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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband called me a d*ck

216 replies

TeenyQueen · 24/02/2020 08:56

I am currently super tired, love being at home with DD but she's going through a sleep regression and growth spurt so my sleep is very broken and I find it very hard to nap during the day. On top of this I had to take DD on a full day trip to attend an important appointment in London on Friday, so I spent the whole day travelling with her on my own. DH was away for work for 2 days so I was still on my own with her the day after our long and exhausting day trip. So basically I was really tired this weekend.

Dh wanted to go food shopping yesterday and whilst we were there I was pushing the trolley (and DD) and DH asked me to go get something from the other side of the shop. Since I was pushing the trolley and looking after DD I said he should get it himself. He got cranky and said he was going to make dinner and I wouldn't get any if I didn't get him this thing, I said fine. I unloaded, packed and paid for all the shopping and carried it to the car. Later on we end up having an argument and DH said that I was being a dick and that I was a dick. We have a daughter so I was very upset and pointed out that it was inappropriate to call me names in front of our child. I also asked him if he thought it would be right for a boyfriend or husband to call our daughter a dick when she's older.

He later on said I wouldn't get any of the dinner he'd cooked unless I apologised to him.

Eventually he said he wanted to move on from this but I'm still upset that he'd speak to me that way, and being petty by saying I shouldn't have dinner. I think he feels bad about it now but he's very bad at admitting when he's in the wrong, or was I being BU?

OP posts:

cobwebfew · 24/02/2020 13:35

Is he always this childish? He sounds like a bit of a twat.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 24/02/2020 13:36

So he could have just got it then, not thrown a strop, not insulted his wife, and this whole silly episode needn’t have happened.

Yep, he could have done but then maybe he was getting other things? I often do it when we get shopping - I might be getting lots of things that are close together and ask him to go and get 1 thing that's further away or I might give him the list to crack on while I go and get the thing that's further away. What was he doing whilst he asked op to go and get this 1 item? None of us know. So which of them was being the dick is impossible to know really.

NoMoreDickheads · 24/02/2020 13:38

YANBU and IDK why any posters are having a go at you.

He is kind of abusive, you could weigh up any of his other behaviours and consider leaving him.

flower1994 · 24/02/2020 13:40

wow not sure who you had helping you but yes I do spend the majority of my day looking after them and I do everything round the house, the OPs husband might not work 12 hours a day and by the sounds of it gets his evenings and night times to relax and do what he wants so the question remains the same. when does the stay at home parent get a break?

If you are genuinely ill (saying this because it seems to be the go to on here when anyone is called out for anything they say) then sorry to hear but your situation is not the OPs - her husband sounds like he gets his nights completely interrupted whilst she looks after and attends the baby. lol all my friends and family work so I dont have that luxury nor do I go to a gym where there is a creche and neither do most people I know

Nanny0gg · 24/02/2020 13:44

Maybe he's got a stressful job, maybe he's having to do a lot of traveling, maybe he's stressed about being the sole wage earner. It's just dismissive of op to say that he gets to sleep at night so can't be tired.

Or maybe, he's just an arse.

Oblomov20 · 24/02/2020 13:45

Words like dick, idiot, twat etc don't bother me.

In fact I use those words to laugh and joke about people's idiotic behaviour all the time:

But Op has bigger issues, me thinks.

Rezie · 24/02/2020 13:45

Did he apologise or just said that he wanted to move on?

NotNowPlzz · 24/02/2020 13:48

I really think you need to be more assertive. Give as good as you get or you'll forever feel like he is in control.

Whynosnowyet · 24/02/2020 13:48

He wanted to go food shopping..
So you should have told him to crack on.
Imo food shopping isn't a family day out..

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 24/02/2020 13:52

A/S me - plenty of posts on chronic illness, auto immune illness threads about my illness.

How do you know anything about the husband? My point is you don't. You jumped to a conclusion about me and sleeping 10 hours a night, you might have jumped to conclusions about ops husband too.

As for the "who did I have helping me" - no one. Why would I need help? I had a baby not a terminal illness. By the time I had my 2nd child my first was almost starting school so we were always out at playgroups or activities for him, meeting friends and seeing other people. I'm surprised that most gyms don't have a crèche - mine is just a run of the mill council sports centre, nothing fancy. Anyway, the point is being a SAHM isn't the equivalent of being down the mines, not is as hard or as stressful as a lot of jobs and it's a bit silly to pretend that it is.

