I'm pregnant & partners ex has gone berserk!

[LouiseCollina]

Long story short, I've been with my partner over eighteen months and I'm four months pregnant. His marriage began a slow and ugly decline about eight years ago and finally hit the wall two years before I came along. The marriage has been over for years and (thank God!) everyone including their children knows I had nothing to do with that.

The sh!t has hit the fan a couple of times since we've been together, starting with his ex wife going berserk when she first found out about us and putting her sitting room windows in on top of her own children!

A couple of months back she was carried off to hospital because she'd taken too many benzos on top of a bellyful of vodka. It resulted in an accidental overdose and she had to have her stomach pumped. She was fine in the end but of course it distressed the hell out of her children.

Last night she found out about my pregnancy and she's gone berserk again. She's currently locked in her bedroom screaming at everyone and no one. Hopefully there'll be no substances involved this time but if she gets through this news without them hats off to her because it'll be a first.

Of course this behaviour had a lot to do with the breakdown of the marriage. Being as I am not a fool I made sure I verified these claims and was given identical stories by two of my partners sisters and his eldest daughter. What I am wondering now is how I navigate the future when my partner shares a gang of kids with this woman (they're mid teens to late twenties) and I understandably want my child to have shag-all to do with her.

I've never been in a situation remotely like this before and any advice from anyone who's been through or observed something similar would be much appreciated.

I’m not surprised you’re worried, OP. Violence is intimidating, especially when you’re pregnant and thinking about your child in the future. But your child shouldn’t be at risk as I’m sure you’ll keep him/her safely away from your stepchildren’s mother.
The younger stepchildren may well need protection, and it’s your partner’s duty to protect them.

Marriage ended two years ago. U got together 18 months ago and you are 4 months pregnant.

I don't like the tone of her OP either but that's not what she said, what she said was The marriage ended years ago and that she got together with him 2 years after they split

Fourtea I didn't say to ignore the step siblings. You can't win on mn sometimes. If she had been involved as a stepmom she would have been told it was none of her business.

Just all sounds very Jeremy Kyle-esque if you ask me. You included.

Marriage ended two years ago. U got together 18 months ago and you are 4 months pregnant. I presume you were aware she was unstable and he had a platoon of kids already.

Their marriage ended three and a half years ago. We got together two years after that. This pregnancy was unplanned, however I have no apologies to make to you for it.

Are you in America?

within 6 months her exH was already in a new relationship with someone he impregnated soon after

You read the OP wrong

Well OP I am not sure what you need in terms of advice. Since the DC of your boyfriend are almost all grown up (how old are you both BTW) then you will never need to interact with this woman and your own child will never see her.

So, ignore her, concentrate on you and your own DC and just let your OH deal with his children with her and any issues they have. Maintain a nice , civil relationship with his DC, but do not involve yourself in their mother's life in any way shape or form - she is not part of your family so you do not need to involve yourself.

Enchiladas Please read the Op's post - marriage was over 2 years before she came along so over 3 years until she got pregnant. She is obviously living with this rather than gossiping so don't think it is a case of grow up. Once again if this was the ex H doing all these things he would be condemned but because it is ex W you feel sorry for her! Weird!

Is the reason you want your child to have 'shag-all' to do with her because you understand the traumatic effect witnessing someone have a mental breakdown has on a child, be it it a 5yr old or a 15yr old? Can you comprehend how much worse it is to watch your own mum go through a breakdown like this, being so mentally unwell and be completely unable to help her, whether you are 5, 15 or 25?

To be honest, it doesn't seem like this is the angle you're coming from with this.

If she is a drug taking alcoholic with mental health issues why does she have any custody of the kids? Why doesn't your partner insist they live permanently with him? They should not be witnessing this. Even if they seem apparently fine it will be damaging them

Not from me lazyarse. I'm just saying it's not as easy as stepping aside and distancing yourself from the situation. I can't understand why anyone would parachute themselves into the middle of such a shit storm by getting preganant in this situation, but closing your eyes and pretending that you haven't won't help.

She’s drinking because I would assume a mental health issue. Would you be so judgemental if she had a broken bone or an immunity illness? Mental health isn’t someone being a dick, it’s an ILLNESS. The same as any other.

I feel horribly for his ex, she clearly has no support and is struggling. You could be a hell of a lot kinder, you never know, you might have horrific PND and then you’ll understand. It doesn’t cost you anything to try and be understanding.

I'm afraid she's in your life, now. Of course you don't have to actively seek her company, but your partner has children with her, so he's tied to her for life, and now that you're having a child with him, the two of you are also bound for life, even if you eventually split up. Not to mention that your child is a half-sibling to her children.

However, you can do your utmost to ignore her. Based on what you say, few will take her side, so there's no need to engage with or even react to her (unless things escalate the point that police should be called). Maybe she'll eventually wear herself out and move on. Your pregnancy was apparently a bombshell in her life. I'm not sure what else could happen to trigger another such an explosive reaction from her, unless you and her ex decide to marry. If you ever do, I'd prepare for more craziness.

Your DP should go for full custody. She needs help but in the meantime she should only be allowed supervised contact.

She has an illness but that doesn’t excuse smashing glass all over your children. Mumsnet is so weird at times.

@Nowayorhighway they’re not op’s children

There is no reason to allow her any involvement with your child.

So hang on to that and refuse to get sucked into the drama,

You sound horribly unsympathetic and I hope you never experience any mental health issues yourself. Your partner's priority should be ensuring his children's safety.

If the OP feels unsafe because she is pregnant I think that is reasonable. I do know a woman who was bat shit towards the second wife, again not the other woman. It was ugly the police and courts were involved.

The children have gone through hell poor mites.

@TeddyIsaHe never said they were.

Well this was a series of excellent choices on your part.

smashing glass all over your children. Mumsnet is so weird at times.

@Nowayorhighway

If she is a drug taking alcoholic with mental health issues why does she have any custody of the kids? Why doesn't your partner insist they live permanently with him? They should not be witnessing this. Even if they seem apparently fine it will be damaging them

This.

If the situation is as you've described and can switch so easily to being volatile and all hell breaking loose then why on earth isn't your partner stepping up and doing what he can to get full custody of the younger children?

They're teens now and this has been going on a while - they need someone to parent them and if their mum is ill (or if you just think she is batshit) then that is going to need to be their dad.

I would be hesitant to have children with a man who is happy for his existing kids to live some or all of the time with someone he believes to be drink/drug dependent and volatile to the point there is risk of injury e.g. the windows.

Op the undertone of your post is one of glee.

I’m not sure if you dislike the woman, are jealous of her, or are maybe a drama junkie, but it comes across as quite distasteful, as you describe a woman struggling.