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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm pregnant & partners ex has gone berserk!

273 replies

LouiseCollina · 26/02/2020 15:07

Long story short, I've been with my partner over eighteen months and I'm four months pregnant. His marriage began a slow and ugly decline about eight years ago and finally hit the wall two years before I came along. The marriage has been over for years and (thank God!) everyone including their children knows I had nothing to do with that.

The sh!t has hit the fan a couple of times since we've been together, starting with his ex wife going berserk when she first found out about us and putting her sitting room windows in on top of her own children! Shock

A couple of months back she was carried off to hospital because she'd taken too many benzos on top of a bellyful of vodka. It resulted in an accidental overdose and she had to have her stomach pumped. She was fine in the end but of course it distressed the hell out of her children.

Last night she found out about my pregnancy and she's gone berserk again. She's currently locked in her bedroom screaming at everyone and no one. Hopefully there'll be no substances involved this time but if she gets through this news without them hats off to her because it'll be a first.

Of course this behaviour had a lot to do with the breakdown of the marriage. Being as I am not a fool I made sure I verified these claims and was given identical stories by two of my partners sisters and his eldest daughter. What I am wondering now is how I navigate the future when my partner shares a gang of kids with this woman (they're mid teens to late twenties) and I understandably want my child to have shag-all to do with her.

I've never been in a situation remotely like this before and any advice from anyone who's been through or observed something similar would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
doubleshotespresso · 26/02/2020 16:41

What an absolutely awfully sad but vile thread.

OP if your baby turns out to be a daughter, I hope you adopt a more human tone with her- the poor woman sounds like a bit of empathy and understanding might go a long way beyond your current tone.

Sarahlou63 · 26/02/2020 16:43

Sounds like you've had a lot of abuse over the entire length of your relationship, rather than being simply heartless. Have you considered legal advice regarding a barring order if you are worried about your safety?

AryaStarkWolf · 26/02/2020 16:43

@TeddyIsaHe "Your" children as in they belong to her (the person who smashed the glass.

beanaseireann · 26/02/2020 16:43

How many children does your partner have with his ex wife.
I would be worried too LouiseCollina

Sparklingbrook · 26/02/2020 16:43

@Nowayorhighway, I know what you meant. That whatever's going on you don't break glass over your children, you weren't addressing the OP just making a statement.

ScabbyBabby · 26/02/2020 16:46

You sound very flippant about a woman who clearly has mental health/alcohol issues which must be traumatic for her children. You're making this about you and you haven't even had the baby yet. It comes across like you're enjoying the drama of it all.

MindatWork · 26/02/2020 16:47

How are you even hearing about all this stuff op?

As a PP has said, as the children are older, you and your baby needn't have anything to do with her. Just ask your DP/extended family not to tell you anything about her.

Honestly though, I'd expect my DP to fight for full custody of his children if that's how their mother behaved. It's all very well having a shoulder-shrugging attitude to alcohol and medication abuse, but not good for teens to be around it - however 'robust' they might seem.

Your follow up post sounds like you're implying she might come and try to hurt you physically in some way - is that what you're getting at?

saraclara · 26/02/2020 16:48

She’s drinking because I would assume a mental health issue. Would you be so judgemental if she had a broken bone or an immunity illness

Would anyone be saying this if the ex partner was a man?

SunshineCake · 26/02/2020 16:49

Unhinged is such a horrible dismissive term for someone who is struggling.

KellyHall · 26/02/2020 16:50

Block her. Don't answer the phone or the door to her. She's not your problem. If she harasses you, report her to the police. If she persists, get an injunction.

Appletreehouse · 26/02/2020 16:52

I don't understand how any of this affects your unborn baby? Are you scared she'll threaten you and your child? If she has done so you need to report to police. Otherwise the children have their father, you can support them when they are in your home by being supportive of them and not getting involved with discussions about their mother. Your own child doesn't need any contact with this woman surely?

MRex · 26/02/2020 16:55

It would be useful to arrange for your DH and the children to get some support from Al-Anon. If it were me, I'd get the teenagers moving in asap, even if that briefly escalates matters (if it does then call the police). Teenagers shouldn't be living in the midst of alcoholic chaos when there's any alternative. Whether she needs or could benefit from psychiatric support is very hard to know, but your DH might be able to get support figuring that out (for the sake of his kids) from Al-Anon.

You're worried for your child and shocked by the drama, I can see that much; and breaking a window over your own kids is awful. I can also see what people mean by your judgemental tone, but the descriptive dramatic style is very similar to someone I know and it doesn't mean she isn't a kind person, quite the opposite. It does mean you'll struggle to find a sympathetic audience on AIBU though, maybe try starting again and being clearer about what you want out of it by way of advice.

