aibu about your 40's

[notespeciallyno]

Aibu to wonder what your 40's were like or are like?

Pure, unadultered hell on earth. I had my daughter at 40, and due to a blood clot in pregnancy she nearly died neonatally. Alongside this my beloved father was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer within weeks of that so had to help nursing him until he died a year later, and my 5 year old son was having near-death fits every 2-3 weeks due to uncontrolled epilepsy (now better thankfully). My marriage died from the stress. Then I was diagnosed with Ehlers-Danlos syndrome with chronic fatigue and pain from hypermobility, had 5 surgeries for internal prolapse and tumours, and then my daughter had a giant tumour removed from her body at 3. Then my mother got ill with breast cancer, so nursed her better while working and juggling the kids. Met a boyfriend who promised to make it better, but turned out to be a gold digging pig who ran off when he realised my bank was sealed shut. Mother got better, then got another cancer 3 years later. Then I got a tumour last year so more surgery, and then broke my foot falling down the stairs within weeks of the operation. Found out I had an incurable genetic condition like brittle bones, bone necrosis, mortons neuroma in both feet, arthritis and hypotension causing dizziness. Awaiting more surgery to walk again, as currently have limited mobility and toes deformed and dislocating. My daughter was diagnosed with severe SEN and my son was diagnosed with Ehlers Danlos last year so both are now home schooled as no school placement hasn't put them at risk of injury. I dumped my partner last year as caught him stealing from us, and general low-level mooching...currently on sick leave to get my head and body straight...roll on 50's, it got to get better or I need to find a padded cell.

I'm at my fittest and thinnest since I was a teenager! I'm in my late 40s now and I'd say I'm entering the most exciting phase of my life so far! I've been a mum, had depression throughout my late teens, 20s and 30s. Both kids are older now and the last one is to fly the nest next year when they go to Uni. I'm in two minds about this as I'll miss them dreadfully, but it also heralds a new start as I plan to move area. Got out of a shitty relationship 18 months ago which wasted the first part of my 40s, now in a new one and loving it.

Ultimately, life is what you make it. We all have phases where it is good/bad.

I'm 49

In my 40s I got divorced - abusive marriage for many years. Was the right thing to do, but has been very hard.

Got a new job which I really love.

Stopped colouring my hair all-over dark and have gone for high lights as the grey grows in.

I feel I have very good family and friends.

Varifocals.

Got all my PBs in running.

I've loved my 40s. Looks-wise, it's not fun, you do lose your beauty in your 40s but you'll still have many days where you feel like you look really good. Body-wise, I started really working out very hard in my 40s so I haven't gotten fat (in fact my body looks a lot better than I did in my 30s).

My husband and I are so much closer/happier now that we don't have a claim on one another's time owing to small children; we know each other inside and out and still have great sex; we have more disposable income; my friendships are closer and better tended to; I love having older children and they're amazing; I have a lot of time to putter about and do fun, satisfying DIY projects and so on.

Also, I get to READ again! I feel like I was so tired in my 30s from small children that I couldn't cope with anything beyond the Real Housewives when I had a spare 15 min. Now I go to lectures and theatre and opera and so on, I've got my old self back but I'm older and wiser.

I was too busy working full-time and bringing up my kids in my 40s to even give it much thought.

55 now and am having time for myself and finally completing the degree I always wanted to pursue. I also care a lot less what people think of me. It's very refreshing tbh.

Fat, tired and frequently resentful. But that’s because I have a toddler now I never planned on so my life is not where I expected/wanted it to be. I’m looking forward to when he’s older though so I can make him do stuff like kayaking, climbing and cycling with me. Providing I haven’t fallen apart by then. I used to be so active and fit until I had a child.

45 and feeling a bit midlifey, tbh, although that might also be due to being depleted by the winter and post-PhD blues (finished it this time last year).

Physically I'm pretty okay - started thinking a bit more sensibly about food and alcohol and exercise. Not perfect but going in the right direction.

Workwise, I've been in the same job for nearly 7 years, which is the longest I've been in one role. I'm a bit bored, but as the single parent to a 12yr old, I can't pack it in to do something closer to my heart. I'm hopeful that I can when she's older, but I'm also doubting whether anyone will be willing to offer me the job I want at that point, and whether I'll have the confidence to do it.

I invested a lot in my education, and it hasn't really paid off. Yes, yes, I know education should be an end rather than just a means, but I might have invested the time and effort in other ways if I'd known how it would have ended up.

Have been single for the last decade - have tried a few forays into dating, but haven't met anyone I fancied or even found interesting to talk to. I accept I may have unrealistic expectations.

Stray chin and neck hairs!

From my mid 20s to 41 were glorious. Good job, young healthy children, lots of energy, confident and I looked good. 41 to 43 has been extremely difficult . Tired, sad, unmotivated and now getting fat. I really need something to change and I know it starts with me

I reckon it depends when you get into perimenopause and when you have your meno. If you have it in your 40s then 40s is crap, but if you don't get it till 50 plus then 40s is good.
For me, 40 to about 43 was fine. Since then the perimenopause has made the rest of it seem quite crap. Do have hope for 50s though.

I'm 43 now. Last couple of years of my 30s and first 2 of my 40s were hard. I learned a lot more about the mental health (and it turns out, also neurodevelopmental) issues I have and how they effect me. I learned a lot about my own psychology. Tried to work on myself a lot in therapy.

Someone was using and disrespecting me- I put up with it until with the help of Mumsnet I saw his game and blocked on all fronts.

Hopefully, I'm more aware now of if someone's trying to exploit me, treat me badly etc. Wish I'd known from a child how to stick up for myself, but I didn't. Learning now, and all set to tell any wankers that turn up in my life to fuck off.

