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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Posting on Facebook about a deceased relative

210 replies

glitteryboots · 26/02/2020 17:34

I know someone who lost their father probably about a month ago now. Very sad but not entirely unexpected - in his 80s. Lots of sympathetic comments on Facebook - fair enough - I posted my condolences also. However, she is putting on posts about her father every single day - not always pictures but something that refers to him. I think if you are grieving you should grieve with close friends and family not try and get sympathetic messages online every five minutes. In between the messages there are pictures of her going to the cinema or out for a meal - AIBU?

OP posts:
Bookoo · 26/02/2020 20:39

Slightly off topic but how do you know this girl will never know you’ve posted this?

I was able to identify myself as the subject of a very recent thread.... it was the most adult thing I’ve done in my life to not engage but sit back and watch the OP get their arse handed to them.

Leave this girl alone - while I totally agree some people are social media chief mourners, it doesn’t really matter does it. If it makes her feel better so be it.

Jellybeansincognito · 26/02/2020 20:40

I’m sure the parents don’t want to see it either
@Geneva1994 but they don’t have the pleasure of clicking off and returning to their normal life 30 seconds later.

It’s their reality and they shouldn’t feel like they cannot show off their precious child incase it offends someone.

As I said up thread, photos of living children could trigger people who have suffered the tragic loss of their child too.

Canadianpancake · 26/02/2020 20:40

It's not up to you to dictate how someone else must grieve. Yabvu and if it's bothering you that much either stay off Facebook or Unfollow her.

AmelieTaylor · 26/02/2020 20:44

Whether the girl will see it or not doesn’t make YOUR ATTITUDE any less bloody awful..
You do you and let others grieve how they need to. Bitching about how someone is grieving is pretty fucking low

stophuggingme · 26/02/2020 20:45

Fucking hell there are some really awful people on this thread.

Only grieve if I understand and approve.
Stillborn baby? Slap a warning on a picture, please I don’t want to see.

Seriously?

With friends like you who needs enemies.

TheFuzzyStar · 26/02/2020 20:47

I put things on Facebook after my Nanna died. I was heartbroken and really struggled. It helped me as it was harder to talk about her to someone face to face. I think you’re being a bit mean.

Schuyler · 26/02/2020 20:52

The comments about stillborn babies photos is quite upsetting. Yes, of course it’s upsetting to see photos of a baby gone too soon. However, it’s not a patch on what the parent and family are feeling. That is their child, the only photos they’ll ever have.

GaraMedouar · 26/02/2020 20:52

Different people grieve in different ways. I don’t post anything private on fb- I wouldn’t post about the death of a parent , but I know some people do - an acquaintance of mine has done just this - I put my condolences on the page - I would never do a similar post myself but that’s just my opinion. She gets comfort from it so that’s fine.

EmeraldShamrock · 26/02/2020 20:52

Babies born sleeping are always beautiful. It is a totally different thing to post photos of your born sleeping newborn, it is not like the parent's can take other photos. Sad

flower1994 · 26/02/2020 20:54

just to clear a few things up for the people who are swarming, although the OPs post wasnt great she is entitled to her opinion and she has been called some horrible things throughout this - in light of recent times youd think everyone could learn to be a little more kind (OP included).

re stillborn pictures - awful thing to deal with and of course pictures can go up but do I feel uncomfortable and sad when I see things like that? does it make me tear up even if I dont know the person? yes it does and I would think myself incredibly strange if something so heart wrenching didnt make you feel upser

Vanhi · 26/02/2020 20:56

But surely if you are putting on pictures and messages every single day there is only so much people can say.

They don't have to say anything. People grieve differently and they use FB differently. I don't really care who, if anyone, responds to FB posts of mine. Some will, some won't. Some may read it, be moved by it but not click any particular button or comment. SM isn't a competitive sport, although many people treat it as such.

Likewise grieving. There isn't a right or wrong way to do it. OP, I mean this kindly, I think you need to talk to someone professional about your brother, if you haven't already. We all know we will lose our parents at some stage, unless we go first! It is in the natural order of things so whilst it's awful, it's a part of life. Losing a sibling when they're relatively young must be awful and is far less expected. It sounds as if you're not processing this well and your acquaintance's reaction is jarring with you, because you don't know how you should be reacting.

