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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Posting on Facebook about a deceased relative

210 replies

glitteryboots · 26/02/2020 17:34

I know someone who lost their father probably about a month ago now. Very sad but not entirely unexpected - in his 80s. Lots of sympathetic comments on Facebook - fair enough - I posted my condolences also. However, she is putting on posts about her father every single day - not always pictures but something that refers to him. I think if you are grieving you should grieve with close friends and family not try and get sympathetic messages online every five minutes. In between the messages there are pictures of her going to the cinema or out for a meal - AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
glitteryboots · 26/02/2020 18:33

JRUIN you couldn't be further off the mark. I don't put anything on to try and get sympathy - do you know why I do it? To remind the relatives who don't bother contacting my mum - sister, brothers etc. that she lost a son and that they should be contacting her. I don't need sympathy.

OP posts:
Antihop · 26/02/2020 18:34

Well to be honest after my brother's death I couldn't have socialised so soon never mind post on Facebook

I'm very sorry about your brother. But you seem to be implying that by being out and about, her grief is not genuine.

When my mum died, I was back at work 2 days later. My sister was off work for a couple of weeks. Neither of us were right or wrong.Are you going to judge me too for not grieving in the right way?

WorraLiberty · 26/02/2020 18:34

have lost many relatives including my father and brother - actually had to get the Police to knock down my brother's door and he was found dead so yes I know what grief is. I just don't think it's something that should be publicly paraded for everyone.

And yet you post on Facebook on the anniversary of your brother's death.

Is that not a form of 'public parading' then? Confused

Basically, people should grieve exactly how they want to without being judged for it.

Whatever gets them through is none of your business.

Original poster
glitteryboots · 26/02/2020 18:36

Seventygood I can totally understand the memories thing that comes up. I would expect someone to post that. She isn't a friend - long story. I just thought it was an odd thing to do and although most people don't seem to agree I don't see anyone actually saying that they had done this. Also, an ex friend of my brother's announced his death on Facebook and managed to get about 40 comments about his loss - they hadn't spoken for at least five years!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 26/02/2020 18:36

I don't put anything on to try and get sympathy - do you know why I do it? To remind the relatives who don't bother contacting my mum - sister, brothers etc. that she lost a son and that they should be contacting her. I don't need sympathy.

And you can't phone, text or email them?

You really are coming across as quite hypocritical here OP.

Original poster
glitteryboots · 26/02/2020 18:37

WorraLiberty did you read further up why I post? It's not for me it's so that my mum's family get in touch with her. It tears her apart that they forget.

OP posts:
thickwoollytights · 26/02/2020 18:38

And I don't know why I can't have an opinion on this without being a horrible person. It's not as if I would ever post anything on her page.

Funny how you want to be allowed to have as many nasty judgmental opinions as you choose

But your fb 'friend' isn't meant to post as SHE chooses

What a unpleasant person you are

Just unfriend her and allow her to be who she wants to be without your horrible thoughts and judgements surrounding her

WorraLiberty · 26/02/2020 18:38

Yes I did.

What would you do without Mr Zuckerberg's website?

Phone, text or email maybe?

Original poster
glitteryboots · 26/02/2020 18:39

WorraLiberty I have loads of relatives and this is a way of reminding them all at the one time. I am not going to individually get in touch with them to remind them of something they should already know.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 26/02/2020 18:39

But surely if that’s your only reason you wokld just send them a message? If your so against posts on social media?

You have your reasons to post, she has hers. Just because her view is different doesn’t make it wrong

WorraLiberty · 26/02/2020 18:39

A group FB message takes seconds...

HappyHammy · 26/02/2020 18:40

Leave the poor woman alone and let her grieve. Shes not a friend, just unfollow her. You have posted about your loss and an ex friend of your brother, it's no different, it's all social media.

Original poster
glitteryboots · 26/02/2020 18:40

Do you know something this girl will never know I am asking this question but the amount of people calling my awful, cruel, nasty and judgemental is personal. You don't know me at all.

OP posts:
Raspberrytruffle · 26/02/2020 18:41

We all lost our grandparents 5 years ago and my aunt does the same its relentless, shes not lonely shes got quite a full active life but out of her siblings is doing this daily on Facebook shes like an vampire

Kirkman · 26/02/2020 18:41

I just don't think it's something that should be publicly paraded for everyone. I have cried many tears, talked to friends and family and even phoned the Samaritans so I'm not cold hearted.

And what if someone said you were grieving wrong. Attention seeking from friends you cried to?

You do not post on faceboom for your mum. Or if you do, that's so passive aggressive. How is that better that posting about a parent who has died

You think people should contact your mum, tell them directly. Dont put a post up, talking about your brother....as a set up to get others to call your mum. That's just weird.

WorraLiberty · 26/02/2020 18:41

We can only 'know' you from what you've posted here.

And after weighing that up, I'd agree with the opinions so far.

You're not exactly covering yourself in glory are you?

JRUIN · 26/02/2020 18:42

JRUIN you couldn't be further off the mark. I don't put anything on to try and get sympathy - do you know why I do it? To remind the relatives who don't bother contacting my mum - sister, brothers etc. that she lost a son and that they should be contacting her. I don't need sympathy.

See now I think it's you that uses FB in the wrong way in that case. Why are you trying to prompt/guilt trip relatives into contacting your mum. If they are not doing it of their own back then what's the point?

Kirkman · 26/02/2020 18:44

You may never say this to her but I just dont get your mentality.

I dont get people, who would even think of starting converstation with anyone about this sort of stuff. Wether the woman knows or not.

Someones FB makes you uncomfortable. Unfollow. It's easy.

Dont start a thread hoping people will jump in and agree with you that she is an attention seeker/needs to get a grip and tell you how much better you dealt with a similar situation.

Because that's what this is. You wanted people to agree that you were right and she is wrong.

Aragog · 26/02/2020 18:44

YABU. She is allowed to grieve in whatever way works for her.
Whilst it might not be my way to grieve, everyone is different. If it helps her to do so then who are we to say she shouldn't do it.

If it bothers you simple unfollow her so her posts don't appear on your timeline. You are still FB friends with her and can visit her page to see posts as and when. I do this for some of my prolific FB friend posters anyway.

Newkitchen123 · 26/02/2020 18:47

People grieve in their own way.
Not the way you decide
Don't be so judgemental

CarolineBingley · 26/02/2020 18:48

I think I understand you OP. You're one of those "my way is the only way" people. So in a world of 8bn people and where 2 people die every second, only your way of grieving is the acceptable way of grieving.

Aragog · 26/02/2020 18:49

In between the messages there are pictures of her going to the cinema or out for a meal

And??? Is she not allowed to try to carry on with normal life whilst still grieving?

well to be honest after my brother's death I couldn't have socialised so soon never mind post on Facebook.
I just don't think it's something that should be publicly paraded for everyone.

And that was right for you. It is what you needed to do at that time of grief.
She is different to you and chooses to grieve in a different way. Everyone is different.

You don't appear to have much empathy for others who are grieving but in a different way to the way you think is right.

thickwoollytights · 26/02/2020 18:50

but the amount of people calling my awful, cruel, nasty and judgemental is personal. You don't know me at all.

That's because ON THIS THREAD you are being nasty and judgemental imo

Grow up and allow people to post what they like about their dead relatives

I'm bloody glad you're not my 'friend'

Marshmallow91 · 26/02/2020 18:52

You greive how you want to - as will she. If you don't like it, don't look; just unfollow her.

Serendipity79 · 26/02/2020 18:52

Some people use social media as an outlet. If she's a friend, then offer support, and simply scroll past her posts!