Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I couldn't hate my husband any more than I do right now

176 replies

Oliveorangutan · 29/02/2020 23:13

We went out for an evening, everything was fine. I stupidly made a factual comment about something that happened last year that he did that really hurt me.

He went mad. Threw his drink down and shouted at me to f off. He then disappeared for over half an hour, leaving me on my own in the dark in the middle of town. When he comes back to the car, he is furious with me, tells me he hates me, he doesn't love me and only is around for the dc.

I am in bits. Even if he apologises tomorrow, I can never unhear all those things.

OP posts:
JavaQ · 01/03/2020 09:33

Leave him.
You hate each other.
Fear of being alone or poorer keeps you together while you slowly die inside.

Bluntness100 · 01/03/2020 09:39

If you’d brought up something from last year and he’d punched you in the face and said he hated you, would people still he saying it depended on what you’d brought up?! Of course not

What a ludicrous thing to write. He didn’t physically assault her. And she’s not posted enough info for you to know if she’s the abusive one or him. For all you know she’s been hammering him and casting up something minor and having a go constantly and he snapped.

She’s simply not posted enough info, she’s given one snapshot. That makes her look like it’s a one off.

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 01/03/2020 09:44

Been here. Got the T-shirt and the while damned gift shop. It didn’t get better. LTB before there’s nothing left of you - or worse.

MadameMeursault · 01/03/2020 09:49

You need to tell us what it was that he did OP in order that we can give an objective opinion. Like PPs have said, if it was minor and he’s sick of you going on about it that’s very different from something major that hasn’t really been dealt with. Impossible to decide who IBU here.

Mydogatemypurse · 01/03/2020 09:49

Bluntness I think throwing a drink at someone is physical. Its aggressive and embarrassing and would have caused fear. I know my heart would have been racing in this situation, especially as due to past experience I would be only too aware of what this could lead to. Physical or not.
His behaviour was wrong and disproportionate

Thisismytimetoshine · 01/03/2020 09:51

Op said threw his drink down, he didn’t throw it at her. Stop exaggerating.

2020newme · 01/03/2020 09:54

I think you know your marriage is over.

I would start a new thread in relationships and seek legal advice as to how you separate. Flowers

YetAnotherSpartacus · 01/03/2020 09:59

The OP says He went mad. Threw his drink down and shouted at me to f off. He then disappeared for over half an hour, leaving me on my own in the dark in the middle of town. When he comes back to the car, he is furious with me, tells me he hates me, he doesn't love me and only is around for the dc

This is aggressive, violent and fear-inducing. It was also likely humiliating for the OP and left her vulnerable.

There are no excuses.

Still can't believe that people are excusing and minimising and attempting to tell the OP she may have asked for it - or actually, I can, because this is why men's violence still happens.

BigFatLiar · 01/03/2020 10:01

I would start a new thread in relationships and seek legal advice as to how you separate.

Or perhaps he should.

pointythings · 01/03/2020 10:06

I'm on the fence about this. My late husband loved to rake up old issues whenever we had a disagreement - he used it as classic DARVO, and I didn't realise it until very late on in our relationship. It didn't help that he'd always bring up the same 20 year old issue, which he had his own interpretation of, and that he never had any other examples of how awful I was. I really, really loathed his tactics.

But I never screamed, swore, threw things or did any of the stuff your H did in response to him bringing up the old stuff. That's an unacceptable reaction.

Your marriage doesn't sound healthy.

Kirkman · 01/03/2020 10:10

because this is why men's violence still happens.

Male violence happens because of males...who atde are violent.

Theres also other types of abuse, which include dragging up past events to punish people, emabarss them etc.

Until op is more clear no one can know if this relationship is shitty from both sides or just one.

WickedlyPetite · 01/03/2020 10:11

This relationship is dead in the water, unsalvageable.

It doesn't matter now who is right, who is wrong.

You keep bringing up stuff from the past, he keeps doing stuff that you feel the need to keep bringing up, it's all come to a head and the truth has come out - "he's only around for the children" and you hate each other.

Don't think for one second that the children are oblivious to all this. Though I'm sure you'll probably protest that they really don't see/notice any of this.

For the sake of your children, one of you needs to put an end to this shitshow.