Thurmanmurman · 24/02/2020 13:53

Why did you all have to go food shopping? I’d have given him a list and sent him on his merry way and told him to take DD while I had a nap.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 24/02/2020 13:55

Or maybe, he's just an arse.
Maybe. Maybe op is. Who knows from a couple of paragraphs giving a one sided version of events? Imo, we've all had silly arguments with our partners where we've said something similar to this and we haven't meant it. Maybe in some cases it is indicative of abusive behaviour but I don't see how anyone can say that based on the little that op has told us.

flower1994 · 24/02/2020 14:00

I find it a lot more hard than I found my job. clearly depends on who you are and what kind of job you done. I'm seeing from the OPs point of view because that is what my life currently is and it does seem to be the working parent often gets more of a let off (ie. allowed to sleep/take breaks etc./have down time) because they are the paid party. whereas the stay at home parent doesnt get this luxury and is expected to be getting up during the night and doesnt often get the down time. all I'm saying is I can totally see where she is coming from and that although dick is hardly the insult of the century that I think the overall issue is that she is exhausted and feels she is being taken for granted. and let's not forget, she isnt the one who called her partner a name or told him he wasnt having any dinner

KeepWalkingNosey · 24/02/2020 14:00

Mumsnet has turned into something that is on the verge of being harmful. On this thread a woman is being advised she’s in the wrong and should stay in a relationship where she is valued, is ordered around and then if she fails to comply she threatened with not being able to eat the family meal, when she stands up for herself she’s told if she doesn’t apologise she won’t be able to eat the family meal.

In the last week theses been posts blaming posters for them being raped, women advised to stay in abusive, controlling or violent relationships, a woman berated for feeling her boyfriend was lying and checking it out and finding out she was correct and when women are going through a hard time rather than advice they’re told to get on with it and told how other posters have it worse.

I stopped using netmums after seeing a woman in a violent relationship being advised on how to not upset her husband and be a better wife so he doesn’t hit her and mumsnet is going down the same road.

KeepWalkingNosey · 24/02/2020 14:01

*Isn’t valued obviously.

diddl · 24/02/2020 14:01

Well OP has put that she didn't get it because she was pushing the trolley & looking after their daughter.

Which begs the question why not just walk away & get it?

Or tell husband to get it whilst you carry on with what he had been doing.

Threatening not to cook enough for Op as well though is just horrible.

Seems such an overreaction/not thinking on both parts I can't help wonder if there's more to this?

I mean this would have ended up with us both laughing & wondering why the fuck all three of us were shopping!

Tonkerbea · 24/02/2020 14:04

Some people have very low standards in their partners if they think OPs husband's behaviour is acceptable.

When I was knackered from feeding a baby all night my husband would gladly do the shopping and cooking for us. Cos, you know, he's not a dick

tiggerkid · 24/02/2020 14:05

He later on said I wouldn't get any of the dinner he'd cooked unless I apologised to him.

Being called names would bother me but not as much as the above. This is absolutely outrageous and, frankly, abusive. I can't believe he said that! Sorry but he is an abusive bully.

DowntownAbby · 24/02/2020 14:05

YABU for using 'super tired'.

AnotherEmma · 24/02/2020 14:06

@KeepWalkingNosey
Well said. I completely agree.
It's a fucking disgrace.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 24/02/2020 14:10

But how can you deduce this from what the op has put? Seriously, you would advise someone, with a young child, to divorce their partner because they asked them to get an item from the supermarket and when they refused said in that case they wouldn't give them any of the food they were cooking using said ingredient and then called them a name?

If a woman posted that she'd asked her husband to go and pick up an ingredient integral to the dinner she was cooking that evening and he refused she would be actively told to tell him he wouldn't get any dinner. I've seen it countless times on here.

KeepWalkingNosey · 24/02/2020 14:18

@hearhoovesthinkzebras when she stood up for herself he said if she didn’t apologise (for him calling her a dick?) she wouldn’t get any dinner. That’s abusive.

He doesn’t value her OP says that in her OP, she was pushing the trolley and caring for the baby and she packed and paid for the shopping but she also had to put it all in the trolley? So why was he there?

Meanwhile on another thread people are saying women killed in abusive relationships only have themselves to blame so maybe every woman should leave a man as soon as he even looks at us a bit funny so we aren’t responsible for our own deaths.

KeepWalkingNosey · 24/02/2020 14:19

Also OP doesn’t specify what the ‘thing’ was so we don’t know it was an ingredient he needed for dinner and as I said he could’ve walked over and got it himself while she was doing everything else.

GothamProtector · 24/02/2020 14:20

She could've just made her own dinner.

Standard MN response to teach any male is lesson is don't do his washing, cleaning or cooking. Is that Abusive?

Whynosnowyet · 24/02/2020 14:21

Not sure how super tired a sahp with 1 dc can be tbh...
Drama llama maybe?

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