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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Posting on Facebook about a deceased relative

210 replies

glitteryboots · 26/02/2020 17:34

I know someone who lost their father probably about a month ago now. Very sad but not entirely unexpected - in his 80s. Lots of sympathetic comments on Facebook - fair enough - I posted my condolences also. However, she is putting on posts about her father every single day - not always pictures but something that refers to him. I think if you are grieving you should grieve with close friends and family not try and get sympathetic messages online every five minutes. In between the messages there are pictures of her going to the cinema or out for a meal - AIBU?

OP posts:
JollyGiraffe12 · 26/02/2020 18:56

It’s not my cup of tea but if it helps her, let her be...

PixieDustt · 26/02/2020 18:57

YABVU maybe that's her way to grieve. A person i follow has recently lost her 15mo to cancer has put up pictures with her friends and also of her DS. It's the way she is grieving. I don't think anyone has a right to criticise someone's grieving process as everyone handles it differently. I think you're being very unsympathetic.

Emmapeeler1 · 26/02/2020 18:58

In that case I am sorry for your loss OP. That sounds like it was really hard.

I guess we are all different. Like you I don't really do public grief, aside from a couple of nice photos of my Dad just after he died, and my first Christmas without him.

On the other hand my cousin lost his wife last year and posts (lovely things) about her regularly. I don't think either is wrong. I must admit if it was someone I didn't like well or wasn't a good friend I would feel like I was intruding somehow.

I understand and don't think you are judging.

UnicornRiders · 26/02/2020 18:58

I kind of agree, surely you could pick up the phone & call someone rather than asking for constant sympathy on social media. I find it awkward & exhausting personally.

I would unfollow

Emmapeeler1 · 26/02/2020 18:59

Didn't know well, I meant to say!

Original poster
glitteryboots · 26/02/2020 18:59

You see I wasn't expecting people to agree with me - just looking for opinions and thank you to the people who have said unfollow etc. I will do that. I just wanted opinions not to be ripped to bits for having one of my own.

OP posts:
user32564567 · 26/02/2020 19:00

Did you want everyone to agree with you that someone is doing grief wrong?

Darbs76 · 26/02/2020 19:01

Very unreasonable. Let her grieve her way. Hide her if it bothers you

winterchills · 26/02/2020 19:01

YABU that's mean.

Boom45 · 26/02/2020 19:01

I know some people can be very sniffy about Facebook and other social media but lots of people find writing posts and posting pictures very cathartic. It helps them process their grief or anger or whatever they are feeling in the same way speaking to the samaritans or having a good cry with friends does for others.
I'm sure you are a very lovely person in real life OP but what you have written does come across as criticising the way this poor women is handling her grief and, aside from that, I don't see why you would do anything than scroll on by? What does it matter if she's handling the death of a loved one in a way that you wouldn't?
I realise that raw emotion laid out like that makes people uncomfortable but its healthier for her to let it our one way or another than bottle it up.

cobwebfew · 26/02/2020 19:02

YABU. Just unfollow her so you no longer see her posts if it bothers you so much.

saraclara · 26/02/2020 19:03

I don't like it either, OP, and don't think you deserve the hammering you're getting from some people. But ultimately, yes. It's not the done thing to question anyone's method of grieving.

Just unfollow her for now if there's no real reason why you have to see her posts.

WorraLiberty · 26/02/2020 19:03

just looking for opinions and thank you to the people who have said unfollow etc. I will do that.

But why do you want 'opinions' on how this woman chooses to grieve?

And unfollowing was always going to be a no brainer if you don't like her posts.

L1appelDuVide · 26/02/2020 19:04

To be fair she isn't a friend as such

Thank fuck for that. Who needs friends like you when they can have enemies? Hmm

Original poster
glitteryboots · 26/02/2020 19:05

Boom45 don't get me wrong - I don't care about the posts. I just thought it was a bit odd but the majority of people seem to think IAMU so I can accept that and see it from a different view. I am not heartless and would genuinely help anyone who needed it. Maybe she doesn't have close friends she can turn to.

OP posts:
Kirkman · 26/02/2020 19:05

I just wanted opinions not to be ripped to bits for having one of my own

You wanted people opinions on how this women in particular chooses to grieve and wether she should be going out socialising?

Genuine question....why? I really dont get this thinking. it's not what I would do, but I couldnt even muster a raised eyebrow. Never mind wanting other people to share their opinion on what this women puts on her faceboom or how she grieves

opticaldelusion · 26/02/2020 19:06

Apart from that her daughter and mother are Facebook friends - it is a constant daily reminder for them

He died a month ago. They're thinking of him daily anyway. FFS.

Original poster
glitteryboots · 26/02/2020 19:06

L1appelDuVide you see to me this is far more nasty than anything I have said.

OP posts:
Namechange8471 · 26/02/2020 19:07

Grief is a bastard op, you shouldn’t judge.

I’m one of those people who posts every year for my grandad, he died 13 years ago and was like a dad to me.

Original poster
glitteryboots · 26/02/2020 19:08

Kirkman it was a genuine question and I was interested to know what people thought. I've just never seen anyone do this before.

OP posts:
LouisaF · 26/02/2020 19:10

Your getting a hammering here Op, there’s no need to be so nasty guys!

Honestly Op, I find it odd when people grieve public ally as I don’t. I can’t understand it either.

Believe it or not, there are people that do this purely to get sympathy. Is your FB friend one of these? We don’t know. But people do it

Kirkman · 26/02/2020 19:11

Maybe she doesn't have close friends she can turn to.

Seriously op? What is wrong with you? What has this woman done to you?

She grieves differently so she probably doesnt have any friends or not any as good as yours?

I've just never seen anyone do this before.

You have never seen someone share something on facebook that you wouldnt have shared?

weeklycubrun · 26/02/2020 19:12

It's such a sensitive topic. Everyone grieves in their own way. Some prefer privacy and some shout from the rooftops. Some like people around them. Others like solitude. Some keep their thoughts to themselves. Others post on social media.
Let them be. It's very sad regardless. You shouldn't judge people when the are in their darkest moments.
What was the recent post re Caroline Flack?
Be kind 😘

L1appelDuVide · 26/02/2020 19:14

It really isn’t @glitteryboots. If this person was your friend, you’d be treating her appallingly.

MintyMabel · 26/02/2020 19:15

“I’m judging a grieving person I know on Facebook, I invite you all to judge them too”