Do take care of yourself. The way this woman deals with grief is her way. Talk to someone about your way.

AddressLabel · 26/02/2020 20:57

One of my friends is still posting about his parents. He's well into middle age and his dad died about 7 years ago and his mum several years before that. I ignore them but it seems to wind some mutual friends up. He took several months off on sick when his dad died as well.

Geneva1994 · 26/02/2020 20:57

@flower1994 completely agree!

Aridane · 26/02/2020 20:58

Who died and made you the Grieving Police? (sorry, couldn’t resist that)

Didshereally · 26/02/2020 21:00

Just to sidestep latest comments for a second @Graeb your post 19:45 both broke and swelled my heart to read. Yes he should be remembered xxx You wrote so eloquently about how loved he was and how the world carried on regardless when your world stopped.

Lepetitpiggy · 26/02/2020 21:04

My mum died a year ago and I am still grieving- probably more as it was all so hectic and painful at the time. Occasionally I put something on fb or Twitter which I'm feeling. I know it helps others too and to be honest, if people dont like it, they can ignore it!

MorganKitten · 26/02/2020 21:07

We all grieve differently, no ones is more important than anyone else’s.
She is sad, let her do what she needs to. If you can’t understand that or care then unfollow her.

MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 26/02/2020 21:08

I sympathise as my friend is similar. She lost her mum last May who was also a similar age to the father you mention and still there are lots of ' heaven has another angel' posts and 'life can be tough. Keep on smiling' that are references to her loss. She gets lots of loves and I find them mildly annoying.

But I do scroll on by and let her get on with it. I lost my dad when I was a teenager and got far less time with him than she got with her mum so I suspect that's why I'm irritated. So I understand but you have to let it wash over.

AngelsOnHigh · 26/02/2020 21:13

I look at it in a different way. My DM die last October.

I grieved (and still do) in private with my family and friends.

However two family members are still continuously posting things relating to DM. Coincidently both these family members are two who treated DM absolutely abysmally .

I sometimes think with some people it's all about guilt not grief.

I did read that generally speaking, people feel one of two things when someone dies. Either grief or greed. Pretty sure you can add guilt to that as well.

loopykay · 26/02/2020 21:16

It sounds like this is how she is voicing her pain. Putting it out there for all to see, not something everyone would do but if it helps her there is no harm to anyone else. From experience I know it's hard to comprehend how life goes on around you when yours has suddenly fallen apart. I wonder if in real life she has nobody to talk things through with. Is she someone you could reach out to and offer an ear to? If it has begun to bother you, you can hide their posts for a while.

Lynda07 · 26/02/2020 21:16

Not your business, glittery. You don't have to read what she posts. It may help her at the moment to post about her father, won't be forever.

Original poster
glitteryboots · 26/02/2020 21:31

I really appreciate the thoughtful comments. I can now see that perhaps IABU - if it helps someone then who I am to decide. I was brought up to believe that you didn't really mention the deceased after a funeral. I really hope it does help the girl involved but I know from experience that people don't want to see it or hear it all the time. Actually two ladies at work lost someone very close within the last few months - I as them a lot if they are ok because I know that people forget very quickly.

OP posts:
LilQueenie · 26/02/2020 21:37

too bad its not for you or anyone else to dictate how or where people grieve nor is it up to you or anyone else to speak on behalf of their own family members.

Usesomecaution · 26/02/2020 21:49

Oh Glitteryboots, it’s really sad to hear that you were brought up not to really mention people after the funeral, especially with the losses you have lived with Flowers for you

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 26/02/2020 21:50

It might not be your way to express grief via social media - it isn’t mine either, but one thing I have learned over the last years is that everyone grieves differently, and hopefully can do what they need to in order to get through the days and months ahead. My dear friend lost her husband recently, she didn’t put anything on FB. She was back to work within a couple of weeks, because she has understanding colleagues and the routine and distraction help her. It’s her way of getting through. Her grief is still enormous and raw. I imagine some people do still look at her and wonder how she can be back at work and socialising, but they don’t see the other side of her feeling lonely and isolated in the home she used to share with her husband.