Husband called me a d*ck

[TeenyQueen]

I am currently super tired, love being at home with DD but she's going through a sleep regression and growth spurt so my sleep is very broken and I find it very hard to nap during the day. On top of this I had to take DD on a full day trip to attend an important appointment in London on Friday, so I spent the whole day travelling with her on my own. DH was away for work for 2 days so I was still on my own with her the day after our long and exhausting day trip. So basically I was really tired this weekend.

Dh wanted to go food shopping yesterday and whilst we were there I was pushing the trolley (and DD) and DH asked me to go get something from the other side of the shop. Since I was pushing the trolley and looking after DD I said he should get it himself. He got cranky and said he was going to make dinner and I wouldn't get any if I didn't get him this thing, I said fine. I unloaded, packed and paid for all the shopping and carried it to the car. Later on we end up having an argument and DH said that I was being a dick and that I was a dick. We have a daughter so I was very upset and pointed out that it was inappropriate to call me names in front of our child. I also asked him if he thought it would be right for a boyfriend or husband to call our daughter a dick when she's older.

He later on said I wouldn't get any of the dinner he'd cooked unless I apologised to him.

Eventually he said he wanted to move on from this but I'm still upset that he'd speak to me that way, and being petty by saying I shouldn't have dinner. I think he feels bad about it now but he's very bad at admitting when he's in the wrong, or was I being BU?

The man custom designed OP's £14,000 engagement ring. And?

How do you think one parent manages to put stuff on the trolley, with a baby onboard.
Irrelevant. There were two parents there. And even if the DH thought he shouldn't go and get something, how is getting cranky and threatening the OP with withholding dinner from her if she didn't go reasonable adult behaviour?

There were two parents there. And even if the DH thought he shouldn't go and get something, how is getting cranky and threatening the OP with withholding dinner he was unreasonable to withhold dinner, she was unreasonable too, he was picking up the other 40 products, he ask OP to fetch one. Who minded the baby while OP packed, I bet he packed it's team work.

Bloody hell. If he does it again, leave the trolley, get a sandwich and leave him and his cooking to it. Sod him and his bloody 'I'm cooking, you're not eating'. Go out for the day. Absolute pig.

Why didn’t he go get it himself if it was so urgent? This is rather petty and standard between two tired people.

she was unreasonable too, he was picking up the other 40 products, he ask OP to fetch one. Doesn't matter how much else he picked up; it obviously makes sense for the person with the trolley/baby to stay with them.

Who minded the baby while OP packed, I bet he packed it's team work. I've no idea who minded the baby or packed. It's hardly 'teamwork' to say 'if you don't do what I tell you you won't get any dinner.' It's Dickensian.

it obviously makes sense for the person with the trolley/baby to stay with them.

Was she chained to the trolley then? She couldn't have left the trolley and he carry on pushing it? I never knew this - that the person who starts off pushing the trolley has to continue until the very end.

You've got a point Nosey, it's becoming like Stepford Wives, female apologists for obnoxious male behaviour. Colluding in our own oppression. Grim.

it obviously makes sense for the person with the trolley/baby to stay with them Fair enough in Mnet's world. If I was busy shopping with DP while he held the trolley up, roles were reversed I'd tell DP he was a dick and martyr to boot if he refused to grab one item, especially if I needed the item to cook us a meal, I'd probably refuse him the meal too.

@KeepWalkingNosey

Completely agree.

The bar is so low on here on what some people thinking is acceptable treatment, within a relationship, from a man.

Some people seem to think that any expectation of help, kindness, and respect from a man, indicates that you are presumptuous, and need taking down a peg or two.

So awful, when it must take some courage to open a thread and seek advice.

Was she chained to the trolley then?
FFS.
Honestly, do you just come on here for an argument at all costs?

'Low bar' barely begins to cover it. Even if the DH was riled at being asked to go and get something, what the actual fuck makes it OK for him to threaten not to give the OP dinner?

It's not being a stepford wife or a misogynist apologist or anything else to not understand the unreasonableness of asking your partner to go and get an item off the shopping list.

