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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm pregnant & partners ex has gone berserk!

273 replies

LouiseCollina · 26/02/2020 15:07

Long story short, I've been with my partner over eighteen months and I'm four months pregnant. His marriage began a slow and ugly decline about eight years ago and finally hit the wall two years before I came along. The marriage has been over for years and (thank God!) everyone including their children knows I had nothing to do with that.

The sh!t has hit the fan a couple of times since we've been together, starting with his ex wife going berserk when she first found out about us and putting her sitting room windows in on top of her own children! Shock

A couple of months back she was carried off to hospital because she'd taken too many benzos on top of a bellyful of vodka. It resulted in an accidental overdose and she had to have her stomach pumped. She was fine in the end but of course it distressed the hell out of her children.

Last night she found out about my pregnancy and she's gone berserk again. She's currently locked in her bedroom screaming at everyone and no one. Hopefully there'll be no substances involved this time but if she gets through this news without them hats off to her because it'll be a first.

Of course this behaviour had a lot to do with the breakdown of the marriage. Being as I am not a fool I made sure I verified these claims and was given identical stories by two of my partners sisters and his eldest daughter. What I am wondering now is how I navigate the future when my partner shares a gang of kids with this woman (they're mid teens to late twenties) and I understandably want my child to have shag-all to do with her.

I've never been in a situation remotely like this before and any advice from anyone who's been through or observed something similar would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
Electrical · 26/02/2020 23:13

Wow, your boyfriend has bred five kids with a woman who’s apparently various degrees of awful (why did he keep on repeatedly impregnating her then? Why did he ditch his kids with her to go and shag new lovers?). Your boyfriend needs to have a vasectomy, urgently, it’s unethical for him to be behaving like an out of control fire hose, he’s already produced offspring who are now adults, more damaged younger kids, and now impregnated his latest girlfriend into an absolute farce. Disgraceful behaviour choices all round. Save up for therapy for all these kids.

SunHillBill · 26/02/2020 23:33

@TinnedPearsForPudding I was about to say the exact same thing about pumping the stomach, OP I would take everything you hear about his ex with a pinch of salt, and mind your own business.
Just remember his kids will never side with you over their mum, be kind, you have no idea how your partner treat his wife whilst married.

Booboostwo · 27/02/2020 08:03

A parent cannot be denied full custody of two teenagers who actually want to stay with him, this is rubbish. The courts take the older DCs wishes into consideration, and practically teens can just move in full time with their dad and no one can do much about that.

SnoozyLou · 27/02/2020 08:16

When the courts made that judgment, the ex hadn't smashed a window over her kids. The situation has changed.

FieldOfFlameAndHeather · 27/02/2020 08:16

I always wonder with threads like these, when the ex is some sort of deranged druggie alcoholic with violent and criminal tendencies, how it is that they managed to attract and procreate with these saints of men?

Because in RL I rarely come across any women who are like that who aren’t with men who are not somewhat like that themselves.

FieldOfFlameAndHeather · 27/02/2020 08:17

Sorry, double negative there 🥴 but you get my point.

Frangipanini · 27/02/2020 09:49

I agree Fieldof.

I have a colleague who constantly tells me that her DH's ex is a psycho who makes it difficult for him to see his DC and he is so upset. Truth is he had an affair with my colleague, left his DW and 2 DC under 3 to live with her. His wife lives in near poverty whilst he swans about in a flashy car and having fancy holidays. His DC are now tweens and don't want to know him and he calls his ex every name under the sun because its all her fault and is a witch.

pooopypants · 27/02/2020 10:42

I loves me a good flounce on a Thursday morning OP. AIBU is known for being brutally honest - if you didn't want opinions, why bother posting?

I'll give it 4 years before you're the next 'crazy ex'.

Make sure you sign yourself up for Jeremy Kyle though eh, show everyone what a prince your OH is.