Bluetrews25 · 01/03/2020 10:12

He keeps doing things OP has to forgive and forget.
That's not right, that is abusive.
A loving partner probably wouldn't do these things repeatedly in the first place, but if pulled on an incident would apologise and be kind to OP, not shout at her and storm off!
Classic manipulator!
OP, stay angry, and use it to help you and your DCs.
Get away from this vile person.

FlowerArranger · 01/03/2020 10:12

I feel like incidents keep happening that he expects me to forgive and forget straight away

It looks like whatever the issue was on this occasion and others, has not been dealt with. Your husband does something bad, says sorry and expect this to be sufficient for you to bury it forever.

Forgiveness doesn't work like that, particularly if the issue is causing ongoing repercussions. He needs to actually OWN what he did, address it, make sure he does not repeat it. Only then can meaningful forgiveness happen.

However, I doubt this relationship can be healed. You don't respect each other, which in a way is worse than no longer loving each other. It's toxic and full of resentment, and ultimately destructive and soul-destroying. Even if you don't hate each other yet, you are heading there. You want to stop this before there is nothing left but hate.

In any case, throwing a drink at someone and telling them you HATE them is crossing a line from which there is no coming back.

TheYearOfTheDog · 01/03/2020 10:35

Such a recurring theme on mn.

Entitled husband does something shit and hurtful.
Then expects wife to forgive with the click of her fingers and gets angry with her that she hasn't forgiven and forgotten!

His anger seems like a tactic to me. He doesn't really care that you haven't got over it yet. His anger is saying clearly ''don't ever dare raise this again''.

I could not continue with somebody who had so little regard for having been the one to hurt me.

partofthepeanutgallery · 01/03/2020 10:35

It sounds like OP's husband uses these tactics to keep OP in line and from ever discussing how he treats her, his bad behaviour in the marriage, etc. Requiring her to 'forgive and forget' quickly, and never, ever mention anything he does again else he blows up and tells her how much he 'hates her' is abusive behaviour.

I'd find a way out, OP. You don't want to keep living like this. And you don't want your DCs to think this is a normal way to live.

Lifeisabeach09 · 01/03/2020 10:43

He doesn't seem to like you and you are putting up with a lot of poor behaviour from him.
You can't change him (or his feelings) but you can change your present and future.

Thelnebriati · 01/03/2020 10:48

He has an image in his head of 'nice guy'.
Anything that brings it home to him that he isn't a 'nice guy', causes rage.

Nice guys are a high risk. Gavin de Becker says ''Nice is not a characteristic or personality trait, it's an choice.'' And its one used by abusive men.
The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker
tinyurl.com/GiftoFear

Lundy Bancroft - Why Does He Do That?
tinyurl.com/LundyWhy

The Freedom Programme
freedomprogramme.co.uk/index.php

www.bpdcentral.com/blog/?Fear-Obligation-and-Guilt-FOG-in-High-Conflict-Relationships-36

Advice for women in an abusive relationship;
www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm

Red flags of abusive relationships;
newdirectionsshelter.org/red-flags-of-abusive-relationships/

Mydogatemypurse · 01/03/2020 16:34

My ex loved his image of hard working, respectable job. Dad of the fuckinh year, mentally I'll wife. He was such the hero in his eyes. Anything, no matter how small that threatened this image or was a perceived criticism caused violence and abuse. Please get help

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 01/03/2020 19:43

Same here @Mydogatemypurse

HappyHoppyHippo · 01/03/2020 19:54

Flowershope you're ok OP

Original poster
Oliveorangutan · 02/03/2020 14:53

Thanks everybody. Sorry I haven't replied earlier. Basically, my husband had an emotional affair for a year, during which he completely destroyed me, whilst I was working, and doing everything around the house and for the children. There was no talk of forgiveness but we just kind of moved on, even though i resented him for it.

Everything was pretty much back to normal until last week I found out he had been doing favours for this other woman and kept it a secret. He apologised and said it was silly not to tell me but 8t bought it all flooding back for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oliveorangutan · 02/03/2020 14:58

Anyway, regarding the night of the incident. The next day, he woke up like nothing had happened and asked if I could get up to sort the children out so he could have a lie in Hmm and that was that. Everything back to normal Blush

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 02/03/2020 15:00

So he's screaming at you to train you never to question him on his behaviour. No matter how terrible.

Leave.

WickedlyPetite · 02/03/2020 15:01

Everything back to normal

So what are you going to do?