Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband called me a d*ck

216 replies

TeenyQueen · 24/02/2020 08:56

I am currently super tired, love being at home with DD but she's going through a sleep regression and growth spurt so my sleep is very broken and I find it very hard to nap during the day. On top of this I had to take DD on a full day trip to attend an important appointment in London on Friday, so I spent the whole day travelling with her on my own. DH was away for work for 2 days so I was still on my own with her the day after our long and exhausting day trip. So basically I was really tired this weekend.

Dh wanted to go food shopping yesterday and whilst we were there I was pushing the trolley (and DD) and DH asked me to go get something from the other side of the shop. Since I was pushing the trolley and looking after DD I said he should get it himself. He got cranky and said he was going to make dinner and I wouldn't get any if I didn't get him this thing, I said fine. I unloaded, packed and paid for all the shopping and carried it to the car. Later on we end up having an argument and DH said that I was being a dick and that I was a dick. We have a daughter so I was very upset and pointed out that it was inappropriate to call me names in front of our child. I also asked him if he thought it would be right for a boyfriend or husband to call our daughter a dick when she's older.

He later on said I wouldn't get any of the dinner he'd cooked unless I apologised to him.

Eventually he said he wanted to move on from this but I'm still upset that he'd speak to me that way, and being petty by saying I shouldn't have dinner. I think he feels bad about it now but he's very bad at admitting when he's in the wrong, or was I being BU?

OP posts:
FoxEars · 24/02/2020 14:24

Sounds to me like you're both exhausted.

EA is an over reaction.

Sorry but it is.

Mountain out of a molehill.

Being called a dick is not great but come on, there are worse things you could be called.

Food thing not ideal again but he was pissed off at you.

Have a sleep and move on

PicsInRed · 24/02/2020 14:24

What he's doing:
Emotional abuse.
Coercive control

Why:
You had a baby, now feels you are "stuck", can't easily leave and have to take it.

Post in Relationships, avoid AIBU for this sort of question. 💐

KeepWalkingNosey · 24/02/2020 14:25

@GothamProtector she could have made her own dinner but that wouldn’t take away from her not being valued, being called a dick, her husband telling her he wouldn’t cook for her and her husband saying unless she apologised (for what? Not doing as she’s told I assume) he wouldn’t cook for her. Cooking her own dinner won’t cure being unhappy in her relationship or feeling unvalued.

@Whynosnowyet she said she hadn’t slept properly because the baby is up during the night breastfeeding

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 24/02/2020 14:25

Meanwhile on another thread people are saying women killed in abusive relationships only have themselves to blame

And have a look at any of the Caroline Flack threads to see all of the excuses as to why she might have been abusive - she was drunk, she was on drugs, she was mentally ill, she found texts on his phone...

when she stood up for herself he said if she didn’t apologise (for him calling her a dick?) she wouldn’t get any dinner. That’s abusive.

They were having a row. Maybe he is abusive but how can you say so on that basis of this one post? I've seen threads where the op has been moaning because her husband hasn't liked a meal she's cooked - every time posters will tell her to only cook for herself and the DC in future and make him buy a takeaway, have beans on toast, whatever. No one tells them that they're abusive. What's the difference?

He doesn’t value her OP says that in her OP, she was pushing the trolley and caring for the baby and she packed and paid for the shopping but she also had to put it all in the trolley? So why was he there?

What's the context? Where was he while she did this? How did it come about? Was he just stood there watching while she did it?

KeepWalkingNosey · 24/02/2020 14:30

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras you don’t have to agree but in all my experience (and many others on here) this is how it starts when a woman has a baby and the partner is abusive. Many women don’t see it, MN tell them, they don’t believe it and then they come back when they realise. Also happenes with affairs OP posts about an issue, posters say he’s having an affair, OP defends him no way would he do that, a week later she finds out about the OW. It’s just experience that means you can spot the signs. Although if you read I didn’t say he was abusive I said what he said was abusive.

The difference is he’s saying if she doesn’t do what he tells her and then apologise for it he won’t cook for her. That’s a completely different situation to a poster cooking for someone ungrateful.

I assume he was stood next to her as he spoke to her to tell her to go and get something he wanted.

tiggerkid · 24/02/2020 14:30

He wanted to go food shopping..
So you should have told him to crack on.

The best advice I see here. If he went himself, he would have gotten all the stuff he needed by himself and if he wasn't capable of getting what he needed from whichever side of the store, he would have been a d*ck himself. In any case, threatening your wife/partner/girlfriend with not getting a meal makes him an obnoxious bully regardless of what else the argument involved and what other context there is. I don't care. He is a vile bully, and I suspect that he behaves this way ONLY because OP depends on him financially! She is not a dog! Her food is not a treat he gets to give for good behaviour!

flower1994 · 24/02/2020 14:32

@Whynosnowyet hahaha because exclusively breastfeeding on four hours broken sleep with a house that still needs running. clearly needing a bit of attention today arent you to post such a goady comment