UYScuti · 27/02/2020 10:52

I am sympathetic towards OP I think she is genuine but I also think she is likely being manipulated by her partner and doesn't yet see it.
I'm sorry you've been given such short shrift on here OP and I hope everything works out for the best for you and your baby, and everyone concerned in what sounds like an extremely difficult and upsetting situation 💐

Frazzledmum123 · 27/02/2020 11:24

This thread is depressing. There was one about a woman who was pregnant and her ex was controlling and she was told to abort her wanted baby as the guy was so awful. There was no 'oh poor man, I feel sorry for him, he's obviously unwell, you are being so cold' then! But no, it's a mum, a woman so she must be ill and it's fair play to put her kids in danger and call someone who dares to fall in love with her ex, hideous names and threaten her
As sexist as is is, kids are rarely taken from their mum so it isnt as easy as the dp just 'having full custody' and perhaps the kids wouldn't want it, they may be too worried about their mum to abandon her. And if they had taken the kids the op would get a load of comments about stealing this 'poor woman's' kids when she is already struggling
The op did nothing wrong here, and to hate someone who is putting her own kids in danger, abusive, and abusing drink and medication is fair game in my opinion. Yes it's sad the ex got to this state but how much shit should the op have to deal with to the point of being scared for her baby?
And perhaps the ex was always this way and the dp wanted a shot at a normal experience of raising a family, with someone who is not abusive? There is nothing to suggest he is just giving up on his first kids but he is entitled to a happy life too, and the op is entitled to a child of her own with the man she loves.
There are a lot of men living with domestic abuse too, they arent all 'poor women' who are just having a hard time, some are arses just like some men can be.

MashedSpud · 27/02/2020 11:55

It makes me wonder if op is the same age as his adult children which has made the ex kick off.

He’s left his gang of kids and ex. Don’t doubt he wouldn’t up and leave you with a single child.

hellcarryingahandbag · 27/02/2020 12:23

I wouldn't recommend AIBU (or MN in general) @LouiseCollina, you clearly can't handle it. Maybe Nethuns is more suited to you.

Frazzledmum123 · 27/02/2020 12:47

@Frangipanini - Hmm, the ex wife is always crazy isn’t she? I wonder how all these men missed this when they married them and had DC with them

Yeah because no woman ever marries a man who ends up being an abuser do they, I mean those men never have partners? Hmm

It works both ways!

SnoozyLou · 27/02/2020 14:52

Husband throws remote control to wife: LEAVE THE BASTARD!

Mother smashes window over kids: Bless. Mental illness is a terrible thing.

The Mumsnet Paradigm.

MrsAgassi · 27/02/2020 15:46

*Husband throws remote control to wife: LEAVE THE BASTARD!

Mother smashes window over kids: Bless. Mental illness is a terrible thing.*

Not different though. If a husband had posted saying his wife had thrown something at him I think the advice would be much the same.

The relationship in this instance is over and it is the children who have been put at risk because of the violence. Many have questioned why they have remained living there.

MrsAgassi · 27/02/2020 15:46

Bit different not not different!

Selmaselma · 27/02/2020 15:58

I feel sorry for everyone involved.

WhyCantIThinkOfAGoodOne · 27/02/2020 16:08

The ex wife is really none of your business. There's no reason your unborn child would have anything to do with her anyway. My concern would be for the kids living with this woman, why on earth is your partner not seeking full time custody? If all you say is true he'd have little trouble getting it.

WhyCantIThinkOfAGoodOne · 27/02/2020 16:10

@SnoozyLou

Dif you completely misread the op? OP'S partner has already left his ex. No one is suggesting he should he in a relationship with her. She's putting herself and her children in danger and might well have mental health issues, many people have expressed concerns for the safety of the kids and suggested their dad should apply for full time custody. In what way is this unfair?

saraclara · 27/02/2020 16:14

Husband throws remote control to wife: LEAVE THE BASTARD!

Mother smashes window over kids: Bless. Mental illness is a terrible thing.

The Mumsnet Paradigm.

Grin
funinthesun19 · 27/02/2020 16:17

Not read the thread, but I bet this thread is a total headache with lots of posts about how the ex is in the right blah blah blah. Hmm Always the case...

Congratulations op Flowers

Try your best to shut her out and ignore her. You don’t need to have anything to do with her and your baby certainly doesn’t.

WaitrosesCheapestVodka · 27/02/2020 16:59

It's pretty straightforward -

OP is at an exciting point in her life, relatively new relationship with a new baby

Ex is clearly in massive distress.

The OP just needs to limit contact. She knows this. The only reason I can think for posting this is to leer at the ex and hope MN goes ugh she's batshit.

I think there is sometimes a bias against men on MN. I think a man behaving like the ex would be viewed differently, but that doesn't make this response incorrect. It makes the LTBing sometimes incorrect. Sometimes.

FieldOfFlameAndHeather · 27/02/2020 17:14

Far too sensible and measured for MN Waitrose far too sensible and measured.

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