We often do this. One of us starts pushing the trolley, both pick up.items from the aisle one nearest trolley starts pushing it, not the one who started off pushing the trolley necessarily. Then we continue around the shop. I might hand the list to my husband and tell him to carry on while I go and pick up a specific item from elsewhere, I might say that I'll carry on if he could just go and get X from the far end and vice versa. Neither of us thinks the other is being abusive for asking the other to go and get something. Neither of us refuse on the grounds that we are pushing the trolley. The fact that they had an argument about this sounds like they are both tired and stressed out - her from taking care of the baby and him from work and neither was at their best here. That's all.

YANBU but I don't understand at all why you all had to troop around the supermarket together with a baby, rather than one of you going shopping while the other stayed at home with your daughter.

I would be bothered by being called a dick tbh but “ you can’t have any of this dinner unless you say sorry”? Wtf?
I would’ve said sorry and then told hi to shove his crappy dinner up his arse

Even if the DH was riled at being asked to go and get something, what the actual fuck makes it OK for him to threaten not to give the OP dinner? hmm

No idea. I'm guessing he got the hump because he's working long hours, including at the weekends too, and tempers are a bit frayed? Why is it ok for op to be unreasonable because she's tired but not her DH? What if he'd said "I'm not cooking" rather than "you're not having any"? Would that be better in your eyes?

Even if the DH was riled at being asked to go and get something, what the actual fuck makes it OK for him to threaten not to give the OP dinner? If your DH got riled and refused to grab an item, would you still cook him the meal you planned.

She wasn't unreasonable, she just didn't do what he said. What's unreasonable about that?

It's not being a stepford wife or a misogynist apologist or anything else to not understand the unreasonableness of asking your partner to go and get an item off the shopping list.

Its not unreasonable to ask. What is unreasonable is that when the other person says no, that person takes a huff like a child, calls the OP a dick, refuses to give her any of the food he was making unless she apologises for not getting the item he asked her to. That's unreasonable.

OP: I haven't had a full nights sleep in years because I'm up with the toddler all night , ensuring my DH gets a full nights sleep.

Mumsnet Jury: clearly you're both tired

She wasn't unreasonable, she just didn't do what he said. What's unreasonable about that?

Well, the item needed getting so one of them had to get it. Why not her? Suppose it depends on whether he was doing the rest of the shopping while she went to get that item or maybe he was heading towards the checkout and was going to start unloading while she went to get the item.

Who knows? It's all a bit juvenile really.

Yes, she could have said no but then that's part of being in a relationship isn't it - doing things to help your partner out? How does it end if DH takes a leaf out of her book and just says no to anything op asks him to do because I don't see any difference in him asking her to do that and her say, asking him to go upstairs and grab something or to put the kettle on while he's in the kitchen.

I'm guessing he got the hump because he's working long hours, including at the weekends too, and tempers are a bit frayed? My DP often works long hours and weekends and is shattered. I can't imagine him saying anything like that.

Why is it ok for op to be unreasonable because she's tired but not her DH? It's not unreasonable to say 'You go, I'll stay with the trolley and the baby.'

What if he'd said "I'm not cooking" rather than "you're not having any"? Would that be better in your eyes?
The wording is obviously a bit less childish, but the petulance is just as bad.

If your DH got riled and refused to grab an item, would you still cook him the meal you planned.
Well, yes.

Really hard to say without more context - I would normally call my husband a dick five times before 8am.

I don't understand why both of you would go shopping together.

I doubt he was seriously planning to deny you food.

My DP often works long hours and weekends and is shattered. I can't imagine him saying anything like that.

Yet seemingly it's ok for op to be a bit short tempered because she's tired? How does that work then?

What Billy1966 said. Read the opening post of this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody and then ask yourself

Do I feel cherished?

It sounds to me like you were both being dicks.

You need to review both of your workloads, realistically.

How old is your daughter? If she's old enough to be sat in a trolley I can't imagine she's waking every two hours for milk. How much sleep do you really get?

@KeepWalkingNosey well said. Where have all these penis worshipers emerged from?