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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Posting on Facebook about a deceased relative

210 replies

glitteryboots · 26/02/2020 17:34

I know someone who lost their father probably about a month ago now. Very sad but not entirely unexpected - in his 80s. Lots of sympathetic comments on Facebook - fair enough - I posted my condolences also. However, she is putting on posts about her father every single day - not always pictures but something that refers to him. I think if you are grieving you should grieve with close friends and family not try and get sympathetic messages online every five minutes. In between the messages there are pictures of her going to the cinema or out for a meal - AIBU?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 26/02/2020 19:17

I think if you are grieving you should grieve with close friends and family not try and get sympathetic messages online every five minutes.

In between the messages there are pictures of her going to the cinema or out for a meal

To be fair she isn't a friend as such and she does live her whole life on Facebook.

well to be honest after my brother's death I couldn't have socialised so soon never mind post on Facebook.

I just don't think it's something that should be publicly paraded for everyone.

Oh give over was it a genuine question OP.

You've been judging the fuck out of this woman all the way through the thread, as you can see from just a fraction of your judgey posts above Hmm

CammieKennaway · 26/02/2020 19:20

Have you not considered that maybe she feels unable to talk to anyone in person? Or maybe she actually hasn't got anyone - you can be surrounded by people and still be terribly alone, especially when it comes to grieving. With you saying she lives her life on FB, makes me wonder even more if this is the case as I've been in that situation (thankfully not anymore and I do cringe when I remember how often I posted about anything and everything, but I was desperately alone and suicidal with grief)
As others have said, she could just be posting to get her feelings off her chest and not actually wanting anyone to comment.
Everyone uses SM differently and gets something different out of it and everyone has the power to hide others instead of getting irritated

opticaldelusion · 26/02/2020 19:21

I tell you what I think is a bit of a weird use of social media in respect of grief...

A friend posted that her nephew has suddenly died. Very sad. Perfectly appropriate post. Lots of nice responses and condolences. Her sister, i.e. the mum of the dead child, posts a response. It's a cartoon crying GIF. Now that's a bit odd isn't it? I can't imagine posting cartoon crying emojis if my kid died suddenly... Seems a bit... lightweight Confused

notalwaysalondoner · 26/02/2020 19:22

I had something similar when someone was driving me nuts with vague “pity posts” that didn’t actually tell you what the issue was, you know, “Today is just as hard as yesterday but I’ll keep fighting”. Every single day. For months.

Then I found out she’d lost her leg in a terrible lorry accident. It taught me to be more generous to people feeling sorry for themselves on social media.

maddy68 · 26/02/2020 19:22

People grieve in different ways. Don't judge them because it's not your way.
Just unfollow them then you won't see them but they're still you friends

winniethekid · 26/02/2020 19:22

YABVVU to judge how somebody else is grieving. It's a very personal thing and how she is grieving is not hurting you, are you always this insensitive?

OhCaptain · 26/02/2020 19:23

This is so mean spirited!

Why did you post? You say to get opinions but why? Truthfully you wanted people to mock her along with you.

You have your reasons for posting about your brother. You say it’s for your mum so people will remember for her sake. Confused

And this person is will have her reasons.

Just because she deals with it differently doesn’t mean you’re in any way superior.

It’s so odd that you would look at her posts and choose to come onto a public forum to mock her for them.

Ask yourself why you’re the type of person to want to do that to someone.

peanacat · 26/02/2020 19:24

OP just going to say that I understand your post, and the people calling you nasty, and the word ‘Bitch’ even came up, now that’s actually horrible. MNers always hide behind their username and tbh so many members on here just have a problem with anything you post.

I’ve put one post up since I’ve been on here, an innocent little grievance I had, and I had so many what I would deem nasty replies.

I would find it odd her posting stuff too, but it would be one of those things I just sigh and scroll past unless I felt it was a genuine cry for help.

Original poster
glitteryboots · 26/02/2020 19:24

I will be gong now - I really can't say the right thing. For everyone who has said nasty things to me just remember you really don't know who you are dealing with online or the reason for their posts. This woman will never know I asked this question on here and will be none the wiser. I however may take the comments to heart. And for the record if I didn't agree with someone who was posting something I would reasonably tell them why, not call them every name under the sun.

OP posts:
winniethekid · 26/02/2020 19:27

Your getting a hammering here Op, there’s no need to be so nasty guys!

WTF do you expect? She's criticising somebody on a public forum who is grieving the loss of her father very recently and inviting others to agree with her. She's hardly going to be told how wonderful she is, this is AIBU not sycophants anonymous

Elle7rose · 26/02/2020 19:30

Just 'Unfollow' your friend on Facebook, you don't need to unfriend or block her.