Shrekhasabogie · 26/02/2020 16:55

I’d be interested to know how much of her behaviour is a result of her relationship with her ex. Perhaps in a few years it will be your turn to be the crrrrrraaaaazy ex whose children have been trained to roll their eyes at their mother?

3timeslucky · 26/02/2020 16:55

I am just feeling actually scared at this point, that my future may unfold in such as way as to be affected by this crazy behaviour, and since our children will be half-brother/sisters I am wondering how do I proceed while ensuring that we have as little as possible (and preferably nothing) to do with one another?

She is your partner's ex, and more significantly the mother of his children, so to that extent your lives are connected - but you've known that from the outset. But there is no reason why you should have anything at all to do with each other. That's between him and her. You will of course have a reasonable amount to do with his children given he has shared custody - but you also knew that from the outset. Given her volatility it clearly makes sense that you would not attend any family events that she would be at (eg the teens 21st birthdays or graduations). In other circumstances you and she could both attend and be courteous if not friendly but that clearly isn't the case.

I get that it is worrying that your partner's ex has these behaviours/problems but I don't really understand why you're worried for you (or why now more than any other time over the past 18 months), but I would be deeply concerned about any children living in that environment. You have the option to steer well clear but it seems that they don't.

MashedSpud · 26/02/2020 16:55

Is a gang of kids like a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a shoal of fish etc?

Is it more or less than 10?

Is there a gang of years between you and this man who has many children? Are you looking forward to being stepmum this Mother’s Day?

TheVanguardSix · 26/02/2020 16:57

(thank God!) everyone including their children knows I had nothing to do with that.

Well, bully for you, OP! At least your halo's spit-shined, your shit don't stink, and butter don't melt.

Mumto1girl3boys · 26/02/2020 16:57

Why are people judging OP for getting pregnant? Surely a physco ex cant dictate whether her ex and current partner have kids?

Original poster
LouiseCollina · 26/02/2020 16:58

Where is she getting Valium from? My dh was prescribed it last year and the pharmacists were not happy to dispense it.

I don't know. I'd assume it's on prescription as she seems to have it frequently, but she could be buying it regularly for all I know.

I’m impressed she takes vodka and diazepam together, I’d be on the floor with that combination.

So was she, literally.

Some people have wondered about the involvement of social services. My partner and his eldest daughter reported her together after the window smashing incident.

OP posts:
MarchDaffs · 26/02/2020 16:59

The unpalatable truth OP is that you've put yourself into a situation where you're reliant on your partner and to a lesser extent his other children and family members, to ensure your child isn't exposed to his ex. If they dont want to do that, you'll have a problem. There are going to be loads of events your child and his ex might both feasibly be at, and if your partner wants your child to go and you don't, you're not going to be able to veto it.

picklemewalnuts · 26/02/2020 16:59

Your baby won't be involved with her, except at rare extended family events that you may be lucky enough to be invited to- weddings, and birthdays, maybe. There will be enough people at either for you to be able to steer clear.

AryaStarkWolf · 26/02/2020 17:00

My partner and his eldest daughter reported her together after the window smashing incident.

Surely if the youngest kids are teens now though, they could just choose to live with their dad without SSs having to take them away from her?

Suebnm · 26/02/2020 17:01

Why don't you want to say how many children your boyfriend has with his ex wife?

JudyCoolibar · 26/02/2020 17:01

I feel for the poor woman. No matter what went on in their marriage, her marriage ended and within 6 months her exH was already in a new relationship with someone he impregnated soon after.

Agh, this is so stereotypically AIBU/MN: in your eagerness to beat up the OP, God forbid that you should waste time actually reading her posts properly. It's perfectly clear that they split up two years before the exH even got together with OP.

HopefullyAnonymous · 26/02/2020 17:01

OP I think you’re getting a bit of a hard time here. If she’s behaving in this way, she has been for a long time, it will have an impact on you. It will affect the children and your partner greatly, and obviously a lot of time and energy will be spent dealing with and discussing her whether you yourself try to stay clear of her or not. Not to mention that a great deal of her anger seems to be directed at you.

It’s impossible to say from your post whether she is mentally unwell or not; I meet a large number of people through work where this behaviour would be completely “normal” for them and not particularly indicative of an underlying MH problem.

YANBU to worry that the drama (for want of a better word) and stress will affect you/the baby but I do agree with the advice to stay as far away as possible. Support your DP and his children but avoid engaging with her at all; it won’t help either of you.

Does she have any support from her own family?

Sparklingbrook · 26/02/2020 17:02

The judgement over having a baby is because this man has 'a gang of kids' already and some of them live with his Ex who sounds like she needs help.
The ex isn't dictating anything, it's the whole situation.

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