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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm pregnant & partners ex has gone berserk!

273 replies

LouiseCollina · 26/02/2020 15:07

Long story short, I've been with my partner over eighteen months and I'm four months pregnant. His marriage began a slow and ugly decline about eight years ago and finally hit the wall two years before I came along. The marriage has been over for years and (thank God!) everyone including their children knows I had nothing to do with that.

The sh!t has hit the fan a couple of times since we've been together, starting with his ex wife going berserk when she first found out about us and putting her sitting room windows in on top of her own children! Shock

A couple of months back she was carried off to hospital because she'd taken too many benzos on top of a bellyful of vodka. It resulted in an accidental overdose and she had to have her stomach pumped. She was fine in the end but of course it distressed the hell out of her children.

Last night she found out about my pregnancy and she's gone berserk again. She's currently locked in her bedroom screaming at everyone and no one. Hopefully there'll be no substances involved this time but if she gets through this news without them hats off to her because it'll be a first.

Of course this behaviour had a lot to do with the breakdown of the marriage. Being as I am not a fool I made sure I verified these claims and was given identical stories by two of my partners sisters and his eldest daughter. What I am wondering now is how I navigate the future when my partner shares a gang of kids with this woman (they're mid teens to late twenties) and I understandably want my child to have shag-all to do with her.

I've never been in a situation remotely like this before and any advice from anyone who's been through or observed something similar would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
YgritteSnow · 26/02/2020 15:46

Not everyone who behaves like this is "unwell" let's just be clear about that. Some people really are just toxic arseholes.

That said OP your airy, piss taking tone is really unpleasant to read especially since there's a "gang of kids" involved. Presumably your child's father liked her well enough to have a "gang of kids" with this person so not sure what that says about him.

Why are the children not with you full time if she's such a nightmare?

maggiecate · 26/02/2020 15:48

Given the age of his kids I’d have thought that his relationship with them doesn’t need to be facilitated through her, so your child should have no reason to come into contact.

Try and support the kids relationships With their new half-sibling as far as you can, understand that living with a parent with mental health issues is incredibly difficult and distressing, and be ready with the tea and hugs if required. When it comes to things like weddings/christenings etc try not to take it personally if the path of least resistance involves you being sidelined for the day. Be a safe space basically - try not to get sucked into drama and give yourself breathing space if you need it.

ShesCurly · 26/02/2020 15:48

And I'm sorry but I agree with PP, your tone is very sneering especially considering you're discussing a mental health crisis that deeply affects the children of the man you love. She's still their mum and she's clearly very poorly.

opticaldelusion · 26/02/2020 15:49

Mumsnet is the wrong place to get advice on this, OP. Second partners are the devil's work and first wives should be revered.

Rainycloudyday · 26/02/2020 15:49

What VeniceQueen said with bells on.

I must say you sound an awful lot like you’re enjoying this situation and your perceived superiority over this woman. There is a distinctly unpleasant tone to your Op, intentional or not.

Ouchaheadinmybehind · 26/02/2020 15:50

and I understandably want my child to have shag-all to do with her.

Well totally understandable you wouldn’t want her to have anything to do with your child but I’m not understanding why she would? Your DP will, presumably, be seeing his children that he had with her but why would you think your child would be anywhere near her?

Original poster
LouiseCollina · 26/02/2020 15:51

That's a lot of judgemental attitude for a woman who regardless of the situation, was poorly enough to attempt suicide.

An "accidental overdose" is not an attempted suicide. She regularly takes valium and vodka and that night inadvertently took too much of both together.

putting her sitting room windows in on top of her own children! - What on earth does this mean? I'm genuinely confused.

She ran out into the garden and smashed the sitting room windows from the outside in, with some of her children in the sitting room at the time.

Does she live in the same house as you?!

No, thank God!

I would actually phone an ambulance and get her put in hospital for treatment and for her safety. She sounds unhinged, and clearly needs help.

I do agree that she needs help but I'm certainly not the person to initiate it. I am just feeling actually scared at this point, that my future may unfold in such as way as to be affected by this crazy behaviour, and since our children will be half-brother/sisters I am wondering how do I proceed while ensuring that we have as little as possible (and preferably nothing) to do with one another? When me and my partner first got together she sent me a load of nasty messages on social media, but that was simply a matter of blocking her on internet platforms. I have a bad feeling that, with a baby in the mix, there may be incidents coming down the line that'd be difficult to predict and diminishing her influence on my baby's life may not be so easy.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 26/02/2020 15:51

Mumsnet is the wrong place to get advice on this, OP. Second partners are the devil's work and first wives should be revered.