Nancydrawn · 24/02/2020 14:36
  1. Obviously the rule in supermarkets is that the person pushing the trolley with the child doesn't pop over a couple aisles but mans the fort while their partner does.
  1. I'm actually glad he called you a dick rather than, say, a bitch. It's far less misogynistic and problematic. It's also a lot less mean.
  1. The line about the food is juvenile and stupid, trying to get a reaction. He needs to grow up.
  1. You sound exhausted, and rightfully so. Can you carve out any hours for yourself?
  1. Finally, in terms of actual advice, this sounds like a lot of escalation. Figuring out how to de-escalate is key to any marriage, particularly those with stress. When you're both feeling more centered, you should have a conversation about this---not to relitigate the fight, but to figure out ways to de-escalate. Also, he should apologize (but that's a separate conversation.)
Whynosnowyet · 24/02/2020 14:41

I actually posted that he should have gone alone.
Not goady but op needs to tell him him to grow up. She has 1 dc already.

HillAreas · 24/02/2020 14:42

If I went shopping with someone and they asked me to grab something I wouldn’t be offended
I wouldn’t be offended either. I would be offended if it was issued as an order and then petty insults hurled if I refused to obey.

flower1994 · 24/02/2020 14:44

@Whynosnowyet you just posted saying how tired can a stay at home parent really be....that's so frustrating I cant even begin to go there

JonasJohn · 24/02/2020 14:46

You are hard work. Having AS your other threads, you are a drama queen.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 24/02/2020 14:49

@KeepWalkingNosey

Completely agree, it's a disgrace. Seems worse recently.

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/02/2020 14:56

Not sure how super tired a sahp with 1 dc can be tbh...

The most tired I have ever been in my case. And I've worked 12 hour night shifts in homeless shelters. A non-sleeping BF baby will do that to you.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 24/02/2020 14:56

And have a look at any of the Caroline Flack threads to see all of the excuses as to why she might have been abusive - she was drunk, she was on drugs, she was mentally ill, she found texts on his phone...

Good god, how long will Caroline flack be brought up on every single thread?

There can be many reasons for someone becoming abusive. That doesn't mean it's OK. Also no one here has given a reason for the dp being abusive, just told the OP she is bu to be upset or offended by his comments and she should have just done as she was told.

AvocadoAdvocate · 24/02/2020 14:57

Unless he was incapable of fetching the item himself, why did he order you to get it? You can't win on here OP, if the problem was YOU had instructed your DH to get something in the shop (while he was pushing child and trolley while you stood there) and called him a dick and threatened to not give him any dinner when he refused, you would have your arse handed to you and told you should have got it yourself. But this is mumsnet.

OlaEliza · 24/02/2020 15:00

Why couldn't you just get whatever it was

@inwood Why couldn't he? He wasn't pushing the trolley or looking after the DC.

IntermittentParps · 24/02/2020 15:02

The OP is making a mountain out of a molehill and just needs a nap, and the DH's behaviour is OK because he might have a stressful job or is having to do a lot of travelling Hmm

Am I reading the same thread as some of you? He said he was going to make dinner and the OP wouldn't get any if she didn't get him this thing. Then he said the OP wouldn't get any of the dinner he'd cooked unless she apologised to him.

Who the fuck behaves like that to their partner? In fact, who the fuck over the age of about 6 thinks that 'I won't do this if you don't do this' is a reasonable way to negotiate life?

He wanted to go food shopping.
So you should have told him to crack on.

I do agree with this, but I wonder if you went with him because if you said you'd stay at home with the DC he'd have mithered you?

He's a fucking arsehole. If my DP pulled this shit with me I'd be out the door and not coming back until he apologised and meant it.

alltakingandnogiving · 24/02/2020 15:10

I quite often call my husband a fanny.

NRPDad · 24/02/2020 15:37

As an aside, why do both parents and baby have to go shopping together. Send him on his own! Ideally with DD to give you a break for couple hours.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 24/02/2020 15:38

I've just read the ops other threads and on one she says that her husband works long hours in a stressful job and also has to do admin work at home at the weekends, so I think it's safe to say that he probably is tired and also needs a break which no doubt didn't help.

She also says they have a cleaner twice a week so she's not being run ragged at home is she? Can she really not spare the time to set up an online shop to save anyone from having to do it at the weekend?

EmeraldShamrock · 24/02/2020 15:46

Competitive tiredness ruins relationships.

FoxEars · 24/02/2020 15:57

I think this is mountain out of a molehill

I really do and nothing else

EmeraldShamrock · 24/02/2020 15:59

He doesn’t value her OP says that in her OP, she was pushing the trolley and caring for the baby and she packed and paid for the shopping but she also had to put it all in the trolley? So why was he there? The man custom designed OP's £14,000 engagement ring.
OP who was stacking and picking the shopping? I assume him if you were pushing the trolley caring for a baby I also assume the baby was strapped in, so he asked you to go get something he forgot for tonight's dinner and said no you're tired. I'm sure you're both exhausted.
How do you think one parent manages to put stuff on the trolley, with a baby onboard.

flower1994 · 24/02/2020 16:53

OP I was all for sticking up for you but, although my view hasnt changed on you being tired and it's not nice being called names, having read your other threads it does appear your dh works a lot so unless this is a common occurrence I would say he has let his tiredness get the better of him on this occasion