I wonder how many of the women on here commenting that they are more depressed and anxious than ever before are in the throws of peri menopause and don’t realise it. Don’t let any dr suggest putting you on anti-depressants without first ascertaining what your hormones are doing. It could be that a very low dose of HRT can give you your life back in so many ways.

I'm 45
I feel much better than I did in my 30's physically and mentally.

I eat a low carb diet which transformed my health and I don't have any of the classic 40's symptoms. I exercise and work out nearly regularly.

Got loads of great friends and masses of freedom (kids are late teens) and financially I am ok. Not rolling in it as a single parent but I can now focus on work as I have the time and I feel like it is under control - I don't spend a lot on shit, I manage my finances pretty tightly but then also go on many weekend trips. I also have an amazing boyfriend of nearly 7 years, and I love the honesty and non-neurotic nature of it that I did not have in my 20's and 30's - it is peaceful, fun and adventurous

• I must add that I went on HRT this year. I had 4 months of symptoms as described by many here but didn't mess about with getting that fixed.

what was everyones best decade?

Early half of my 40s was shit, last remaining parent ill and then died, DH made redundant after a couple of years with a bullying boss, moved house 3 times and I changed jobs 3 times. From 45 it all got better, children old enough not to need a taxi service, started a whole career, went to uni, qualified just after turning 50, traveled lots and feel respected and even liked by my colleagues, even the ones who were born after I got married!
Just entering the second half of my 50s and about to train for a new role in the same NHS trust, will celebrate our 30 wedding anniversary with a fabulous holiday. Now just to loose weight and get fit, that has rather gone by the wayside.😆

Mixed bag.

Good points.

I still look ok physically and continue to make a lot of effort. As one of my older siblings says, we all look back to old pictures of ourselves and think, wow, how good did I look? But at the time we thought, we didn’t. (Which is true for me). So I work hard to embrace how I do look knowing that it won’t last forever.

My close friendships are amazing, we’ve navigated so much and to have them in my life is a blessing.

My children are older. Which whilst it brings its own challenges, not having the relentless grind of young children is liberating.

Financially I am ok. I mean it could be better but all of us could say that.

I give less importance to what people (whom I don’t care about) think of me.

I think I am a nicer person, more values based and more in touch with aligning to kinder behaviours. I’m also more grey and empathetic in my thinking. We really don’t know what others may be struggling with.

I genuinely enjoy my own company and don’t worry about being lonely.

Downsides

Mental health and resiliency has required a lot of work. I simply don’t have the deep reserves I had when younger and bring conscious of that is a first for me.

Anxiety (interestingly enough coming up a lot on this thread). Is higher.

Physical energy is lower, I used to be a machine, now I’m not.

All of the above are hard work to adapt to. But I put them all under the mantle of self care. To be kinder to myself. To journal and focus more inward as opposed to outward.

The anxiety though is the hardest aspect. But I’m in counselling and learning coping strategies.

I dunno. Overall I feel blessed when I look at where I am and what life has thrown at me thus far. The 40’s aren’t easy and more conversatIons are needed around peri- menopause/ menopause so that women are prepared for how this could impact them.

Much the same as my 30s but with less fucks given.

This exactly!

Have just got to the end of them, and it was definitely my hardest decade, but I've also changed and grown a lot I think. Had my second DC at 40 so it's been full on childcare, nursery and school runs, hectic home life and not much spare time, all around trying to work, with a partner who wasn't pulling his weight. Had a traumatic event at 43, got very depressed and started having panic attacks, realised how bad my relationship was, split up, also had some ructions with my dysfunctional family, went through house sale and moving, doing up new place and settling kids, and hit the menopause!

Also, I've always looked quite young for my age, but somewhere between 40 and 50 that ran out. (Maybe unsurprisingly with all the stress, some menopausal weight gain and so little time.)

I've read that your 40s can be the most stressful time especially for women, as they're often combining work life, kids, mid-life relationship breakdowns and caring for older relatives. I didn't even have the older relatives part but I'm knackered! However I can see the light at the end of the tunnel I think, as the DC get older. I'm looking forward to what others describe who had their kids earlier - more time to read, exercise, go out etc. And I like being a mum to older kids, they are funny and great company.

I am 45, 46 in June. Forties have been great. My daughter was born when I was 43, she is a delight. A new world has opened up for me. lost weight, practice yoga and have felt great. The only con is my eyesight, I need glasses to read in the evening, other than that super!

The problem with turning 40 is it means my 30s are over. I swear my 30s lasted about 18 months, it just went by SO FAST. And they were supposed to be my best years, right?
I had two kids and got a new job and moved house and made some lovely friends, so I didn't actually waste them, but I feel like I did because it was just a blur of never really being on top of anything.
I would like to try and enjoy my 40s but am very conscious I am ageing at an ever accelerating rate.

Varifocals, hot flushes, divorce and an amazing new life ....

what's the unreasonable bit @notespeciallyno?

Why can't you just post in Chat or somewhere with a question like this.

WTF is unreasonable about asking how our 40s were?

I wonder how many of the women on here commenting that they are more depressed and anxious than ever before are in the throws of peri menopause and don’t realise it

I 100% agree with this.
I have never ever had anxiety and when I found myself getting weird anxiety when driving, I was also 100% sure that it was not psychological - I was not anxious in my head in any way - it was physical.

And it was peri-meno. HRT has solved it within weeks. I put up with it for 4 months but I hear of people putting up with it for years!! Going to counselling is not going to help.

Only early 40s but much more content than 30s. More accepting of myself and life in general. Less caring about others opinions. Finally feel I'm the real me.