I'm pregnant & partners ex has gone berserk!

[LouiseCollina]

Long story short, I've been with my partner over eighteen months and I'm four months pregnant. His marriage began a slow and ugly decline about eight years ago and finally hit the wall two years before I came along. The marriage has been over for years and (thank God!) everyone including their children knows I had nothing to do with that.

The sh!t has hit the fan a couple of times since we've been together, starting with his ex wife going berserk when she first found out about us and putting her sitting room windows in on top of her own children!

A couple of months back she was carried off to hospital because she'd taken too many benzos on top of a bellyful of vodka. It resulted in an accidental overdose and she had to have her stomach pumped. She was fine in the end but of course it distressed the hell out of her children.

Last night she found out about my pregnancy and she's gone berserk again. She's currently locked in her bedroom screaming at everyone and no one. Hopefully there'll be no substances involved this time but if she gets through this news without them hats off to her because it'll be a first.

Of course this behaviour had a lot to do with the breakdown of the marriage. Being as I am not a fool I made sure I verified these claims and was given identical stories by two of my partners sisters and his eldest daughter. What I am wondering now is how I navigate the future when my partner shares a gang of kids with this woman (they're mid teens to late twenties) and I understandably want my child to have shag-all to do with her.

I've never been in a situation remotely like this before and any advice from anyone who's been through or observed something similar would be much appreciated.

@JillAmanda 3 sides to every story .. remember that.
Op wasn’t going to come on and sing her praises was she , considering she sounds like she despises her

Well it all sounds less than ideal and I would have thought twice before having a relationship with this man let alone have his baby.

She is the mother of his children and he is therefore linked to her and so are you, and you have to decide whether you can put up with all the drama or not.

Marriage ended two years ago. U got together 18 months ago and you are 4 months pregnant. I presume you were aware she was unstable and he had a platoon of kids already.
Suck it up because they are non negotiable. Ask yourself how things would look if roles were reversed.
All the best

Those asking why the kids are still with this woman are wasting their time. Do you reckon this princess wants somebody else's teenagers in her home full time? Dream on.

Op the time to avoid having this woman in your life was many years ago. Once you decided to take up with a former husband and current father you were doomed. Try and enjoy the drama, it's not going away.

I don't think you are being judgey. If she regularly drinks and takes drugs she's obviously not right. Doesn't necessarily make her mentally ill, that's always trotted out when people don't behave as they should. Just keep yourself and baby well away. If she threatens you ring the police. Her children sound old enough to walk away.

why are the kids still with her? Why aren't they living with their Dad permanently?
why is this man making a new family when he already has a gang of kids who are in danger?

Nobody really calls diazepam ‘benzos’ unless they have a lot of drug knowledge or experience themselves.
Weird choice of language all round in this post. Not sure if you’re trying to be ‘down’ with the (gang of) kids or something else.
It feels a bit like telling tales but trying to get people gasping in shock and horror.

Your partner should be fighting to have his children stay with him, they don’t sound safe where they are.

Does your partner need to have much to do with her at all, OP? If he does see her or contact her, could this be stopped and can you both block her from contacting you at all? Your partner should still be able to support his kids, but keep a distance from his ex.

Maybe your partner should also speak to his elder kids, you say they range from teens to 20s, about getting help for their mother; it could help their mother and all the siblings still living at home.

If she's harassing you & your partner directly and repeatedly, you might want to speak to your local police.

Your tone is awful, I don’t know if that’s how you meant to come across

Just keep yourself and baby well away

Yes, pay no mind to the well being of your child's half-siblings.

I am just feeling actually scared at this point, that my future may unfold in such as way as to be affected by this crazy behaviour, and since our children will be half-brother/sisters I am wondering how do I proceed while ensuring that we have as little as possible (and preferably nothing) to do with one another?

Well it's too late for this baby but moving forward, you could try not to get pregnant again by a man who already has a 'gang' of kids and a crazy ex.

Did you know nothing of her behaviour before the pregnancy?

Lol @ the posters accusing you of sounding judgemental. She sounds absolutely batshit.

No she sounds unwell, and clearly needs help ffs.

Just stay out of it, surely? The ‘kids’ are so old that they’re basically not even kids any more and you had no reason to be in contact with their mother - neither does their dad, really. Just take a backseat and don’t get involved.

She ran out into the garden and smashed the sitting room windows from the outside in, with some of her children in the sitting room at the time.

Poor children!, hasn't someone reported her to the Social services thats a real safegauarding issue she needs treatment for her MH getting that started can be very difficult..

It is VERY rare for anyone's stomach to be pumped nowadays - hasn't been common for 20+ yrs

Where is she getting Valium from? My dh was prescribed it last year and the pharmacists were not happy to dispense it.

She must have some sort of mh diagnosis to get it on repeat?.

my partner shares a gang of kids with this woman (they're mid teens to late twenties) and I understandably want my child to have shag-all to do with her.

Maybe emigrate?

Seriously, good luck with the situation. Wishing you all the best.

My partner has shared custody with his ex for the younger children, who are in their teens. The others are adults in their twenties and live independently.

Their children reached the point years ago where, unless it's something particularly dramatic, they usually just roll their eyes at her behaviour. She'll be functioning apparently rationally for weeks and then something will set her off and out comes the vodka. That's when all hell breaks loose and because this is a consistent pattern I think this issue has much more to do with alcoholism than mental frailty.

I couldn't care less if I sound judgemental - these sporadic and unpredictable drunken violent outbursts alongside eighteen months of being called a slut and a whore and a prostitute for having the temerity to have a relationship would make anyone this side of heavens gates judgemental.

Mid-teens is not old enough to cope with a mother who is unstable. It's fucking terrifying watching someone you love lose their mind, harder still when you don't have enough resources or experience to know what to do next.

Yes, she does sound batshit.

LMAO though at: "Mumsnet is the wrong place to get advice on this, OP. Second partners are the devil's work and first wives should be revered."

I fucking love this. So true.

Also, long term use of diazepam is frowned on, it doesn’t work as a long term med.

I’m impressed she takes vodka and diazepam together, I’d be on the floor with that combination.

I feel for the poor woman. No matter what went on in their marriage, her marriage ended and within 6 months her exH was already in a new relationship with someone he impregnated soon after. I would be devastated and I think it's very unkind and unnecessary for you to be in on all the 'gossip' (and clearly enjoying it). Grow up.

That's a lot of judgemental attitude for a woman who regardless of the situation

the hypocrisies! How else do you expect people to react face to such appalling behaviour?