This is NOTHING to do with that. Nice straw man to stick up there though. Biscuit

AnyFucker · 26/02/2020 15:52

Your tone made my hackles rise immediately.

Learn some fucking sympathy

Redtrunks · 26/02/2020 15:52

Your tone is very cold and flippant. The woman sounds ill. You don’t sound overly bothered about how this is affecting your partner’s children tbh just about yourself and your baby

Clangus00 · 26/02/2020 15:53

Why would you want a baby with someone who has a “gang of kids” already?

FourTeaFallOut · 26/02/2020 15:54

What I am wondering now is how I navigate the future when my partner shares a gang of kids with this woman

I mean, it's not like you walked into this situation blindfolded, did you? You've just told us about how awful you think she has been in earlier situations. What are you only asking yourself this question now? HmmConfused

timetest · 26/02/2020 15:54

She sounds very ill. Do the younger children still live with her? Has your partner applied for custody? If she has deliberately broken windows with them inside the house, they need protecting from this behaviour.

ShesCurly · 26/02/2020 15:57

So are her kids with their dad now or have they been left at their mums place?

L1appelDuVide · 26/02/2020 15:58

What I am wondering now is how I navigate the future when my partner shares a gang of kids with this woman

I don’t wish to be flippant but perhaps you should’ve thought about this before considering that she’s always been a problem.

Also, unless you are actually her, you have no idea whether the overdose was accidental or not.

notsohippychick · 26/02/2020 15:58

She sounds unwell. Very unwell. Poor woman.

ShesCurly · 26/02/2020 15:59

Mumsnet is the wrong place to get advice on this, OP. Second partners are the devil's work and first wives should be revered.

Nah not the case here I don't think. The tone of the first post was clear regardless of whether it was written by a first, second, third or tenth wife. It was sneering and superior.

HerRoyalCarbyLess · 26/02/2020 16:01

I'm just curious about the gang of kids. How manys a gang?

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/02/2020 16:02

Your darling partner is very irresponsible to have a child with you. He has a gaggle of kids, who judging by what you have said about their mother probably have some pretty bad mental health issues.

Why oh why do parents agree to have a child with to make their new partners lives complete when they’re struggling with an ongoing situation with their existing children?

Nowayorhighway · 26/02/2020 16:02

I would be worried if I were you too OP. She’s clearly very unwell and has acted violently in the past even with her own children there. I wouldn’t trust her not to find you and try to harm you, could you seek either legal or police advice? This is a worrying situation.

bingbangbing · 26/02/2020 16:02

If she is as bad as you say she is, why are the kids still with her? Why aren't they living with their Dad permanently?

Surely they should be?

JillAmanda · 26/02/2020 16:03

Lol @ the posters accusing you of sounding judgemental. She sounds absolutely batshit.

diddl · 26/02/2020 16:05

You don't come across at all well, Op.

Presumably you & your husband have always taken the kids in when necessary?

I'm wondering why he didn't have custody?

Ontheverge96 · 26/02/2020 16:06

I really feel for you here OP this isn’t the kind of negative shit you want when your planning to welcome a baby. I also don’t think your being judgy. This woman is nothing to do with you and as much as I can appreciate your partner once had love for this woman and he shares children with her she’s not his problem either. I think all you can do is just do your best to support the children and your partner. Moving forward maybe just don’t tell her anything that could trigger her, if the children are old enough maybe explain to them that mum doesn’t need to know about yours and dads relationship.

Kahlua4me · 26/02/2020 16:06

I would stay out of it as much as I possibly could if I was you.

Perhaps be a listening ear to their children as and when needed, and your dh too when the children have been talking to him but don’t give any spiteful, judgemental opinions out as that won’t help anybody.

Try to keep your house as a calm and safe space that the dc know they can come to at any time when they need to.

Your child will not need to have anything to do with her as there is no relationship between them so no need for you to plan for that. Enjoy your pregnancy and keep away from the stress where possible..