I'm pregnant & partners ex has gone berserk!

[LouiseCollina]

Long story short, I've been with my partner over eighteen months and I'm four months pregnant. His marriage began a slow and ugly decline about eight years ago and finally hit the wall two years before I came along. The marriage has been over for years and (thank God!) everyone including their children knows I had nothing to do with that.

The sh!t has hit the fan a couple of times since we've been together, starting with his ex wife going berserk when she first found out about us and putting her sitting room windows in on top of her own children!

A couple of months back she was carried off to hospital because she'd taken too many benzos on top of a bellyful of vodka. It resulted in an accidental overdose and she had to have her stomach pumped. She was fine in the end but of course it distressed the hell out of her children.

Last night she found out about my pregnancy and she's gone berserk again. She's currently locked in her bedroom screaming at everyone and no one. Hopefully there'll be no substances involved this time but if she gets through this news without them hats off to her because it'll be a first.

Of course this behaviour had a lot to do with the breakdown of the marriage. Being as I am not a fool I made sure I verified these claims and was given identical stories by two of my partners sisters and his eldest daughter. What I am wondering now is how I navigate the future when my partner shares a gang of kids with this woman (they're mid teens to late twenties) and I understandably want my child to have shag-all to do with her.

I've never been in a situation remotely like this before and any advice from anyone who's been through or observed something similar would be much appreciated.

It's not a question of an ex dictating, rather that when you choose to enter into a relationship with someone and risk the possibility of pregnancy, you do so whilst being aware of and accepting their circumstances. In this case, the ex is part of that. The questions about whether OP is willing to accept those circumstances would more usefully have been asked before this stage, especially as the latest episode didn't come from nowhere.

Shrekhasabogie

I’d be interested to know how much of her behaviour is a result of her relationship with her ex. Perhaps in a few years it will be your turn to be the crrrrrraaaaazy ex whose children have been trained to roll their eyes at their mother?

^
Yes, this crossed my mind.

I’m impressed she takes vodka and diazepam together, I’d be on the floor with that combination.

You get tolerant to it, but interestingly it does cause anterograde amnesia. I have had many an evening where I appeared normal, not even drunk, and had absolutely zero memory of it the following day. Obviously it's incredibly dangerous as you can also stop breathing.

Here we go, Mumsnet at it's finest. Gloves off, gals!

OP I don't think you're being judgy at all, you are right to be concerned. I think your partner or a relative of his needs to speak to a GP/Hospital because this woman is clearly unwell. Wishing you all the best with your pregnancy x

Why are any of the kids still living with their mum part of the time if the situation is as dire or volatile as you have outlined?

I don't understand why your partner hasn't pursued full custody of the kids so they are safe if she is as poorly as you describe.

Oh for goodness' sake. If this same post had been written about a man who was behaving scarily because this woman is pregnant this thread would be entirely different.

This place does my head in sometimes.

I don't see how your kid will have anything to do with her?
The ex wife clearly has some severe issues. She cannot express her emotions in a healthy way so continually has to stage a protest to get someone to take notice of the severity of her feelings.
Those poor children. They obviously need the stability and consistent care from their father when the other parent is pin-balling all over the place. You can play your part in providing consistent and non-judgemental care for those children when they are on your turf. You have taken on his man AND his children.
If you want to help them, show kindness and objectivity for their mother and do not disparage her in front of them. Nor collude with them against her. Don't take sides.

Why should the OP have any empathy for the ex? She may have problems but is behaving terribly and it is not the OPs place to get her help.

Valium are easily available on the street for as little as 50p each, you can also order them online from Ireland for around £1.20 each.

How close does the ex live to you?

Don't engage in any drama, ignore her on all communication platforms. Accept she will badmouth you to the kids and anyone else will listen.

Be there for the kids, let them know they have a home with you if they need it. Let their school know what is going on as they might be able to put support in place.

Also benzo withdrawal is HORRIFIC. Hallucinations and everything. Makes you very very agitated and frightened. I'm not excusing her behaviour I'm just saying that may be a factor.

I agree that your partners D.C. do not sound safe with this very troubled woman. He should be taking steps to get custody. From what you say they will be much better off living with you and their dad.

You’ve made the fatal mistake of not being his first wife, OP. So you won’t get anything from a lot of people here.

If you’d posted about your ex doing this, rest assured he’d be the devil incarnate who should be kept miles from your children.

YANBU to not want this near your baby but in all honesty, I don’t know why you’d have to?

How old are the dc? Presumably they don’t need you involved in any sort of contact?

Your and your DP's decision to have the baby is none of my business. So congratulations on that and I hope all goes well.

As far as the ex goes, is there any reason you (and the baby) have to have anything to do with her? You certainly shouldn't need to go into her home nor should she have to go into yours. I'm sure she'd prefer it that way herself anyway. Other than unavoidable family occasions in public venues like weddings, graduations, etc you should be able to avoid direct contact with her.