People vary in how much they share about their feelings on Facebook. Your friend is just being very honest and probably feels like she needs support to get through this.

You don't know whether the grief is making her feel suicidal or as though she's not coping and she's just looking for love and support.

Blahdeeeblah · 26/02/2020 19:37

Some people like posting their life story on Facebook. There was one girl i knew who had an unplanned (young) pregnancy which ended up being from a one night stand type guy who she used to slate at any given opportunity...literally felt like i would see 5 posts a day for months..so unfriended her. Became too much.

Maybe do the same, unfollow or unfriend if its too much for your liking. Although people grieve in different ways.

CD14 · 26/02/2020 19:38

Just scroll on by or unfollow her. I get your point I do. But everyone grieves in different ways. She isn’t doing anything wrong.

My grandfather has just died. I don’t post constant updates but have added some photos. He was a much loved man and it’s bringing me great comfort how much he was loved by so many.

JRUIN · 26/02/2020 19:40

This woman will never know I asked this question on here and will be none the wiser.

What if there is someone reading this thread who has recently lost a loved one and is using FB as an outlet for their grief just as your 'friend' is though? Don't you worry about upsetting them?

lottiegarbanzo · 26/02/2020 19:44

She can post what she likes. You don't have to comment.

LouisaF · 26/02/2020 19:44

@winniethekid it’s not acceptable to verbally abuse somebody.

Graeb · 26/02/2020 19:45

After my husband died suddenly and the funeral was over and everyone went back to their lives (as they should) I felt like telling everyone I met and on social media every day that the world was missing a wonderful human being. I didn’t want them to forget that he had lived and his death had created a huge hole in our lives because people eventually stop saying their name and they are afraid to mention it in case you start crying and making them uncomfortable. So I didn’t do that. I grieved the way people expected. Openly after he died and then privately when people had decided it too uncomfortable to see me grieve. I wish I had had the courage to grieve the way I wanted and posted about my wonderful husband every day even though people would have judged me because he deserved not to be forgotten.

FizzyIce · 26/02/2020 19:47

This really is none of your concern .
I don’t know how I would deal with it and if posting lots of things for the next few weeks was what helped me then so be it

The80sweregreat · 26/02/2020 19:48

It sounds as if she could do with some counselling or something rather than this as people will get fed up with saying the same things or just scroll past and ignore her which is worse I think.
Your friends can only say so much after all.
It's a tough one as some people don't move on from a death : I know people still mulling over a death 20 years on and will post up things : what can anybody say? It won't bring them back I'm afraid.
It is hard.

winniethekid · 26/02/2020 19:50

@winniethekid it’s not acceptable to verbally abuse somebody.

I haven't verbally abused anybody so that's OK then.

wildcherries · 26/02/2020 19:50

Leave her be. Other people grieve and deal differently to you. Shocker. You're not not coming across great on this thread.

catx1606 · 26/02/2020 19:54

You're commenting on her posting about a dead relative yet you post about your dead relative every year on the anniversary of their death. So basically you're both kind of doing the same thing? Let her do what shes feels right and you do what you feel is right.

A friend of mine lost her dad last year, she posted constantly for a while and then slowly stopped. Give her time.

SnowyPetals · 26/02/2020 19:57

I think I would find that irritating if they weren't a close friend, but different people use Facebook in different ways. Best to unfollow her for now and maybe check back in a couple of months.

L1appelDuVide · 26/02/2020 20:00

remember you really don't know who you are dealing with online

The irony!

You’re the second person recently, I’ve seen defend themselves by claiming it’s ok because they’re not saying whatever disparaging thing it is to their face. Since when was it more acceptable to say these things behind a person’s back and let them continue to think you’re a friend/acquaintance? Surely that’s 100x worse.

You had options:
Engage.
Ignore.
Unfollow.
Unfriend.
Block.

But instead you chose to judge them - a person in a great deal of pain - anonymously. I know what I wouldn’t have chosen.

CJsGoldfish · 26/02/2020 20:02

She isn't a friend - long story
And there you have it. Long story indeed.
Sorry we couldn't all jump on board and agree with you that she's can't really be grieving etc. That somehow, the way she is managing her grief isn't the right way.

do you know why I do it? To remind the relatives who don't bother contacting my mum - sister, brothers etc. that she lost a son and that they should be contacting her
It's not for me it's so that my mum's family get in touch with her. It tears her apart that they forget
So you are THAT kind of poster. The PA type. Way, way worse than your 'not friend'.

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