I'm pregnant & partners ex has gone berserk!

[LouiseCollina]

Long story short, I've been with my partner over eighteen months and I'm four months pregnant. His marriage began a slow and ugly decline about eight years ago and finally hit the wall two years before I came along. The marriage has been over for years and (thank God!) everyone including their children knows I had nothing to do with that.

The sh!t has hit the fan a couple of times since we've been together, starting with his ex wife going berserk when she first found out about us and putting her sitting room windows in on top of her own children!

A couple of months back she was carried off to hospital because she'd taken too many benzos on top of a bellyful of vodka. It resulted in an accidental overdose and she had to have her stomach pumped. She was fine in the end but of course it distressed the hell out of her children.

Last night she found out about my pregnancy and she's gone berserk again. She's currently locked in her bedroom screaming at everyone and no one. Hopefully there'll be no substances involved this time but if she gets through this news without them hats off to her because it'll be a first.

Of course this behaviour had a lot to do with the breakdown of the marriage. Being as I am not a fool I made sure I verified these claims and was given identical stories by two of my partners sisters and his eldest daughter. What I am wondering now is how I navigate the future when my partner shares a gang of kids with this woman (they're mid teens to late twenties) and I understandably want my child to have shag-all to do with her.

I've never been in a situation remotely like this before and any advice from anyone who's been through or observed something similar would be much appreciated.

Sorry OP, but I think at this point all you can do is not engage with her as far as humanly possible and report to SS and the police as appropriate.

There's no particular reason your child will have anything to do with her barring scary incidents that would involve the police but in having a baby with your DP you have effectively made your stepchildren part of your family if they weren't already and their mother is part of their family so, yes, the 'issue' of her is going to be present in your life one way or another forever and I'm not sure you can do much about it.

But you must have realised that that would be the case to some extent when you got together with your DP because that is always the case to one extent or another whenever you're with someone who already has children with someone else. It's not usually in quite such a dramatic fashion, of course, but it always baffles me when the realisation that the other parent and previous partner will always be a presence only seems to dawn on new partners way down the line of a relationship...

I don't know why people keep saying she sounds ill and needs help. She might, she might just be someone who loses their shit and is violent when drunk and it's mixed with benzos ( apologies to the poster who considers benzos an impolite word ) . In the uk, you can't be sectioned for alcohol or drug abuse, she's far more likely to end up in the criminal justice system. And you can't force someone to get help for alcohol problems, unless they want help it will do no good

You have my sympathy OP. I think in naice MN land any kind of anti-social behaviour must be mh problems. Sadly, in my world, some people are just arseholes with no regard for anyone other than themselves

do you not think OPs partner talks about this?
And as we know, his account is bound to be fully accurate! New partners are so naive if they think they get the full true story about their failed relationship with their ex. And how would he know so much about her life since he left?

In any case, why discuss her? If her ex talk about her in such way, OP is free to tell her OH that she'd rather not talk about her and she's not interested in knowing things about her. It's easy to moan about someone but really relish in the drama wanting to know and discuss them at any opportunity.

It’s because the psychiatrically unwell self medicate with alcohol, and you don’t get prescribed diazepam easily.

I would think the reason Op knows so much is that the kids tell their dad when they see/speak to him.

I know how u feel in a way op-dh ex wasnt an alcoholic but was just batshit called me names prank phone calls she was mad
just have as little to do with her as possible-what did ss say?

I thought this was going to be about me! Your baby has nothing to do with your partners ex. Keep out of it.

If i was you id be more concerned that your partner allows his children to be in this "unstable enviroment"..its not painting him in a very good light if things are as bad as you have portrayed and he is not at least making the effort to remove them from this enviroment...and as you havent given much indication that you are concerned about his children perhaps you would be better getting of your high horse and taking a back seat

Hang on...unstable behaviour is a symptom. It maybe a personality disorder, psychosis, substance misuse, but it is an indication something is wrong. What is important is to separate a judgement on a person from what the problem is because even arseholes need help. So it's fine sitting there observing someone going batshit and just putting it all down to drama and attention seeking without either trying to help protect those getting caught in the fall out or get the unstable person help to minimise further catastrophe.