Now, the kids. The ones who are out on their own will be dealing with her on their own. Your DP should be the main one to offer them a 'listening ear' but of course you can too if that's the nature of your relationship with them. I do think, though, that any advice should come from DP, I'd stay out of that! Is there a reason why the teens are still living with her? Have you and DP offered them a home? Even if she's not 'that way' all the time, it's still not a peaceful and nurturing environment for them. At the very least, are the teens able to come stay with you if they feel their mum is going 'off the rails'?

I echo a PP's point that this woman isn't necessarily unwell, and no one other than her medical/psychological advisors is qualified to make that call in any case. There's a tendency these days to pathologize everything. Everyone who is self-absorbed or has an outsized ego is now a 'narcissist', which is in fact a pretty rare condition.

All that's clear is that here is a volatile woman with an off-the-scale binge-drinking problem. It's all very well for others to tell the OP she's being judgemental when they're not the ones negotiating the incessant stream of abuse and harrassment coming from her direction. I've lived with an alcoholic and can assure you it's no picnic. And yes, the alcoholic is ultimately responsible for his or her own behaviour. Hers is outrageously irresponsible. She showered glass over her own children. Of course that kind of behaviour is going to make people 'judge!'

OP: steer clear of her, provide a safe haven for their children should they want one at any stage, and make the judgement call to involve social services if you believe the children to be at risk. Call the police if she harrasses you. Protect yourself and the people who have to be around her, and keep your distance as much as possible. These would seem to be the only choices you have available.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I hope the rest of it will be as stress-free as possible

I don't see how your kid will have anything to do with her?

Just hazarding a guess that the OP is worried this woman is so unstable and clearly incredibly angry about the pregnancy, she will find OP and turn violent. She does have form for violence after all so it wouldn’t be out of character.

You seem to have no concern for your step children. Why aren’t they living with you and their father?

This place does my head in sometimes.

Mine too, I don't know what the OP wants people to say. There's not even an AIBU.

I've been there and it isn't fun.

DPs ex was an addict and we suffered for the first 2 years of our relationship (to the point of nearly splitting up a few times) because of her.

She threatened me, attacked him when he told her to back off and generally caused untold distress to myself, DP and his children (who he had custody of)

Ultimately it only ended because she died. It was a horrible situation all around.

It's weird, I've always been sympathetic to her because she had such terrible mental health problems/addiction issues and it genuinely broke my heart that she had no control over it. However there was an equal amount of wanting her to fuck off and leave us in peace and be done with the constant drama and upset.

I'm now in the position where the children (teens) have created a Saint out of her memory - totally understandable because she was an awful mother to them 80% of the time. So I now join in with that, their mum is a Saint and I just put to the back of my mind that DP's ex was actually an abusive nightmare. Its like the memory and the reality are separate entities.

My advice : stay away from her, don't react and don't feed the drama. Go non contact. Be open with the DC that you need to be separate from her drama, but you support their relationship with her and if they're old enough they should understand.

Good luck.

I don't know what the OP wants people to say

This is what she asked for

"I've never been in a situation remotely like this before and any advice from anyone who's been through or observed something similar would be much appreciated. "

Okay, it's not an AIBU, but still.

Fat chance of anyone giving her useful advice though.

Cross posted with @ThunderPython, who is. Good for you thunder.

Okay, it's not an AIBU, but still.

More like Relationships.

TBF it's quite a unique scenario so there will be very few people with experience of this.

Your partner has a duty of care to his adolescent children, and - to a lesser extent- his adult children. Quite frankly, he is doing precious little to keep them safe from this deranged, drug-taking inebriate, and what he is doing is nearly futile. He should take the adolescents from her, and help the adults to break free. They are clearly unsafe around her, and to have to watch her self-destruct, will leave mental scars on them for years to come. Intervention is of paramount importance for the adolescents and adults. He must act now.

@saraclara sometimes you just have to take posts at face value don't you. My experience means that what OP posted doesn't sound far fetched, in fact 2 years ago I would have been posting similar.

Poor woman. Clearly unwell and your only thought is for yourself. Not her, your husband or your husbands children. Unfortunately you can't erase previous marriages. I'm the product of a second marriage. I decided as a child I would never get involved with someone that already had a family even after divorce. Always full of hurt and mistrust. Even now, at 40 odd I'm dealing with the fall out of my dad remarrying (my mum). It's a toxic blend and my poor old mum (the second wife) did nothing wrong whatsoever. My dad at 80 is still full of guilt.

It's not a question of an ex dictating, rather that when you choose to enter into a relationship with someone and risk the possibility of pregnancy, you do so whilst being aware of and accepting their circumstances. In this case, the ex is part of that. The questions about whether OP is willing to accept those circumstances would more usefully have been asked before this stage

THIS!!!!