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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Posting on Facebook about a deceased relative

210 replies

glitteryboots · 26/02/2020 17:34

I know someone who lost their father probably about a month ago now. Very sad but not entirely unexpected - in his 80s. Lots of sympathetic comments on Facebook - fair enough - I posted my condolences also. However, she is putting on posts about her father every single day - not always pictures but something that refers to him. I think if you are grieving you should grieve with close friends and family not try and get sympathetic messages online every five minutes. In between the messages there are pictures of her going to the cinema or out for a meal - AIBU?

OP posts:
needmoresleep1 · 26/02/2020 20:20

Yesterday I saw someone had posted a pic of their dad who had died! It was the actual dead body!!

Jellybeansincognito · 26/02/2020 20:21

I meant you in my last comment @Thefaceofboe

Argumentative?

I’m genuinely disgraced.

Thefaceofboe · 26/02/2020 20:23

@needmoresleep1 I wouldn’t say that if I was you... there’s some posters ready to pounce...

L1appelDuVide · 26/02/2020 20:24

Jesus Christ @Thefaceofboe just when I thought this thread couldn’t get any lower....

FYI stillborn babies don’t have ‘photo shoots’, their parents are entitled to Go through a process that is known as memory making and why the hell shouldn’t they share their only memories with people they are meant to care about them?!

Thefaceofboe · 26/02/2020 20:24

@Jellybeansincognito yes argumentative. Over something you know nothing about and you have made your mind up off one comment.

PinkiOcelot · 26/02/2020 20:25

It’s totally attention seeking and unnecessary.

Thefaceofboe · 26/02/2020 20:26

@L1appelDuVide the photos are literally under an album called ‘ photo shoot? I’ve never said once they shouldn’t share them, just that for ME, it’s too much.

L1appelDuVide · 26/02/2020 20:28

Good job it isn’t about you then @thefaceofboe!

Jellybeansincognito · 26/02/2020 20:29

try me @Thefaceofboe

You’ve been there for a friend through the loss of a child, and yet think that these parents should have to use trigger warnings on the photos of their children.

what piece of information can make that any better?

Thefaceofboe · 26/02/2020 20:29

@L1appelDuVide good job I didn’t make it about me, I’m posting my opinion on what OP has said on a thread? Confused isn’t that the point

Thefaceofboe · 26/02/2020 20:30

@Jellybeansincognito Hmm

StCharlotte · 26/02/2020 20:31

If it's helping her then it's really none of your business.

A friend and I lost an immediate member of our respective families at around the same time. She has regularly poured her heart out on Facebook since. She is unapologetic about it. Which is fine. But I do wonder if - and how - it actually does help her?

peachgreen · 26/02/2020 20:31

I can guarantee she wouldn't be your friend any longer if she knew you'd called the photos of her child "horrific".

Jellybeansincognito · 26/02/2020 20:33

Yeah, I thought so @Thefaceofboe

Geneva1994 · 26/02/2020 20:33

I’m sorry... but photos of a dead baby posted on Facebook are not nice. @Thefaceofboe is not saying she shouldn’t of posted them just that she finds it awful to see? Don’t we all...

L1appelDuVide · 26/02/2020 20:33

I just personally struggle
just that for ME

You’re making their grief about how you feel about their choices. Just as the OP is. And you’re another one that thinks as long as it’s said behind that person’s back, then there’s no harm done. I dont know what else to say really...

Didshereally · 26/02/2020 20:33

I think @Midsomer captures it best and her post is very astute

Grieving is lonely

@glitteryboots. I felt sad re as img your post. A month is a mere blip in knowing someone all your life, a parent, Let this woman without judging grieve how she feels she will get through it. She's not asking for your opinion as to how appropriate you think she's being. You should unfollow if it triggers your feelings about grief.

If it's not for you, to grieve that way, then that's ok, you obviously had similar painful losses and it's be awful, really unkind if any of those friends who you spoke to in midst of depth of your grief were secretly judging you for 'making a production out of it' when you weren't , you were just surviving.

My sister died over 2 years ago, i still feel floored by her loss. I wish I could find a way, any way, to make it feel better when the periodic grief tidal wave overwhelmingly hits. It came multiple times a day for months on end. I barely remember time passing. So if getting attention on fb works for that lady, well ... good. Ps. My dad is 80, if or when he dies I will be equally devastated but perhaps less angry about it, maybe not, as He's my rock.

Geneva1994 · 26/02/2020 20:33

@Jellybeansincognito you sound like you would argue with a brick wall

frasersmummy · 26/02/2020 20:34

@Thefaceofboe

People including yourself find it hard to look at the pictures of your friends child who was stillborn?? Wow

That's your friends child and it will most likely be one of maybe half a dozen pictures she has of her precious child

Why should she hide them.. She's done nothing wrong..

Why does it make you uncomfortable?

L1appelDuVide · 26/02/2020 20:34

Actually no @Geneva1994, I tend to think that they’re beautiful. Sad but beautiful.

SmallChickBilly · 26/02/2020 20:35

Also, an ex friend of my brother's announced his death on Facebook and managed to get about 40 comments about his loss - they hadn't spoken for at least five years!

I think if you are grieving you should grieve with close friends and family not try and get sympathetic messages online every five minutes.

This comment and the fact that you say she hasn't commented on any of your posts about your brother make it sound as though you think that there is something inherently competitive about posting on Facebook - do you think that might be something to do with it?

You sound as though you think that people commenting on posts is some kind of achievement and that your friend and this friend of your brother are somehow 'cheating' at that by posting about their grief? I can sort of understand how the likes and comments can drag you into a bubble where that kind of thing matters, but it really doesn't. People not responding to your statuses doesn't mean they don't care, just as some people will always write 'thinking of you' on a post about someone's death regardless of how close they are or were. You know who your friends and close family are - don't let Facebook get you down.

Jellybeansincognito · 26/02/2020 20:36

Most of the time it feels like I am @Geneva1994

I stand firm for what I believe in!

I believe that some of these comments are absolutely beyond appalling.
Especially knowing how many people hit rock bottom, stay silent and end their lives.

Picking at people for sharing photos of their deceased babies/ for posting on social media when they’re grieving. It’s not ok.

EmeraldShamrock · 26/02/2020 20:36

I'd ignore though as it is only a month since her father died, she might be grieving this way. I find it more annoying when certain posters write a book on the anniversary of every person they lost.
My niece showed me an awful picture share of a lady, her partner who committed suicide, she circulated his photo, she wants to see how many likes and shares she got as Caroline Flack got many likes and shares. Sad

Geneva1994 · 26/02/2020 20:36

I’m sure they are beautiful and it’s heartbreaking but not everyone wants to see it, simple as that. There’s no point lying and saying otherwise?

L1appelDuVide · 26/02/2020 20:38

Why should what you want to see even come into it?
Let’s say it again, one more time with feeling! It’s. Not. About. You.