Or.
Shut up. Walk on by and say nothing about it. Dont hold this womans life up for assessment by strangers on the internet so you can share the drama.
See. That's sorted out for you now.

My advice to you is run! Have your baby and ditch your partner! Find a new one without the baggage! Good Luck!

Ah so OP is to ditch the partner and his baggage. Your partner just ditched his baggage I.e. His children! WTF!

So your partner is telling you all this and (surprise surprise) his mum and sister concur with his version of events. This could be down to what he says bring true, or it could be down to the high degree of enmeshment found in dysfunctional families. They're hardly impartial sources are they?!

If i were you I would have a long think about what he (and they) stand to gain by keeping you afraid of this woman.

I can think of a few things:

It stops you from ever hearing her side of the story - which may not exactly paint him in a favourable light.

It creates a clear binary between 'good' you and 'crazy' her which gives you an incentive to be compliant and 'well-behaved' by comparison, because you can see what will be said about you if you ever step out of line. Good news for him.

It lines you up to help him 'take on' their kids full time if he decides to go for residence. Which he may well do if any of what he's told you about her is true.

Divide and rule, op. Oldest trick in the book.

@DingleberryRose we have 5 at home and he has 3 living with their mother.
Its fun! Lol
OP you're better off stepping back and letting DP sort kids and exw family sort her. She obviously needs help

Lots of opinions on here about valium/ diazepam/ benzodiazepines. They are highly addictive and often prescribed short term to help manage things like shock, stress, insomnia and withdrawal.

I am prescribed them longterm for symptom management for my disability.

They’re also heavily enjoyed/abused by all sorts of different people, not just junkies.

Poor kids. Crap parents. Not their fault.And another on the way What do you and the ex see in this man? He doesn't sound like much of a catch if he cannot be a decent parent to his existing children. What a load of drama. Your tone is disgraceful.

All this sounds like a brand new episode of shameless

Frank Gallagher has met a new women and she’s pregnant

Great that you're having a baby with him.

Man smashes window over kids: abusive arsehole, mental illness is not a reason for violence, call the police!
Woman smashes window over kids: come on now, a bit of understanding she's not well. It's probably your partners fault as he's a man

Man smashes window over kids: abusive arsehole, mental illness is not a reason for violence, call the police!
Woman smashes window over kids: come on now, a bit of understanding she's not well. It's probably your partners fault as he's a man

Exactly. I'm appalled by the poll response statistics. It'd be 100% in favour of the OP if the ex was a man.

Feel sorry for her kids but sounds like they're at the upper age limit so they can hopefully move out soon.

To where? With what? What if they want to continue their education?

Shit @Nowayorhighway I totally misunderstood your post. I do apologise!

So your partner is telling you all this and (surprise surprise) his mum and sister concur with his version of events.

His two sisters and his own eldest daughter concur with his version of events, and also added their own bells and whistles besides.

I'm going to bow out now as there are literally scores of comments like the above that make clear many posters are running on their own assumptions without bothering to read the thread and consequently responding to fictional comments that were never made.

Also there is clear anti-male prejudice on this thread as some recent posters have pointed out. If this were an account of a man smashing glass all over his own children while they were sitting on their sitting room sofa there's not a chance this thread would read as it does. Those kids are lucky they weren't ripped to bits that day, but it seems many posters are content to look the other way on that as it was their mother showering them with glass and not their father.

This isn't the first example of anti-male prejudice involved in this whole ugly scene; he got his first dose of that in the family courts. The sheer amount of people who've come on here castigating him for not having full custody in the few hours since I've looked at this thread is just staggering! He was denied full custody and spends a significant amount of her custody time taking his son to the gym in the evenings and takes both kids out every chance he gets including to sporting events etc. She doesn't have a thing to say about this, because she couldn't give a fcuk.

Thank you to the people who offered genuine practical advice, I will bear all your suggestions in mind. To the judgemental arseholes; it's been an experience to see how far you've taken your judgemental attitudes on a thread that started out with accusations that I was judgemental myself!

I'm not against men, just lazy ones who leave their kids to rot with a psychotic addict. HTH

can’t he have full custody of his children? if you wouldn’t want your child near her then why should your partners DC be?