want to do. Flowers

differentname
I agree with a lot of your posts. I don’t understand why you are arguing with Ellisandra and AcrossThePond when they have very valid povs.

What I don’t agree with is bringing up an affair, which is over and not repeated time and time again. If the affair is finished, after a period of time, the wronged party either needs to move on within the couple or split. Otherwise repeatedly bringing up what happened becomes a life sentence for the person, who had the affair. This is toxic to any relationship and will erode all love. The issue if couples choose to remain together is to maintain the relationship, learn and grow rather than bring up the rights and wrongs of the past. No adult relationship can be maintained, where one feels as though they owe deference to the other by repeatedly seek forgiveness. To take this to a logical conclusion, the wronged party would then be able to use the hurt as a way to control the other. Nothing good comes of rehashing what happened years in the past.

I don’t believe read this with op btw as she says he keeps on upsetting her and has continued with the same behaviour. And I also think it would be useful for her to explain more. Not to defend him by any stretch of the imagination.

Jellybeansincognito · 01/03/2020 06:19

What did you bring up op?

I think it’s really relevant- if he cheated for example and you’ve been working on continuing your relationship- would be awful to bring that up whilst you’re out trying to enjoy some alone time. Stuff like that you can’t have it both ways, you either forgive and forget or you use it against him in scenarios like your op and end up falling out.

If he has cheated on you, it’s perhaps time to realise you cannot move on.

Lou670 · 01/03/2020 06:33

Fuck! I hope you are ok? I am currently sat here awaiting the police, domestic abuse. Keep talking xxx

Lou670 · 01/03/2020 06:39

*wearywithteens….excellent response!

orangejuicer · 01/03/2020 06:50

Are you ok lou670?

BiBiBirdie · 01/03/2020 06:54

Sorry, I would have got a taxi home, locked the door and when he brought his nasty abusive wanker arse to the door I would have told him he could fuck off.

CupoTeap · 01/03/2020 07:05

He wants you to cry, beg forgiveness and say how awful you are. I've no doubt this is a common patter between you.

Do you want this for the rest of your life?

user1498572889 · 01/03/2020 07:27

Tell him to pack his bags and Fuck off cos you don’t even like him let alone love him.

Kirkman · 01/03/2020 07:35

It really depends. He could be a cunt who did something awful and it was brought up in context to a converstation.

Or op could be like my mum. Who pretty much runs any evening out or get together to by having a dig at someone over something small they did ages ago.

If OP forgave her husband for something he did, but then keeps bringing it up, out of context. Just out of the blue to have a dig, that's not ok.

Women who have had affairs have posted in mn, saying that a year or 2 later their husband are using it as a (metaphorical) stick to beat them with, they are told he shouldnt be using it as an excuse to grind them into the ground.

The same applies here. Until op shares (assuming she wants to) what he did and why she brought it up, it's impossible to tell if he is a cunt or if he is at the end of is together because OP keeps using something small to put him down all the time.

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