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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm pregnant & partners ex has gone berserk!

273 replies

LouiseCollina · 26/02/2020 15:07

Long story short, I've been with my partner over eighteen months and I'm four months pregnant. His marriage began a slow and ugly decline about eight years ago and finally hit the wall two years before I came along. The marriage has been over for years and (thank God!) everyone including their children knows I had nothing to do with that.

The sh!t has hit the fan a couple of times since we've been together, starting with his ex wife going berserk when she first found out about us and putting her sitting room windows in on top of her own children! Shock

A couple of months back she was carried off to hospital because she'd taken too many benzos on top of a bellyful of vodka. It resulted in an accidental overdose and she had to have her stomach pumped. She was fine in the end but of course it distressed the hell out of her children.

Last night she found out about my pregnancy and she's gone berserk again. She's currently locked in her bedroom screaming at everyone and no one. Hopefully there'll be no substances involved this time but if she gets through this news without them hats off to her because it'll be a first.

Of course this behaviour had a lot to do with the breakdown of the marriage. Being as I am not a fool I made sure I verified these claims and was given identical stories by two of my partners sisters and his eldest daughter. What I am wondering now is how I navigate the future when my partner shares a gang of kids with this woman (they're mid teens to late twenties) and I understandably want my child to have shag-all to do with her.

I've never been in a situation remotely like this before and any advice from anyone who's been through or observed something similar would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
Dontdisturbmenow · 26/02/2020 15:14

That's a lot of judgemental attitude for a woman who regardless of the situation, was poorly enough to attempt suicide.

If you don't care about iota about her and her welfare, which indeed, has nothing to do with you, so no need to bear any responsibility, what's the issue? Enjoy your pregnancy and your life and stay out of hers. Your OH's can deal with any issues that impacts on his children with her. Your child won't have anything to do with her.

Considering your feelings for her which you made clear on your post, I would just recommend you stay away from it all.

grudieabbey · 26/02/2020 15:18

She sounds very ill and her family should seek support for her. The whole situation sounds highly dysfunctional.

LukeSkywalkingOnTheseHaters · 26/02/2020 15:20

putting her sitting room windows in on top of her own children!

What on earth does this mean? I'm genuinely confused.

She's currently locked in her bedroom screaming at everyone and no one.

Does she live in the same house as you?!

notanotherjigsawpiece · 26/02/2020 15:21

shares a gang of kids with this woman

How many? I’m just being nosey as a gang sounds like rather a lot Grin

hellcarryingahandbag · 26/02/2020 15:22

I would actually phone an ambulance and get her put in hospital for treatment and for her safety. She sounds unhinged, and clearly needs help.

hellcarryingahandbag · 26/02/2020 15:26

Also, the whole situation sounds highly maladjusted. How do you know all of this? You seem to have heard all of this in real time.

edwinbear · 26/02/2020 15:30

putting her sitting room windows in on top of her own children

Confused what on earth does that mean? She sounds unwell and in need of support rather than judgement OP

Finfintytint · 26/02/2020 15:32

Putting her windows in means smashing them.

Imtootired · 26/02/2020 15:33

What does she say when she gets upset? How old are you all?

Flutteringsatlast · 26/02/2020 15:33

Suggest your dp applies for full custody and ring ss. They need protecting.
She needs urgent help.

FizzyGreenWater · 26/02/2020 15:33

Assume OP means that the woman smashed the sitting room windows in and her children were in the room at the time.

Brefugee · 26/02/2020 15:34

it sounds like she broke the windows? (from outside and the kids were inside?)

TBH - I don't think you're being that judgy from your POV she's going over the top. But from an outside POV she needs help. Since your DH's children aren't small is there any need for her to have any influence on your life?

3timeslucky · 26/02/2020 15:34

The woman is clearly unwell but you have no relationship with her. So you provide support to her children (and your partner) as and when they need it though it isn't clear given their ages how much they're with you. There's no reason your child would ever have contact with her so that's a bit of a red-herring.

From what you've described right now I'd assume a family member has called an ambulance and that the children's father has collected them and they're at his home now.

Janedoe82 · 26/02/2020 15:35

I would phone the mental health team at the local hospital. This is so so sad.

CatherineTheNotSoGreat · 26/02/2020 15:37

Whatever is going on with her is her own issue.
The real issue here is that there are kids at risk. Ring SS.
You can deal with the rest if needs be in a more measured fashion.

AryaStarkWolf · 26/02/2020 15:37

You sound awful, clearly the woman is unwell. Why would your child have to have anything to do with her anyway?

PurpleDaisies · 26/02/2020 15:39

She sounds very unwell at the moment.

Bibidy · 26/02/2020 15:40

Stay as far away from it as you can OP, she's nothing to do with you.

Her family are the ones that need to deal with her issues, your DP can manage any support his kids need.

TheresNothingIWantMore · 26/02/2020 15:40

"putting her sitting room windows in on top of her own children" = smashed her own windows, and the glass landed on her children

I'm about 85% sure!

VeniceQueen2004 · 26/02/2020 15:42

Important things are:

  1. how old are his children? If any of them are still living with her they should not be. If your partner is any kind of father he'll have been aggressively seeking full custody long before this. Are they and has he? The priority and care he hives his current children will be a good bellweather for how you can expect him to treat yours in the event your relationship goes south. If he has left them to live with this clearly unwell person whilst regaling you with horror stories, I'd be asking some very serious questions about what kind of dad he's going to make.

  2. If all the children are adult and moved out, it does indeed have 'shag-all' to do with you and your child. It has to do with your DP only insofar as it affects his children, and he may need emotional support to deal with his worries about their safety and mental health as a result of having such a dysfunctional upbringing. Other than that, why on earth would it have any impact on you or your child unless you stick your nose in?

VeniceQueen2004 · 26/02/2020 15:43

Have to say though, the tone of your post is incredibly unlikeable. The woman is clearly very ill. Your sneering isn't helping her, your partner or their poor bloody kids.

UYScuti · 26/02/2020 15:45

my partner shares a gang of kids
they will be traumatized by what has happened to their mother and they may well be at risk of harm, their mother clearly has severe mental health issues you seem to want to dismiss all of this as an annoyance, but these are your partner's traumatized children!

ShesCurly · 26/02/2020 15:45

Are the children safe and out of that environment? I assume they are with your partner? The teens need a stable and healthy environment in which to stay.

This woman is unwell and needs help from professionals, she sounds very poorly.

Don't engage in negative conversations around the children, be factual and supportive.

Thinking about navigating your baby to be's future relationship with this woman (I don't think there needs to be any relationship between baby and her anyway) and her children is not a pressing priority in such a crisis situation.

Priority is keeping everyone safe and getting help for those who need it.

Fucck · 26/02/2020 15:45

It says the 'kids' are mid teens to twenties. That means they're old enough to vote with their feet and choose who they live with. If the youngest is 15ish any judge would take their opinion into account on who gets custody.

ShalomBitches · 26/02/2020 15:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.